"What other people think of me is none of my business."
How much of my time have I spent worrying about what other people think of me? Too much is the short answer. Before recovery in Al-Anon, I had no boundaries, no sense of self, and how I felt about myself and my life was largely determined by whether or not you approved. With no internal awareness, other people's likes and dislikes, moods and opinions were the compass I used to direct my emotional life. It was exhausting.
'Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.' One of the most precious gifts I have been given in Al-Anon is the freedom and encouragement to discover and validate my feelings. And this process began when I was taught to take the focus off of others and to look within for my own truth. At first this was an unfamiliar and uncomfortable process, but it was the only path to the security, confidence and peace I have always craved.
Today I know that my feelings are valid, and I've come to trust and rely on them. I know that other people have their own thoughts and opinions and know they are valid for them as well. But today there is a boundary between the two, and my sense of self is no longer linked to other people's approval. Today I enjoy the freedom and empowerment that comes from having and respecting myself.
i am audaciously using today's post to give a big nod to feist. man, she really makes me tap my feet, hum along, and smile from inside. this particular vid and song are a couple of years old, but i love it none-the-less. it is still a treat for me to hear and so i share her music with you, and hope that it may be brings as big a grin to your face as it does for me.
i worked a 70-year olds (3 70's actually) birthday party yesterday which was located outdoors at a public park in south denver. i got a really good taste of what my planned outdoor 50th will look like later this summer. it was fun, people ate, the younger ones were active, while the older ones ate and drank as much as they could. casual laughter and mutual respect really did seem to rule the day.
i ran into my former chorale director with her partner there. we actually spent some quality time catching up and she clued me in to an old friend who hasn't had interest in me since i was tweaking. it is really good to know he's thriving. knowing that he's gotten along without me and will continue to do so is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is one that i cannot deny. bottom line is: i am glad he's okay. and it ain't all about me.
i have been wondering about how to wear my hiv at this point in my life. i mean i wore it for so long as a scar of some sort or something to hide or a burden even. but time has changed me, and my perspective about my hiv has changed with it. i am now 22 years poz and it really is a part of me. it's not a sideline, it's not separate, but it's integral to who i am.
i guess my question is more about how i carry it. you know, part of me considers it a blessing. i have afforded the opportunity to cross through a ring of fire- or death. i had to deal with that inevitability long before many of the world citizens my age. please understand i know that many deal with this same issue much younger than i as well.
as i approach 50 years on the planet, i find myself becoming a bit more philosophical i guess. i didn't know how to meander as a young gay man growing into my own. so i did what others around me did. and that included many of their pitfalls and many of their misperceptions. and now i am hoping to leave the beginnings of a blueprint for gay men to come so that not every single one must make all the same mistakes. i hope that they might find it easier to get on track if they wander off course if some sort of guideline exists.
it has been said that gay culture is a patchwork of tribes. that there is not one but many definitive ruling tribes. i would agree. we are factioned and splintered. we are special interests. and i also believe hiv poz gay men could easily comprise one of the larger gay men's tribes on the planet. and we, as gay poz men, have an opportunity to create a legacy of wellness and survival that hasn't been written or passed down yet. we already have scaled the walls of self doubt and care. we know what it's like to be in fear of our health, of aging, of isolation, of discrimination. we have had to come through this. many of us have dealt with addiction issues and had to survive and thrive through them.
maybe now we can begin to not only be one of the larger tribes in our gay nation, but act accordingly.
as you have probably noticed, i have a thing for pop music. i love music, i love dance music, i love lyrics, i love music that makes me think and feel. so i have begun a series of posts entitled "dance hall days". this allows me to highlight some of my favorite dance floor anthems from over the years and also to remember what my life was like in those times. i believe that being gay is essentially being part of a tribe. a good portion of my tribe's history has taken and still does take place on a dance floor, especially our rituals. stonewall was a dancehall too, i believe. coming out, celebrations, courtship, mating, group conscience all take place in tribal fashion in dance halls, clubs, and parties around the world. i'm only a warrior who loves his tribe. who understands and is following his spiritual path and trying to follow his heart.
i remember so often that there seemed nothing more important than to be in the right corner of the dance floor, with the right group of friends, with the right mix of pharma, and the right song playing as our backdrop. that was a pinnacle for the weekend, for the month, or for the hour. it was festival, it was celebrant, it was ritual, and it was tribal.
this is a tune by faithless: the lyrics speak to me because i have used clubs as churches. i have worshipped and mourned there. i have grown there, i have gone there to be seen, and i have hidden out there.
my life has certainly changed, but i think the younger warriors are still participating with this ritual de la habitual(LOL). i am certain i will continue to love and look back with fondness on my dance hall days.
