one thing i have come to love about meetings is the audacious miracle involved with a myriad of artful dodgers, minstrels, thieves, liars, gypsies, and grifters all coming together in one room and listening to each other. quietly listening. reflective listening. this is a complete shift in perception for these folks. it used to be all about them.
the willingness to let others shine, the desire to stay within the lines, the intention to support others in their journey. this about-face that has taken place in the lives of these characters is the best show in town.
it is 4th of July weekend and i'm very happy for the 3 days. i am much less busy these days as i have let go of my second job. it a mixed bag blessing as i miss the 12K annually and feel that in my monthly budget, but i also have had much more time to just be which has afforded me some depth in my perception of my life.
last friday a colleague and i spoke to a group of african women refugees who are living with hiv. their perspective on the disease is very much contrasted with ours in the states- at least those of us living with it for over 20 years. they still deal with gang rape, stigma, asylum, and death, whereas stateside we have become much less fearful and integrated it into our lives. as we shared our experiences and thoughts about this, there was a visible and collective sigh of relief expressed both verbally and in body language after the interpreters did their work.
all in all it was a very powerful 2 hours for me. i still find it amazing that something i carried around as stigma and in fear can be of such use to others. i'll just put another silver dollar in my recovery piggy bank.
a friend has been struggling with his addiction for most of his adult life. he got sober for about a year but when he was scheduled to go back to his hometown for the holiday, what may have been the overwhelming guilt and emotion cause a restart of his tango with addiction. a week ago friday he was found dead on a bike path near curtis park- no doubt the benzos and some booze are at the heart of the matter for him. i felt some sadness, but an eerie overwhelming sense of relief as well. he really is not enduring the frustration of his situation, nor the aggravation of his ability to manipulate his situation any longer.
as i wait for an opportunity to apply for a promotion, i am again considering the idea of pre-treatment as an additional option for folks who are using. it seems that combining this under the umbrella of recovery support services may make sense. people who are using often have difficulty imagining that anyone lives and thrives without using. and a drop in support group may address this in a peer-educator and culturally competent way.
i thought about the fact that i used to often find myself at the refrigerator door, opening it, and looking in- even though i didn't want anything. it was more a thing that i just did. i remembered also that i used to get high in just the same way, often because i was listless without direction and just had nothing better to do. i have found new things to do.
no matter how many times i hear this song, i absolutely love it. and maybe now i have a slightly deeper connection to its meaning.
So open your eyes child, Let’s be on our way. Broken windows and ashes Are guiding the way.
Keep quiet no longer, We’ll sing through the day, Of the lives that we’ve lost, And the lives we’ve reclaimed.
every now and again i visit ed negron's blog "the work-in" and always i find inspiration. here is the gem he had laid out for me yesterday..gratefully, i am reminded that change requires work and that the work is its own reward. thanks, ed...
Today's Gift
Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it shall be opened.
Throughout spiritual traditions, human beings are depicted as the children of a loving Creator who has offered us a kingdom. Repeatedly we hear that abundance, joy, and prosperity are at hand right now. Yet, though the harvest is here, "the laborers are few." Why is this so?
In spiritual life there exists a law called the law of demand and supply. Before substance can manifest itself, a need must be expressed. For example, if I desire to buy a home, this "demand" creates a force of attraction that will draw my home to me. The request comes first, the demonstration, second. If you do not ask, you will not receive.
Many factors limit what we are willing to ask for. We tell ourselves, "I don't deserve it; I'm not good enough." "How can I succeed when others have failed before me?" "Why should I have when others do not?"
In order to harvest the fields of plenty, we must plow up and discard these weeds of unworthiness, doubt, and guilt. Such self-imposed beliefs block the good that is our rightful gift. Affirm your own worthiness to partake of life's bountiful harvest. Then go forth to claim your Divine inheritance.
i listened last night at a speaker meeting as a woman spoke this very thing. this story that so reflects so much of mine. if meth had continued to work for me, i never would have considered stopping. only when the business of getting high had morphed into something so heinous that even my darkside couldn't stand it, was i even in the positon to consider an alternative. and there weren't many alternatives i hadn't tried.
last stop. that's what the 12 step experience was for me. i remember walking in to a meeting and looking around wishing i had died instead. there was a collection of souls around me that i wouldn't have been caught dead with when i was partying. well, maybe as a last resort to score some more shit. but i couldn't see what i had in common with any of them, and if i did, i am certain i didn't want to look at it.
