5 years clean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

i am writing this the night before 09/28/09. i grilled some veggies for dinner, grilled extra for a coupla days lunches with some tenderloin too. i am grilling pears right now and gonna have one or two with caramel ice cream. my laundry is in the dryer and i'm watching "cadillac records" while i post. i spent a night in salida with a friend, savoring the changing colors of the aspen and other trees. that friend is my mother, and we are re-writing our relationship- at least the finale.

this is a dramatic departure from where i found myself five years ago and before. i had been flapping in the wind like a kite caught in a tree for so long that i don't think i could remember what it was like not to hear the wind. i had stepped in a bucket of "fuck me" paint and i just starting believing that was what i looked like. and it was reflected in every other relationship i had, too.

thanks to a series of what then felt like unfortunate experience, i found myself with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. i had no one to blame for it, either. this last part really sucked. i found myself back in denver, after leaving that town in an angry chess move, to have the fun that i was denied the ten years prior, waiting to die from aids. so i jumped to san francisco and directly into a kerouac story. or maybe it was really more like dennis cooper. anyway, the meth days began before my heart could heal from any prior pain. i checked out of my life emotionally, and began to fill my time and my mind with little white shards of ephedrine-like amnesia and my time with chasing the midsections of men. each passing month drew me deeper into nothing and before i knew it, that's where i called home.

5 years ago, after several miserable attempts and making a change, i touched the dark bottom beneath me. i had seen my future, had seen my past, and had somehow realized that there was only one way to find my chi. i needed help. i couldn't do it by myself, as i had thought i had to do all my life.

my introduction to 12 step was painful. all these people talking in language that ignited nothing but anger in me. emotional boot camp is what i called it, and i really didn't want to be bothered. but i had nowhere else to go. divine intervention is what it was. after a year, i was able to trust someone enough in those rooms to tell them about me.

skip forward to tonight with my opening paragraph. with the help of a program, a sponsor, a therapist, some lithium, some diligence and some courage, and most importantly a higher power, i have a life today. i have future to work toward, and i have something to bring with me on my journey. i have met so many similar people, some have stayed, some have moved on, and i continue to grow in new directions. i have found work to do that holds meaning for my heart. i can look at myself in the mirror without shuddering, i can stand to cry or feel fear. i have a long way to go, but there isn't the sense of rush that used to describe my life.

so that's it. no fireworks. no big parties. just a quiet exercise in gratitude for relief from the hell i came from. recovery works. if you work it.

today's sound choice is from the verve remix cd. it's nina simone with "feeling good".

here comes the sun

yesterday was a fairly full day of recovery workshops. some i am really grateful i had the chance to attend. they all helped shrink-wrap my own perspective to fit who i really am.

the spiritual living meeting opened my eyes to some different takes on priorities and this was so welcome. i also noticed that i had really gotten outta my head for a bit and that was what this trip was really all about.

during the working with others workshop someone shared about having boundaries with an addict in active use and telling them "no". this was offered with such naivete and directness that i felt my heart open and i empathized so naturally. i also secretly wished i could do that with people in my life who may or may not be addicts, but are highly active users. damn, i struggle with boundaries so obviously that i must be a target. i will ask for this to change.

last night was the dinner and speaker meeting. the person who shared her story also entertained and sang for 1/2 hour too. and she sang beautifully. and my heart softened when she sang a song titled the same as this post. the buzz was that she is a member of a famous entertainment family, so it makes sense that she indeed was talented.

but her story was like daybreak. she recollected the darkness she had lived in for so many years, and heralded the dawning of reclaiming a life through sobriety. she even cajoled about having difficulty kneeling to pray when she had no trouble snorting a line off some guy's wanker in a club. there's no better way to win over a room full of gay men in recovery than to toss out some sexually charged depravity to signify the depths to which one sinks in addiction.

this conference is feeding my soul. i am having a quietly monumental experience and i really need it right now. marc has been an angel and a godsend. and i am internally starting to believe there is some light at the end of this tunnel i had found myself in.