FAITHLESS LYRICS
"God Is A DJ"
This is my church This is where I heal my hurt It's a natural grace Of watching young life shape It's in minor keys Solutions and remedies Enemies becoming friends When bitterness ends This is my church [3x]
This is my church This is where I heal my hurt It's in the world I become Content in the hum Between voice and drum It's in change The poetic justice of cause and effect Respect, love, compassion This is my church This is where I heal my hurt For tonight God is a DJ This is my church
The word queer has traditionally meant "strange" or "unusual," but its use in reference to LGBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, asexual, etc.) communities as well as those perceived to be members of those communities has replaced the traditional definition and application. Its usage is considered controversial and underwent substantial changes over the course of the 20th century with some LGBT re-claiming the term as a means of self-empowerment. The term is still considered by some to be offensive and derisive, and by others as a re-appropriated term used to describe a sexual orientation and/or gender identity or gender expression that does not conform to heteronormative society.
i was remembering queer nation for some reason the other day. i guess i was speaking to someone about the word queer. i absolutely loved the queer nation manifesto. i loved the idea of reclaiming the power of that word. it had been used against me many times when i was very young and it held its mystical krypton-like powers for years beyond that. i reveled in being radical about my chosen culture. i say chosen because i did choose to participate in queer culture voluntarily. it's not as if i had a choice really, but i knew i couldn't pretend to belong anywhere else. besides, my feeling was that the queers really had some insight with regard to how to live a fantastically bohemian lifestyle. that is what held interest for me when i came out. actually it still does.
anyway, i remember marching in a gay pride parade in 1990 chanting we're here. we're queer. and we're not going shopping. all this with the help of a megaphone. that's when the guerrilla queer bar concepts got started too. and the kiss ins. oh the gay ol' nineties did hold some promise.
i also found this article which describes a "queer nation" protest during halloween in the castro. i think it describes succinctly the power of this short movement. a moving quote is:
While we were chanting and singing a very attractive woman, I thought, called me by name. I was surprised as I didn't know this person at all. Actually it was a guy I knew from QN in the most amazing drag I'd ever seen. I'd only ever seen bad drag, but he was really good at it. It changed my mind about drag right on the spot. It was an instant consciousness raising. I no longer thought that drag queens were sad and pathetic (which is what many people thing whether they're willing to say it or not.) Here was this beautiful man as a beautiful woman, in my state it probably had even more of an effect than it would have normally.
some of the original street flyers handed out to queers read like this: leaflets from 1990.
Just as importantly, "queer" became an important concept both socially and intellectually, helping to broaden what had been primarily a gay and lesbian social movement into one that was more inclusive of bisexual and transgender people. Rather than denote a particular genre of sexual identity, "queer" came to represent any number of positions arrayed in opposition to oppressive social and cultural norms and policies related to sexuality and gender. The lived political necessity of understanding the nexus of gender and sexuality in this broadening social movement in turn helped launch the field of "queer studies" in higher education.
Use of the term "queer" was never universally embraced by all segments of the constituencies that the concept of "queerness" could potentially represent; indeed, the term often evoked intense hostility. Queer Nation chapters were rife with dissension over issues of race, gender, and class, and they ultimately collapsed under the weight of their own internal contradictions--"queer," after all, means "diversity," whereas "nation" implies "sameness."
Still, in spite of its shortcomings, the shift in perceptions and tactics marked by the emergence of Queer Nation is an important foundation of the current notion of an inclusive gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community.
colorado is a large beautiful national park that extends along the rocky mountains. the metro areas such as denver/boulder and colorado springs offer a wide variety of social options for gay men in the state. however, those options are not sufficient for all gay men in the state all of the time. there are gay men who live in rural areas for a wide variety of reasons, including the pace of city life. some men certainly prefer a not-so-hurried lifestyle and a less frenzied pace of friendship and social interaction. that is probably one reason they live in a quieter quadrant in the first place.
there is a gay men's hiv positive community that is for rural men of colorado. they meet a few times a year for overnight gatherings and share their lives, their spirits, and their information about health and wellness. they have been around for about 5 years and are growing and teaching gay men in the cities a thing or two about community. they are manreach colorado.
this organization may or may not be a direct result of some of the work of eric rofes. one of the initial gay men's health summits was held in boulder several years ago before eric's passing. that work still continues as the onset of gmhs events worldwide expands and includes more and more gay men.
manreach uses a phrase that i find compelling which is heart-centered. i think this is far more attainable when i am not drinking or drugging. this would not reflect the first portion of my life, but is much more fitting in recovery. i don't think, though, that most of these men are in recovery. i think they are perhaps working on being centered as part of their personal journeys and fuels both their desires to connect with other gay men and their hunger for reliable nad practical health and wellness information. this is how we might grow as a culture. finding a heart-centered place is much more likely with this tactic if you ask me.
