CLOCK DVA 4 Hours 1981

 

image credit... alex ibsen 

This is a visual and aural slice of my 80's. The saturated color, the frenetic funmaking, the odd pairings, camp and macabre- sometimes when i look back, i smile. sometimes i wince. mostly, i remember the music. it soothed me and cajoled me and carried me to the next round.

This midmorning awakening

This bleak whiteness, nothingness

The eye that stares through your mirror

A suction entanglement

On stained sheets

Figures with no regrets

Their doubts caste a shadow here

The time drifts

The time swells

The skies melt

In my dream I am older

Everything is soft out of focus

There's this sound which disturbs me

A clarinet plays in the distance

Everything turns black and white

I must go to work

I know where it is

I've been there before

I'll go there this time

They will not have to force me

I'll go there willingly

I'll go there today

This could be New York

This could be London

I don't care anymore

I'm wearing this suit

A black suit

I'm wearing this time

A black tie

I'm carrying this case

A black case

I walk down the street

The people are staring

The taxi cab is slower

A piano falls from above

It smashes in front of me

I fall to the floor

I open this door

I'm back in my room

I see two people asleep

This midmorning awakening

This bleak grey whiteness, nothingness

The eye that stares through your mirror

I see two figures asleep

They look older

You look Older

We're all older

Let us join them in their dreams

We're only four hours

We're only four moments

We're only here too long

bits o' red white and blue

image credit...Kenneth Cappello

it is 4th of July weekend and i'm very happy for the 3 days. i am much less busy these days as i have let go of my second job. it a mixed bag blessing as i miss the 12K annually and feel that in my monthly budget, but i also have had much more time to just be which has afforded me some depth in my perception of my life.

last friday a colleague and i spoke to a group of african women refugees who are living with hiv. their perspective on the disease is very much contrasted with ours in the states- at least those of us living with it for over 20 years. they still deal with gang rape, stigma, asylum, and death, whereas stateside we have become much less fearful and integrated it into our lives. as we shared our experiences and thoughts about this, there was a visible and collective sigh of relief expressed both verbally and in body language after the interpreters did their work.

all in all it was a very powerful 2 hours for me. i still find it amazing that something i carried around as stigma and in fear can be of such use to others. i'll just put another silver dollar in my recovery piggy bank.

a friend has been struggling with his addiction for most of his adult life. he got sober for about a year but when he was scheduled to go back to his hometown for the holiday, what may have been the overwhelming guilt and emotion cause a restart of his tango with addiction. a week ago friday he was found dead on a bike path near curtis park- no doubt the benzos and some booze are at the heart of the matter for him. i felt some sadness, but an eerie overwhelming sense of relief as well. he really is not enduring the frustration of his situation, nor the aggravation of his ability to manipulate his situation any longer.

as i wait for an opportunity to apply for a promotion, i am again considering the idea of pre-treatment as an additional option for folks who are using. it seems that combining this under the umbrella of recovery support services may make sense. people who are using often have difficulty imagining that anyone lives and thrives without using. and a drop in support group may address this in a peer-educator and culturally competent way.

i thought about the fact that i used to often find myself at the refrigerator door, opening it, and looking in- even though i didn't want anything. it was more a thing that i just did. i remembered also that i used to get high in just the same way, often because i was listless without direction and just had nothing better to do. i have found new things to do.

no matter how many times i hear this song, i absolutely love it. and maybe now i have a slightly deeper connection to its meaning.

So open your eyes child,
Let’s be on our way.
Broken windows and ashes
Are guiding the way.


Keep quiet no longer,
We’ll sing through the day,
Of the lives that we’ve lost,
And the lives we’ve reclaimed.

apres le rapture

and the angels have all gone... nothing left but teabaggers and wanna-bes...:)

rapture

image credit..martin toye

As for believers, many will be gathered quietly with their families, waiting for Jesus' return. Among them is Tom Evans, 55, who has served as Camping's public relations aide in the lead-up to this weekend. He has been counting down in his 2011 "At-A-Glance" calendar: Day 100, Day 99, Day 98….

