it's allright

when i was very young, i was entwined with inappropriate sexual activity. quite a lot of it. i can't tell you what was first or even who it was, but i do know that i had become sexually active by the time i was in the 1st grade. i grew up in a single parent household.and learned early on that if i wanted to get affection from a male, it was expedited through sexual activity fairly seamlessly. sadly, i think that this also telegraphed the information that intercourse was affection and that lust was love.

as one can imagine, being a very young, a very closeted, and very naive sexual partner affords the partners the opportunity to take advantage and perhaps be a bit utilitarian or abusive as it were. i found myself on many occasions growing engaging in sexual activity with young men only to have them make fun of me and the process later. needless to say it was often obsessive, traumatic, and taboo. and it was how my world was sculpted.

it was no wonder i started to medicate at a young age also. all those intensely passionate feelings were difficult to manage for a 12 year old.. and i soon found that i didn't have to manage them, i could just blot them out. and i did. repeatedly.

when i started my journey down sobriety road, i was not really even aware that this novella i have just described was how i had lived my life. i had done such a good job of sailing denial that i hadn't even begun to put the dominoes back together. but as i did spend time being clean, working with a sponsor, working a program, and enlarging my spiritual life. i encountered a situation and a man that very much mirrored that of much of my childhood.

he had been in a position of helper to me on my early journey to recovery. i remember the decisions to be honest with him and the disappointment in realizing he wasn't able to quite do the same. but he was smart and he was funny and he had won my confidence so i continued to have faith in him and the person he represented to me.

in the midst of his desire to make a name for himself and to carve a niche in the local scene, he enlisted me in a project a year or so after we had parted. as i accepted his invitation, he prepared to move on without me. i had changed my path and had almost immediately felt discarded, but kept moving forward as i had learned to do at such a young age. this was my total experience with the hearts and affections of men. so it didn't seem extraordinary at all.

another year passed and once again he contacted me out of the blue with the promise of another project and another adventure. i had somehow found comfort and some success with the last segment and felt confident this would follow a like path. my proverbial universe had once again opened a door and as i walked through with little fear because that is my nature.

more success followed for me in the short term. i travelled some, created an outreach entity, captained a floundering social network, resurrected a periodical, and learned much about an enclave that had been a mystery only a year or two prior. and i gained some confidence as i walked many tweakers through their follies toward some truth. but this time the adventure created some frustration and envy in my mentor. he had slowly become the wizard whose curtain had been pulled back and i had seen this and had refused to pretend i hadn't.

he lashed out at me, through my reputation and my vulnerability. i believe his intention was to make himself the great wizard of oz again, turning to him for solace and comfort. alas, that was not my path. instead i realized that something stinky was afoot and decoded a clue within this effort that pointed directly to him.

ptsd ensued. i had certainly been in this position before. many times. i had trusted this guy. and i had opened up to him and had looked to him for mentorship. and he had obliged always with the knowledge that his particular excalibur was more important that any of the knights and fools he encountered along the way. i became an incinerator with heat and horror roasting me from the inside out. i simmered and stewed for months until he cut me loose. but the day he created his little drama for me, i vollied with my perception of his play, and he didn't speak to me again even to cut me loose. he sent a messenger and a big gift. and he didn't speak to me until over a year later.

my anger was so stifling and toxic, i had no choice but to seek therapy. i needed to talk about the victim i was used to being and process how to move through this anger ( without getting high). i had never done this before. i was 46 years old and i had the emotional maturity of 16 year old. therapy changed my life. not only was i able to realize that my perceptions through all this peuky drama were pretty spot-on. i could trust my feelings and my intuitions. i learned that my anger was about much more than just the travelling salesman posing as a wizard that had occupied my life these last few years. i was angry about all those manipulating bastards who played with me like Giuseppe played with pinocchio. i had been angry for most of my life. but i had never felt entitled to honor it. because, all those years, i had felt like a freak, inadequate and not-at-all normal. this realization, that i had carried around this bullshit through all my years, just like a scarlet letter, was a pivotal action that has changed the course of my heart.

