kelly has asked that this flag be posted on sites to "spread the rainbow", and i've opted to follow suit. there is to be an accompanying "coming out" story or a story about why you don't. so i have 2 entries- 1 my own and other from a blogami... please consider this an open meme, and use it to affirm the struggles that our predecessors have endured and to catalog and validate our own. pride is about celebration, not so much partying, but more about endurance and coming through the dark. coming out as it were by shaking loose the shame and finding pride inside.
it's funny, but i have been out since 1974 and have almost forgotten there was even a process, as it seemed so natural to me. by the time that queer nation was a fresh idea, i had been out over a decade and grabbed that idea's momentum and swung through the next few years of life on that. i remember chanting "we're here, we're queer, we're not going shopping" from tho loins of the gay pride parade during the early nineties.
but there was an issue that i really did struggle with during that time which was my hiv status. i knew inside that i was positive, but it was very difficult for me to discuss it with anyone. i wasn't clear how i felt myself, so i couldn't handle anyone elses feelings about it. i chose mostly not to talk about it. if i met potential sex partners, i told myself that they were adults and could be counted on to take care of themselves. if they wanted to know, it was their responsibility to ask. (a true statement, but certainly not how i feel today). anyway, i went through a few years of acknowledging coming out day by coming out about my status. it was challenging sometimes. it was no big deal sometimes-to others- but it was always a big deal for me. i'm glad i've come to terms with what i have and who i am. it has lessened the load i carry. i know there are men who still struggle with the same issues i did, and my heart goes out to them. something i can say to them is: denial seems very convenient and a blessing, but in the end, it is mostly the opposite: a curse and a big pain in the ass. the light goes on eventually and we have to look into our own corners and under our bed.
the second entry for this post is actually a redirect to stephen todd's "prison's a bitch". his recent "queer in here" post really resonated with me, and the image of him in his cell with a towel over his window, 80's music playing while he dances with himself, longing for a different sense of community, stays with me. i urge you to read it and remember it's in two parts.....read stephen todd here 2nd part here
VIVA LES QUEERS! What I believe, having made it through all these years, surviving all we have, heralding all the change we have generated, is that INDEED, WE ALL SHOULD BE DANCING.
found this at brat boy and have a mixed bag of feelings in reaction. i believe it's an audition tape for mtv's real world. i must see myself somewhere in him. the delivery is candid, and i certainly can relate to blacking out. i know where that lead me. ahhh, to be young again! and to be so sure of things. viva la nu-gayz!
Everybody grab their boots, southern barbecue, and favorite cowboy because Life Group L.A. is gearing up for it's second annual "Saddle Up L.A." horseback ride to benefit AIDS research. The trail ride kicks off on Saturday, August 25th 2007 and will raise money to provide education, empowerment and emotional support to persons infected and affected by HIV/AIDS.
Founded in 2005, The Life Group LA is dedicated to helping people who live with HIV/AIDS make informed choices regarding their healthcare and general well being. Using a variety of methodologies such as peer support groups, public medical forums and the POZ Life Weekend Seminar, the Life Group LA creates educational and empowering experiences in a safe, confidential and nonjudgmental environment.
The successful and award winning event last year inspired this sophomore outing and a slew of celebrities have added their names to the charity which has already raised over 25,000. Joining the ride this year as honorary trail guides are Gilmore Girls, Damian Pelliccione, Fox 11 News Correspondent Christina Gonzales, renowned actor Jason Stuart, and singer/songwriter, Stephanie Erdel.
The event will be held in Los Angeles's Griffith Park Mountains, and if you don't have a horse don't worry. They will be provided on a first come basis. The ride concludes with a good old southern style BBQ/Pool Party, a poolside fashion show, and an award ceremony. If you can't make the ride, at least come for the party.
