i went to a support group for hiv positive people at a local hospital last night in an effort to be of some service. there were about 4 newly diagnosed people there along with about 10 people who had more time dealing with it all. the conversations were lively and the sharing seemed honest and was intense.
1 gay guy and 3 straight guys made up the mix of hivsters and a common theme was denial. the gay guy had been worried about being poz for a couple of years, but ended up in the hospital with pcp and was outed to his family with not only hiv but also his sexual orientation.
the straight guys mainly talked about how they couldn't deal with it so they just ignored it. one went to prison and the other 2 slipped into heavy substance use (maybe just further) and didn't deal for quite awhile. as i sat and listened to this room full of people, the second emerging theme was the use of substances- especially crystal. the prison sentence was meth-related and his hiv status was meth related. several of the others shared that they had been using crystal but had stopped sometime later.
i'm really not sure if a dent has been made into this crystal/hiv epidemic. i sat there last night and felt as if i had been teleported back into the rooms i was in 7 or 8 years ago. one change is that it is no longer a new story. it's a song that has been played over and over until it is hard to distinguish it any longer. unless you happen to be like the 10 or so individuals in that room last evening and personally affected by the intersection of the 2 plagues.
if you are doing crystal meth and experience difficulty stopping or moderating your use, i encourage you to talk to someone around you. there are counselors and hotlines all over the country that will listen. a good place to start for any tweaker is the tweaker project.
Hearts gone astray
Deep in her when they go
I went away,
just when you needed me so
You won't regret
I'll come back begging you
Won't you forget
Welcome love we once knew
i met him about 3 years ago as i finished up a long stint working as an advocate. i was co-facilitating a support group for poz people w/substance use disorders. somehow he stood apart from the rest. he was not the best looking nor the friendliest, but he seemed probably one of the most intelligent men i had encountered there and one of the most intricately entangled too.
his drug of choice had been meth. probably always meth. but that was coupled with a gambling obsession that fueled and encircled his addiction. he was a dealer at the the casinos in the foothills for years, but had lost his position(s) due to ramifications of heavy IV meth use. he had drifted back to the city to find work and was dealing cards again in underground parties to get by. as it usually goes, one party got busted and he was arrested. a tox-screen displayed evidence of meth use and treatment was ordered as part of his probation. this is when and where he first became known to me.
he had gone from making 70 grand a year dealing cards to 70 dollars a night waiting tables. in addition to his obvious ability to grasp concepts and themes in group, it was apparent that he was complicated and quite guarded in what he would bring forth. he seemed very private and more likely ambivalent about what was necessary and what he preferred. this is all so recognizable to most people with a substance use issue. there is a vast chasm between what we know we should do and what we are compelled to do. i drifted from that position after only a month or so of encountering him and charged through my life as is my way.
about 2 years later i encountered him again, this time in a different venue. he had finally finished his probation which had begun as 18 months and had dragged on for 3 years. he had quit injecting meth, had been working steadily, and gotten his hiv issues mostly under control. we discussed the idea of smoking cessation, but he was in precontemplation mostly. i was able to catch up with his journey a bit. he seemed much more open and at peace than i remembered, and i got a pretty good feeling about it all.
he stopped in once every few months and all seemed well. but there was a syphilis diagnosis and he had to come in for a series of shots over 3 weeks and the picture shifted somewhat. he no longer seemed as grounded. he started talking about changing his situation. he said he was tired of his restaurant job and was going to move to dallas to live with his best friend and her husband. he didn't have a job prospect, but really needed a change. that was on february 4th. one month later, he was removed from his apartment after injecting an extremely large amount of methamphetamine.
he died fairly instantly and it was not a well publicized story. i didn't find out until 2 weeks ago. there had been a very small service and it was reported to be quite sweet. his ex-partner had to identify the body and has been traumatized since, although this particular situation may bring some some necessary change to the latter's life that he hasn't been able to create on his own.
i have been a bit stunned and very sad. it reminds me again of the impotence i can feel when working with others. there will be no change until change is desired. yes someone may have to hit their bottom in order to find motivation to do something different, but i think it is definitely worth using intervention and treatment to keep that bottom from being as far down as it was for seth... that damn bitch tina seems to be working overtime, all the time, every which way and loose.
may peace be with you my friend, and with those of us left behind...
