i have been working with more and more clients who are on probation. probationers are intrinsically different than clients who are voluntarily seeking sobriety. the concept of probation is certainly in need of a 21st century refurbishment, but until that happens the one that is in place is the standard. people get put on probation to facilitate them getting out of custody, but still retaining some constraints and restrictions on their behavior for a non-specific period of time. it's a release from custody with strings.
strangely enough, many of the people i work with who are on probation somehow are challenged to reel in their behaviors to ensure they stay out of jail. this nasty bitch tina does get a slimy grip on them. the dopamine allure becomes so overpowering. they lose the ability to address normal life situations with both feet on the ground. if something a bit challenging comes along, first instinct is to tap the dopamine valve and hide in sketchville.
it becomes numbing to consistently interact with people who are unable to find their center. it's as if they are happiest when they are disconnected and barely tethered. it would seem that probation works for some, but i am not sure what it really accomplishes. jail time, job training, and boot camp may accomplish more.
i wonder sometimes if recidivism has more to do with the possibilities in front of someone than it is the consequences. if a guy can't see any possibility, then it is not a far reach to ask "why try".
i fired someone i was working with this week. they have been consistently fabricating stories, placating, lying, using, manipulating, and generally being a weasel. of course, these traits are consistent with someone with an addiction. and if outpatient treatment isn't effective, and probation isn't effective, then a higher level of care may be needed. and i shared that opinion with a probation officer. but it's also not my style to discharge someone with addiction because they are using. however, consequences are in order, so i transferred care to another provider as well. if they want to stay in treatment, they will have a different counselor and they will have do another intake of sorts to talk about the reasons for a new counselor.
i am not at all sure if this tactic will have effect. i do know that i am weary of acting as cheesecloth to this individuals hogwash. and i think i need to follow my instinct here. having boundaries is still kinda new, but it is definitely growing on me.
i went to a support group for hiv positive people at a local hospital last night in an effort to be of some service. there were about 4 newly diagnosed people there along with about 10 people who had more time dealing with it all. the conversations were lively and the sharing seemed honest and was intense.
1 gay guy and 3 straight guys made up the mix of hivsters and a common theme was denial. the gay guy had been worried about being poz for a couple of years, but ended up in the hospital with pcp and was outed to his family with not only hiv but also his sexual orientation.
the straight guys mainly talked about how they couldn't deal with it so they just ignored it. one went to prison and the other 2 slipped into heavy substance use (maybe just further) and didn't deal for quite awhile. as i sat and listened to this room full of people, the second emerging theme was the use of substances- especially crystal. the prison sentence was meth-related and his hiv status was meth related. several of the others shared that they had been using crystal but had stopped sometime later.
i'm really not sure if a dent has been made into this crystal/hiv epidemic. i sat there last night and felt as if i had been teleported back into the rooms i was in 7 or 8 years ago. one change is that it is no longer a new story. it's a song that has been played over and over until it is hard to distinguish it any longer. unless you happen to be like the 10 or so individuals in that room last evening and personally affected by the intersection of the 2 plagues.
if you are doing crystal meth and experience difficulty stopping or moderating your use, i encourage you to talk to someone around you. there are counselors and hotlines all over the country that will listen. a good place to start for any tweaker is the tweaker project.
that song "i left my heart in san francisco" has definitely been meaningful to me. i decided today, to write about the way i got to the city, and the way i left san francisco. it was the end of something both beautiful and tragic for me. i knew that things were changing, and as i drove across the bay bridge and made my way south to manhattan beach, i was overcome with sadness as i knew my life would never be the same as it had been while living there.
i had moved to sf in late '99. i had become angry for living for 10 years waiting to die because of hiv. in 96, the "cocktail" came about and suddenly i wasn't going to die. it seemed, i now needed a life plan and that pissed me off. i had wasted so much time in fear and frozen. so i decided to move to a city that might have a little more going on and where i might have a bit more fun.
it's so funny, too, 'cuz there was a huge blizzard in truckee when i was headed there. we got stuck and had to wait to get through, i had to buy chains in order to get my van and the trailer with my car through the high country. was it foreshadowing what was to happen- being stuck and having to fight to get through?