For more information regarding Saddle Up LA. 2007 or to register for the ride, please visit: www.saddleupla.org or contact Sunnie Rose at 888-208-8081
Written By Dylan Vox for GayWired
and this looks like fun to me, too....
i love living in the west.. but do ya suppose they are really cowboys?
i am including a shot of christian for his hairstyle only. no other inferences are intended. the hair is a beautiful example of 80's hair to me. a little highlight, a little product, and accessorized with maybe a dangle earring. (although, we didn't call it product then, we called it gel)
there is an excerpt here from life or meth which has stuck with me since the first time i read it. following that, i am attaching to one of the big dance hits from medusa's circa 1983 because i think it's completely apropos. this was definitely a cult hit because it is a very universal tale. i get goose pimples every time i hear it. and i remember how it filled the floor with boys who were shaking loose their secret sadness.
this passage defines precisely the message i hope to begin to leave as a gift for the gay men to follow me. come out- be who you are- but before you start the party and celebrate your sexuality and freedom, take the time to heal the wounds and scars you bring from all those years of deception, lies, and character assassinations. shine a light on them. don't hide them. this will hopefully help you lead a healthier and happier life.
Yyou have a lot of young gay men coming into the city; they were the nerds in high school, the wallflower, the ugly kid. They feel the city is the place to be sexy, to be a star, and they get a false burst of confidence with a drug like this." ~ John Cameron Mitchell [Director]
March 2003. John is 21, and arrives in New York anticipating that a climate of tolerance and acceptance awaits. He is typical of gay men the world over who have long flocked to the metropolitan cities to be less visible and to congregate with others like themselves. However, we arrive and establish our own gyms, clubs, shops and cafes - ghettos - and bring with us all of the emotional scarring, guilt and shame that we attached to our homosexuality in our formative years
John's first experience of New York's commercial gay scene, therefore, far from being inviting, is mostly unfriendly, indifferent and intimidating because almost everyone, it seems, is projecting their internalised homophobia and insecurities at everyone else. Gay-identified men who grow up in loving, accepting environments often find it difficult identifying and mixing with complex, baggage-heavy men, tending either to avoid socialising where gay men converge or lead fulfilled lives away from the psychological assault course posed by the scene.
In such environments, fear reveals itself in over-inflated egos and attitude; the degree to which individuals reinforce their delusions about what they think they are. Some people are so lost in their fantasy world of denial and illusion that they have difficulty discerning even the most basic truths, or to accept the glaringly obvious even when it is staring them square in the face.
"The power of both illusion and delusion should never be underestimated. The compulsion to believe in something we need and want to be true, rather than see reality for what it is, can at times be astounding." ~ Gary Younge [The Guardian]
Despite its immense ugliness to grounded, balanced people who have their egos in check, attitude is merely a person's automatic defence mechanism to the inner pain, guilt and turmoil that arises from the loss of a connection to the heart centre and separation from love.
"If one drops denial, one will see that falsehood, manipulation and distortion of truth cater prevalently to man's lowest propensities and pervade all society." ~ David R. Hawkins [The Eye of the I]
if you are struggling with your drug use, or with your life without drugs, please know you are not the first and you are definitely not alone. it is a challenge, this trek back to sanity. but it does have a payoff. more than just one payoff at that. stick with it, ask for help, take it easy, and talk about it, whenever you can. spend time with someone who understands. and forgive yourself. that's a really great start. it's a fucking tough climb, but it is worth the effort. don't get high. you've already done that. doing the same shit only brings more of the same shit. try something different. you're worth it.
rocky mountain roundup had a fundraiser on the 4th of july in denver at cheesman park. it was such a nice vibe. we had 99 paying participants and roughly 10 scholarships. it was hot that day, but most of the folks sat in the shade and tried to stay cooler. there was a pretty even mix of men and women. and probably around 10 kids or so.
after the food, we did have some silly organized activities. we held an egg-in-the-spoon race. we had teams of 5 doing laps around an american flag balancing an egg in a spoon. and we only broke 3 eggs.
there was a 3-legged race, a potato sack race, a water balloon toss, and a tug-of-war ( over 40 versus under 40). of course the over 40's won- so few people under 40 are in recovery and out about it. and there was volleyball happening all afternoon.
