notes on a scandal

this meth scandal that is. you know, i just love gay men. or at least i try to. as i listened to susan kingston of seattle speak about crystal meth, hiv, the hype, the myths, the elephant in the room, and the solution, i wondered about something weird and familiar. i had a vague feeling that i have heard these things before. it really was like some strange deja vu, or else the perspective she was offering felt so right that it just seems i have heard it previously.

she really talks with ease and insight when she speaks about gay men. i could tell that she honestly cares and has quite a bit of working knowledge in this arena. i have no doubt that she has worked with hundreds of gay men around their addictions. and i have no doubt that she really likes us as a culture. the truth is that not that many of us are actually doing this meth thing. at least not to the levels that the gay media and the dea would have us believe. roughly about 10%. it has become an epidemic because it many times involves a dual diagnosis of sorts, crystal meth and hiv. having to deal with both of these issues simultaneously can really be a double whammy. most folks have enough on their hands trying to get through and over an addiction, let alone the complications of the ugly stepsister hiv, too. and when it falls into this dual diagnosis category, many times it also falls under the auspices of public treatment dollars i.e ryan white funding. and that costs all of us.

on of my concerns for my tribe is the long term effects of that less than pretty stepsister hiv. for us plus guys, what exactly are the tolls she takes on us? how are we to deal with the inevitable depression that comes and goes through time? i mean, having to change our sexual habits, practices, and beliefs when we are not really ready is no easy task. i mean, suddenly i have to wrap my dick in a baggy in order to attempt to get closer to someone. subsequently, getting close really becomes an oxymoron here and one of the elephants in the room that i don't hear any discussion on. we are afraid to express our distaste of the whole situation because we don't want to be looked at like pariahs. well- guess what.... we are judging ourselves that way. i mean, after all, we define ourselves by our sexuality... i.e. homosexuals... because this is an integral part of who we are. and we are forced to alter this with safe sex and constantly reminded that it is our "population" that is the most vulnerable. i contend we have every right to to dislike this direction. can i blatantly plug microbicides here once again?



now let's talk about the other elephant in the room. why are gay men using meth? well silly, because it feels good. simple. uncomplicated. it's not evil when it is started. it becomes a monster. it is a simple recreational thing. as a rule, gay men condone getting high. it's part of our culture to use alcohol, cocaine, ghb, special k, x, cigarettes, pot, viagra, and especially poppers. meth is just one more thing. we have turned it into something else because it is easier than looking at it more holistically and it would mean that we all have to look at our own drug use. and i don't know if we are ready for that.

i know that i did not start using crystal for sex. i used it for other reasons, albeit self-medication. the sex part was just a bonus for me. it was not expected that i would have more sexual encounters in the few years i did meth than i had the previous 10 years before that. i was in my mid-forties after all. initially, i liked the energy i got, the weight loss, and the euphoric happiness that counterbalanced some depression i had been experiencing for some time. long term hiv survivorship has its struggles. and i had not a clue about trying to deal with them. i didn't even know i might be susceptible to them. there is no map. there is no guidebook. i guess it's time we got one.

but depression is not the only reason gay men (in the 10-15% range) are using meth. there is a gallimaufry of reasons. but are they all connected to something deeper. and this question leads me to ponder the crux of the meth and the continuing seroconverion issue- we may be looking for a way to connect. we may, indeed, be looking for something deeper and more authentic in our lives that just sex. and i don't believe we actually have a clue about how to actualize or even verbalize that.

i was reading brian finch's post and the comments from yesterday and i was not surprised by how many men in recovery are not engaging in sexual activity to the same levels as they were during their times of active use. it is because without the veil of delusion, we know we want something a bit more. a bit more authentic. a bit more real. at least i know i want that. i am just sad to report that i am not sure i know how to go about living that. or was it because we don't have the confidence to interact freely without being high?

according to susan kingston, if we want to try to end these maladies in our tribe, we need to learn to love each other and care for each other differently. this is a tall order. i know that sometimes, being sober, and going into a room full of gay men is like walking a mine field. i never know when my feelings are going to be blown apart.
whether this fear is based in reality or not, it is present. i think that gay men for
so long have developed, pruned, and honed their abilities to be catty, critical, and calculating. we know this about each other, and we accept this behavior. as a matter of fact, we applaud this activity. sometimes even award it. look at karen and jack from "will and grace". icons. fucking gay icons and completely toxic.

i read "the velvet rage" by alan downs last year. his particular observations have rocked my sense of "what is". i believe that (i will personalize this) i do not feel lovable deep down and therefore am always looking to counteract that core feeling. the best way i had come up with it until last year, was through sex and through my work. if i could excel at work and was able to engage in sexual activity, i had worth and was lovable, for a short time. the sex was extremely fleeting validation. i am working on myself these days. i am trying, with tenacity, to be present and to find a more authentic validation in my life. it is not easy, and again, there is no roadmap for me.

i do believe i want to connect on a more real level with the gay men in my life, both personally, and professionally. but it takes more than me to make a movement. kingston mentioned dealing with anyone with a meth issue as if they were someone very important in your life that you wouldn't give up on, no matter what. that this kind of investment is what it would take to change the world. i believe her. and i believe that that same approach will work with new hiv seroconversions in our community as well. and i think it's a good approach with the long term hiv survivors, both plus and neg. after all, we have survived a war and are still fighting a battle. and we need to remember that, and honor that, and honor each other. but first, i believe, we have to learn to honor and love ourselves. not in a narcissistic way, but in an unselfish and forgiving manner. i know that is a tall order for me.