but i made it to the city. a day late, but i made it. i had an apartment set up next door to the place where some old friends were staying. they had secured a basement apartment on great highway (across from the ocean) for me. and i was paying the outrageous sum of $500 a month.
i had friends, i had an affordable apartment, i had a secure job doing corporate travel in downtown sf. my life seemed like it was from a book. this too shall pass, as the saying goes. my manager asked me to move to an onsite job at a pharma company in south city. i had a car, so it was do-able.
but when i got to that account, i was pretty horrified. there was a completely homophobic guy working there, who only gave me negative vibes. and there was a very butch woman who collated tickets that was just as homophobic. it really cranked my shaft to think i had moved to san francisco in order to experience hatred and prejudice in the ways i was witnessing. i began to go out more because i was frustrated, i was lonely, and i was tired of feeling both those things as much as i was.
the partying created less sleep, which exacerbated my mental health issues (i'm bi-polar) and i starting having resentments about having to work in such a gruesome environment.
i found a new job, located back in downtown sf. mind you, i had been with the other company for 3 years, so i had a really nice 401K, vacation, insurance, etc... but these things didn't mean anything next to the excruciating abuse i perceived myself enduring at the onsite. the new job lasted a whole 2 months. it was a dot-com and things and they had lots of cash when i started. i had been indirectly steered towards looking outside the company for airfares by one of the managers, and made the mistake of ticketing some personal things on the companies' iatan number and had a snafu. i got canned. i was stunned. i blamed others. the dot com bust hit. corporate travel was experiencing hard times. dot-coms were falling like dominoes. there was a gallery in sf which kept pinning up business cards of extinct companies along a wall in the gallery. weekend pink slip parties were common.
finding a new job was tough. i was still reeling from the ego punch of being fired. i had been drowning my sorrows ( big surprise) and i talked my uncle into giving me work at his office in LA. I started commuting to LA on mondays and home on thursdays. i had a job at an italian restaurant st fisherman's wharf on the weekend. the schedule was grueling. the partying was endless. the money was okay. the rest was little.
then 9/11 happened. it was stunning. it was like watching a movie. only it was one i didn't remember seeing before. the world stopped for a few minutes, but i didn't catch my breath. on 9/14 i got laid off from both jobs. i became bitter. i drove to las vegas for my uncle's wedding, totally pissed off that he would lay me off and expect me to spend money on a hotel and parties just as i had lost both my revenue streams. but i went anyway, because i wanted to be bitter.
i went back to sf and didn't find work until march. the new omni hotel had opened and i got a job as a server. it was a stroke of luck and a big pain at the same time. i didn't want to be a server anymore. but i needed the job. i started partying again after work. somehow, i started smoking crack again. oh yeah, i picked up this guy on polk street and we started playing regularly. he was hustler and loved to get high. i would do almost anything not to be alone.
i came down with shingles. god, those things hurt. i got put on vicoden and was taking about 6 a day for 6 weeks or so. i got kidney stones twice, and i just got so weirded out, that i decided i didn't want to be on hiv meds anymore and that the only reason i was working at that shitty job was so i could have insurance and be on meds.
but i went back to work, still taking vicoden. i went to a party after work and some people were smoking something from a glass pipe. it was chunky and solid, then flame was applied, it turned to liquid, the pipe was rolled back and forth, and it turned to smoke. i tried it and the pain from my shingles disappeared for the first time that i could remember. i went home and tinkered in my house all morning. i couldn't wait to try it again.
i next smoked meth about 2 weeks later. after about a week from that point, i quit my job. i was hanging out at golden gate park, buena vista park and baker beach park all the time. i didn't come down again that i remember while i was in sf. i was hallucinating, i was hiding from reality, and i slowly disassembled my life. cashed in my 401K. never paid rent. became obsessed with sex, computers, and parks. i became a ghoul. i felt as if i was communicating with another world. i didn't feel part of this world, i felt transcended and plugged into something else.