i have been actively working on letting go and moving past all these feelings i describe here. they were embedded in my core and i consistently return to those feelings when life shifts. but the difference, (and it's a huge difference) is that i don't linger in those feelings any more. i have learned that i can feel other things about myself. i can be happy even if i have made an ass of myself, or said something incredibly inept. i hope you get the picture.

this is probably long and rambling, but i had to get this out. i have recently encountered, through the degrees of separation, an invitation to go off to see the wizard once more. i have been gobsmacked 'cuz i don't have the anger i once had around this. i am impartial to say the least. and i have gratitude, real gratitude, that i can the platform to release even more of the toxic waste of my own self-judgement. and had i not travelled the road to meet the wizard, i would never have discovered the ancient internal fire, never have extinguished that fire, and found my way back to the allright.

i wish for peace....

morning glory

tonight i am home enjoying the remnants of some pasta w/sausage and goat cheese and thinking about my day. i am feeling a stirring to post and so i am in front of the keyboard and tap-tap-tapping away. i have a smile on my face tonight because i noticed a light go on behind an addicts eyes tonight. i am not sure when it happened exactly or what triggered it, but i am very definitely sure it is on. this makes my heart smile from the inside and the outside. this is why i do the work i do.

this morning:

working with addicts, just as so many other vocations, can seem frustrating, sometimes hopeless, and has its own distinct set of challenges. it certainly takes many people what seems an extreme amount of time to even understand what kind of change is involved in the ceasing or slowing down of drug use. and then if they do stop using, rarely is much changed in their hearts, minds, and lives unless they do some other work, because the circumstances that led them to overindulging are usually still there.

and it takes awhile for that to be processed and understood. it takes patience and determination to make it through these periods. it also takes desire and some willingness usually in the form of motivation. my experience is showing me that the motivation can start on the outside, such as the intervention from the law, etc, but that it must eventually move to internal motivation if it is to actually "stick".

so, i am back to the initial reason for my post today. i have had the sincere pleasure to witness a change begin in someone i am working with. it reminds me of watching a colt or a calf walking for the first time, or watching a morning glory open just past the break of day. it's spectacular. it's phenomenal. it's a signal that there is new life. and it's definitely a reminder to me that i am not in charge and that life still holds surprises.

it also signals to me this: whatever the reason i have landed in this position at this time, it is where i should be. i am humbled by the grace this offers me and more determined to stay open to my own process.

if you are reading this, and you are thinking about change in your life, let me take the opportunity to share this thought: change is possible, change is probable, and change is even inevitable. when we change our actions, and keep our hearts and minds open, they will follow, and our situations and our lives are not far behind. find someone who has experience with positive change in their lives, just as you want for yours, and ask them to help guide you. it is something you will never regret.

i also went outside this morning (4am) and got a great view of the lunar eclipse. i wonder what spiritual significance that holds.

rocky mountain roundup

it is almost the time for my imagination and recovery to soar to a new height. it is almost the time for the roundup is very near- just 2 weeks away. i am getting excited and i want to get outta town for a coupla days, too. the roundup is a celebration of recovery and the 12 step process which has brought some amazing relief and blessings to my life. there are some things i find fascinating about the whole concept.

firstly, ours is a glbt roundup, which really warms my heart inside. addiction and substance abuse are fairly commonplace in our community, so it is challenging to stay connected with community when one leaves substance use and the other behind without slipping right back into old behaviors. drugs and alcohol are so ingrained in our culture that even our pride events (our own holy days as it were) are sponsored by alcohol distributors. so the opportunity to engage in community and retain recovery is like an oasis in the sahara.

secondly, it is amazingly heartwarming to see so many people who have left the darkness and isolation of addiction behind, and have ventured out into the daylight and managed to relight their fires. so many stories, and so very many storytellers. i think we have about 110 persons registered as of today. i assume that will grow. and i am hoping that this becomes a holiday for me. the roundup, i mean. a time to reflect and to look ahead. and a time to smile quietly and also jump up and down.

part of the beauty of this organization has been the fundraisers throughout the year that are held to raise money for the roundup. we have had dances, dinners, no-talent shows, and picnics. these have enhanced and nurtured the individual fellowships as we have gone along. and the roundup's attendance at fundraisers alone has grown by about 25 or 50 percent this last year. people do really want to be around other people in a safe and sober environment.