he is 29, very handsome, and very much a party boy. he is sitting down by himself and waiting. when i walked up to him and asked him how he is doing, he directly said he is tired and sick of waiting around. he felt like he had been there a long time and was done. but i knew he is trying to hide the fact that he is crying. only minutes ago he had just had his emotional "protective door" busted in.
she told him he is dying. that if he didn't get down from the fence he had perched on for too long, he is going to miss his opportunity. he had been spending so much time partying and in denial, thinking about everything else but his health, that this very body was taking the heat now. he has a serious case of thrush that has been going on for some time, he has also contracted cmv and it is causing a loss of vision in his left eye. but maybe the worst of all is the huge kaposi's lesion on his scalp. open, tender, and the color of dried blood. and who knows what else is bubbling under the surface.
i cried while i drove away today, remembering that my own story could have taken the same turn. by the grace of something, it did not. but it's not something one can just let ride forever. there are consequences. it's not necessarily a joke, nor is it always safe. even if you are under 30. if you're hiv positive, it only makes sense to establish a relationship with a doctor. make the time and make a friend. you're life may just depend on it.
Don't go chasing waterfalls Please stick to the rivers and lakes that You're used to I know that you're gonna have it your way Or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fasti was talking with a guy today and realized he is pretty damn depressed. he is about 4 years clean from 15 years of heavy meth use. he's around 33 and tested positive for hiv when he was 20. he spent many of the years since then just trying to drown out his own sorrows and secret sadnesses, probably bringing more shame and degradation to himself than the diagnosis did. he wasn't ready to stop using, but the law intervened and convinced him to rethink his position. he did so in an 8x12 iron bar clad room and decided he might try a different approach.
so as i sit and talk with him today, he relays his frustration (bordering on desperation) being heterosexual with hiv. women don't seem very open to considering his predicament right off the bat. and he struggles (to put it mildly) with telling them anything about his situation, let alone declaring it proudly right off the bat. and he feels unlovable, a diseased pariah, and far from seeing any hope for change or closeness in his situation.
his words and his story did more than engage me, i admit. getting clean has more than a handful of challenges. to feel things like fearful and lonely and broken are part of the emotional landscape of us all, but for an addict, feeling these things can easily be like becoming a werewolf or vampire. without the armor of meth or any other drug, the simple aspects of living take on gladiator proportions. all this drama with sobriety, but add hiv and heterosexual, and i think there is most likely the silhouette of a grimm's fairy tale. tender, epic, and horrific.
so as i sat with the hero of this tale, i found myself digging in my heels and talking with him about the things i talk often of. that yes, it's quite understandable to feel some pity and sadness because shit is hard. that the path seems dark sometimes and that the business of going forward can appear futile. and how it's easy to get lost trippin on how we wish things could be. but that's fantasy. his life is right here, right in front of him. and he has a daily option- to choose frustration and defeat, which he's dangling his feet in right now, or to find the fantastic that his life, as it is, has to offer.
i asked just how much knowledge about survivial he thought he had acquired since this all started. he replied- "quite a lot". i then asked how much of that he was sharing with other people. he looked at me befuddled and said none. and i then asked "why not" . he didn't know.
this, i said, is how you can transform your trash to treasure in your life- to move from livable to luxe. you have managed to make it this far in your journey and if you are struggling, you can save your ass by helping someone else. he said- "you mean like aa or na?" exactly.
i explained that each of us is capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. and we have a daily choice- to choose to find what is good in front of us, or to long for something out of reach. i explained that i never thought in my wildest dreams that i would be sitting here, speaking with him and be able to not only understand exactly how he feels, but also have the skill and the words to help him see another side to his life.
as i did this, i started to tear up, because every word i spoke was true. one true grace in living through horrors and pain comes in the ability to use my perspective in service of another.
and that is not just another waterfall.
today's sound choice is tlc with "waterfalls". i think no explanation of the good fit is required here.