but my world was crumbling. my landlady, who had treated me like a prince, was completely through with my jekyll/hyde behavior. i had become irresponsible. i had become a whore. i had beoome a borg. i had become a vampire. welcome to drug addiction. i barely even noticed that my old friends had moved to hawaii, and the new friends i had met had gone to new york and maine. i wasn't speaking to non-user friends anymore. they only looked at me with horror in their eyes as i had lost so much weight and had become tweakish and psychotic.
and so i had no options but to drive south to friendlier territory (i hoped). i headed over the bay bridge for the last time. i felt as if i was losing a part of myself. one that i knew i would probably never regain. i had further bridges to cross and burn, before my run was through.
i miss that city. sometimes, my heart aches for the sunshine, the fog, the vistas, the hills, the ocean, the fantastic food, the nightlife, the culture, the vibrational rate. i love that city. love that city. but i don't think i left my heart there. now that i really consider it, i didn't. i lost my heart there. i lost touch with my heart when i met tina. i made room for her to move in and i didn't care what she got rid of.
i'm glad i've come into contact with my heart again. i've been blessed this way. i sometimes wanna whine because i don't have it all, but when i look closely, i see that perhaps i really do. i have been put in touch with my heart again. i stopped trying to solve it all. i've stopped fighting so much. i started believing i needed help. and i started looking for it. and believing it would get here.
i wish a miracle such as this for you. i wish you are able to find your heart, if it's lost. and my trek to find my heart again began with recovery. it is quite a trek, it takes time and effort, but its value is unmeasurable.
now, this song, i haven't heard in about 20 years. it used to be so much on my "faves" list. you might want to turn it up a bit if you play it. i'm typing this last line as i'm listening to it. this song and jane olivor still give me goose bumps. it reminds me of days with my first partner. one of the few loves of my life. definitely a time when love had found me.
happy valentine's day. may love find its way to you, too.
the landscape of gay men's treatment options in denver is changing. those changes may be subtle from the outside, but i hope they are monumental from a less global view.
i am feeling a bit relieved these days. the mile high meth project has been refunded for at least another two years and by at least 3 sources. this pretty much ensures that i will have income for that time period and we will have resources to expand on the ideas we have already started. and we only started the program on a full time basis in august 07.
there has been a shift in the substance usetreatment world/ probation/ hiv treatment arena's inclusion of our agency and our program. being accepted is more than just feeling good about ourselves. it's also is reflected in collaboration and in referrals.
and this is where our niche really comes into play. we do get some of the more challenging cases, and this allows us to offer intervention to guys who might otherwise fall through the cracks.
it also gives us the opportunity to grow into the place to come if one is having doubts and fears about their meth (or other drug) use.
i'm not so pompous to think that we will effect great change with every client, but i do hope just the fact that we care in a more engaged manner, does have a ripple effect in people's lives and psyches.
Crystal meth (or getting high)can leave you with memories of what life is, or was, like when you are, or were, high. Sometimes it can feel like just about everything gets you thinking about crystal (or getting high). These memories and the thoughts they kick in can be called triggers. Triggers lead to cravings, an intense feeling of needing or wanting to use. Quitting crystal has a lot to do with learning how you're going to deal with triggers and cravings. These reactions, these triggers and cravings, are completely natural, all but automatic and definitely inevitable. But rest assured that you can and will learn new ways to deal with triggers and to reduce cravings.
the above is an excerpt from tweaker.org where i found good, solid, healthy advice about kickin meth. i struggled when i was trying on my own and even when i was seeking help. it was fuckin hard to figure out how to quit. at least to quit for more than two or three months.
that's right.. kickin ain't easy. it can go on and on. most of us need some help in the process. Lindsay girl... are you okay? i, for one, am not interested in teeheeing your situation. it's not funny to me at all. you are not well, and need help. according to the following articles (plus many additional- see lifelube)
you are being helped or maybe you're caught by a smooth criminal..
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan may be back on drugs — but this time, it's part of her new highly controversial anti-addiction treatment.
Lindsay, 21, is back in L.A. after a stint at Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab facility following her late-July arrest for cocaine possession and DUI.