they say often in meetings that newcomers should sit down and shut up, and this is a paradox to me. newcomers are to be the focus of meetings, as that is the reason they exist. but people who are broken or fighting to stay sane or upright, or so dessimated that they don't know what is going on around them. they only feel what's going on inside them. maybe for the 1st time a long time. they are have a very slim chance of hearing any wisdom at meetings their first few weeks. their brains are in disarray and their emotions have many times shifted like the cargo on a transatlantic voyage. with all that going on internally, how does one ever find a way out of their hell? sitting down and shutting up is solid advice. a drug addict's best thinking gets him/her into the fucked up situations they get in, and then they directly rely on that same oh-so-flawed thinking to lead them to nirvana.
what happens when we shut up, even if our brain is cacaphonous, is that some of the data that goes on around us seeps in. it takes time, and happens differently for each individual, but it happens. we find a way to notice a chink in the armor of our ego and realize that we may not know all there is.
and when these shifts happen, our heads change and our hearts open, maybe just slightly, but they do. and this is how the idea of a new life can germinate.
but shutting up is no easy task for anyone, especially someone in terror because the control is gone from their life. new people in 12 step rooms are not naturally willing or cooperative. being there is the last step and so is following suggestions that make no sense to the alleycat mentality. and the soul in pain that is so full of fear and about all they can think to do is howl.
this conundrum has been in place for decades no doubt. the experienced 12 steppers and the oldtimers offering suggestions that have worked for them. and the newcomers balking and squawking at those suggestions because they are sure they have a better way. and i doubt that the absurdity of this scenario will not at all affect the likelihood of it happening again. history indeed has a way of repeating itself.
today's sound choice is a very old favorite of mine from my dance hall days. here is suzy q with "get on up and do it again"
I know you'll help us when you're feeling better and we realize that it might not be for a long, long time But we're willing to wait on you We believe in everything that you can do if you could only lay down your mind I want you to try to help yourself Take the time to take apart, each brick that sits outside your heart And look around you There's people everywhere And though they don't always show it they're just as scared And we'd be more prepared if you just pulled on through..Sad Brad Smith
i have come to love this song. it's light and a bit frothy and the lyrics speak to me of working with people with addictions. at first, they struggle with the simpler tasks, such as sleeping regularly, feeling angry, being tired. it takes a while for many of them to be able to participate in the world with others. that's how it was for me.
i went to see george clooney's "up in the air" last weekend and found a surprise or two. i hadn't read much about it, but i had seen a clip and i loved some of the banter between the clooney character and his "intern". lighthearted, smart, and a bit poignant, i thought - this can be an easy sunday afternoon. that much held true. there was an exchange of tit-for tat that was endearing to me. and jason bateman has found his way into my "i like" column in almost everything he does since he has grown way past the familty sitcom genre into parts that are grittier and a bit more dimensional.
and i get that the very timely topic of downsizing, pirate firings, and corporate cowardice in confronting the concept that they have actual individuals with emotional dimension working for them makes for great theatre.but i didn't expect the dimensions illuminated in the clooney character at all. i guess i just hadn't expected it. he is past the upper half of his career, certainly being well over 40. he has remained non-committal in his relationship to most of the world. his apartment reflects that he has no adornments or memorabilia or emotional entanglements. he just has assembled the bare bones of a living situation. a bland 1-bedroom apartment with a forgettable sofa and a kitchennette that doubtfully ever have life breathed in them. this all reflects his life as being "up in the air" with nothing to tie it down.
but the real surprises for me was the shift in his priorities that starts to take place as the plot unfolds. his "dream job" taking him to acquiring his 10 million miles in the sky, is in jeapordy of being whisked into the past tense as technology offers a telecom option for his company to produce their services. no more hotels on the road, no more free miles, free rooms, free drinks at hotels, and no more casual liasons he has been honing as his skill set. as he struggles to keep his lifestyle in his realm, he begins the process of considering attachments in new ways in his world.
his younger sister is engaged to be married and he is invited to the service. a verbal lashing from his sister, layered with his career shakep cause him to begin to consider actually becoming an emotional part of his family and attend the services. he meets a fellow traveller on the road and begins an affair which he lets move to a more interior level. the techie junior he takes on the road with him to mentor with his wisdom and wiles of freelance termination seem to telescope a naivete and consequence of his former unattached lifestyle. and we witness his deadpan hurt as he realizes he does not master these more intimate relationships as he did the transient ones that occupied his life prior.
