reaching out

image credit... paul frecker

i believe that working with others has become the cornerstone of my sanity. i struggle so much with many many interior aspects of being sober, but they fall to the wayside when i engage my heart with the well-being of someone else.

this truth has made its way to the front of my daily routine. sadly, i cannot help everyone i encounter, nor is everyone looking for help- either from me or anyone.

but being available to assist is paramount and that is how i spend much of my time. it is definitely a departure from my indulgent focus of my past- and at times it is both a joy and a chore.

the following is an excerpt from "faith, hope, and courage" published by the fellowship of ca. this has also come to represent much of my philosophy. or better my philosophy has been shaped by words such as this reading.

I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

For me, spirituality comes from caring about others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and peace from within. The gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could have ever imagined.

Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.

definitely maybe

Maya Hayes: What's the boy word for 'slut'?

this weekend has been stellar. i was able, with the help of a newly relocated cousin, to finally plant the 425 tulip and daffodil bulbs around the yard. the thing is the yard is huge...it houses 5 units so 425 doesn't really go as far as one might expect. but it's a lot of digging and squatting. luckily it was 72 degrees yesteray and that was part of the bonus.

i worked a party with a chef last night and it was also pretty standout. the house was a former boetcher family house that has been reno-ed recently, and quite well. the menu had a lovely french influence and quite seasonal, fried artichoke hearts, clams casino, mixed greens with apples and pomegranite seeds, beef bourgignon, with a lovely cheese course ending. the hosts were exceptionally gracious and i scored a gratuity large enough to pay off a credit card bill.

i was lollygagging around saturday afternoon and watched the film "definitely, maybe" with ryan reynolds and boy was i surprised at how much i enjoyed it. as he regaled the story of his love interests to his daughter, including the parts with her mother, he reveals so much about his own defects, hopes, and desires than he probably meant to do. but in his unravelling of his truth, he seems to find himself in a way he had been unable before.

there is a very strange bit about his character not knowing who curt cobain was, which seems implausible to me. but letting that go, the writing was thoughtful,  and the performances worked for me, it was fresh, it was romantic, and i got my goofy weekend cryjag need fulfilled. i am in heaven. and i am reminded of the undulating path my own life and heart have taken over the years. many times the things i rebuffed early on became much more important and meaningful to me later. at the top of this list would be my relationship with my family, my decision to stop self medicating (except with sugar and shopping), and my mental health.

the other five star addition to my weekend has been the "back to mine" cd by bugz in the attic. this one takes me back a little  there is a frankie knuckles cut, and a real favorite of mine - stool pigeon by kid creole and the coconuts. but today's sound choice is selected strictly for it's "chill" quality. i have played it repeatedly and it has remained in my head. here is vintage earth, wind, and fire with "departure"





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kickin

if you haven't dealt with your living problems in any focused, consistent manner, pain, pure and simple, will keep you subject to the dry-drunk syndrome. in this condition, "i'm sober-when do i get happy?" is the kind of heartbreaking question so often asked.

Earnie Lauson

sunday november 1st. can somebody tell me how we got to november already? gheesh, is time flying by. quite a week it has been, too. the travel ban has been lifted for persons living with hiv/aids. this hopefully sends an important message about the manageability of the virus, 'cuz globally there are some pretty crazy notions about it. the ryan white legislation 4 year extension was signed into law by the president this week as well. i think it a great relief until our reps in washington can wade through all the healthcare policies and insurance reform. that is gonna be a huge job, no doubt.

today i have "fallen back" and given myself an extra hour, just as the rest of the country has. it is a beautiful morning in denver, blue skies, nary a cloud, and most of the 20 inches of snow that we got on wednesday and thursday has melted.

i started working with a new sponsee this week. it's someone i have known for a while. we'll see how it goes. i have a good feeling about it, anyway. along those lines, i have begun to read "stage II recovery" by earnie lauson. it is such a small book. i am surprised. but it contains some good insight. once you get sober, then what? he has been a counselor for 30 years (20 when he wrote the book) and he sites some common issues for persons after they got clean. he makes a great point about being clear on a goal. if your goal is to get sober, then that is probably all you will do. but if your goal is to have better relationships in your life, then getting sober may be one step in the road to that. he states that having a direction helps us stay on track.

i am back to meetings, having taken a needed hiatus. life balance is something i will probably always need to work on. i have difficulty saying no. i have challenges being still. i am 1st to problem solve, in lieu of letting others find their own way. i struggle with saying nothing.... these are the paths of most resistance for me. and these are the ones that most likely hold personal growth.