i have been blessed to sit on the board of this organization for a year now. i am from a different fellowship than many of the other board members and i have a different take on things. and my counterparts have been nothing but kind, open minded, and loving, and i think that the differing vantage points has added flavor to the whole mix. part of my agenda (yes virginia, there is an agenda) is to give recovery some much needed positive visibility in my community. i don't think there is anything shameful or distasteful about recovery. (now, denial is another thing entirely) lol.

we are looking for new board members and new committee members for the next year (and beyond that). this is the most fun way i have come up with to do service work. (after all, i am still planning parties) and i believe service work is the foundation for my recovery program. hope to see you in winter park august 3-5. if you need to share a room, there will be that opportunity. check the website for details and for specifics on the weekend program. the speakers are usually a highlight. it's always amazing to know that people are sober for over 15 and 20 years. i say come out to the roundup... give it a shot(no pun intended).... maybe you'll get a fire lit under your program and your perspective of recovery just might grow. recovery is worth celebrating!


now this song is definitely a retread... and it makes me giggle and smile inside....and chris m- i hope this makes you smile and giggle, too. doesn't the lulu addition make it sweeter? walk on through the night....there's a new day on the other side....

dance hall days

i am including a shot of christian for his hairstyle only. no other inferences are intended. the hair is a beautiful example of 80's hair to me. a little highlight, a little product, and accessorized with maybe a dangle earring. (although, we didn't call it product then, we called it gel)

there is an excerpt here from life or meth which has stuck with me since the first time i read it. following that, i am attaching to one of the big dance hits from medusa's circa 1983 because i think it's completely apropos. this was definitely a cult hit because it is a very universal tale. i get goose pimples every time i hear it. and i remember how it filled the floor with boys who were shaking loose their secret sadness.


this passage defines precisely the message i hope to begin to leave as a gift for the gay men to follow me. come out- be who you are- but before you start the party and celebrate your sexuality and freedom, take the time to heal the wounds and scars you bring from all those years of deception, lies, and character assassinations. shine a light on them. don't hide them. this will hopefully help you lead a healthier and happier life.

Yyou have a lot of young gay men coming into the city; they were the nerds in high school, the wallflower, the ugly kid. They feel the city is the place to be sexy, to be a star, and they get a false burst of confidence with a drug like this."
~ John Cameron Mitchell [Director]

March 2003. John is 21, and arrives in New York anticipating that a climate of tolerance and acceptance awaits. He is typical of gay men the world over who have long flocked to the metropolitan cities to be less visible and to congregate with others like themselves. However, we arrive and establish our own gyms, clubs, shops and cafes - ghettos - and bring with us all of the emotional scarring, guilt and shame that we attached to our homosexuality in our formative years

John's first experience of New York's commercial gay scene, therefore, far from being inviting, is mostly unfriendly, indifferent and intimidating because almost everyone, it seems, is projecting their internalised homophobia and insecurities at everyone else. Gay-identified men who grow up in loving, accepting environments often find it difficult identifying and mixing with complex, baggage-heavy men, tending either to avoid socialising where gay men converge or lead fulfilled lives away from the psychological assault course posed by the scene.

In such environments, fear reveals itself in over-inflated egos and attitude; the degree to which individuals reinforce their delusions about what they think they are. Some people are so lost in their fantasy world of denial and illusion that they have difficulty discerning even the most basic truths, or to accept the glaringly obvious even when it is staring them square in the face.

"The power of both illusion and delusion should never be underestimated. The compulsion to believe in something we need and want to be true, rather than see reality for what it is, can at times be astounding."
~ Gary Younge [The Guardian]

Despite its immense ugliness to grounded, balanced people who have their egos in check, attitude is merely a person's automatic defence mechanism to the inner pain, guilt and turmoil that arises from the loss of a connection to the heart centre and separation from love.

"If one drops denial, one will see that falsehood, manipulation and distortion of truth cater prevalently to man's lowest propensities and pervade all society."
~ David R. Hawkins [The Eye of the I]