rolling stone

image credit... chris phillips

I knew if I got loaded I was going away for a while. People would say, Oh, you're just sober because you're on probation.

Charlie Sheen quotes

i have been working with more and more clients who are on probation. probationers are intrinsically different than clients who are voluntarily seeking sobriety.  the concept of probation is certainly in need of a 21st century refurbishment, but until that happens the one that is in place is the standard. people get put on probation to facilitate them getting out of custody, but still retaining some constraints and restrictions on their behavior for a non-specific period of time. it's a release from custody with strings.

strangely enough, many of the people i work with who are on probation somehow are challenged to reel in their behaviors to ensure they stay out of jail. this nasty bitch tina does get a slimy grip on them. the dopamine allure becomes so overpowering. they lose the ability to address normal life situations with both feet on the ground. if something a bit challenging comes along, first instinct is to tap the dopamine valve and hide in sketchville.

it becomes numbing to consistently interact with people who are unable to find their center. it's as if they are happiest when they are disconnected and barely tethered. it would seem that probation works for some, but i am not sure what it really accomplishes.  jail time, job training, and boot camp may accomplish more.

i wonder sometimes if recidivism has more to do with the possibilities in front of someone than it is the consequences. if a guy can't see any possibility, then it is not a far reach to ask "why try".

i fired someone i was working with this week. they have been consistently fabricating stories, placating, lying, using, manipulating, and generally being a weasel. of course, these traits are consistent with someone with an addiction. and if outpatient treatment isn't effective, and probation isn't effective, then a higher level of care may be needed. and i shared that opinion with a probation officer. but it's also not my style to discharge someone with addiction because they are using. however, consequences are in order, so i transferred care to another provider as well. if they want to stay in treatment, they will have a different counselor and they will have do another intake of sorts to talk about the reasons for a new counselor.

i am not at all sure if this tactic will have effect. i do know that i am weary of acting as cheesecloth to this individuals hogwash. and i think i need to follow my instinct here. having boundaries is still kinda new, but it is definitely growing on me.

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take me back

i went to a support group for hiv positive people at a local hospital last night in an effort to be of some service. there were about 4 newly diagnosed people there along with about 10 people who had more time dealing with it all. the conversations were lively and the sharing seemed honest and was intense.

1 gay guy and 3 straight guys made up the mix of hivsters and a common theme was denial. the gay guy had been worried about being poz for a couple of years, but ended up in the hospital with pcp and was outed to his family with not only hiv but also his sexual orientation.

the straight guys mainly talked about how they couldn't deal with it so they just ignored it. one went to prison and the other 2 slipped into heavy substance use (maybe just further) and didn't deal for quite awhile. as i sat and listened to this room full of people, the second emerging theme was the use of substances- especially crystal. the prison sentence was meth-related and his hiv status was meth related. several of the others shared that they had been using crystal but had stopped sometime later.

i'm really not sure if a dent has been made into this crystal/hiv epidemic. i sat there last night and felt as if i had been teleported back into the rooms i was in 7 or 8 years ago. one change is that it is no longer a new story. it's a song that has been played over and over until it is hard to distinguish it any longer. unless you happen to be like the 10 or so individuals in that room last evening and personally affected by the intersection of the 2 plagues.

if you are doing crystal meth and experience difficulty stopping or moderating your use, i encourage you to talk to someone around you. there are counselors and hotlines all over the country that will listen. a good place to start for any tweaker is the tweaker project.