i hung out with a good friend last night. we went to the movies and laughed out loud. god, it felt good to do that. we saw "zombieland" and it was funny indeed. i recommend it if you need a laugh. of course, you probably have to already be a fan of zombie movies to really enjoy it, but maybe not. the george romero films "night of the living dead" and "dawn of the dead" come to mind. they creeped me out when i first saw them, but there was always this wry sense of absurdity about them that i still love. the concept of zombies- flesh eaters that seem so inanimate, but are so unstoppable, so slow moving and slow witted, yet so deadly, so clumsy yet so cunning, it all kinda makes me laugh- probably nervously. they could almost remind me of the religious "right" if i squint my eyes.

gonna have some fun today. gonna try to help someone smile. gonna cook a little, gonna eat a little, gonna read a little. hope you have a great chill day, too.

today's sound choice is the 4th offering of the "back to mine" series. this is the selections put forth by "new order". i have re-acquainted myself with vintage missy elliot on this one.. that's been a bonus. but i also can't help but notice their homage to early electro- especially giorgio moroder. there's a remix version of  "i feel love" by donna summer as well as my pick today- "e=mc2". i have listened to this one several times over the  past week and i have come to love it. it pays homage to kraftwerk, it takes me on a trip, and i find myself letting go. and isn't that what music really should do?







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traveller by train

The day and then the night have gone, it was not long before the dawn,



And the travelling man who sat so stiffly in his chair began to yawn.


Having kept me here so long my friend, I hope you have a sleeping place to lend,


but the painter he just smiled and said: I'll see you in a while, this one has no end.
 
Sandy Denny ..... No End

so i see another week hustle by. it has been remarkable and it has sped by in what seems like a flash. i have finished some projects at work which has given satisfaction, and i have begun a couple of new ones as well. and on this day of rest, i doubt that is exactly what i'll do. i will, however, pay attention to a different part of my heart.

i have to weed the front and trim the hedges before winter ensues, and i purchased bulbs to plant to make ready for the spring. we put 4 trees in the back yard and i hope this will compliment the new park-like feel we are going for.

i also need to move my patio furniture into storage so they don't just sit and deteriorate in the winter months. my grill has not been working the last two times i tried to start it up, so i want to see about this as well. even in the winter months in colorado, it is quite easy to grill outdoors-the food seems tastier and it leaves much less to clean up.

i went to dinner with a friend last evening and i realized how much inner work i have to do. she struggles with her own issues and as we talked about where we are in our lives, it dawns on me that this idea of emotional sobriety is a destination on my journey. not sure if i'll ever make it, but i definitely am determined to point my sites in that direction.

i begin work with a group in 2 weeks. naturally there has been a shift in naming it, but i am rolling down the tracks. the group shall be referred to as "The Stonewall Huddle" and will happen of friday afternoons. i am actually nervous about the unknowns, but also realize there is no turning back.. so the clickity clack of the wheels on the track are a sound i am getting used to.

a very good friend's mother passed away friday night. he sent me a text yesterday to let me know. i felt helpless, as i had not met her and i was not sure how to offer him support. i simply sent a text asking if he wanted to talk to which he responded "maybe later". i then let him know i loved him.

these, of course, are glimpses of my life. i guess i'm a bit jumbled this morning. or maybe melancholy. my friend and i went to dinner w/ the air foundation and listened to recovering addicts talk about the transformation of their lives through the training for and participation in long distance marathons. when the whole group of runners and volunteers working with them were asked to stand at the beginning of the festivities, both my friend and i got teary. it was so evident they are doing the work.

today's sound choice is on to a new week of chill. this particular choice is two cuts, both striking, however the second song by sandy denny is "no end" . the total track time is about 10  minutes- an eon in online time, but i thinks it's worth the investment.  each time i hear this song, i can feel my heart opening a tad. it has such a tender quality. the cd is a "back to mine" compilation by the guillemots. it has an esther phillips cut which i loved, a lovely morsel by the supremes, and a nice selection of downtempo hip-hop.

new classic

Bliss can be a state of profound spiritual satisfaction, happiness or joy, often associated with religious ideas of the afterlife.

once in awhile, there is a cd that comes along that really rocks my world in some way. "quiet letters" by bliss is an example of such. it is actually a couple of years old, but the short compilation of songs still hold delight for me. it is a ambient masterpiece and can shift my mood whenever i hear it. for me, it has become a classic. i encourage you to check it out for yourself.

if you are looking for a gift for someone and may not quite be sure what to get them, i have no doubt this will be one not to forget.

here is what whiteswan music says about the cd:

Quiet Letters is a chill-out masterpiece with its captivating vocals, gentle percussion and gracious orchestration.

