crazy is in the eye of the beholder

best fail compilation

a big ouch...

kinda makes my day seem lucky..

apres le rapture

and the angels have all gone... nothing left but teabaggers and wanna-bes...:)

who could ask for anything more

“Our shortcomings are the eyes with which we see the ideal” Friedrich Nietzsche

it has been (and continues to be) so easy to become frustrated with the progress of growth and change in my life as i move through it. i will often start expecting things to happen at a certain pace and i very much judge my process by how much i have acquired and how much i am expecting to come in.

this is not reminiscent of the spiritual life i signed up for at all, yet i cannot seem to stop myself from returning to this thought process repeatedly. i often tell newcomers that if i judge my life by what i think it should be, i am comparing it to a fantasy. if instead, i look at my life just as it is, and contrast it to how it was before i started my recovery journey, i am glimpsing a more accurate perspective on where my life truly is. and i can find gratitude and acceptance much more easily.

when i remember to do this and live this more spiritual way, i can find ease in who and where i am, and feel satisfaction and good about my progress. lovely, when i remember to do this.


btw-could this post have any more elements with queer aesthetic?

You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation. Bette Davis.

memories

image credit: keith haring

i went to happy hour after work with some guys from SIN, and had a few laughs. the turnout wasn't as great as i had hoped , but it wasn't too lame, either. then a few of us headed over to see a show. i was floored as the production started, because i realized that at least 3 of the players were old tweaking acquaintances. i was flooded with memories and found it difficult to keep focused on the show. i was having flashbacks and distractions and hearing past conversations.

of course, where tweaking and i were concerned, there weren't too many positive outcomes. most situations involving meth usually led to the same dead end: drama and deceit. either on my part or the part of the other person. that is partially due to the fact that i would consume so much of the drug that i was often quite psychotic. i could easily have transformed reality into a version of scream 4 or dog day afternoon or one of many other parodies or dramas or whodunits.

i just am so damn thankful i don't live like that tweaker i was anymore. really thankful, but at the same time, i wish my current path weren't so murky sometimes, either. i really wouldn't have chosen to see such a big slice of my past like that last night, but there it was.

and yet i'm still here.

here is a very strange memory of mine too. when i was very young, my uncle had this album. (and he's not gay). anyway, i remember listening to this over and over when i was less than 10. i guess addictions do start early.

beneath the surface

image credit: todd essick

it's funny. sometimes, when i look at my life, i become frustrated because i feel i have so much left to do and should be so much further along with that- especially at my age. but then i do have to stop and remember where my life and my heart were just a few years ago. in the toilet.

i have struggles these days, and not small ones at times, but when i look at how much my life has changed by letting go of the past and letting go of old habits, i am vindicated. if i take a closer look, i remember that beneath the surface, there is so much joy and relief, that my frustrations really evaporate like snocones in the summer sun when i use the tools provided me.

i had my taxes done yesterday and found out the refund amount i was expecting wasn't happening. you would have thought that i had been robbed at gunpoint. my behavior was shameless, childish, and hideous. i have to make an amends to the the tax preparer. still, the tools i have learned about coping with life through the 12step process did save me from spinning out of control and reverting to old coping skills.

treating someone with ignorance in a situation(and then doing my best to make it right) is such an improvemnt over getting angry silently and then drowning my own emotions with a flood of amped "feelgood" followed by hours of guilt and agony is a huge leap forward.

the love i have for my life now has begun to feel like a part of me. i can understand my own behaviors and those of the folks around me with so much more empathy. i am learning to accept the inevitability of most things not going "my way" and really being okay with it. i am learning i can be happy that someone else is happy, whereas before it was always about me being happy.

sidenote: one of my posts was picked up by this month's international carnival of positivities. it is a collection of works by and about persons living with hiv/aids. it always humbles me to expand my view of what i think i know about this virus/disease. and as this month's host gently points out, there are about 65 million of us living with hiv on the planet these days.

below is a remix of an old beegees classic by Supreme Beings of Leisure. I have a channel on Pandora named after them(I do like the group that much). plus, in the sidebar, you'll find a finetune player featuring a mixed tape by dj dream. take the time to check it out. i think he's done a damn fine job and i've been playing his mixes everywhere i go..

meme, myself, and i

image credit: marc olmsted

spanks to chris at texaco for paintballing me with the meme.