In the book, Evans has noted his appointments over his expected last weeks on Earth, and a reminder of his daughter's 3rd birthday. On May 21, he has written the words, "Have mercy Lord!" The rest of the book is blank.

The apocalypse will strike, Camping teaches, on May 21, wherever it happens to be 6 p.m. That means it will be Friday night in America when what Camping calls "super terrible" earthquakes will hit the New Zealand region.

The earthquakes will then roll on, time zone by time zone. The saved, perhaps 2% to 3% of the world population, will be whisked to God, while the rest will be obliterated in what he calls "a super horror story."

Camping reads neither Hebrew nor Greek, the two main languages of the Bible, but insists his arithmetic is ironclad. He calculates that God gave humanity 7,000 years to prepare for its destiny, just as Noah had seven days to prepare for the flood, and that May 21 is the terminus of human history if one counts time by the Jewish calendar. There are other signs of the end, he teaches. Gay rights. The rebirth of Israel, and the Jewish state's rejection of Jesus..... reprinted from latimes.com

i walked around my office today to say goodbye to my bestie fellow workers. it seemed queer and a bit funny as i assured them that i have thoroughly enjoyed working with them and spending time with them, but i was going to be leaving tomorrow. i was to be called home and had different work to do.

this could be viewed as blasphemous i suppose. and i guess it is meant to be a bit of that. to believe that there is a fixed date when the angels among us are to be called home, seems a bit contrived. and a lot of wishful thinking. the angels among us most likely don't fantasize about leaving cuz they are into the task as hand. it makes sense that the "not" angels among us are bored with what they do and long for a change.

just a thought...

Me, amore don't you know
My love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet.
Mesmerised in every way
Keep me in a state of daze
Your kisses make my skin feel weak
Always melting in your heat.
Then I soar like a bird in the wind
Oh I glide as I'm flying through heaven.
Me, amore don't you know
My love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet.

and another thought is that a mash-up might just be the best nod to this mash up of an idea about the predicted rapture tomorrow. if somehow it comes to be and  this is my final post, i want to assure you that i am at peace with my life. although i feel i have much more to do, i know i can move on with peace and feel completely thankful that i found recovery in my life and have been able to share it with others..

under the covers

i stumbled across this version of the lady antebellum grammy winner of 2010. adele's ease with song continues to amaze me and give me a smile.

sail

me and music.. we gotta thing.... goin' on....

if you read the last 4 years of my posts, there is music attached to almost every one. my perception and my life has shifted dramatically but my love for music has only deepened. i was driving the 1st time i heard this song and i almost pulled over so i could get the full effect. there is something so visceral about this particular one. sometimes the smartest thing you can do is blame it on your ADD...
 hope you enjoy listening even half as much as i do... here is sail from awolnation...

SAIL!

This is how I show my love.
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD baby.

This is how an angel cries
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby

SAIL!
SAIL!
SAIL!
SAIL!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself(Chorus: myself)
Blame it on my ADD baby

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my ADD baby
SAIL!

 

here lies love

 

 

Here Lies Love is a concept album made in collaboration between David Byrne and Fatboy Slim, about the life of the former First Lady of the Philippines Imelda Marcos along with the woman who raised her — Estrella Cumpas — and follows Marcos until she and her family were forced to leave the Philippines.[12] The album features 22 guest vocalists and was released on April 6, 2010, under Nonesuch Records and Todomundo in several formats, including a deluxe double-Compact Disc set with a DVD of music videos from the album and a 120-page book. The title is taken from a comment made by Imelda Marcos during a visit to her husband Ferdinand Marcos's embalmed body. Imelda Marcos expressed that she would like the phrase "Here Lies Love" to be inscribed on her tomb stone.