i found the film tender. much more than i anticipated. and it spoke to me personally about the journey that we take in this life. so many lessons i have learned are about the shifting of relationships and situations. letting go is something we continue to work on until we finally do let go altogether. the relationships we create, however, seem to populate the pages of our life. for my money, the depth of those relationships, the intricacy of those stories, is much of who we are and what we contribute. this is only a theory though. the real answer, no doubt, is still up in the air.
today's sound choice is from the "up in the air" soundtrack..it is sad brad smith with "help yourself". the lyrics quietly and vividly illustrate the frozen aspect that the clooney character finds himself cocooned in.
am finally feeling a bit better after of month or so of not-so-good. i ran out of algae and haven't re-upped yet.- each time i am tired or under the weather, or over-stressed, i remember how much it actually affects my outlook and attitude.
what remains a challenge for me is recognizing when i am not on my game (while it's the case) and slowing down at that point. i can get so driven by the things i have to get done and by the need to succeed (and need to exceed) that often set myself up for additional drama.
one part of me knows that the world will revolve without me, but another part doesn't enjoy acknowledging that. more often i prefer to carry on under the notion that i am crucial and irreplaceable. i guess that is the achilles heel.
hava great sunday.. and how about some of those performances on hope for haiti now?
today's sound choice is coldplay performed live for hope for haiti now...
although these suggestions seems so simple, it is my experience that at times they are so very difficult to attain. my tendency is to complicate my life at almost every turn. expectation after expectation after expectation is how i spin my yarn repeatedly. and almost without fail, i find myself at the alter of disappointment and fear.
here is a reminder to take it easy and slow down. there is much time ahead and plenty of wiggle room. i'm not in charge, not directing, not calling the shots- no matter how i fool myself. do what is in front of you, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other and remember to do 3 simple things each day... trust god, clean house, and help others.
the rest will work itself out...
today's sound choice is the inimitable betty wright with "the clean-up woman"
And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
the thing about the 3rd step, (for me more than any other step) is that it is almost a daily requirement.) it is so very simple to get wrapped up in ego and revert back to attempts at taking control over my life again. and that leads me to frustration almost every time. i can get so focused on outcomes that i forget completely about the process or journey and miss so much good along the way.
i can be short with others, block them out, eyes focused on destination all the while missing the experience. this happens not infrequently, i am embarrassed to report. i plug in so many activiities into my daily schedule that i am left retarded often when it comes to sharing those experiences with others. i am so determined to do what my mind is set on, many times i am the only person at the finish line.
i am revisited by the feelings and memories of childhood trauma often and it causes me to withdraw and become noncommunicative. i have recoiled from friendships and fellowships because of these very reasons. sadly, there is suffering left in the wake of this, especially by me. i hold grudges for a long time, well after they are useful. it's almost if i feel safe with a known adversary. these are but a few shortcomings still stirring in my heart.
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.May I do your will always
today's sound choice is once again the vitamin string quartet. i find i am falling in love with the cello more and more. well, i loved the goo goo dolls original version, but there is something that drives me goo goo about this version. here is "iris"
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
sometimes, my head get so bogged down in details and drama that i forget to go back to the basics. now and again, i begin to get disheartened because i am not able to help some people. they are too sick or beyond my abilities. this usually is the time for me to start working "harder" than the client and to second guess myself every step of the way. but that is not helpful either. typically, i know this is not helpful, but find myself doing it anyway. it only dilutes my abilities and my senses. my supervisor once told me that sometimes it needs to be enough that we are just present. that we listen and that we are there. learning humilitiy on a deeper level is "right-sizing" for certain. i can help someone without solving their problems. it's a simple concept that i have a tendency to forget. just as simple as i can have problems and still be okay, too. this is life on life's terms in my eyes. none of us get of scot-free.
The key to Step 6 is acceptance -- accepting character defects exactly as they are and the willingness to let them go.
Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
After identifying shortcomings and admitting to them by working Step 4 and 5, the next step forces members of 12-step recovery groups to ask themselves if they are really willing to give up some of those faults. After all, some of them have been around so long, they are like old friends. They have been comfortable.
