rolling stone

image credit... chris phillips

I knew if I got loaded I was going away for a while. People would say, Oh, you're just sober because you're on probation.

Charlie Sheen quotes

i have been working with more and more clients who are on probation. probationers are intrinsically different than clients who are voluntarily seeking sobriety.  the concept of probation is certainly in need of a 21st century refurbishment, but until that happens the one that is in place is the standard. people get put on probation to facilitate them getting out of custody, but still retaining some constraints and restrictions on their behavior for a non-specific period of time. it's a release from custody with strings.

strangely enough, many of the people i work with who are on probation somehow are challenged to reel in their behaviors to ensure they stay out of jail. this nasty bitch tina does get a slimy grip on them. the dopamine allure becomes so overpowering. they lose the ability to address normal life situations with both feet on the ground. if something a bit challenging comes along, first instinct is to tap the dopamine valve and hide in sketchville.

it becomes numbing to consistently interact with people who are unable to find their center. it's as if they are happiest when they are disconnected and barely tethered. it would seem that probation works for some, but i am not sure what it really accomplishes.  jail time, job training, and boot camp may accomplish more.

i wonder sometimes if recidivism has more to do with the possibilities in front of someone than it is the consequences. if a guy can't see any possibility, then it is not a far reach to ask "why try".

i fired someone i was working with this week. they have been consistently fabricating stories, placating, lying, using, manipulating, and generally being a weasel. of course, these traits are consistent with someone with an addiction. and if outpatient treatment isn't effective, and probation isn't effective, then a higher level of care may be needed. and i shared that opinion with a probation officer. but it's also not my style to discharge someone with addiction because they are using. however, consequences are in order, so i transferred care to another provider as well. if they want to stay in treatment, they will have a different counselor and they will have do another intake of sorts to talk about the reasons for a new counselor.

i am not at all sure if this tactic will have effect. i do know that i am weary of acting as cheesecloth to this individuals hogwash. and i think i need to follow my instinct here. having boundaries is still kinda new, but it is definitely growing on me.

. 

peace train

Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is to concern oneself with something other than life or death.
Jean Cocteau

what a day this has been. i started with meeting with two people who are both struggling with alcohol use, but they reside on two completely different sides of the intellectual spectrum. the first person seems quite simple and has challenges recognizing that his behaviors have led directly to his life issues. but we will work on that. the second person seems very bright, but has had a multi-decade relationship with booze that has likely sucked much of the brightness and joie-de-vivre directly out of him like a kiss from lestat.

a quick introduction to a new person who still dabbles with meth (about 4-2day binges a month according to him). he did not initiate the introduction and appeared cautiously frozen in his tracks like an intuitive deer caught in a hunter's scope. he answered questions freely and honestly, but remained close to the bench that was seating him. pre-contemplation is the space on the wheel of change that he has landed for quite some time. no income, no employment, and no prospects for change (as well as several missing front teeth) indicate that he has lost sight of his own reflection.

the afternoon brought a revisit with someone who is working on quitting smoking. there is great confusion about a specific plan for stopping including a date as well as developing alternative behaviors or activities to replace the need for the relief that smoking a stogie brings. upon further clarification, it is revealed that the real task is to reconstruct the living situation as it glares as a much more important issue that tobacco cessation. decreasing the nicotine intake is taking place. but the total stoppage is doubtful at this point. adding pharma support at this time does not make good sense.

this is a sampling of a day. absolutely no resolution was found for any of these passengers. an impression of who these characters once were is more evident than is easier to discern than where they are headed.

all are passengers who are holding tickets for this journey... i can only hope they have boarded the train going in the direction they intended.

today's sound choice is cat steven's with "peace train"

hurt

photo courtesy of krijn

the song posted today is on my jogging mixtape and i get to listen to it regularly when i am pushing my limits and breathing deeply. something resonates as truth as i hear the lyrics.trent's lyrics are stark and real. and mr. cash delivers the goods with his expression. truth around addiction and heavy drug use. i always remember how much i used to feel these very feelings when i was using and this does mean over a long span of years. this is very much how my depression would manifest itself in my thoughts. i can't remember the last time i felt this way since i have gotten clean. now i'm just plain emo, but i am not deeply depressed nor suicidal. this small fact is a huge gift and deserves recognition and gratitude. i am overwhelmingly grateful today that depression and regret do not overpower my life today. and i don't have to feel shame for what i have done nor for what i have neglected to do.
the lyrics state "if i could start again, a million miles away. i would keep myself, i would find a way. i honestly believe this has come true for me. never give up.

Hurt
Lyrics by Trent Reznor

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way