i honestly believe our members had fun. people got along. people were happy. people were engaged. people laughed. they participated. sobriety and recovery really can be fun. it was homespun fun- or homo spun fun. and it made our hearts smile.
and for you people not residing in denver- we are finding that collaborating with glbt members of other 12 step fellowships actually creates a stronger recovering community. our individual fellowships- i.e. ca,aa,cma,na,oa,alan are not weakened. quite the opposite, they may be strenghtened due to the influx of new ideas and faces and ideas.
you're welcome to experience community the 12 step way aug 3-5 in winter park. roundup
recovery happens more often than we know.....and it can be fucking fabulous!
and moving beyond "partying" has it's rewards. one of the most obvious is being able to remember the events of an evening the next morning (after a good night's sleep). i thought i would share a couple of interviews with a guy who has left the meth madness behind and moved into something better in his life, in hopes of reminding anyone in an ambivolent stage that there is light at the end of the withdrawal tunnel. getting clean can lead to a miracle as simple as letting your voice be heard. and getting clean very well may hold just such a miracle for you...
from the www.thewwavemag.com .
High on Living Drink and drugs behind him, Rufus Wainwright has a healthy appetite for life. By Tom Lanham
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stretched out at a table in his hotel restaurant, Rufus Wainwright looks the epitome of casual cabaret cool in his dress jacket, button-down shirt, black stovepipe jeans and white Converse All-Stars. You’re not sure if he’s on site to eat lunch or regale clientele at the piano bar. But the foppish folk-popper – once a near-skeletal crystal-meth abuser who crashed, burned, then rose phoenix-like from the rehab ashes – is not only savoring every last morsel of his chocolate-drizzle cheesecake, but appearing refreshingly gym-trim and healthy.
A few final sips from his latte later, gay icon Wainwright – the son of legendary folkies Loudon Wainwright III and Kate McGarrigle – has plenty to talk about, such as finding what seems to be true love; getting his own Metropolitan Opera commission, a work he’s titled Prima Donna; and issuing a brand-new solo set on Geffen, the Neil Tennant-assisted Release The Stars. He’ll be playing at The Mountain Winery in Saratoga on Aug. 4.
The Wave: You look mahvelous! Just mahvelous – no longer all emaciated, like the last few times I’ve seen you. Rufus Wainwright: Thank you! That’s because I’ve basically decided to, uh, live. Which wasn’t so much a question for me, but it was a vision, shall we say, that I had of death at one point. It was in between... well, in between men, probably, within the hour. And then I just had this searing vision of death ahead. It didn’t look scary, it wasn’t sad, it was more like an incredible orgasm. And the closer you got to death, the bigger the orgasm was. So it was kinda fun, actually. But I realized that I didn’t wanna do that now, and in the process of that, I kinda figured out how I was gonna plan out the next 10 years of my life, artistically.
TW: Did you actually sit down and draw up a plan? RW: Kinda, yeah. And whereas my other albums are very effortful and constructed – during which I hopefully learned something and now have some ability – I kinda feel as if this new album is more of the actual performance, the actual set after the rehearsal. And oddly enough, although this record seems really big, it was the easiest record I ever made, and it kinda happened in a flash. I was in Brooklyn recording, and it was the first part of the record, and I had every intention of it being this very toned-down, black-and-white, bare-bones sound. I wanted to sorta get away from the orchestras and the 10-part harmonies, so I got my band together and we jammed on the songs, which gave ’em a good structure. But then I moved to Berlin for the summer because my boyfriend lived there – he lives in New York now – and all of a sudden, instead of getting a cool haircut and hanging out at hipster spots with the East German low crowd, I was hit by this furious wave of German romanticism and classical prowess, and I ended up wearing lederhosen and visiting baroque houses. And yes, I actually wore the little lederhosen. And all my childhood fantasies of this fairy-tale Europe just kinda reared their ugly heads.