But if the previous steps have been done thoroughly and honestly, many times facing the truth can bring a measure of guilt, which is a great motivation to become "entirely ready" to have those shortcomings removed. As with all the steps, the ability to become ready comes from a higher power, a power greater than yourself.... from 12 step study
today's sound choice is an acoustic version of colorado's own "the fray". here is "you found me"
And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. And he replied: Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way...Minnie L. Haskins
i haven't really come to terms with the passing of another decade yet. as i look back, at this time ten years ago, i was just settling in to my little apartment in san francisco's sunset district, with two old friends living next door. i was working in downtown sf as a corporate travel agent for a mega travel firm, and starting a new life. all that changed drastically, first with being transferred to a suburban location into a very homophobic and dysfunctional office for a big genentic engineering firm in south san francisco. i remember feeling as if i'd landed in purgatory. then i got kidney stones, probably from the accelerated consumption combined with an anti-retroviral or two.
whatever it was, it was enough to scare me into stupid. i left my job, and began the process of unravelling. it was not pleasant to do, and i'm sure it was an excruciating thing to watch. i slid back into old behaviors of the late 80's when i silently had a death wish. not really wanting to die, but just no longer wanting to live really. i had never really worked through those feelings, i just set them aside, and now 12 years later they were alive and kicking like the fire had never really gone out. and they were too hot to handle and already burning out of control. i found myself angry, frightened, and wanting to run- from everything.
as scary as i was, and as pariah like as if felt during those days, what followed has really been quite fairytale-like. i guess i had to literally let go of everything i had accumulated both emotionally and physically during my life, to simply clean the whole fucking house, in order to redo the foundation and more secure a saner and more sensible life. i'm not sure if i would actually use secure or sane to actually describe myself or my life, but with an adjective added or another syllable like "er", it is something i can live with.
and the shift has been remarkable. the ups and downs that were the fabric of my life before this decade have downshifted into perhaps a rolling hill pattern of movement. lithium, lack of alchohol and stimulants, the release of a thirty year tobacco addiction, and an embrace of a pastiched spiritual belief system have turned this once decaying 2 story mid-century eyesore into a functional, live-able refurbished and modernized denver square.
so here i am on the crest of another decade, and i find it compelling to review before i look forward. dear god- this has been a tumultous series. one that perhaps i knew i would have to go through as i reviewed my decision to enter the birth canal all those years ago. i have lost, i have cried, i have hurt, i have lied, i have revised, i have released, i have restructured, i have recanted. i have begged, borrowed, and stolen, and thrown away all i had. i have reviewed, rewritten, and downloaded a new operating system. this decade has been a full 20 percent of my life and i think i have done all the major work within its parameters.
and i could never have done it alone....
I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
today's sound choice is probably my favorite song of the last few years. each time i hear it coming on my car radio, i feel an electric current run through my body, because the haunting deliver of the vocal tears at my soul. here is kings of leon with "use somebody"
The following is reprinted from the Faces and Voices of Recovery (FAVOR) website. FAVOR is a national recovery advocacy organization that works on a national and regional political level to bring awareness of the efficacy of treatment and recovery- which is quite high compared to incarceration's affect. As the reality of recovery becomes more visible, maybe the acheivability of recovery becomes easier to grasp. At least that's the theory I try to live by.
Kimberly Armstrong
Dallas, TX I was at the Symphony the other night and I was amazed. Not at the people or the music, but at the Maestro. Not as to his performance or his talent. But at his enthusiasm. I was enthralled by this little man “jamming” to classical music. He was tapping his foot and just bebopping around like he was orchestrating Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. But it was Brahms. And it struck me, what I thought of as nice music, he loved. The same is true for everything in life.
Cognitive Therapy is commonly practiced in most rehabilitation facilities. Basically reconditioning or reprogramming the way a person responds to outside stimuli. Instead of using alcohol or drugs to cope, use exercise or meditation. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work and one can relapse. Just don’t think that way, that’s what is implied. Okay, sure, that’s all well and good, easier said than done.
If I were able to just use exercise or meditation, don’t you think I would have? I mean, I did not make the conscience decision to leave my children, family, friends and business to embrace a life of addiction and crime. If I were able to utilize cognitive reasoning before I started using methamphetamines, I would have made a different choice. Now the problem is I have developed the response to use in order to escape the guilt and pain. A preverbal catch-22.
However, I am extremely grateful for the Cognitive Therapy I did receive because I am now able to recognize something, Life IS a matter of perspective. That Maestro was bebopping around because to him, Brahms IS like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. He was jamming because classical music is what he enjoys, he is blessed to be able to do what he loves and get paid for it.