Woah, yeah, yeah something sweeet as a candy bar My girl in need Thats what you are
Oh, I, I can understand it Jack and Jill going up the hill Storybooks and fairytales I, I can understand it And if our love gets to be anything but this If someone gets to feel your warm and tender kiss Oh, tell me, baby, how will I ever understand it, baby?
i attended a seminar put on the the Colorado Department of Behavioral Health yesterday on LGBT cultural congruency in mental health and substance abuse treatment. it was really an overview of a train the trainer program which delves into the cultural significancies of denying one's self publicly for years in orde to meet social pressures juxtaposed with the desire and/or process to "come out" and own the true feelings one may have about their intimate selves.
there was a breakdown of 5 stages of acceptance that these individuals would go through before coming to a place of true acceptance and ownership of their true nature and real selves. providers were prodded to consider where on this spectrum of accpetance their clients were when assessing a treatment plan as supportig moving through changes may be helpful in the treatment of their maladies. i remember visiting a therapist in 1974 and being told that my mother's reactions to the "i'm gay" news brought to mind the stages off grief no doubt there is similarity here. i imagine that grieving an old self may be appropriate for some clients.
Self-Recognition as Gay
More than just an awareness of attraction to members of the same sex, it involves confusion, some attempt at denial and repression of feelings, anxiety, trying to "pass," counseling, and often religious commitment to "overcome" sexuality. Eventually, acknowledgment and acceptance of one's sexual orientation develops. There may be some grief over "the fall from paradise" and feelings of loss of a traditional heterosexual life. Gay and lesbian people may be fairly closeted at this point. However, most seek out information about being gay.
Disclosure to Others
Sharing one's sexual orientation with a close friend or family member is the first step in this stage. Rejection may cause a return to the Self-Recognition stage, but positive acceptance can lead to better feelings of self-esteem. Usually disclosure is a slow process. Some gays and lesbians come out in "gentle" ways, admitting they are gay if asked but not volunteering it. Others do it in "loud" ways, proclaiming their sexuality to others to end the invisibility of being gay. As this stage progresses, a self-image of what it means to be gay develops, and the individual studies stereotypes, incorporates some information about gays while rejecting other information.
Socialization with Other Gays
Socializing with other gays and lesbians provides the experience that the person is not alone in the world, and there are other people like him or her. A positive sense of self, indeed pride develops, and is strengthened by acceptance, validation, and support. Contact with positive gay or lesbian role models can play a big role in this stage.
Positive Self-Identification
This stage entails feeling good about oneself, seeking out positive relationships with other gays or lesbians, and feeling satisfied and fulfilled.
Integration and Acceptance
Entails an openness and non-defensiveness about one's sexual orientation. One may be quietly open, not announcing their sexual orientation, but available for support to others nonetheless. Couples live a comfortable life together and generally seek out other couples.Openness is often mitigated by age. Older men may be less open in their lives, and may see no need to change. Younger men may be more open, politically active, and visible in the gay community.
this makes very good sense and should be incorporated into assessment. but what i hadn't realized before yesterday, is that there is probably a similar spectrum of acceptance around being hiv positive (or any other illness or condition) and that assessing the stage of acceptance may be helpful in determining assisting people with moving forward with recovery. there is the same assessment with 12 step, but i hadn't really considered it with the hiv acceptance spectrum before.
i am looking forward to incorporating some of this into the work i do- both on the screening side and on the treatment side. there are so many clients i am working with currently that seem very stuck in their lives. it would be great to find another avenue to assist.
today's sound choice is a very personal coming out song for me. in 1973 when i was 15, i used to hang out once in awhile at a bar called pq's in chicago. i only went on saturday nights usually, and the dancefloor used to be packed... i mean sardine-packed. and this song used to get the walls rockin'. the original is by bobby womack and it's the bomb, but i am posting a cover that came out that same year by new birth. here is "i can understand it"
i have a wonderfully busy weekend planned. client holiday party today and then 2 parties over the weekend. we have finished the newest edition of the newsletter and it has involved some real changes. curious to see how it is received. i learn more about this process with each publication. It's name (TEN-Treatment Education Network) comes from a not-for-profit that was started to further education and social networking for hiv+ persons in colorado.
i began a page devoted to recovery support issues in this edition. i am disappointed that all the ASO's (AIDS Service Organizations) and CBO's (Community Based Organizations) did not respond with some information, but I am thrilled with those who did. As a community, a city, and a state, it is my hope that we will see living well and living successfully with hiv a rule rather than an exception and continue growing into that mindset.
i have hinted before about hopes of creating/resurrecting a statewide coalition of support, treatment updates and education, not just for providers, but for those infected and affected citizens as well. this is the first step in making that wish come to fruition.