David Bryne released the following statement regarding this album:

“The story I am interested in is about asking what drives a powerful person—what makes them tick? How do they make and then remake themselves? I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be great if—as this piece would be principally composed of clubby dance music—one could experience it in a club setting? Could one bring a ‘story’ and a kind of theater to the disco? Was that possible? If so, wouldn’t that be amazing!”

saluting helen morgan

The Helen Morgan Story

Morgan begins her career as a Chicago carnival dancer and catches the eye of fast-talking, double-dealing Larry Maddux, whose promotion catapults her to fame as a Broadway performer in Show Boat and a headliner in her own nightclub. She anguishes over her romantic relationships with both him and Russell Wade, a wealthy, married attorney. When she realizes the caddish Maddux merely has been using her to support the upscale lifestyle he has come to enjoy, she turns to drink. She loses the bulk of her money to the Bureau of Internal Revenue and the Wall Street Crash of 1929, hits rock bottom, and is hospitalized in the alcoholic ward in Bellevue. Maddux has a change of heart and arranges a gala testimonial dinner, hosted by Walter Winchell and Florenz Ziegfeld, in her honor. The film's ending suggests this was Morgan's first step on the road to recovery, success, and happiness, which was not the case in real life.

Spring Snow

Miike Snow was formed in 2007 in Stockholm, Sweden.
Band members Christian Karlsson and Pontus Winnberg were childhood friends who spent time playing in bands and working on various projects in studios throughout the city of Gothenburg. Karlsson used to be a member of Swedish hip-hop band Goldmine, who toured with The Fugees.[2] After separate moves to Stockholm, they reunited in 2000. In 2004, whilst working on writing a pop album for Britney Spears, the pair met the third band member, American songwriter Andrew Wyatt.
Karlsson and Winnberg collaborated under the moniker Bloodshy & Avant, and enjoyed a significant amount of success as producers and songwriters. They have worked with artists such as Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Kelis, and won a Grammy Award for Best Dance Recording for Spears's track "Toxic".
The name "Miike Snow" is said to have come from one of their friends called Mike Snow, with the spelling of "Miike" coming from the Japanese film director Takashi Miike.... from wikipedia

There was a time when my world was filled with darkness, darkness, darkness
And I stopped dreaming now I'm supposed to fill it up with something, something , something
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before long long long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal
There is a hole and I tried to fill up with money, money , money
But it gets bigger to your hopes is always
Running, running, running
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody of who could be strong
Tell me if I'm wrong
And now I'm pulling your disguise up
Or you free or are you tied up
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
I'm still an animal
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal

just can't get enough

Singer Mike Posner launched his career at Duke University, where he balanced his undergraduate studies in sociology and business with his musical habits. Like fellow undergrad Asher Roth, Posner began making melodic pop-rap songs for the college crowd, filling his music with references to fraternity culture, dorm life, and young adulthood. He also compiled several mixtapes, one of which -- A Matter of Time -- topped the iTunesU charts during the summer of 2009. After signing with J Records, he finished his degree, graduated with a 3.59 GPA, and released his full-length debut, 31 Minutes to Takeoff, in the summer of 2010. The album featured the worldwide hit "Cooler Than Me." ~ Andrew Leahey, Rovi

recovery is the climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on...

 
 

love addiction

It's a rush
I can't explain
Like you shot
Something crazy
Into my veins
And I'm ten feet
Off the ground
And I don't want
To come down
Don't want
To come down
I know
You're sleeping
I wish you
Were right here
'Cause my bed's so empty
I'd hold you so close dear
And I sang my song to you
Your smile was priceless
What else can I do?
I'm a junkie over you

forgive me please and indulge me yet again, but today's post is part of a short valentine's series and this one is really about a performance from sxsw 2008 that i found while perusing youtube. it's ferras with katy perry doing rush.. i honestly think several of the regular readers will enjoy this.. kiss kiss on sunday morning. i think the lyrics and the music are intoxicating and i think the sentiment is universal to addiction.




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cave of angels

Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.--Anonymous

as i had hoped, i am finding this journey with the "back to mine" cd's a festival of sound and wonder. with each cd, i have added some new ideas to my vault and have extended my understanding of music a little. for me, music has always been more than just a distraction. it has provided both comfort and nourishment, and has been a lighthouse during my lost years as well as the years that i have moved closer to light.

talvin singh's complilation is certainly an exotic meal for me. his selections have a definite "world music" quality that surpass the others i have visited thus far. i find the stretching that is required to percolate and infuse these sounds may be opening doorways in my heart and mind. and i am definitely on board with the continuance of growth.