~ To accomplish our destiny it is not enough to merely guard prudently against road accidents. We must also cover before nightfall the distance assigned to each of us. Alexis Carrell...
wow! i had such a hard time sleeping. i had a few cups of some new tea that i bought when i was in chicago. it's called earl of oolong and it is fragrant and flavorful... and apparently full of caffeine as well. i hate not being able to sleep. it is quite unsettling.
when i cannot sleep it's almost as if the woodwork squeaks and out come the freaks. i find the little parts of myself that i don't really care for emerge (sometimes in full uniform) to remind me that i have a lotta work left to do. this month will be a lotta work.. i am starting a 2nd group, and i have parties booked each weekend and xmas eve and nye as well. ( i have a new leather sofa to pay for.) luckily, the catering will be working with several different chefs with a couple of repeats. and i'm working the actual holidays with a family i have worked for several times before. if i can pay off 1/2 the sofa i will be thrilled. after all, i have a sleeper to get for the spare bedroom.:)
i find myself a little saddened by the passing of another decade. this has been one of the most volatile in my life. i started using meth in 2001 and stopped in 2005. those 4 years forced a complete reno from the ground up and is still in progress in many ways. i don't know that i will ever forget the juxtaposition of "the best of times and the worst of times" that the 21st century heralded into my life. the meth phenomenon is much more far reaching than my little existence, though. it has touched our nation heavily and has been very heavy handed in the gay men's world. i wonder if anyone has done a study on the age of most gay men (as well as hiv positive gay men) to see what the numbers of each using meth and over-using meth are, and what those trends might say. i personally think that my midlife crisis had much to do with my finding myself lost and letting go of what i had. in so many ways, i didn't recognize myself and so nothing had value. and i kept trying to fill the empty spaces i saw and felt with any pleasure i could muster.
just a thought. i'm hoping to see "blind side" today, make some turkey chili, and maybe kick it one more time till the end of the year... love you madly..
today's sound choice comes from a different "back to mine" cd- this one offered up by mj cole. this is "destiny" by zero 7. the vid is filled with animation that makes me smile..
The purpose of the WELCOMING PRAYER is to assist in healing the wounds of the human condition as they emerge in the midst of daily life. It is a practice of letting go of feelings, emotions, thoughts, commentaries and body sensations, and welcoming the present moment, and all it can bring, in the here and now.
The Welcoming Prayer
Gently become aware of your body and your interior state.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I welcome everything that comes to me in this moment
because I know it is for my healing.
I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons, situations and conditions.
I let go of my desire for security.
I let go of my desire for approval.
I let go of my desire for control.
I let go of my desire to change any situation, condition, person, or myself.
I open to the love and presence of God and the healing action and grace within.
today's post is especially with my 12 step sponsor (and trusted and beloved friend) in mind. he has been diagnosed with an unusual cancer and is facing surgery this friday. he has been fluctuating between acceptance and anger around this issue. i have no doubt it would be the same (or heavier) for me. he has been a longtime follower and admirer of father thomas keating. he has been to several contemplative outreach and prayer workshops and retreats in boulder over the years. he wrote to father keating a month or so ago to share his struggles with him. father keating wrote back with kindness and this same message. let go and open yourself up to the power within.... i love you paul....
here are a few more quotes around this poem and contemplative prayer:
What we are “welcoming” is the Indwelling Spirit’s Presence amongst the ALL of life
The day and then the night have gone, it was not long before the dawn,
And the travelling man who sat so stiffly in his chair began to yawn.
Having kept me here so long my friend, I hope you have a sleeping place to lend,
but the painter he just smiled and said: I'll see you in a while, this one has no end. Sandy Denny ..... No End
so i see another week hustle by. it has been remarkable and it has sped by in what seems like a flash. i have finished some projects at work which has given satisfaction, and i have begun a couple of new ones as well. and on this day of rest, i doubt that is exactly what i'll do. i will, however, pay attention to a different part of my heart.
i have to weed the front and trim the hedges before winter ensues, and i purchased bulbs to plant to make ready for the spring. we put 4 trees in the back yard and i hope this will compliment the new park-like feel we are going for.
i also need to move my patio furniture into storage so they don't just sit and deteriorate in the winter months. my grill has not been working the last two times i tried to start it up, so i want to see about this as well. even in the winter months in colorado, it is quite easy to grill outdoors-the food seems tastier and it leaves much less to clean up.
i went to dinner with a friend last evening and i realized how much inner work i have to do. she struggles with her own issues and as we talked about where we are in our lives, it dawns on me that this idea of emotional sobriety is a destination on my journey. not sure if i'll ever make it, but i definitely am determined to point my sites in that direction.
i begin work with a group in 2 weeks. naturally there has been a shift in naming it, but i am rolling down the tracks. the group shall be referred to as "The Stonewall Huddle" and will happen of friday afternoons. i am actually nervous about the unknowns, but also realize there is no turning back.. so the clickity clack of the wheels on the track are a sound i am getting used to.