~ To accomplish our destiny it is not enough to merely guard prudently against road accidents. We must also cover before nightfall the distance assigned to each of us. Alexis Carrell...
wow! i had such a hard time sleeping. i had a few cups of some new tea that i bought when i was in chicago. it's called earl of oolong and it is fragrant and flavorful... and apparently full of caffeine as well. i hate not being able to sleep. it is quite unsettling.
when i cannot sleep it's almost as if the woodwork squeaks and out come the freaks. i find the little parts of myself that i don't really care for emerge (sometimes in full uniform) to remind me that i have a lotta work left to do. this month will be a lotta work.. i am starting a 2nd group, and i have parties booked each weekend and xmas eve and nye as well. ( i have a new leather sofa to pay for.) luckily, the catering will be working with several different chefs with a couple of repeats. and i'm working the actual holidays with a family i have worked for several times before. if i can pay off 1/2 the sofa i will be thrilled. after all, i have a sleeper to get for the spare bedroom.:)
i find myself a little saddened by the passing of another decade. this has been one of the most volatile in my life. i started using meth in 2001 and stopped in 2005. those 4 years forced a complete reno from the ground up and is still in progress in many ways. i don't know that i will ever forget the juxtaposition of "the best of times and the worst of times" that the 21st century heralded into my life. the meth phenomenon is much more far reaching than my little existence, though. it has touched our nation heavily and has been very heavy handed in the gay men's world. i wonder if anyone has done a study on the age of most gay men (as well as hiv positive gay men) to see what the numbers of each using meth and over-using meth are, and what those trends might say. i personally think that my midlife crisis had much to do with my finding myself lost and letting go of what i had. in so many ways, i didn't recognize myself and so nothing had value. and i kept trying to fill the empty spaces i saw and felt with any pleasure i could muster.
just a thought. i'm hoping to see "blind side" today, make some turkey chili, and maybe kick it one more time till the end of the year... love you madly..
today's sound choice comes from a different "back to mine" cd- this one offered up by mj cole. this is "destiny" by zero 7. the vid is filled with animation that makes me smile..
i would like to share a tidbit of some ideas i was introduced to in dc last month and am actively helping to bring some formalized and targeted trainings to denver and to colorado as well. in contrast to the environment that exists in large urban gay centers, there is a stigma and a "closeted" aspect to living with hiv in less densely populated areas, as well as with non-gay identified populations.
what is also commonly reported is that the affected populations have evolved to include sub-populations in addition to men who have sex with men. this is hopefully a very directed response to be mindful of these groups as well. the reality of peer based education and support is becoming more widely accepted.
Trouble is your middle name But in the end youre not too bad Can someone tell me if its wrong to be So mad about you Mad about you Mad Give me all your true hate And Ill translate it in your bed Into never seen passion That is why I am so mad about you Mad about you
from mad about you... hooverphonics
finally, we are ready to publish. this takes so much longer than i ever imagined. it's definitely a labor of love. there are friends from all over who have helped with this issue. marc, richard and brian- thank you so much for all your support and especially your friendship and patience.
hopefully, you will find it a good read. i don't know if i mentioned this, but allow me to boast even if it's one more time- the major denver public hospital and the state health department are now giving copies of this newsletter to new positives whenever they can. i am really blown away by this. your comments are welcomed, as always.
it has been 90 degrees for more than 20 days consecutively here in denver. it is very hot. i wish it would rain. i am headed to the mountains tomorrow for a hike at lake isabelle with some guys from SIN. I am looking forward to the temperature change.
there have been some sweet letters being exchanged between bryan levinson (the founder of SIN) and carl fraziers sister. it seems that we may start to give out an award or a recognition in carls memory in SIN. I think that is a splendid idea. here is a bit of the correspondence:
Bryan:
I know your group played a special part in my brother's life. I'm forever thankful for the awesome friendships he made through SIN. I just wanted to express my appreciation to everyone for being Carl's family as much as we were. I can only imagine how important you all were to him on his journey through life.
Gratefully, Kathy Anderson (Carl's big sister)
Dear Kathy,
My heart truly goes out to you. I have to admit that I hesitated for several days before mustering the courage to reply to your email. A part of me didn't want to admit that Carl was indeed gone. He is to me and will always remain a very sweet man with a sparkling intellect and unique ability to make almost anyone feel comfortable by his side. I can't even begin to imagine what God has planned for each of his wards in this life but he seems to reserve some of the most undeserving departures for those amazing people like Carl who I would think should live forever. If anyone could surely be an angel after life has ended it's Carl, as he was certainly one in earthly form.