i have been following the prometa stories with keen interest. it's such a great promise- medication that will quell the desire to re-use meth and cut back on cravings. a person takes it long enough to get through their first months of staying away from crystal and they are able to withstand the urges and come out on the other side clean.
if you read the literature and the studies that are put out by the developers, you get a sense that finally this meth thing might have an end in sight. the numbers are amazing and the legislation all looks good for a new entry in the fight against meth.
i have been following a series of posts at lifelube, though and have come to believe not much of what i was hearing from the drug manufacturer. the politics that are littered throughout the undergarments of this story are all too familiar. please read matt simonette's coverage of a public inquiry.
as is usually the case, there are some financial irregularities mixed well in the story too:
[See past posts on Prometa. LifeLube is concerned about this company- Hythiam - pushing a very expensive treatment protocol for alcohol and crystal meth addiction - with no scientific proof other than small, open-label studies. Read this item from The News Tribune today in Tacoma, WA and you can see why there is cause for for this concern across the country...]
it is advisable to beware of quick fixes, of potions and pills, as they might have an effect, but doubtfully hold the promise of a cure. what ails our tribe is more likely a spiritual malady that can be overcome with forgiveness, love, and understanding. oh and hard work. i mean, a person just might not be able to stop a vile nasty habit by just taking a pill and talking to an expensive psychiatrist. they might benefit more from talking with someone else who has taken the same journey and learning how to develop new habits, new beliefs, and new dreams and giving of themselves to their community without an expectation of reward or receipt. how is this too high a price to pay for mental and physical well being and peace of mind???
when the rain washes you clean, you will know....
Written by stevie nicks.
Now here you go again You say you want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down Its only right that you should Play the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost... And what you had... And what you lost
Thunder only happens when its raining Players only love you when theyre playing Say... women... they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean... youll know
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself Its only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams and... Have you any dreams youd like to sell? Dreams of loneliness... Like a heartbeat... drives you mad... In the stillness of remembering what you had... And what you lost... And what you had... And what you lost
Thunder only happens when its raining Players only love you when theyre playing Say... women... they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean... youll know
the music is folksy and i find it easy to listen to. he is from philadelphia, i believe. anyway, i hadn't heard of him till today. give him a listen(if you haven't already) and see what you think. i might even think he's kinda hot :]
Amos Lee - Shout Out Loud
A thousand empty window And only half the lights are out I wonder what these people's lives What they might be all about
Do they got a lover And could they have a family Could it be their just as lonesome As you and me
I wanna shout out Shout out loud Why don't you all Just come on out And we can Tear it all down, yeah
White lights burning Down an empty avenue I wonder if their driver Found someone he can go on home to
I wanna shout out Shout out loud Why don't you all Just come on out And we can Tear it all down, yeah
Cause everybody's got a part in the game And everybody's got a cross they can claim And everybody's got somebody to blame But we all must find our own way, yeah yeah
I wanna shout out Shout out loud I wanna shout out Shout out loud I wanns shout out Shout out loud
Shout out loud, yeah, yeah Shout out loud, yeah, yeah
sometimes i fantasize about being rescued from my troubles and woes. it would be great if some caped cassanova were to swoop in and and save my day. but it ain't likely and it ain't happenin'. i have to carry myself from harm and save me from my own biggest danger. me.
i know this is a recovery oriented blog and i know that bad behaviors are usually things that get a person to the place that they need recovery, but i cannot help myself in finding this calendar a delicious no-no. some of the images just take pot shots at stereotypes. do you know someone who might like this for the holiday? and moreover, do you really think there is a hero inside each of us? have you met your inner superhero?
just getting back to town has been a bit of a challenge for me. there were so many things that have transpired both inside and outside me that i can hardly believe i was only gone 4 days. yesterday, i went back to work with a renewed vigor and a feeling of strength that i didn't have prior to going away. or at least i don't remember.
the amount of people that i am interacting with has doubled both at work and in my personal life since last year. this has quite an effect on me at the end of every week. so much more to process internally. so much more to think about. so many more decisions both to make and to ponder.