a very good friend's mother passed away friday night. he sent me a text yesterday to let me know. i felt helpless, as i had not met her and i was not sure how to offer him support. i simply sent a text asking if he wanted to talk to which he responded "maybe later". i then let him know i loved him.
these, of course, are glimpses of my life. i guess i'm a bit jumbled this morning. or maybe melancholy. my friend and i went to dinner w/ the air foundation and listened to recovering addicts talk about the transformation of their lives through the training for and participation in long distance marathons. when the whole group of runners and volunteers working with them were asked to stand at the beginning of the festivities, both my friend and i got teary. it was so evident they are doing the work.
today's sound choice is on to a new week of chill. this particular choice is two cuts, both striking, however the second song by sandy denny is "no end" . the total track time is about 10 minutes- an eon in online time, but i thinks it's worth the investment. each time i hear this song, i can feel my heart opening a tad. it has such a tender quality. the cd is a "back to mine" compilation by the guillemots. it has an esther phillips cut which i loved, a lovely morsel by the supremes, and a nice selection of downtempo hip-hop.
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
one of the more queer things about me that i have come to notice is this undying self criticism that springs from within. it comes routinely and relentlessly without fail and is the source of a whole lot of self doubt. case in point... i spoke with a friend over the weekend about a personal issue he was having with an ex. the ex is now in a relationship and my friend found out that the ex is "cheating" on the new partner with the same young man he had cheated on my friend with. this was causing massive waves of anger and dischord in my friends life.
the truth, however, is that my friend's anger at his ex is ongoing for about 2 years. the ex comes in to town to see the kids- yes they have kids- and every time he is in town, my friend dips his feet into the waters of misery and anger over the same basic issue.
so here we are again having a similar conversation. i am feeling for my friend because i know he is suffering. so i decide to tell him what i think is the truth. i tell him that his misery is of his own accord. i point out that as far as exes go, his is really not the worst. anybody who flies into town every 6-8 weeks to see the kids, helps pay for their housing, food, and education, is not such a bad guy. if he has a substance issue, that is not the end of the world, nor does it make him a monster.
i also tell my friend that i believe that he (my friend) is the one making himself suffer. he is responsible for his own pain. by this time, he might want to consider actually forgiving this guy for leaving him and not turning out to be what my friend expected. and that if he forgave him, or worked toward that, this anger and this suffering would actually begin to really heal and go away.
all weekend, i found myself ( as has been the norm my whole life) drifting into self criticism because i probably overspoke. i should have ( i would tell myself) used more restraint and just been supportive of my friend's position, instead of injecting my spin on the situation. on several occasions, i almost reached for the phone to call him and apologize for being such a boob.
this morning my friend called me on my drive to work. he wanted to touch base, etc.. i immediately sprang into my spiel and confessed my struggles with inappropriate remarks and behavior.
curiously, an interesting conversation ensued. he told me that his experience was nothing like the picture i just painted. that my insight had helped move him from victim to feeling some hope. he appreciated my words and the intention behind them. then he told me an even more curious thing. he confided that he does the very same thing. on many occasions, he will criticize himself for no apparent reason and without warning. just like me. he would find himself judging himself harshly before, during , or after a social interaction and it would mainly be about him not being as good as others.
an interesting sidebar to this is that both of us have experienced this for most of our lives. when i was using heavily, i would almost always spend the next morning diligently slicing and dicing my behaviors and my interactions from the night before. most of the time, there was plenty of room for guilt because i had done something in the wrong manner. overspoke, laughed too loudly, spoke out of turn, tried to be too funny, etc.
i had really assumed that much of it this negative self-talk was due to my partying, but 5 years into clean living, i find the same behavior.
as does my friend. so he ( in recovery too) has spoken with his sponsor about this issue. his sponsor has recommended that he let this person inside him that has all the critical things to say talk. just let him talk. get a pen, sit down and let this naysayer speak and get what he needs off his chest.
i love this idea. i guess if i have any chance of silencing this nay-sayer, i need to know who it is, what they are trying to say, and where they are coming from. i have been procrastinating journaling because i blog so often. it satisfies my urge to writh and it keeps me linked to creativity. but i have a wound in my soul here. this voice inside me slowly lets the air leak from my balloon. there are times when i am not sure what to believe because of it. i rarely think my work is satisfactory, and if i am satisfied with something, it is short lived, because i will second guess almost every aspect of it later. i definitely feel "differently abled" when it comes to social interaction. if i am not on stage, or being a comedian, often times i won't really know what is appropriate. and no matter what action i choose, i will critique it.