Deeply rooted in a fine collage of Western, African and classical musical influences, representing the vast musical backgrounds of the band, Bliss has inspired comparisons to Sade, Massive Attack and Ennio Morricone. Bliss is Steffen Aaskoven, Marc-George Andersen, Alexandra Hamnede, Salvador 'Tchando' Embalo, and features guest vocals by Sophie Barker from Zero 7.

Bliss is an international chill out pop music collective from Denmark, Sweden and Guinea-Bissau, West Africa. Since 2001, they have released material on the Danish label, music for dreams, appeared on more than 60 compilations worldwide and in such tv shows as csi: crime scene investigation.

Quiet Letters is Balearic, classic and mysterious, one of those albums that you have always been looking for without ever finding. It will transport you far beyond the beaches of Ibiza, on a travel through African soul, Scandinavian jazz, and ethereal pop featuring guest vocals by zero 7’s sophie barker. Experience the chill out record of the summer. Catch some Bliss.


Musicians

steffan aaskoven : producer & composer
marc-george andersen : composer
salvador 'tchando' embalo : singer & composer
alexandra hamnede : singer
sophie barker : singer

of course today's sound choice is by bliss: kissing

up on the roof

i started to jog the park again this week. i am hoping the fresh air and the exercise will help readjust my perspective. i am doing okay, i feel i could just be doing better. things are changing pretty quickly for me, and i want to stay as grounded as possible for the next few weeks. something fantastic is on the horizon. sometimes i just have to get a little higher up and a little away to see it more clearly.

i've been wanting to post a laura nyro song for quite awhile. i think she had an incredible voice and quite a style, too. i saw her live a couple of times and they were great shows.

When this old world starts getting me down
And people are just too much for me to face
I climb way up to the top of the stars
And all my cares just drift right into space

On the roof it's peaceful as can be
And there the world below can't bother me
Let me tell you now

When I come home feeling tired and beat
I go up where the air is fresh and sweet
I get away from the hustling crowds
And all that rat race noise down in the street

On the roof's the only place I know
Where you just have to wish to make it so
Up on the roof

At night the stars put on a show for free
And darling you can share it all with me
I keep-a tellin' you

Right smack dab in the middle of town
I found a Paradise that's trouble-proof
And if this world starts getting you down
There's room enough for two up on the roof

Up on the roof..........

chill

image credit: jose manchado

from the free dictionary:

Our Living Language In the 1980s and 1990s, chill gained currency as a slang term meaning "to relax, calm down." It is first recorded in 1979 and comes from Black English slang, which has frequently been a source of slang and informal words in Standard English, often through the medium of various African-American musical styles (in this case, rap and hip-hop). In fact, the word chill has had several incarnations as a slang term both inside and outside Black English. An older slang sense, recorded first in the 1870s, has been "to lose interest (in something), sour (on something)." Since the late 1920s it has also been used transitively to mean "to quash" and even "to kill." The recent use in the sense "to calm down" is another example of slang's innovativeness: English has always used words referring to heat and cold metaphorically to refer to emotions, and has used cool to refer to calmness since Old English times. Chill is a novel way of saying cool down, an old metaphor. The semantic evolution of chill continues as this is being written; the new sense of "to relax" has even more recently been extended to mean "to relax among friends, socialize." Chill thus offers a good example of how living languages are constantly changing in ways that are at once unpredictable and immediately comprehensible

there is a series of musical compilations that i love called "back to mine". it consists mostly of famous and semi-famous musicians who after a night at the club, take their cohorts back to their homes-"let's go back to mine" and play their favorite songs and musicians for their friends.

this style of music is mostly "chill" as it is usually put together after hours and after the club is closed and the party is winding down. this is where i first was introduced to the concept of chill in music and fell hard and fast for the genre. i believe there are actually 21 compilations available now and most of them have merit.

january 1, 2008 was a great day of chill for me. i didn't listen to that much music as i slept a good portion of the day. i got some other things done, but i think the most valuable was the chill portion. the part where i just didn't do anything other than be. god it felt good to do nothing.