She'll be spending roughly a month in L.A. working on Dare to Love Me, an independent film about a legendary 1920s tango dancer and the mysterious woman who enters his life.
The insider tells Star that Lindsay will be under the care of Matthew Torrington, M.D., medical director of the PROMETA Center, an outpatient clinic in Santa Monica specializing in treating alcohol, cocaine and metamphetamine (crystal meth) addictions.
The PROMETA system is at the center of a major controversy within the medical community though.
"In my clinical experience, I have found the treatment to be very, very effective and an incredible aid to people who are suffering," Dr. Torrington tells Star, but the lack of accepted clinical testing, say some critics, raises many troubling questions about the PROMETA program.
...a smooth criminal.....
A day in the Prometa warsPosted by David Seago @ 09:05:53 pm Notes from the Pierce County Council's hearing today on the highly controversial Prometa drug treatment used by the Pierce County Alliance . . .
Councilman Shawn Bunney, soon-to-be-declared candidate for county executive, was primed for the cameras. He brandished a stage prop – a large poster demonstrating what he considered evidence of marketing "hype" for Prometa. He peppered Prometa advocates with pointed questions.
Those "exceptionally positive outcomes" are a matter of sharp dispute. Matt Temmel, the county performance auditor whose report shredded the claims for Prometa made by the Pierce County Alliance, stood by his conclusions in testimony today.
The Alliance countered with heartfelt testimony from several clients who described how Prometa treatment had saved their lives."I got my life back," one woman told the council.
Those anecdotal success stories are powerful. But the alliance damaged its credibility with financial conflicts of interest and less-than-rigorous use of treatment data. See our Sunday editorial here.
here is an excerpt from a seattle interview about crystal meth in 2005 with one of my personal heroes: peter staley. i think the content speaks for itself. i find myself slowly moving towards activism in this regard and hope that wherever i eventually land in my movement of beliefs and ideals that i find myself in the company of men and women who actually give a damn. there are wars to be waged, changes to fight for, and healing to nurture. still some days, i cannot believe i have survived all i have to participate in this. so sign me up mr. staley. i think the meth mystique is bullshit. it's built on a concept that there is an easy way to paradise. a quick fix. an easy feel-good with no repercussions. a fast infusion of networking and communication to other gay men and an easy for source of validation. it's none of those things in my eyes. it is merely smoke and mirrors. smoke and mirrors.
So if you could give marching orders to some group of people on this issue, who would you give them to?
Gay men in general, and in particular the guys who are not using meth. I feel strongly that if a person who would never use meth is having brunch on a Sunday with others who have used meth that weekend, and is listening to the meth users share their experience in a joking way—if the listener doesn't say anything, then by his silence he is playing a role in meth's popularity in the community. He's playing a role if he doesn't say, "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that destroyed the lives of some of my friends?"
By his silence he's complicit.
Absolutely, he's complicit. In my mind, this kind of silence is a form of pushing.
So why do so many people remain silent?
The whole basis of our community is very libertarian. The gay liberation movement's primary focus has been fighting against those who are trying to tell us how to live our lives, so we're very reluctant to tell each other how to live our lives. And rightly so. I have a strong libertarian streak. But I hope our community only takes that so far.
For example, if we had been completely libertarian during the height of the AIDS crisis in the '80s, there would have been no pressure from some gay men on other gay men that condoms be used all the time. That was our greatest hour as a community—when we started helping each other, as well as pressuring each other, and started expecting that we take care of our own. Now, here we are again, faced with a situation where the health of many gay men is under serious threat. We need to start helping and pressuring each other again.
the only difference i see in this course of action is perhaps tactical. i am not sure that pressuring is a solution. it may have worked when fear was so predominate, but change doesn't typically stick when it's coerced. if we as a culture start moving towards a deeper happiness then social norms will change. and when we adopt the helping each other philosophy truly and not as a means to manipulate then we can evolve.
oh, yes i do think that brother michael coulda stopped making changes a long time ago, but it ain't my journey. i've lived my own hell, so i try not to emphasize anyone else's. besides, he can rock da house.....