SIN is becoming slightly busier and is going to be part of a community event that is planned for january. i would assume that it will continue to get busier, too. that is great 'cuz there just isn't enough visibility or enough non-bar activities for some gay poz guys to do here. and i need to be around poz people to keep me grounded. sometimes i think that having jumped through that ring of fire(fear) has made us heartier and wiser in some ways. and i need that wisdom around to quell my other fears.
there is a project for mhmp that i want to get started as well. this is a social marketing campaign for younger gay men(under 30) around meth use and recovery. it's a bit overwhelming for me to get it together on my own, so i am trying to include the help of some of the lgbt student unions from the universities as well as the lgbt center and realize that is another thing to manage.
i guess this seems as if i am feeling a bit overwhelmed, and perhaps i am. it is not a negative feeling though. i am honestly happy to have so many irons in the fire. i am sure that this is a great departure from spending days in the bathhouse feeling without worth and hooking up relentlessly with strangers. i don't want to go back to that mindset. i also would not like to go back to living in fear and resentment around hiv. i am happy to see those days gone.
i received the sweetest email from wayward son about my blog, my process, and its effect on his process. i was a little blown away by his kind words. it is a gentle reminder that my life can have a real effect on others' lives without my really knowing it, and that is authentic validation for my process. this is by far much longer lasting than the validation i used to seek through my sex life. and i want to take another moment to thank him for extending himself to me. it is a beautiful thing. it's these authentic exchanges that fuel my ability to keep moving.
Well there's a bridge and there's a river that I still must cross As I'm going on my journey Oh, I might be lost
And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go Well no-one told me just how to get there But when I get there I'll know Cuz I'm taking it
Chorus: Step By Step, Bit by Bit, Stone By Stone (Yeah), Brick by Brick (Oh, yeah) Step By Step, Day By Day, Mile by mile (ooh, ooh, ooh)
And this old road is rough and ruined So many dangers along the way So many burdens might fall upon me So many troubles that I have to face
Oh, but I won't let my spirit fail me Oh, I won't let my spirit go Until I get to my destination I'm gonna take it slowly cuz I'm making it mine
Chorus: Step By Step (you know I'm taking it), bit by bit (bit by bit, come move), stone by stone (yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick mmm...) Step by step (step by step uh-huh), day by day (day by day-ee), mile by mile (ooh), go your own way.
Say it, baby, don't give up You got to hold on to what you got, Oh, baby, don't give up, You got to keep on moving on don't stop (yeah yeah). I know you're hurting, and i know you're blue, i know you're hurting but don't let the bad things get to you.
Chorus: I'm taking it step by step (ohohoh), bit by bit (bit by bit come move), stone by stone (stone by stone yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick), Step by step (i'm gonna take it now),day by day (day by day-ee), mile by mile (ooh), go your own way!
(c'mon baby got to keep moving), i'm taking it step by step), bit by bit, stone by stone (yeah, stone by stone), brick by brick c'mon baby, step by step keep on moving, day by day (day by day-ee), mile by mile by mile by mile,go your own way, c'mon baby got to keep moving, bit by bit (bit by bit, bit by bit)....
everything zen , everything zen? ..I don’t think so. … there’s no sex in your violence … there’s no sex in your violence….i don’t believe it … elvis is dead… i don't believe it
travelling is always mind expanding at the very least. this trip to p-town has been no exception. i have really been invited into a whole new world. i never before realized so completely that my understanding and my way of looking at the world might be skewed, and thus might be able to be changed. this is an exciting revelation to me and gives me hope I didn’t even know I needed.
i heard someone at a workshop entitled “looking for love in all the wrong places” say that they spent so much of their time worrying about how to fit someone else’s needs that they had almost lost themselves. And that if someone wasn’t emotionally unavailable, then a courtship with that individual just wasn’t’ usually exciting enough. this is my story. this is how I have lived my life. if another person is actually interested in me, then most certainly my interest won’t be sustained. somehow, i have to struggle for affection or be in pain for me to feel comfortable. and at best, I’m really just numb.
omg I have another fucking illness. and I must submit to another program and another 12 step process. eeee gaaad. but, truth be told though, i am so thankful that there is hope for me. firstly, I didn’t realize until recently that I might ever be different than i am just now discovering i am. i thought that i might just broken and beyond repair always. that’s the way I’ve always been. who knows? maybe i am.
marc- this is the post you asked for:
after the meeting saturday night , everyone went to the crown and anchor to dance. it was a gay old time really. And so many people danced. i was drinking rockstars and I was hucklebuckin’ and havin’ a ball. and, as is the custom in ptown , before retiring to bed, we went to spiritus for pizza and guy watching. the atmosphere was light and it was fluff and it was entertaining. then out of nowhere this absolutely handsome mess of a guy slips among us and proceeds to hit on me. suddenly, i feel as if i am performing in a dance that i know by heart, i might as well be in the touring company. here i am on this wonderful spiritual weekend, eager to grow in ways i have not been able to do at home, and i get whacked on the back of the head by a spiritual 2x4 that’s disguised as a 5’10” blue-eyed irishman from p-town. Sadly, i saw it coming and all i had to do was duck. if only i could learn how to duck and then do it.
he presented as a wounded one. when he found out we were with a 12step gathering, he admitted that he thought he might have a problem with his drinking. the whole posse sprang to his aid with comfort and advice, and all the while he was making innuendo and giving me the look that a caged puppy in the pet shop window gives.