The Rules:

Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words : family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like.
Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

family not intensely family focused but more than i usually like to share about them in blogville. there are references to different types of families though. i love them dearly and need them in my life.

friend(s) with six you get eggroll. (how's that for an obscure reference?)

myself pivotal post for me. i learned how to be subtle and be honest and to edge my way from the stance of victim. this was an important part of that lesson for me.

love
the sounds of silence.

dealer's choice this was my first post to be published on other sites. i am proud of it, as it represents a rite of passage of sorts. i admire susan kingston immensely and was blessed to meet her and speak with her. and the gay army photo has caused me to get thousands of hits from all over the world. they keep coming, too, btw.

so my tagging process starts. i am choosing all new acquaintances today. i hope they play.
lexx there is something about him that feels familiar somehow.
geoff i really don't know much about him at all.
babz crazy dirty bitch is all i can say.
victor definitely more than meets the eye.
captain goldstar a quiet yet staunch supporter.

you're gonna save me from myself

your lovin arms

image credit: Temari-Matsumoto

i have been thinking about depression and hiv treatment adherence after perusing some articles. it's a no-brainer, but isolation and depression go hand in hand and it would seem that one's health improves with social interaction.

Time to Get, and Give, More Hugs

"U.S. couples aren't very touchy feely in public," says Tiffany Field of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami Medical School. This is a shame as touch also releases two feel-good brain chemicals, serotonin and dopamine.

Yet, according to Field's studies of U.S. and Parisian cafes, French couples spend three times more time touching than American couples.

So what are we waiting for? Grab your partner, friend or family member and give them a hug today.

above from sixwise

the more i am involved with Strength In Numbers, the more i realize that i have an opportunity to leave my town a better place than when i found it. this is a complete blessing. this is a remarkable gift. this is something that needs to be done. this is something that really screams to be done. and there's a long line of people ahead of me making some strides in this direction in other places. kudos to david llewellyn of SIN NYC...

Seeking Out Occasion for SIN
By: CHRISTOPHER MURRAY
12/14/2006

David Llewellyn, 32 and diagnosed with HIV three years ago, took charge of New York’s SIN chapter in March and has built it into the most socially active one in the nation, with bar nights, brunches, game nights, and this coming Sunday a holiday party.

On a recent Saturday night around 10:30 p.m., the small gay bar Posh on West 51st Street was packed. The Phoenix team of the gay football league was celebrating a win earlier in the day and bright orange team T-shirts were in an enthusiastic huddle at the foot of the bar near the door.

Further back, in the deepest part of the long narrow bar near the cushioned sofas was another team of sorts, their two "captains" identifiable by white T-shirts with the word "SIN" prominently displayed over their chests. This was bar night for the group Strength in Numbers, or SIN, a social support network for HIV-positive gay men.

One of the captains-or hosts, actually-David Llewellyn was making his way
through the crowd looking for men standing alone, engaging them in conversation and asking them if they were there for the SIN event. When they, relieved, answered in the affirmative, he made a point of introducing them to three or four other men already engaged in animated conversation.

A recent post to the group's Yahoo e-mail list gave a chance for a man new to SIN to express his gratitude: "You treated me like part of a family. I've wanted a gathering like this for years. To all the men I had the privilege of meeting tonight, thanks for being so friendly."

Llewellyn, 32 and diagnosed with HIV three years ago, is the main host and moderator of SIN's New York City chapter. SIN began in Los Angeles in 2003, the inspiration of Bryan Levinson, 36, an entertainment executive. What started as a potluck dinner in a private home in the Hollywood Hills has since grown into 26 chapters in U.S. cities and eight more in urban areas around the world. According to Llewellyn, New York is the largest chapter doing social events, with 585 members on the e-mail listserve. L.A. has more members but is focusing primarily on educational outreach rather than social events.