the song posted today is on my jogging mixtape and i get to listen to it regularly when i am pushing my limits and breathing deeply. something resonates as truth as i hear the lyrics.trent's lyrics are stark and real. and mr. cash delivers the goods with his expression. truth around addiction and heavy drug use. i always remember how much i used to feel these very feelings when i was using and this does mean over a long span of years. this is very much how my depression would manifest itself in my thoughts. i can't remember the last time i felt this way since i have gotten clean. now i'm just plain emo, but i am not deeply depressed nor suicidal. this small fact is a huge gift and deserves recognition and gratitude. i am overwhelmingly grateful today that depression and regret do not overpower my life today. and i don't have to feel shame for what i have done nor for what i have neglected to do. the lyrics state "if i could start again, a million miles away. i would keep myself, i would find a way. i honestly believe this has come true for me. never give up.
Hurt Lyrics by Trent Reznor
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything
what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of thorns on my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair beneath the stain of time the feeling disappears you are someone else I am still right here
what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt
if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way
seattle counseling has added a new dimension to their fight with the relationship between crystal, gay men, and hiv. see crystal neon. the newest defense is a peer-based effort launched to locally challenge the agreement field that exists (as it does in almost every other large city) that it is okay to use crystal and that it doesn't hurt anybody but its users and that it's somebody else's problem.
i applaud this effort. absolutely love it. there was a time when the gay rights movement and community had to create change for themselves if they wanted change. now, it seems so many expect someone else to do the work. but this seattle effort brings back the idea that we are the captains of our own destiny. i buy into this, hook, line, and sinker.
i love the "have you quit" section. gay men who have already stopped have so much to offer in this regard. just like hiv poz guys have so much to offer new positive men. i never see enough of that.
anyway here is seattle's newest addition to both their local and our national efforts to corral the meth-y business that is pummelling gay men across the globe. strength over speed
it has been a very full weekend for me emotionally. i have really come full circle with having a panorama of feelings. friday was a very important anniversary for me in my clean life. i have managed to stick with a stop using plan for longer than any other time that i had told myself i would stop previously. this was entirely because i enlisted the help of a tutor and a manual. that made all the difference in the world.
i went to a family reunion of sorts which is unusual here in colorado. my oldest uncle came into town and we went for a get together. i hadn't seen or really spoken to him in probably 7 or 8 years. plus i hadn't seen a cousin who lives about 20 blocks from me for about that same length of time. and there is another cousin that i hadn't seen since her daughter's high school graduation about 4 years ago.
all of these visits all rolled into one, were quite moving for me. one cousin is still struggling with her bipolar disorder and her emotions. i know very well this is such a difficult terrain to maneuver because we try to navigate it with our egos and blame our hearts. from my experience that is just not the way to work it. we have to let go of our egos, ask for help, and lift up our hearts if we are to learn to scale the walls of sanity. this is not easy to explain to someone who is in the middle of their mania or in depression, though. not an easy thing to do at all.
i went to my home group yesterday morning which i have been attending for about 2 1/2 of the 3 years of clean time i have put together. it was a really emotional meeting because i shared an honest observation i have had. there i was in a room full of gentle giants of the heart, who all had given of themselves to me. given of their wisdom, their experience, and their love without ever asking anything in return. only the silent understanding that i would share any of these things that i have gotten from them with someone else when the time came. and that is what i try to do.
i also shared that i had been a sexual abuse survivor when i was a young boy. part of that for me included blaming myself for the events and feeling that i had been responsible for them somehow and that i had deserved them. these thoughts had led me to believe that i would always feel this way and i started getting high to snuff these out. it worked for awhile, but what also happened was that my behaviors and my lack of awareness brought more trauma into my life. further sexual abuse events, sexually aberrant behaviors, intimacy issues, hiv, a multitude of anonymous sexual contacts, and horrid self image constantly covered up with more substance abuse.
sounds lovely doesn't it? oh, don't get me wrong. i had a lot of fun, too. i held good jobs. participated in charity functions, social activities, groups and cultural events, but underneath it all, i held all the feelings and guilt described in the earlier paragraphs.