then the strangest thing occurred. a fight broke out in front of spiritus, just 5 feet away from us. it was rowdy and surreal, just as if two angry chow-chows had defended their territory. one was an older caucasian guy(who I must say was the smarmiest troublemaker i’ve seen in awhile) and the other was a young woman of color who was just as determined and backed up by several friends. one or two were happy to jump in the fray as she collected herself after being pulled off, but the old screecher just kept egging things on. cops were called, came, dragged him into the street, scratching and clawing and talking shit. he was then tazed, handcuffed, his pants fell down around his ankles and he was herded to the police car like a bellowing banshee turned bikini brief runway model . would this screaming metaphor for insanity make a difference in the direction of my behavior? the answer is already guessed.
the night continued and my roundup companions went on their own way and I was left in the company of the mysterious and beautiful stranger. i am now understanding that this particular type indeed is my drug of choice now distant and wounded. we chatted for awhile inside the pizza place, he asked questions, he dodged giving answers. and of course, i met each red flag he produced with a different magic trick to make it disappear, that i have perfected for just such occasions. when he asked me if i was negative, the absolute lack of subtlety in the dropping of his face when my answer was that i was positive (for 22 years- my badge of pain) still wasn’t enough to dissuade me from the intoxicating power of being desired by someone so cute and so broken. we took a walk and ended up on the beach where he intimately showed me the spot where his sailboat sank many years before. even with this elephant-in-the-room clue that this encounter was doomed, i remained focused on savior status. we talked about the stars, we looked for the greek formations in the sky, and we continued on our way to his house.
I asked him about what he wanted to be and he said a writer. i asked him to tell me one of his favorite stories and he told me about the amish man who drifted into ptown from pennsylvania on his way to nova scotia to do some line held bait fishing. he had been the caretaker at a nursery school and had been in the basement when someone had come into the school with a machine gun and killed all the kids. the guy had come up from the basement to that scene and had decided to leave his life and head for safer shores- nova scotia to try to rid his mind of those images.
he drifted into ptown and had wandered up to a kind stranger who was at the dickdock waiting for a turn when the odd man wandered by. the stranger had some difficulty assimilating in town, as he was dressed in traditional amish clothing. It seems that everyone in ptown thought the guy cuckoo. if they only knew he had just flown the cuckoo’s nest. he was just trying to get away from a life that no longer held any sanity for him. the amish whisper left by boat, having had to discard his ethnic clothing in order to obtain work onboard.
i asked my clouded and introspective companion what it was he liked about the story. he looked puzzled and said “it just needs to be told.” I hope I don’t have to state my obvious first thoughts.
the story left me feeling puzzled and oddly determined to continue the journey. and of course that’s what I did ‘cuz that’s what I always do. suffice it to say that I couldn’t fix him. i couldn’t change him. i couldn’t even get remotely close to him. this was assured as he confided in me that he had broken up with his partner of 15 years in august and was still reeling from the change.
so i headed back to my motel at 5am with the familiar heaviness of my quietly coveted lack of fulfillment. after cuddling naked and feeling quite alone beside him for a couple of hours, i harnessed my shame and savored the thoughts of “this is what always happens” under the moonlight. i realized what a powerful night this had been and how desperately i need to change something. three years of sobriety to get to this place of being able to see just what the fuck i'm doing. gratitude for that moment.
it was a full and interesting day for me in ptown. lots of activity and lots of lessons in humility and acceptance. it rained much of the day on and off, which i absolutely love sometimes. it causes me to look inward just because of the nature of drizzle.
i met the trash whisperer which was a great pleasure. he is an affirmation that i just might be okay, even though being sober has taken away my security blanket. friendly, smart, and goshdarned funny, i am glad to have moved this acquaintanceship into another level. and a bit relieved, too. i mean, the online-to-human encounters i had before getting clean were laughable most-times. and had pnp not been the prevailing agenda, they would never had lasted. and many times, they didn't last long anyway. that could just be the nature of these things, though.