TW: What were some of the stranger Teutonic situations in which you found yourself, wearing those little shorts? RW: Probably one of the funnier moments was when I was hanging out with Eva Wagner, of the Wagner family. She’s in her 50s, and she’s very beautiful and very serious, just a wonderful woman. We were talking about music, and then she turned to me and said, “Your pants are falling off!” So that was pretty odd. And there’s actually a photo of me on the album in my lederhosen next to a fireplace. So it’s all documented…. This record was very influenced by German romanticism. I even went to Weimar, and stayed in a hotel where Hitler stayed, just for sh-ts and giggles.
TW: Do you speak fluent German? RW: I can’t, no. But interestingly enough, the more time I spend with Germans, and the more time I spend in Germany, the less German I know. It kinda just comes right outta me – that language is a hard one.
TW: But you have to admit, decadence looks cool on an artist. Baudelaire used to dye his hair green and walk his pet lobster on a jewel-encrusted leash. RW: Yeah, I think that’s true. But I also think that, on the other hand – well, two things. One, not everyone’s Baudelaire. Very few people, in fact, are Baudelaire. The other thing is that the greater challenge is to go through that darkness and actually overcome it and produce something even greater. Which actually, in pop music, is very rare. There’ve been very few people who’ve been able to capitalize on their health. Whereas in classical music, it was pretty much the norm – all the great composers were at their best when they were old. So that, to me, was always a real lifesaver, in terms of this taking-care-of-your-health thing. Because it is important, especially in the music business, to remember that you are a human being and you are susceptible to physical and mental illness, and that touring and singing to thousands of people every night doesn’t make you a god. So that’s my response, but maybe I’ve got a very Protestant kinda work ethic going on. But it is working for me now, especially in view of the fact that I’m about to write this opera for the Met. I’m starting it in French, but it could go either way. But in doing that, I’ve realized that – due to the size of the task and the probability of failure, which is so high – I don’t want this to be some half-assed publicity stunt, a la Paul McCartney. I wanted this to be real, and to do that I basically have to have all of my wits about me, and have every single cell available and in top condition. Once that’s over, I can pretty much go crazy. But until then, I have to have everything in shipshape.
TW: What rituals do you have for writing this opera? RW: Theoretically, at this point right now, I try to do about an hour a day of work on the opera – and I’ve actually gone through periods where that’s happened, and a lot’s come out. It’s amazing what you can do for an hour a day, if you put your mind to it. That said, I am very much dedicated to this album right now – it’s the order of the day and I have to do everything I can to get it going.
TW: You used to get so angry at the evening news, you’d scream at your TV and write songs accordingly. But this record seems to be focused more inward. RW: Well, interestingly enough, it’s the opposite. A lot of people have said to me how this is my most personal album, and in a strange way it’s the exact opposite, because on my last album, I was very, very involved with myself and figuring out my own personality, loves and all of that. Whereas on this record, I’m actually addressing other people – it’s more conversational with other subjects, and that, oddly enough, makes it sound more personal, because people can actually hear me saying something. So it’s funny how that works: the more outward you are, the more personal you seem.
TW: You look great, and say you feel great, too. Yet you open the album with a downer called “Do I Disappoint You?” RW: [Laughs] Yeah, I know! But that song’s a funny one, just ’cause it has absolutely no connection to me whatsoever. It’s about a brutish object of desire that drives everybody crazy, due to their extreme beauty. And they’re just never taken seriously because they’re so physically attractive. So it’s written as a fantasy, kinda like my own little Death in Venice. ---------------------------------------------------
and of course- there's this short interview, and this brand of video. this is an expample of what makes the internet exciting, having its own timbre and flavor in short snipets. rufus on leonard cohen.
this meth scandal that is. you know, i just love gay men. or at least i try to. as i listened to susan kingston of seattle speak about crystal meth, hiv, the hype, the myths, the elephant in the room, and the solution, i wondered about something weird and familiar. i had a vague feeling that i have heard these things before. it really was like some strange deja vu, or else the perspective she was offering felt so right that it just seems i have heard it previously.