only since i have gotten a tutor to assist me in going through this design for living, have i been able to give myself permission to think about myself in a different way. only through the 12 steps have i been able to consider actual change an option. only through this process have i been able to lay down the cat-o-nine-tails that i have been flogging myself since i was 9.
i cannot tell you what a blessing this is for me. there is no real way to describe what a relief it is to no longer believe that i have less worth than anyone else. or to believe that my heart is tarnished and that i am damaged goods. these are not my first thoughts about myself or my life anymore. and i will shout it from the rooftops if need be. this is a program that works. this is a trip worth taking. this is a road worth walking. this is a life worth living.
thank you for taking the time to read this. it felt great to get it out.
Thank you for being here.
Amazing Grace Lyrics
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.... I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I see.
T'was Grace that taught... my heart to fear. And Grace, my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear... the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares... we have already come. T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far... and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me... His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be... as long as life endures.
When we've been here ten thousand years... bright shining as the sun. We've no less days to sing God's praise... then when we've first begun.
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.... I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I see. (end)
i googled gay crystal meth recovery while online last night and i came across this site.
please take the time to read for a moment: twacked
it's kinda eerie for me. it's almost like an episode of the twilight zone (which i loved btw.) we could be witnessing the last place on earth this being was before they were lifted off into the 4400 of meth use. i suppose it's wrong of me to assume that it's a relapse, but that's the first place my mind went. even considering the posts about his condition and the color of his urine. i hope i'm wrong for his sake and i pray he's okay. i certainly would be happy to be incorrect. i especially relate to his inability to make the keyboard work. that was so very very much a part of my tweaking dilemma. i couldn't remember how to operate the simple aspects of a computer. i used to spend so much of my time trying to figure out how to close a screen window because i always wanted to open it again to make sure i could close it again.
one time i called sbc who was my isp at the time and told the help desk(at about 2am) that i was hearing voices from my modem. he said things like: "you don't say" and "hmmm, can't imagine what that is." i had a whole screenplay written in my head ( i was always writing screenplays in my head) about a new virus which was taking over the world (a la "what's so bad about feeling good?"). It was actually a computer generated virus that would infect through the skin and people would become cartoons and inanimate objects would suddenly become animated. of course it was to be called Animation Virus. catchy eh?
meth use causes lack of sleep. and lack of sleep causes hallucinations, both visual and auditory, and even psychoses. it is very common in tweakers to go days without sleeping and start hearing and seeing things that they believe are completely real. and there is no way you can convince them of anything else. and even in early recovery some residual hallucinations and emotional discharges are likely. it's not easy to come down off meth. it takes some patience and it takes some overseeing.
omg- watching this shit really gives me chills. it depicts precisely how i used to spend many, many, many of my days. my chat box was always on with someone on an m4m site, though.
this weekend denver is hosting the cocaine anonymous colorado state convention. i volunteered at registration for about 4 hours on saturday after work. i do so much better at those things when i have a job to do. it is much easier for me to have a purpose in a crowd than to just be one of the masses. it was always that way for me at a party or a club too. i would rather be doing than being.
i talked to over a hundred people today. my social skills are polished compared to some, but not at all perfect. i struggle with saying the right things on many occasions, i struggle with listening sometimes, especially if people are slow talkers, roundabout talkers, or give too many details when relaying a story. i guess i have add because i lose track so quickly. i know it must seem to others that i am a caustic bitch, which i can be at times, but mostly it is that i actually have some difficulty listening. i have always just figured i am selfish, but now i wonder if it is something else. or maybe i'm hoping it's something else.
don't get me wrong, it's not so bad that i'm going to take meds for it. but it is noticeable enough that it's distracting sometimes for me. take today for example: in a class i teach there is a student who eagerly participates. he speaks in monotone and gives many details when he is sharing. i am thrilled that he is engaged. and i know that it helps his program to be engaged. but truth be told, i disengage slightly while he's talking because i know it's going to be the circuitous route that we take to get to his destination. i "check out" automatically and just wait for a break in the talk to move on. one reason is because i have an agenda, a curriculum i need to move through and because we have a time constraint, but also because i'm sure that the rest of the class is probably on a similar page and i want to be supportive.