Thank you for the kind note but the pleasure of Carl's presence in my life was mine and my create to your family for allowing us to be a part of his journey. Your family should have tremendous pride in the man that Carl had become and his unwavering desire to make any part of his world better than when he found it. Can I ask if we could dedicate some program within Strength In Numbers in Carl's honor? Possibly an award to individuals who improve the lives of those affected by HIV/AIDS in the gay community? Would that be appropriate?
I've included Rod on this email as he organizes the SIN Colorado chapter and had met Carl several times I believe. Our hearts go out to you and your family. If there is anything, anything that I or anyone else in SIN can do for you or your family, please let me know immediately.
Much love, Bryan
Rod:
I hope I get to meet you and Bryan someday...you sound like incredible men I'd really like to know. Bryan's note below made me cry and smile at the same time - thank you for reinforcing that my little brother really did have the best people in the world for support. That just means so much to me.
I absolutely love the idea of creating some type of award in my brother's name. He would be so honored and so proud that you even suggested it. What an incredible way to memorialize him and the good person he was. I would even love to be involved with this....maybe come to co-present it with you or Bryan or whoever each year. I want to meet as many people who's lives he touched as possible so he can keep living in me, too. Just let me know what you want me to do...I will gladly help however I can.
i read an article last week in the chicago poz publication "positively aware" and was instantly struck by the sincere need that this guys' new book is aimed at. i have already been aware in my own city that there really is not much emotional support, not to mention solid friendly information and guidance, available to new positive folks.
there is so much information available on the internet, but i don't think that it has the same impact as it would have coming mano-et-mano. i know i am more likely to pay attention to someone i know when they share their experience than i am when i am home reading a book or online surfing.
so when i read the interview with brett grodeck i was hooked. i plan on reading this book "the first year hiv" and i am thankful that someone is thinking of the pozlings that follow us. they just don't have the same emotional connection to poz life as we do. how could they? they didn't have the luxury of going through aids/hiv panic with the rest of their contemporaries. they are required to get a table for one in many, many cases.
i wonder if my generation is doing a piss poor job of making these newbies' transitions smoother and more solid. we have great experience. are we just bogart-ing this? doesn't matter. somewhere, somehow, i am going to do a better job of lighting a way.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Ralph Waldo Emerson
well i am off to the grand lake colorado for a 4 day retreat at the shadowcliff lodge. it is the 1st getaway i have had since last october. i hope it's restful. i definitely need to get outta dodge.
i will be staying with a host of others at the hiv retreat. since the late 80's, the lodge has hosted hiv retreats. the owners lost their son to aids and began the tradition and a colleague took over the management of such a couple of years ago. personally, i am thankful to them all.
previously, i had mentioned that i had been offered some contract work and financial support from the state to publish the newsletter. well, it also would include supporting 2 or 3 of these retreats next summer as well as the monthly educational forums. sometimes i wonder how i landed here. so i guess i need to experience it if i am going to truly understand what i am helping to promote and support.
3 work-industry colleagues as well as a guy i dated for a very short time are going to be there. i am hoping boundaries will apply with all of these characters. or at least me.
but today, i am more focused on getting away and chillin'. i'm taking the laptop, but am not sure about posting.
ps. the post title is from a playlist i love from a canadian dj- his name is nick. you can download his work at his site. here's one of my favorite road trip grooves of the last few years (it's at least 10 years old or so, but i still love it)... here's to the weekend! kiss kiss in the rearview
"Lose your mind and come to your senses." -Fritz Perl
so many men i know have both of these items in their stories. is there a connection? if so, how deeply does it run? in many, perhaps the big question is which came first, the hiv or the meth? are men medicating their feelings around hiv? are they medicating their feelings about themselves with sex and using meth to get that sex? are they medicating with meth and sex? is the sex satisfying when on meth?