The New York chapter existed prior to this spring, but wasn't doing too much until Llewellyn, a project director for a printing company, contacted Levinson and asked if he could take over and give the local chapter a boost. Since March, Llewellyn has organized a bar night each month, five brunches, and a board game night, with more events to come including a holiday party this coming Sunday, December 17.

For some, the events located at bars that remain open to the public like the Saturday night gathering, are still cause for anxiety. Alan, 53, from Manhattan and diagnosed with HIV in 1990, doesn't like bars with their loud music, but also has concerns about knowing who is who.

"I wanted to know who the sick people were," he joked. "I didn't know who was part of the SIN group and who wasn't. But I still wouldn't really feel comfortable in a bar environment, even if they took blood samples before letting you in."

Llewellyn notes that he encourages all of those coming to an event for the first time to find him or another of the hosts in their SIN T-shirts.

"Come and say hi to me," he said, "and I'll introduce you around.

The group has begun experimenting with blue beaded bracelets to identify those at a bar as part of a SIN event.

Chris, 45, from Manhattan, and diagnosed in 2001, came to an earlier SIN social at a bar and was asked by another patron why the bar was so crowded. When told, the man said "Oh, that's why. How was I supposed to know?" with a disgruntled face according to Chris, who like the others interviewed for this article, asked that only his first name be used.

"There is still a lot of stigma against people with HIV in the gay male community," said Llewellyn. "What's so great about SIN is that there is really a spirit of guys engaging each other and looking out for each other."

Daniel, 31, from Queens and diagnosed in 1995, came with a friend and while also a little uncomfortable negotiating the loud music and the men already established in small groups, agreed with Alan and Chris that he is willing to keep trying SIN events and are looking forward to the holiday party and game nights that are attended by SIN participants only.


"I think it's great that something like this is out there. It's really needed," Chris said. "It's hard enough meeting guys in New York and the HIV thing just makes it that much worse. Knowing you can go somewhere where people will be nice and HIV is a non-issue is a terrific thing."

GayCityNews 2007

above from strengthinnumbers.org




now my recommendation is to crank this puppy up, get up off yer ass and shake it around while you give yourself a really huge-ola bear hug. or maybe run out and find a live bear to give a big hug. (yes you too, java) i'll bet it makes you feel better.

UB2

i co chair a committee of persons living with hiv in denver. the committee has become aware that an estimated 5000 persons in colorado are currently living with hiv and not in health care. this is disturbing.


we think that having questions about hiv healthcare and about hiv in general may not be as socially acceptable as it once was. we are attempting to create a safer and friendlier environment for those questions from persons infected and affected. and we are gonna have some fun while we do this. in larger cities, it is commonplace to find visible support around hiv, but in a smaller city like denver, it is not necessarily so.

so we are teaming with strength in numbers colorado and the mile high council to produce the 1st of what we hope will be many future get togethers for poz guys called UB2. it will be at Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret on Sunday 27 January. Bryan Levinson (the founder of Strength In Numbers) will be joining us from california to share some of his experience getting involved with other poz guys.

as a gay poz man living in denver, i feel i am ready for a bit stronger community among my peers. i run into new positives on a regular basis and would like to make myself a bit more available for moral support if i can. i know i needed it when i tested poz.

my friend marc is flying out from LA also to help. he is a longtime friend of lannie and hooked me up with her to get this started. marc and i met in person in october at the provincetown roundup and i will love seeing him again. i am going to try to put him to work on a project he suggested to me.

i am posting copies of the flyer i had produced to give out. yes virginia, it looks like a ticket. i am giving people enough to give to their friends as well. feel free to copy one for yourself if you'd like to come. i know i plan on going and having a great time and hopefully meeting quite a few new people.

bare

image credit: gladys

Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two, my life flows.

only once have i ever really had a romantic relationship. i was 19 or so. i have always gotten ridiculous crushes and tried to make friends or more with guys by the clever technique of having sex. but on one occasion in my life i completely did have an honest-to-goodness live-in boyfriend who i was mad for.

we had met while working together at a gay bar in chicago called "cheeks". (lol) and we kinda flirted a bit for awhile and then decided to play for a while. and then the dating and the moving in together just kinda came freely. we shared a 3 bedroom apartment in the de paul university area with 2 hetero female nurses. it was all very reminiscent of "tales of the city" with the comings and goings of all the friends and lovers. i think we were together for 2 years. i thought it would last forever. or maybe i didn't really think that, i can't say for sure.