she really talks with ease and insight when she speaks about gay men. i could tell that she honestly cares and has quite a bit of working knowledge in this arena. i have no doubt that she has worked with hundreds of gay men around their addictions. and i have no doubt that she really likes us as a culture. the truth is that not that many of us are actually doing this meth thing. at least not to the levels that the gay media and the dea would have us believe. roughly about 10%. it has become an epidemic because it many times involves a dual diagnosis of sorts, crystal meth and hiv. having to deal with both of these issues simultaneously can really be a double whammy. most folks have enough on their hands trying to get through and over an addiction, let alone the complications of the ugly stepsister hiv, too. and when it falls into this dual diagnosis category, many times it also falls under the auspices of public treatment dollars i.e ryan white funding. and that costs all of us.
on of my concerns for my tribe is the long term effects of that less than pretty stepsister hiv. for us plus guys, what exactly are the tolls she takes on us? how are we to deal with the inevitable depression that comes and goes through time? i mean, having to change our sexual habits, practices, and beliefs when we are not really ready is no easy task. i mean, suddenly i have to wrap my dick in a baggy in order to attempt to get closer to someone. subsequently, getting close really becomes an oxymoron here and one of the elephants in the room that i don't hear any discussion on. we are afraid to express our distaste of the whole situation because we don't want to be looked at like pariahs. well- guess what.... we are judging ourselves that way. i mean, after all, we define ourselves by our sexuality... i.e. homosexuals... because this is an integral part of who we are. and we are forced to alter this with safe sex and constantly reminded that it is our "population" that is the most vulnerable. i contend we have every right to to dislike this direction. can i blatantly plug microbicides here once again?
now let's talk about the other elephant in the room. why are gay men using meth? well silly, because it feels good. simple. uncomplicated. it's not evil when it is started. it becomes a monster. it is a simple recreational thing. as a rule, gay men condone getting high. it's part of our culture to use alcohol, cocaine, ghb, special k, x, cigarettes, pot, viagra, and especially poppers. meth is just one more thing. we have turned it into something else because it is easier than looking at it more holistically and it would mean that we all have to look at our own drug use. and i don't know if we are ready for that.
i know that i did not start using crystal for sex. i used it for other reasons, albeit self-medication. the sex part was just a bonus for me. it was not expected that i would have more sexual encounters in the few years i did meth than i had the previous 10 years before that. i was in my mid-forties after all. initially, i liked the energy i got, the weight loss, and the euphoric happiness that counterbalanced some depression i had been experiencing for some time. long term hiv survivorship has its struggles. and i had not a clue about trying to deal with them. i didn't even know i might be susceptible to them. there is no map. there is no guidebook. i guess it's time we got one.
but depression is not the only reason gay men (in the 10-15% range) are using meth. there is a gallimaufry of reasons. but are they all connected to something deeper. and this question leads me to ponder the crux of the meth and the continuing seroconverion issue- we may be looking for a way to connect. we may, indeed, be looking for something deeper and more authentic in our lives that just sex. and i don't believe we actually have a clue about how to actualize or even verbalize that.
i was reading brian finch's post and the comments from yesterday and i was not surprised by how many men in recovery are not engaging in sexual activity to the same levels as they were during their times of active use. it is because without the veil of delusion, we know we want something a bit more. a bit more authentic. a bit more real. at least i know i want that. i am just sad to report that i am not sure i know how to go about living that. or was it because we don't have the confidence to interact freely without being high?
according to susan kingston, if we want to try to end these maladies in our tribe, we need to learn to love each other and care for each other differently. this is a tall order. i know that sometimes, being sober, and going into a room full of gay men is like walking a mine field. i never know when my feelings are going to be blown apart.
whether this fear is based in reality or not, it is present. i think that gay men for
so long have developed, pruned, and honed their abilities to be catty, critical, and calculating. we know this about each other, and we accept this behavior. as a matter of fact, we applaud this activity. sometimes even award it. look at karen and jack from "will and grace". icons. fucking gay icons and completely toxic.