Being reminded that the community of recovery is much more expansive than my circle of meetings and acquaintances back home is expansive. this is why roundups are compelling, i think. i feel that gay people have some wounds that they carry into adulthood and many of us medicate those wounds wth substances because it helps us feel better. but some of us lose ourselves in that process. overmedicating, i guess. so recovery for lgbt persons en masse sends a message of hope that is long overdue for my tribe. we can be healthy. we can be whole. we can have self-respect. we can be kind and loving to ourselves and each other because we deserve it.
i heard a message from a speaker with 20 years sobriety (10 of which is with al-anon). and it was a message that i needed to hear. " As a child I felt I could count on no one, and I was suspicious of asking others for help." working through this belief may be a message that changes my life.
day 1: i landed in boston last night just after midnight after the flight on united that really tested the validity of my spiritual program. i got stuck in a middle seat after my original assignment was kicked out because a ua agent exchanged my ticket accidentally in an exchange for someone else's change of itinerary. and then i was reprimanded loudly on board because the character in the window seat with a small bladder kept getting up to pee while the remain seated light was on. i found my self steaming like a crab boil for a short bit on the plane. and then i remembered that it might just be the universe's way of reminding me that it's not always about me. and that my needs don't always have to come first.
ptown is beginning to percolate with men in recovery. this process seems to have a vibration and an aura to me. (weird i'm sure). i have already been flirted with and i have run into one very handsome guy who hit on me at a cma workshop at the florida roundup.(quite circuit, no?) and i haven't even been here 12 hours yet.
we are staying at the bradford inn on bradford and it's quite pleasant. there is a guest house and a small motel with 12 rooms about 4 blocks from the beach. i have met the guys in at least half of the rooms already. friendly, friendly, friendly.
anyway, i guess i can't stay away from blogville too long. i got a really nice message from bearbrick and i wanted to respond. yes cape cod is provincial and sweet and welcoming. i think i will have a good weekend.
oh and marc, in case you read this, i will be at the 8p meeting 2nite..... i'll be the one with the red sweatshirt and the big heart.... you can't miss me.:P
i came across this vid and i just couldn't resist. labelle; patti labelle, nona hendrix, and sarah dash. my, my, this does take me back. platform shoes, permed hair, man's country, hangin out with an older boy who was in college. learing how to do the latin hustle. believing i had life in my hip pocket. i could go on and on, but that's probably what brought me into recovery anyway. going on and on.
i'm listening to an old nancy lamott album today called "broadway baby"(my favorite) and feeling some anticipation about going to cape cod. i've not been before and i am really looking forward to spending time in provincetown and participating in another roundup. i need to finish packing and find a book to read on the flights and if i have some down time. there are so many things i am anxious to read. i have just remembered that circuitmouse did a post about a book by alan weisman titled "the world without us". i had heard of it before, but since his post i have been thinking it might be a good choice.
i butlered at a wine tasting last evening. the owner of the house had the most amazing american western art collection i have seen. it certainly was more user-friendly than a similar collection at the denver art museum. that museum has some stunners, but this family had an amazing array of obscure and more well known painters and sculpture. they have two of the same remington casts in the foyer, one with wooly chaps and one with regular chaps. i have not seen that before. there were many muted southwestern hued paintings, but sometimes they were amazingly juxtaposed with deep and richly splashed oils of southwestern skies and sunsets. there was an amazing array of delano paintings, some which i've seen in books and some i've never heard of.
postings may be scarce for the next 5 days or so. i am taking my laptop to ptown, but i am staying in a guest house, which may not have internet access. it may be really healthy for me to have to live without the crux of the keyboard for a few days anyway.
if any of you are attending provincetown serenity, please leave a comment and we can perhaps try to meet. i am planning to do the fun run on sunday morning. i am eagerly anticipating meeting a fellow blogger there, and i am hoping to have some laughs and let my heart open a little bit more. some r&r. repair and reclamation. why i think i might even go dancing on saturday night.
seattle counseling has added a new dimension to their fight with the relationship between crystal, gay men, and hiv. see crystal neon. the newest defense is a peer-based effort launched to locally challenge the agreement field that exists (as it does in almost every other large city) that it is okay to use crystal and that it doesn't hurt anybody but its users and that it's somebody else's problem.
i applaud this effort. absolutely love it. there was a time when the gay rights movement and community had to create change for themselves if they wanted change. now, it seems so many expect someone else to do the work. but this seattle effort brings back the idea that we are the captains of our own destiny. i buy into this, hook, line, and sinker.
i love the "have you quit" section. gay men who have already stopped have so much to offer in this regard. just like hiv poz guys have so much to offer new positive men. i never see enough of that.
anyway here is seattle's newest addition to both their local and our national efforts to corral the meth-y business that is pummelling gay men across the globe. strength over speed
i have been reading other bloggers' posts with keen interest and with care. one has recently seen a marker of clean time and is looking around finally to see how far he has gotten while he has been fighting to stay clean and where he has landed. i got the impression that he is feeling a bit concerned with how much farther he feel he has to go, and does not notice at all just how marvelously far he has travelled. and maybe he doesn't see just how graceful he has made this journey seem.
another just celebrated his 49th birthday, and i know for me that held some melancholy because of the sheer number. i ain't the spring chicken i once was. but he is a beacon to others and to me and his words honestly help keep me sane. and his kindness and his prose help keep me going forward.
