hurt

photo courtesy of krijn

the song posted today is on my jogging mixtape and i get to listen to it regularly when i am pushing my limits and breathing deeply. something resonates as truth as i hear the lyrics.trent's lyrics are stark and real. and mr. cash delivers the goods with his expression. truth around addiction and heavy drug use. i always remember how much i used to feel these very feelings when i was using and this does mean over a long span of years. this is very much how my depression would manifest itself in my thoughts. i can't remember the last time i felt this way since i have gotten clean. now i'm just plain emo, but i am not deeply depressed nor suicidal. this small fact is a huge gift and deserves recognition and gratitude. i am overwhelmingly grateful today that depression and regret do not overpower my life today. and i don't have to feel shame for what i have done nor for what i have neglected to do.
the lyrics state "if i could start again, a million miles away. i would keep myself, i would find a way. i honestly believe this has come true for me. never give up.

Hurt
Lyrics by Trent Reznor

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way