i think this concept of "let him talk" is very much the john bradshaw idea of healing the child within. i guess i am going to have to figure out a way to let him talk. i hope i am ready for what he has to say.
today's sound choice is a remix version of coldplay with "talk"..... god, i love them..
he has told me on several occasions that he is sure he is an alcoholic. he has been to meetings before, but he doesn't feel able to go right now. he is on probation and gets regularly screened for substance . he passed a dirty ua and now has to jump through some extra hoops.
he cries as as he fiercely explains about the dental pain and the sist that is growing. and how great the pain and how expensive the bills . he has written proof of the financial pressures. he has a rejection letter from a former customer who has discontinued their business relationship. after all, of course, with all this pressure, who wouldn't drink? he certainly is justified.
inside, i know that what he is going through is torture. i can empathize with the unmanageability of it all. it can get that way. physical pain, especially dental, is an incredible paralyzer, and can create giant holes in a persons spiritual armor.
empathy is a great start, but how does one truly help another. it is said that it makes no sense to crawl in a hole that someone has fallen in to help them get out. rather it is better to stay out of the hole to have better leverage and perspective when it's time to help. i surmise that this situation is no different.
so let's try starting at the basics. if you want to stay out of more legal trouble, you might consider abiding by the guidelines of your probation. that includes not drinking alcohol. even when you want to. even when you don't want to. next you might consider just how much you have done thus far. here you are, in a position to actually be taking care of your dental issues and addressing your health issues. this is quite a distance from where you have been. until recently, you have been in no condition to give your health a second thought in any way. and that neglect has probably exacerbated your current problems and that responsibility is tough to swallow. but is swallowing booze a better choice? thirdly, what is the outcome you want from all this drama in your life. do you want to ignore it more? do you want it to go away? are you thinking it will disappear like bewitched just scrunched and wiggled her nose? do you want to overcome it? if you can consider what outcome you desire, and start taking steps for that to happen, you are more likely to actually get there.
finally, you have confided that you used to be on psych meds. but it never really worked to your liking and you just decided to stop. what are the things that weren't working? how much of that was actually about you? could your reasons for drinking be linked to some of these reasons as much as the pressure you are facing with being sober? have you considered revisiting your mental health in this brave quest to take better care of your health?
i rarely know if i ask the right questions. even less do i know if i have been heard. inside i know that something i may say could spark an idea in someone else somewhere down the road. or not.
it's a challenge to remain neutral when someone is in pain. there is a fine line between empathy and caretaking.
my style is to be truthful with people. this is a blessing and a curse. most people would prefer not to hear truth. also truth is subjective. the way i see things is not the way others see them. this is always a dance.
but i know i carry the belief that people can change. and that holding that light will sometimes help them see their way.
so i am definitely on a little esther phillips kick this week. i haven't listened to her since the mid 1970's. a version of today's sound choice was remade into a dance record about 1976. i remember asking the dj at the broadway limited in chicago to play this record. he politely told me "we don't play that shit here"... it ain't shit in my mind. hava listen to esther phillips with "what a difference a day makes"
i find that i am immersed in some threads of reality that i cannot get away from. my mentor has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and is to have risky surgery later this month. he has been filled with fear but trudging along as he always does- as he has shown me to do as well. i am frightened, too. i care for him deeply and don't like seeing him twisting in the wind.
my mother has been experiencing some acute pain in one of her eyes. she went to a specialist as they were thinking it might be macular degeneration. but she found out right away that it wasn't. relieved for but a second though, as she was soon told that she has a cyst on her retina. this is something i have never heard of. and if you must know, the idea of all this really scares me.
interestingly enough, i seem to move myself emotionally to a place of insecurity and fear. i cannot change these situations at all. and much to my chagrin, i cannot direct the outcomes. i have concerns and attachments. but i am happy in my life generally. and if it is left up to my own brain, i will forget that i am partially living in bliss. all this spiritual work and i try to corner myself into a place of lack.
i was working with someone who just got out of jail after 2 months. their boyfriend packed up and moved out while they were in jail and they found themselves feeling devastated and dejected. just getting released from jail and all they can see is unhappiness and bad lack. this seems a little too close to home.
since when has my home looked like this? when did i start finding unhappy comfortable? how do get rid of this habit?