part of what i hope to do with this blog is to encourage other men on this challenging road back to sanity. there is no real easy way to do it without surrender that i have come up with. it goes against how we are raised in american society, but it really is my truth. i have discovered, much to my dismay, that i cannot do everything i want to do when i want. i do not know everything. frankly i can't do very much and i don't know very much. but when i learned to trust that i can thrive not just survive and that the world would make room for me, and that i could be happy, if i let go of specifically how happy should look (i think this is the most challenging), i have begun to heal, to prosper, and know peace.
i am learning to tell myself: i'll be here with you- and mean it..
i have long been an angie stone fan. back in tha day, she emceed with a rap group called "the sequence", which was part of the Sugarhill Records label. they had a hit around 79 or 80 titled "funk you up" which my circle of friends used to love. she rhymed her name as "angie b the one the eyes" at that time. damn, i treasured that sound. and i hold a soft spot for old school rap to this day.
anyway, i hadn't heard this acoustic version of another song by angie until today. i really like it. and i really love the pacific northwest vibe that is workin in the vid. funny thing is, the short time i was dancing with tina "on the circuit" so to speak, i would sing along with the more popular version of this song on the dancefloor. but i think i was singing to crystal then. i was already a little off balance and there was little hope of reeling it back in. i say "thank heaven i don't have to feel this way today!" until i saw the lyrics written out, i never knew that after the phrase "isnt' it ironic" comes the phrase "all you wanna do is smoke chronic". no wonder i liked the song.
Wish I Didn't Miss You
Same old story is back again She's not a lover, she's just a friend I'm sick and tired for you to blame on me Now you think it's funny Now you wanna spend your money on girls But you forgot when you were down That I was around
Call my lover, hang up, call again What in the world is happening Listen in, but don't yell at me Isn't it ironic all you wanna do is smoke chronic Boy, you forgot when you were down Who was around
I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore Waiting for love to walk through the door I wish I didn't miss you anymore
Memories don't live like people do I'm sick for ever believing you Wish you'd bring back the man I knew Was good to me, oh Lord Everytime you say you're coming Boy, you disappoint me, honey How well you forgot when you were down And I was around
I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore Waiting for love to walk through the door I wish I didn't miss you anymore
I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore Waiting for love to walk through the door I wish I didn't miss you anymore
One of these days, it's gonna happen to you Missing a love like I'm missing you, babe yeah yeah One of these days, when your dreams come true That's the one that's gonna do it to you Oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore Waiting for love to walk through the door I wish I didn't miss you anymore
I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore Waiting for love to walk through the door I wish I didn't miss you anymore
i am happy to be a part of this particular organization. i am in the place in my life to be celebrating my life in a way that wasn't possible before. i also am of the mind that poz men need to stick together and organize so that as we age, we can do it with other gay men's eyes and hearts. i don't want to get older and have to go back into the closet. i broken too many rules for that.
somehow, i have been graced to become the online moderator for the Colorado chapter. we had a meeting today and have some fun things coming up. we would love you to join the fun, meet new people, and learn a little about thriving.
perhaps there is a chapter in your city. support them if you can. there are still men testing positive and the community support for them is not the same as it was back in the 80's and 90's.
photographs are taken by joachim baldauf and published in der subjektive mann a study of the male form available at www.printkultur.de
i just got off the phone with my sponsor. i love talking with him. he is so supportive of my efforts and always has such perceptive things to add to some of my quandaries and challenges. we discussed my decision to pour beer at a fundraiser. the part he focused on was not my concerns about the possible ramifications, but more on the fact that i prayed on the question before i made a decision. and honestly, this is a practice i have taken on since i have been taken under his wing on my journey back to life.
we also discussed the upcoming cape cod trip and he asked me again about my sexual and relationship ideal. this is a part of step four that most times seems to get overlooked. he stressed that this is an imperative if a guy is to have some direction when he is in the field. if i don't know what i'm looking for in some specific framework, i am likely to get sidetracked and perhaps even jump the tracks i'm travelling on.
this may all seem a bit dramatic and over-the-top. maybe it is. i don't buy that though. i think it must be sound thinking. i have attempted to use the pheromone technique of mate selection for a long time. i haven't really had very fruitful (or even thoughtful) results. i would like to see change happen in this area of my life. truth be told, i have not actually sat down and drawn out a description of my ideal. i did try, but i couldn't do it. i have balked at the exercise because i have trouble thinking i deserve happiness. i have honest deep seated feelings of inadequacy and lesser value. this is not dramatic. this is a square-in-the-face look at my own situation.