i know that when he quit the bar to work in a restaurant on rush street, our lives changed, too. he was a flirt. and that's what he remained. i understand that because i'm a flirt as well. but, i didn't expect him to stay out most of the night at a co-workers birthday celebration only to find him knobjobbing the birthday boy in a parked car in front of our apartment at 3am.

i wasn't ready for that twist. and i got so angry that i threw things. and i left that night, and things were never the same between us. you know, i think that i was more changed by the level of anger i experienced than by the blowjob action in the car. i think i was frightened by my own emotions so much that i may have shut down emotionally after that. i think it validated in me something much more core. that i really could never have a relationship because somehow i wasn't worthy. i have never really let anyone else in since.

i have dated a few guys since then. there was an 18 yr old dreamboat who glommed (?) onto me in the mid-eighties for about 6 months. we played around a bit and we played house a little, but i never took it seriously. he ended up befriended my group of friends just as i left chicago to shake a devastating cocaine habit i'd picked up after testing poz.

and there was a really sweet guy from boulder who was dj'ing at a warehouse party i went to the second year i was in denver. he was amazing, really bright, funny, he was getting his phd, he was an artist. and i didn't feel like an alien when i was with him which is monumental. but i got just so close to him and then some huge security door slammed shut inside me and i turned away. i think i feared getting hurt again. i probably also re-engaged those unworthy thoughts. pretty sure that's what happened anyway.

the one thing i can surmise from these three situations is that i run. i shut down and i run because i am afraid. i might be afraid of being hurt. i might be afraid of being rejected. i might simply be afraid of being seen as i am. maybe the persona that i show the world begins to become transparent and i cannot handle that. maybe i am afraid i actually appear to others the way i see myself. maybe all this and more is true.

so have you gathered that i wasn't good at intimacy? the concept and the execution of getting close with someone else remain elusive. it is part of my healing process to look at these issues and release them. because clinging to them holds no benefit for me any longer. it may be somewhat late in my life, but it's the only time i have felt safe enough to try.

on thanksgiving i did a post called "the day i stopped dancing". i now think it an acknowledgement that this past year marked the time in my life i have started to dance again. and as i write this i slyly consider a series of posts i do here called "dance hall days" which fondly remember the days in my history when dancing was an everyday part of my reality. one specatular aspect of this is i don't have to be loaded in order to remember them or process those feelings. that's real progress for me.....and thank goodness for that. oh i'm not in love. i'm just baring some truth and hopefully releasing some barriers to love.

"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness blend in with your sweat" ~anonymous

unorthodox

image credit: pbase.com

i had dinner at a new friend's home last night. it was quite a trip, really. it was an unorthodox orthodox christmas celebration. he states that in many parts of the world, the celebration is really this weekend, coming to a close on monday. that is so for more than half of the orthodox people who celebrate christmas.

his own twist is that he creates an atmostphere of very unorthodox things with his decorations and ambience. he has menorahs hanging from outlets in the ceilings. he had christmas trees(full size ones) laying along his front steps to the house with lights in them. there was even a 10 ft tree suspended sideways above the dining table with lights, acting as a chandelier. but the best was a sewing machine on the kitchen floor with a baby doll wedged unter the needle arm. (this is a direct reference to a bad translation in the new testament of the bible.

it was bizarre, it was colorful and it was unexpected. and i had a lovely time. i remember how much i love alternative culture and alternative viewpoints. all is right with my world today. the elements in my life seem to have found the light.

hold on

for people in recovery, it becomes pretty clear early on that we have developed habits. behaviors and actions that we hold on to because they help us maneuver through life. mostly these behaviors and actions revolve around taking a drink or doing a hit or a bump in order to get us from here to there. but those hits and bumps stop working. an insane part of addiction is that we would rather hold on to those no longer working habits than find new ones that would work.

and that's what a very large part of recovery is to me. finding new habits that work better in any given situation. not holding on to old habits that just don't work any more.

now i know this is a mixed metaphor, but i couldn't resist. as a side note: i have always wanted to film a parody of the original of this video-but my vision is drag queens left holding on to various segments of nature, i.e. a branch, a cliff, a rock after being swept over by a wave, a huge wind, etc....