Just for today: I will strive to listen with an open mind to what I hear shared.
i love weekends. i get a chance to not be somewhere all day and night. it is not so relaxing as it is freeing. i spent yesterday doing a mish mosh of things, including buying a mirror to put behind the sofa, and a small chest of drawers for my bedroom. both are functional and a little over the top. i then took a 20 minute drive to pick up some end tables i had ordered from scandinavian design, only to discover i hadn't brought my wallet.
before all this self-involved nesting, i went to a meeting. it is customary to acknowledge a clean anniversary for a whole week in order to let newcomers know that the program works and people are moving through life without using. at this particular meeting were 2 people that are integral parts of my work.
one is a former client from a previous workplace. i met him as he was released on jail on probation and was struggling with almost every aspect of his drug use. he certainly has moved through many of his struggles, and it was really good to see him. he share that he had 34 days clean and was trying to work with a sponsor and actually do the work. this is a year and a half since i've seen him and the movement he has made may seem tiny, but he is working, he has an apartment, and he is not using every chance he gets. this truly is progress. and if you haven't heard... it's progress not perfection that is recovery.
the second person is currently someone i am working with. it's a tender working relationship as i have known him for almost 20 years in an acquaintanceship capacity. he has spent years overusing and self-medicating and seems very stuck in his current daily pot use which renders him unable to live life on life's terms. he finds himself without the ability to finish small tasks nor make very healthy decisions. when i first began working with him, he was smoking crack with a "buddy" about once a week, and this friend was raiding his pantry and his wallet on a regular basis, but he says he has let that recreation go. oh my, the things we do for love.
anyway, seeing both of them yesterday reassured me that there is still much for me to do. the direction i am travelling is just where i am supposed to be. i know these guys and their individual struggles well. and that is what is beautiful about working with others for me. i can take the things that i am most ashamed of in my own life and transform them into empathy and compassion.
this is a truly the miracle of my current life. and i am happy to report, that just for today, i can attest to the fact that miracles to happen.
i have also had a long standing relationship with electronica. it may be less melodic, but it speaks to my imagination in ways that lyrics and a chorus just don't reach. today's sound choice is hybrid with "just for today." hybrid resides in the uk and although they haven't had the commercial success of bt or moby here in america, in europe they are always selling out shows and simply inspiring dreams and creating magic in my eyes (and ears).
And this old world is a new world And a bold world For me
i am writing this the night before 09/28/09. i grilled some veggies for dinner, grilled extra for a coupla days lunches with some tenderloin too. i am grilling pears right now and gonna have one or two with caramel ice cream. my laundry is in the dryer and i'm watching "cadillac records" while i post. i spent a night in salida with a friend, savoring the changing colors of the aspen and other trees. that friend is my mother, and we are re-writing our relationship- at least the finale.
this is a dramatic departure from where i found myself five years ago and before. i had been flapping in the wind like a kite caught in a tree for so long that i don't think i could remember what it was like not to hear the wind. i had stepped in a bucket of "fuck me" paint and i just starting believing that was what i looked like. and it was reflected in every other relationship i had, too.
thanks to a series of what then felt like unfortunate experience, i found myself with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. i had no one to blame for it, either. this last part really sucked. i found myself back in denver, after leaving that town in an angry chess move, to have the fun that i was denied the ten years prior, waiting to die from aids. so i jumped to san francisco and directly into a kerouac story. or maybe it was really more like dennis cooper. anyway, the meth days began before my heart could heal from any prior pain. i checked out of my life emotionally, and began to fill my time and my mind with little white shards of ephedrine-like amnesia and my time with chasing the midsections of men. each passing month drew me deeper into nothing and before i knew it, that's where i called home.
5 years ago, after several miserable attempts and making a change, i touched the dark bottom beneath me. i had seen my future, had seen my past, and had somehow realized that there was only one way to find my chi. i needed help. i couldn't do it by myself, as i had thought i had to do all my life.
my introduction to 12 step was painful. all these people talking in language that ignited nothing but anger in me. emotional boot camp is what i called it, and i really didn't want to be bothered. but i had nowhere else to go. divine intervention is what it was. after a year, i was able to trust someone enough in those rooms to tell them about me.
skip forward to tonight with my opening paragraph. with the help of a program, a sponsor, a therapist, some lithium, some diligence and some courage, and most importantly a higher power, i have a life today. i have future to work toward, and i have something to bring with me on my journey. i have met so many similar people, some have stayed, some have moved on, and i continue to grow in new directions. i have found work to do that holds meaning for my heart. i can look at myself in the mirror without shuddering, i can stand to cry or feel fear. i have a long way to go, but there isn't the sense of rush that used to describe my life.
so that's it. no fireworks. no big parties. just a quiet exercise in gratitude for relief from the hell i came from. recovery works. if you work it.
today's sound choice is from the verve remix cd. it's nina simone with "feeling good".