then skip to the cognitive skills group i facilitate. it is for folks who are quitting their crystal use and staying clean and we discuss different techniques to use like thought stopping, examining motivation, reviewing behaviors, and normalizing change. again, there is a curriculum involved. now i realize that some discussion is needed. actually required for people to stay involved in the learning process and the group setting demands interaction of a strong sort. but there has to be some attention paid to the curriculum or there is no point being in the group in the first place. it could be a different group. now, i don't know if any of you have ever tried to hold the attention of a half dozen or so folks who are recently coming off tweak, but there are some challenges involved. it is oftentimes reminiscent of the aviary over at the zoo. and it's not easy to reign them in. the camaraderie of this group is essential to their success. but that scattered conversational style and nervous jocularity to fit in has become a communication style, too. that's the nature of meth. and that's the nature of meth addicts. but, it's my job to offer another perspective. it's my job to show them value in focusing. to create desire around change, and instill the importance of learning how to do create change and sustain it. but their brains are still run by the "feel good" centers. they lack discipline.
i actually love what i am doing today with my days and my life. i honestly do believe that all the shit i have waded thru and endured has been for a reason. and this is the reason. to share my experience with others and help them on their journey. i only worry that if i can't learn to listen better, i won't know which shit to share.
i am at a point in time when i have to let go of something. but what do i set free? and what do i hang on to?
i'm writing this after a very long day. i took a coupla hours off today to work on a gig that happens once a year. it's fun to do because it's so unlike what i do the rest of my time. no one needs me emotionally. i get to laugh, cajole, and kinda be carefree. but today that wasn't really the case. someone i care deeply for was there and was taking some verbal potshots at me. now this is someone i have history with. i embezzled money during my last binge and broke our trust. but he didn't call the police, and i paid him back in full within 4 months. i made a full apology, and i thought i had made an amends.
but today, was rife with innuendo about me stealing a client from him, about my general demeanor, it was really not pleasant. somehow, i am letting it bother me. but, truth be told, i am sort of numb. i am stuck in some emotion that is not even about today. it's about something a long time ago. it's very familiar, but it's not current. i feel change in the air for me somehow. it's not frightening or scary, but it's powerful. and i think i am preparing myself somehow for this change. or at least i hope i am.
god i guess this is vague. firstly, i want to remind myself and others that just because i have given up unattractive behaviors for the most part, doesn't mean they go away. and just because i do a lot- intensely a lot of work on myself and my recovery, doesn't mean that other people in my life do the same. it is a challenge sometimes in my sobriety to face pettiness, envy, cattiness, belittling behavior. but it happens on a daily basis, sometimes on an hourly basis. people have no obligation to be honest, mature, or travelling on the same spiritual path as myself for any reason. and i sit in the other room and i am quietly churning over the events of the day, i begin to know that this is not healthy for me. there is nothing i can change at this point in time. the day is over. the events have unfurled. the only thing i can change now is my perspective.
so this brings me to the close of my day and the 10th step:
10th Step Guidelines It's a good idea to start with a prayer. For example:
"God, please help me review my day. Please grant me the willingness to see what you would have me see, in the light you would have me see it: free from morbid reflection, fear, obsessive guilt, and dishonesty."
The following guide is drawn verbatim from Alcoholics Anonymous (pp. 84-86):
1. Was I resentful?
2. Selfish?
3. Dishonest?
4. Afraid?
5. Do I owe an apology?
6. Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?
7. Was I kind and loving toward all?
8. What could I have done better?
9.Was I thinking of myself most of the time?
10. Or was I thinking of what I could do for others, what I could pack into the mainstream of life?
11. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
At all times we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up we:
1. Ask God at once to remove them.
2. We discuss them with someone immediately.
3. And make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.
4. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.