so maybe with today's post, i affirm that i willingly travel to the "cave of angels" to deepen my awareness of the rewards of remaining respectful of the miracles that occur around me and through me. on some level, i know this to be true.

i got an invitation on fb to join a boycott of maine and maine lobster. as i read this, my stomach turned. this is not the response i would like to put forward. i remember back in the early 90's when amendment 2 passed in colorado. the rest of the country and the lgbt community started the boycott colorado campain. i didn't get on board with that either. i remember feeling abandoned by my community. i thought: here we are fighting the fight, and my compadres are leaving us in the dust to absorb the losses. and i remember thinking then that a better response to the passage of amendment 2 might be to build a national lgbt museum in colorado springs because obviously citizens don't know enough of us personally or they couldn't vote in good conscience the way that they did.

i haven't fashioned an appropriate response in my mind for the time being other than yesterday's post. but i do know that i don't feel a boycott of the economy of a state where 48 percent of the voters validated our agenda seems well thought out or a healthy direction..

i got to listen to a friend explain to someone some serious elements of their current health status yesterday. the listener has been homeless for about 10 years, and has been involved in some pretty serious "runnin and gunnin" with alcohol and crack for those years. a definitive reaction of the listener could not be seen or heard. there seemed to be a silence and lack of reaction more than anything else. i wonder if it has been so long that this person has actually been soberly present in their life, that they may not remember how to react spontaneously. or if they are just cautious and need to process quietly. none-the-less, it was a little like watching a silent film, the picture was there and told a story, but what wasn't said had it's own storyline. there are many times i am unable to fix anything or make it better. the most i can do is be present and be a witness.


today's sound choice is dreadzone with "cave of angels". this comes from the talvin singh "back to mine" cd. love it.






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recovery happens

threw away a lifetime you laughed and called it a sin
There ain't ever gonna be a way to work it out not after a night like this
I've been waiting on your call now just the silence and me
I know you want me to chase you around but I'm so tired of asking you please

I'm through with this I'll forget your kiss and move on
There will be no sleepless nights I'll be alright from now on
I'm better off now that you're gone
Better off now that you're gone

i woke up quite early this saturday morning with much to do and clicked on the tube to the early show. there was a musician performing who was playing a guitar and rolling out lyrics with a style that is perhaps springsteen-esqe with a ashville twist. maybe that's not a perfect comparison, but his sound stopped my morning meandering and brought me to attention as a listener.

upon further inspection, i hear about an accident that he was involved in last year. he was on his scooter and was hit by a van that failed to yield as it was turning. among the many injuries, were wounds that required over 100 stitches to his face. needless to say it took several months to find recovery.

as i listened to him talk about the effects of his brush with destiny and its effects, i was hooked. i heard him relay the impact of his journey upon everything he does today, and the immediate and most likely permanent deepening his writing has taken. i could relate to his position and felt my heart open up.

i have listened a few times this morning to some of his music and am quickly moving into becoming a fan. following is link to an article about a recent show in chicago. i love that i am reminded yet again that recovery indeed happens in many ways almost every day.

If you’re a Will Hoge fan already, go ahead and skip to the next paragraph, but for those of you who haven’t heard of Hoge or don’t know the man’s story, let me preface this review with a tale of incredible courage and determination. In the middle of recording the follow up to his 2007 album, Draw the Curtains, Hoge got into an accident while leaving the studio on his motor scooter. It’s no surprise that the accident left the Nashville musician with serious injuries and long hours of therapy ahead of him. That accident was last August, just eight months prior to this show. Day-to-day tasks are small feats after only eight months but to be back on the road is a downright miracle.