so i know that trusting my instinct doesn't work for me around this part of my life. i know that my first feelings are not a healthy resting place for my self reflection. but they have resided there for so long like refugees in the mountains. it might be time to flush them out. i need change in my life. i need to make this journey personally, so i can understand the challenge for others. i need to believe in myself. and i hope to carry this message with me. i now know firsthand that these difficult and heartbreaking and life altering quests that we endure and survive, can actually transform our thinking and our hearts into gentle giants with comparison to our former selves. i believe this is a journey worth taking. i trust it is an adventure. i hope it leads to transformation.
in the spirit of page 69 (gotta love it!) i lifted this from misery is optional
Sexual Conduct
The Big Book tells us on page 69 that we all have sex problems and that we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Nevertheless, some people may wonder why it is necessary to examine our sex conduct in order to get over alcoholism. First reason is that many of us have feelings of guilt and shame connected with past conduct and with thoughts that run through our heads in connection with sex. Guilt and shame are resentments against ourselves and so we must write these down as we do other resentments as part of our step 4. We are told on page 75 that we must illuminate every dark cranny of the past and reveal each one to a trusted person in order to get over our drinking. We are also given the good news: that as result of this process we can finally look the world in the eye.
However, we must go further still. Even if we initially feel no guilt or shame, we must look for those occasions when, as the Big Book says, "we had been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate; hurtful -- and where we had aroused jealousy, bitterness and suspicion." We had to be thorough here too. In fact we are told that we must subject each relation (that is, each sexual act) to this test. We had to be as fearless and thorough about this part of our moral inventory as any other. We start looking at past behaviour in a new light. Did we use someone for sex? If so, it is selfish. The fact that the other person willingly goes along with the arrangement does not necessarily alter the fact that it is selfish. It might be a case of two people cynically using each other. Even if we couldn't say that our conduct was selfish, we had to ask ourselves was it even inconsiderate? Here's another situation: in heterosexual sex whatever precautions are taken, there is always some chance of the creation of human life. We had to be considerate, in line with what the Big Book tells us, and consider whether or not we would behave lovingly or selfishly towards that newly created human life?
Later on, as part of Step 5, we give an account of our secret thoughts to our sponsors. Many revealed things to our sponsors that we had never told anyone before. (This is applicable also to all our darkest thoughts, not just those of a sexual nature). To be told that nobody can help the thoughts that pop into their heads and to discover that we were not the only ones who think like this is a great relief. In fact despite all that we had revealed, many of us were told that we were just "pretty average alcoholics".
It is through this process that we have started to look at our past sex conduct in a new light, and we can start to form an idea of what will be the best approach in our future sex conduct - the book calls this a sane and sound ideal. We must be prepared to try to work towards this ideal in the future. We can rest easy that however many times we fall short, as long as we continue to try, we will not drink. However, if we are not prepared at least to try to change, and our sex conduct continues to harm others, we are told categorically that we are quite sure to drink. This warning tells us why this part of our inventory is so important.
We are told that counsel with persons is often desirable here and we found our sponsors invaluable in directing us to these questions in accordance with what the Big Book says and helping us to analyse each situation properly. We were inclined to hide bad motive behind good in this area more than any other and an objective viewpoint from our sponsors helped us to cut through that. In the final analysis though, each individual must answer these questions honestly for themselves. We sometimes we hear that no one can judge our sex situation, but in fact this is not quite true and we are not left completely to ourselves. The Big Book tells us that there is a judge: God. As the book says: God alone can judge our sex situation.
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind There was something so pleasant about that place. Even your emotions have an echo In so much space
And when you're out there Without care, Yeah, I was out of touch But it wasn't because I didn't know enough I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Probably
Gnarls Barkley
i wonder how much time put of my day i spend not based in reality. i mean, i know that i fantasize a bit about this guy or that guy every day. there's a middle eastern hottie in my building that melts my butter every day as i walk by his desk. i know that i fantasize about this thing or that thing(like developing a career in public speaking and having the money to redo my kitchen and bath). and i know i touch my tummy many times during the day with the intention of rubbing it down to nothing. i also know that i spend a small amount of time checking my phone and my email to see if i have received any updates.
all this is exhausting and this isn't even my day. this is just my fantasizing and my worrying and thinking about things that aren't even there. i guess i'm crazy. i wonder if there is anyone actually looking for a lunatic. i know there are people who end up with them, but i wonder if there are any worthwhile men who are actually looking for a nutball. so i am putting it out into the universe that i am open to a new phase in my life. this might come in the form of a relationship and could easily be at once crazy and wholesome, kinetic and calming, yin and yang, sweet and salty. you know, it's definitely crazy, because i go out to nowhere that i might actually meet someone else, other than thru my work. well, that's not completely true. but i like to fantasize that i'm a hermit and a shut-in. both of those are such a great mechanism for drama. crazy, certifiable.
oh, and i'd love for that to be delivered to my home address please.