5. We then thank the universe that we didn't get high today. We found a new way to get through the day.
love the message here- don't give up on your faith. love comes to those who believe it.
last year, the gmhc of new york produced this public service announcement. it is very eye-opening which it is meant to be; click here and download appropriately
These two articles received from the CCMTF listserve regarding a very little discussed population with regard to meth use: the african american gay men's culture. some of my questions around all this: will gay men at large pay as much notice? will they care? does the rainbow flag have any meaning or does it tend to just be a colorful hollow symbol of who we are and where our priorities are? will books be written, will there be a talk show circuit? will the press coverage be as voluminous? is this a separate population from the gay population? in what ways? will they struggle in silence and without general support. do we claim them when it's convenient and satisfies our needs, but forget about them when the party's over?
The following is from a North Carolina study:
Crystal methamphetamine is a highly addictive stimulant that initially gained popularity in the western region of the United States and has spread to all regions of the country. This study was designed to identify factors associated with methamphetamine use among men who have sex with men (MSM) in North Carolina. Participants were recruited in five gay bars and in five geographically defined Internet chat rooms concurrently in 2005 to complete a brief assessment of drug use and other risk behaviors. Of the 1189 MSM who completed the assessment, mean age was 29 years. Two thirds self-identified as black/African American or other minorities, and 25% as bisexual. Nearly 6% reported using methamphetamines during the past 30 days. In multi variable analysis, MSMwho reported using methamphetamines were more likely to report higher education; health insurance coverage; inconsistent condom use during anal sex within the past 3 months; a history of sexually transmitted disease (STD) infection; positive HIV serostatus; and use of medications designed to treat erectile dysfunction. A lack of data exists on methamphetamine use among MSM in the southeastern United States,particularly in non urban regions. Because the southeastern United States carries a disproportionate HIV, AIDS, and STD burden, our findings underscore the need for further research and intervention.
and this from New York City:
A comparative analysis of methamphetamine use: Black gay and bisexual men in relation to men of other races. Halkitis PN, Jerome RC.Addict Behav. 2007 Aug 8; [Epub ahead of print] We investigated the patterns and correlates of methamphetamine use among Black gay and bisexual men who participated in a large-scale study of club drug use, and sexual behavior in combination with club drug usein New York City. Almost half of the Black men (49%) in the sample indicated use of methamphetamine in the 4 months prior to assessment, aproportion somewhat lower than their White counterparts. In terms of the overall sample, the proportion of the Black men in the study was equivalent to the proportion of methamphetamine users who identified as Black. Black methamphetamine users tended not to reside in neighborhoods considered traditionally gay, were more likely to be HIV-positive, have lower educational attainment, and have lower levels of income than other methamphetamine users. In terms of frequency and reasons for use, Black methamphetamine users did not differ in any substantive way compared toother races and ethnicities. In addition, they did not differ along any key demographic lines from Black non-methamphetamine users. Poly-druguse was common among all Black men in the sample, with almost all methamphetamine users also reporting use of cocaine, but cocaine user snot necessarily reporting methamphetamine use. Once a drug that was considered popular only among White gay men, methamphetamine use has been shown to transcend racial and ethnic lines. Because of the synergy that exists between use of the drug, the concentrated levels of HIV Ianthe Black gay population, and the sexual disinhibition engendered with methamphetamine use, this drug presents a potentially mounting public health challenge. Characteristics of a sample of men who have sex with men, recruited from gay bars and internet chat rooms, who report methamphetamine use.
This is the sentiment of an addict to me. A private dancer. A dancer for money (or tina!). It ain't all it's cracked(lol) to be.
London, Paris, Rome - long since I've been home Chose the yellow-brick road, blinded by the light Acted like a star, unpolluted laughter Took myself too far, never a morning after
And I danced my life away Now there's so much left to say There's no easy way down, my dear Listen, my dear
Cruising in my car, pain and caviar Diamonds for breakfast, then some love for lunch They were traitors then, I was the blossoming flower Fell in love with them, this was my finest hour
And I danced my life away And I got so much left to say There's no easy way down, my dear Listen, my dear
No more rambling rose, feel like bailin' out My mascara's leaking, looking like a freak There's no one to blame how I've spent my days through And if you want the same, I can always show you
How I danced my life away When there was so much left to say There's no easy way down, my dear Listen, my dear