i read "the velvet rage" by alan downs last year. his particular observations have rocked my sense of "what is". i believe that (i will personalize this) i do not feel lovable deep down and therefore am always looking to counteract that core feeling. the best way i had come up with it until last year, was through sex and through my work. if i could excel at work and was able to engage in sexual activity, i had worth and was lovable, for a short time. the sex was extremely fleeting validation. i am working on myself these days. i am trying, with tenacity, to be present and to find a more authentic validation in my life. it is not easy, and again, there is no roadmap for me.
i do believe i want to connect on a more real level with the gay men in my life, both personally, and professionally. but it takes more than me to make a movement. kingston mentioned dealing with anyone with a meth issue as if they were someone very important in your life that you wouldn't give up on, no matter what. that this kind of investment is what it would take to change the world. i believe her. and i believe that that same approach will work with new hiv seroconversions in our community as well. and i think it's a good approach with the long term hiv survivors, both plus and neg. after all, we have survived a war and are still fighting a battle. and we need to remember that, and honor that, and honor each other. but first, i believe, we have to learn to honor and love ourselves. not in a narcissistic way, but in an unselfish and forgiving manner. i know that is a tall order for me.
so it's back to a more normal schedule i hope. i haven't really processed the last two days of pride events, but i do think that they were successful on a coupla fronts. firstly, i think that most of the volunteers really enjoyed themselves. and they were almost all in recovery and so for them to be able to participate in pride events and maintain their sobriety without being overwhelmed with sketchiness is a miracle. and they really did a great job. i also discovered that sponsoring a recovery "chill" corner or hangout is a great idea. there were about 10 or 20 folks hanging out at our spot on both days. safe harbor. and feeling connected.
and i think that we did get some visibility as a new option for gay men in denver. i am unsure about the extent of that, but it is a start. and we are grateful for that. and hopefully more tweakers will know that they have more options available and will somehow feel a bit more connected as well. so i had posted earlier this weekend about how i was still lookin.
today is officially the day of pride celebrations in denver. and i believe that for gay men in recovery, this day holds quite a bit of anxiety. and to celebrate and participate publicly in pride is like jumping two ropes at once. here is how i plan to ease that tension. the rocky mountain roundup pre-parade meeting is at 8:00 am and the parade starts at 9:30 and travels from cheesman park to civic center park. there, mile high meth project has set up a booth with a game called "knock it off" to act as outreach. we are the first gay men's treatment program in denver that i am aware of. and i am less than humble when i talk about it. but i digress. the game is a pretty simple game really. you just have to knock over 6 stacked plastic cups by throwing a ball. if you knock them all off you win a t-shirt that has our logo and "wanna get off" in huge letters. yesterday was family day at the festival. we had a line 4 deep all day trying to win those shirts. they love that shirt. guess the outreach is working somewhat. hopefully people will remember who we are and what we do. you get a rubber bracelet that says the same thing or a pen if you don't knock them all off. people seem to enjoy themselves. especially the lesbians. and lesbians all know gay men with meth issues.
we also set up a talking wall somewhere else on the festival grounds. it is 24 feet long, covered in white butcher paper and we are posing questions like "why do we use crystal meth" and "what has meth done for you lately", and "is hiv relevant". multi-colored markers are available in buckets hanging from each end of the wall. we went through 3 lengths of paper yesterday. Even the cops and the security guards were talking to the wall.
i have also been announcing at meetings that if anyone is at pride festivities and starts to feel uncomfortable, or squirrely, or out of place, that they can come to either of our venues and chill and have safe harbor. i remember what it is like to try to be around pride activities when i was first getting clean. i had no idea how to feel safe or normal at all.
today, i am going to feel proud that i have tried to take my struggles and turn them toward the folks in my vicinity. this has given my journey some purpose and some value. and i am going to try to laugh and smile the whole day ( we'll see if that actually lasts- it's going to be 100 degrees).
but i am learning that there is always a way for me to get what i need. backtrackin today with frankie smith. c'mon - get on-