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Dont ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Chorus:
Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know?
Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Thingsll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
Youve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin your worries pass you by
Dont you think its worth your time
To change your mind?

(chorus)

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know?
Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Wont you tell me now
Hold on for one more day cause
Its gonna go your way

Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Cant you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

holiday ho ho's

they say good things come in 3's.

try lady bunny's entry- silly but sooo funny... giggle

and finally the foreign language vid that needs no translating. it made me smile- hope it does the same for you....

vid courtesy of gay telaviv. (i so enjoy this site)

lousy vinyl

image credit: photoscout

did ya ever want something a whole lot and then finally get it???
only to discover that it ain't all that great and ya can't figure out what ya made all the fuss about? now i need to remember my way back from the land of expectation.

wish you were here

image credit:philip toledano


i have taken today off work to just chill. my holiday party was going on at work and i was just in no mood. i hope i'm not trying to be a scrooge. better i am taking a personal day when i really need one.

i worked a party last night and i have another tonight and sunday. the extra money will come in handy. i am going to try to find faith today.. faith that i will get through these holiday blahs. and my frustration, too.

i bought this cd about 3 years ago. i still play it cuz i absolutely love it.

dance hall days

garage bands, punk bands, underground techno, industrial, and experimental hardcore. the 80's weren't all technopop and smoothed over r&b for me. although i loved those sounds, i also really gained a taste for the unusual and the "boutique".

there used to be little record label in nyc- the village really, called 99 records. i am trying to think of the name of the sweetie that used to be the director, the manager, the promoter, and everything else. oh ed, that's it ! he was a dreamboat. anyway, im not familiar with with all the acts on that label, but i am familiar with at least 4. liquid liquid, esg, bush tetras, and glenn branca.

firstly, there was the band called liquid liquid which had a couple of underground club hits in the early 80's, one of which, cavern, was pretty phenomenal. so much so, that grandmaster flash and the furious five used the rhythm track from their song to provide the most of the interest to their song "white lines, don't do it". i believe there was some negotitation with sugar hill records about royalties which did end up in litigation.

medusas made an inquiry to 99 records about liquid liquid playing at the dance hall in 1983 or 84 and we found out they weren't really doing any touring then, but there was this other band that he had called esg, and he would love to bring them.

i greeted the girls when the got to the club. they were the sweetest, most unassuming women i remember meeting during that time. the were just girls, who were indeed bronx new yorkers, but that was as far as their 'tude went. i think we went to dinner for a bit. and if i remember correctly, we had some sort of panic about something in the club- which actually was most weekends (lol)- but a friend of my mothers, jackie came into town from peoria and she ended up driving ed around chicago, while i took care of business, in her big lincoln continental.

he did mention that it was an evening he wouldn't easily forget, as she talked nonstop and kept him entertained for about 4 hours.

but back to esg- i asked them about their name and replied- simple- it stands for emerald, saphirre, and gold. and they still remain just that for me. i was reading lexx's blog and saw a photograph and thought it quite moody. that made me think of this tune that i loved so much by esg along with more of my memories of my dance hall days.

and for any of you 80's enthusiasts, i put together an 80's playlist which is posted to the right on finetune. not my top 50, but 50 i enjoyed nonetheless. i am also starting a series of posts on life aftermeth called retro fitted which will be more of my favorite 80's sounds. i am looking forward to that. i have been watching logo channel once in awhile and many of the music vids such as the gossip, etc. really take me back to those underground no-wave days.

got a note that chris is home and i'm glad about that. welcome home chris. job well done.

i'm not there

i am fascinated by so many things about this film project, including the soundtrack. i can't wait to hear all the music and see the film. i am, indeed, a fan of dylan's music. have been since junior high. and then there's the whole edie sedgwick thing. edie's now resting in the sedgwick pie.
and how about cate blanchett? what a choice...



i am following the clip with a vid of the song he supposedly wrote about edie.