Now that everyone is on the same page, Hoge’s performance this past Tuesday at Schubas Tavern here in Chicago was absolutely phenomenal, albeit a little hindered. As the songwriter made his way to the stage, harmonica in hand, the hitch in his giddy-up is obvious. But, he re-assured fans, “about three hours outside of Chicago at a truck stop was the first time I realized that I was going to make it through this thing okay.” A boisterous fan yelled out “Welcome back, Will” to which he responded with his impeccable smile, “thanks.” “Lookin’ good, Will,” another fan shouted. “It’s just the lights,” he retorted. Yep, still the same ol’ Will.

read the rest of the story after the jump

today's sound choice is will hoge with a live version of "better off now"

hava fantastic weekend.. love you madly..

music me me

List 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below)

1. Bliss
2. Levi Kreis
3. Chicane
4. Idina Menzel
5. The Fray
6. Incubus
7. Kings of Leon
8. Silver Sun Pickups
9. Frances Faye
10.Dashboard Confessional

What was the first song you ever heard by 6? (Incubus) Drive

What is your favorite song of 8? (Silversun Pickups) Lazy Eye

What kind of impact has 1 left on your life? It has kind of been like tasting prickly pear cactus for the first time. I didn't even know what I was missing.

What is your favorite lyric of 5? (The Fray- How To Save A Life)

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How many times have you seen 4 live? (Idina Menzel) (1)

What is your favorite song by 7? (Kings of Leon) Use Somebody

Is there any song by 3 that makes you sad? (Chicane) I really love their cover of Sigur Ros' Poppaholla.

What is your favorite song by 9? (Frances Faye) The first song I heard of hers was "Frances and her friends". I never saw her live, but it's her career and what she represents that means just as much to me as her stellar Vegas lounge style. She was busting gender rules long before it was commonplace.

When did you first get into 2? (Levi Kreis) It was just last year. Somehow I stumble across "Hardly a Hero" and I couldn't get enough. I listened to that song every day for quite a few months.

How did you get into 3? (Chicane) I heard them the first time about 1999. I was preparing to move to San Francisco and a friend brought a CD over to the moving sale.

What is your favorite song by 4? (Idina Menzel) solo- My Turn To Be Brave - but I think her voice adds a lot of depth to the cast recording of "Rent"

How many times have you seen 9 live? (Frances Faye) never....sadly... But "Caught in The Act" is a live recording, so that flavor is there in every listen.

What is a good memory concerning 2? (Levi Kreis) I had his video embedded on my blog and it sparked a great conversation with someone I had never met before.

Is there a song by 8 that makes you sad? (Silversun Pickups) Don't know it if it's really sad, but Future Foe Scenario has a darker quality.

What is your favorite song of 1? (Bliss) Definitely "Wish You Were Here"

How did you become a fan of 10? (Dashboard Confessional) I heard them first right around the turn of the century, but I was hooked when I heard "Vindicated" from the Spiderman2 soundtrack. The lyrics branded themselves onto my soul.

today's sound choice is the chicane cover of sigur ros' poppaholla

He Won

opera moment

i don't have access to pussy tourette's original version, but this will do nicely...

did anyone say "gay nineties?"

terrence howard

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Jeanne Moreau

i had a really sweet brunch with my friend jim today. we went to the highlands and ate a bistro that neither of us had tried before. our waiter was authentically french, and the homemade raspberry puree that accompanied the croissants was out of this world.

anyway, jim told me that he had seen terrance howard on some program discussing his new album. this was news to me. i didn't realize it, but i guess he started out a singer. i happen to think that he is an incredible force on the screen. i have had the pleasure to see him in several roles and i am never disappointed. he embodies whatever character he inhabits and takes me along with him.

so i thought i'd share one of his songs today in the sidebar....

i declare today terrence howard day...

leave a light on

it's a busy week for me. 5 doubles and yesterday in the sun. i'm a bit red and a bit tired. the recovery event was a blast. there were many speakers and cheering. the bill up before the house and senate brings hope.

taking a break today. simple post. maybe read up a little on the paul wellstone act. leave a light on till i get back..


the new david cook single.

grab a hold on you

It is the soothing thing about history that it does repeat itself. Gertrude Stein

verve remixed is one of my favorite compilations to be release this decade. its merge of techno, dj artistic sensibilities, and vintage classics and standards, make for a blended sound that seems to be grounded in at least two or three generations, very much like me.

here's an example of their hybrid sound that marries the styles of 70's soul diva marlena shaw and our 21st century's diplo/mad decent.

i think it's bananas.. a courtship worth legalizing.

Like a sound you hear
That lingers in your ear
But you can't forget
From sundown to sunset
It's all in the air
You hear it everywhere
No matter what you do
It's gonna grab a hold on you