only the headlines have receded, but certainly the questions remain. i know very many men in recovery who state the problem is all their disease of addiction/alcoholism. but i wonder if the solution is that simple. are the men who stopped using without the hiv-sex-self esteem issues solved? if you take away the meth are the problems gone too? the gay boiz are still smokin tina and gettin online for pnp. it's fascinating to discern the reasoning. but i'll betcha if ya check the numbers, the greatest percentage of those engaging in pnp with viagra and group sex are those of poz guys. are they mind-erasing the reality of their activities? would they be as callous about barebacking if they didn't have the mind eraser? if meth wasn't blocking their conscience from their sexual activity, would they still be dallying in multiple partners and popping viagra like vitamins in order to go for days?
these are all activities that i have actively engaged in. i guess i am sharing my own experience and questioning a trend. it's no wonder it's found a home underground. and what are we as a culture of gay men doing to work with this? here's what they are doing in seattle...
i know of 7 people in their 40's who have died this year of complications from AIDS. but beneath that facade was the darker truth of meth and the destruction of their immune systems from heavy usage. their drug use and their sex had gone underground. now they have too.
the atmosphere was so electrically charged in the "high hair and everything black" 80's that a certain sound can bring much of that back in an instant. the music was rich and abundant, and a "world music" sound was infiltrating dance music on both sides of the pond. but there were many things going on outside the precious dance halls of our very catered-to lives, too. the world was getting smaller it seemed. and there were some new kids in town making a big splash. their names were famine, apartheid, and plague. these n'er-do-wells were not just seen on southern shores, and the connections between ourselves and africa are astounding still. the issues we were dealing with at that time are still with us, although they have evolved. most of our "aids" panic has moved to other coasts. but definitely remains in africa. if only we could mobilize that continent's nations as we have done on northern soil. but some of those nations are still dealing with genocide and hatred. we certainly would have much much more to sing about if these could disappear. still, a thread that connects our lands began then and continues to grow. remember "do they even know it's christmas" and boomtown rats' bob geldorf and his "live aid"? or the clash's "sandinista" album? (i know it's anti-america and about nicaragua, but it helped pave the path to a more social awareness) and even "sun city" by little steven? mtv and my dance hall days broadcast the beginning of my generations' understanding of our own frailty in contrast to the injustices around the globe and in our own backyard, of the world's interdependence, and the beginnings of a higher consciousness and how much impact we could have and how much power we might muster. we didn't need to take life's punches lying down. i believe we began to know ourselves as citizens of the world and the brits were leading the way.
1980s - In 1985, a State of Emergency was declared in South Africa that would last for five years. This was a result of riots and unrest that had arisen in response to Apartheid, the system of racial segregation that had been in place since the 1950s. Apartheid prohibited mixed-race marriages and sex between different ethnic groups, and categorised separate areas in which different races lived. In the same year, the government set up the country’s first AIDS Advisory Group in response to the increasingly apparent presence of HIV amongst South Africans. The first recorded case of AIDS in South Africa was diagnosed in 1982, and although initially HIV infections seemed mainly to be occurring amongst gay men, by 1985 it was clear that other sectors of society were also affected. Towards the end of the decade, as the abolition of Apartheid began, an increasing amount of attention was paid to the AIDS crisis.
"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be so brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God: Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson
today i am sharing the newsletter i have been working on with the SIN tribe. it's our second edition, and i think the guys have done quite an admirable job. there are so many people who work on this and it is really a feeling of accomplishment to have it done. now, i can't wait for the next one.
and on some level, i hope it does shake some things up here in denver. i don't think non poz men are overtly prejudiced, but i do think that avoidance and the sounds of silence from both poz and not-poz can affect a new positive man's self image negatively. i do hope in a small way that such a publication with words and with pictures allow my peers to see themselves a little easier and feel a little less alien.
i have always loved this song. i choose it for its spunk and a naive rebellious quality that its percussion heralds. the lyrics mirror a trek to mecca that is so eerily like one which is so common and so vital for many gay boys from small towns in america. they adventure to the cities intending to experience and to express their sense of self among "community". and hiv is a part of some of these boys' stories. lyrics here
it's really very interesting right now. i am not employed full time, yet i seem to be quite busy. i am actively trying to rustle up articles for the next SIN newsletter. and i still have to write my column.
My life is changing just as quickly as i type. there definitely is a new life waiting in the wings, and a plethora of new experiences.i only have to hold faith. somehow i am feeling blessed with the volunteer work i am doing. in my post today, i am including an article that one of the guys of SIN has written because i think it explains one good reason why i feel expanding gay men's hiv community in denver is so important. i met this young man at the UB2 in january. when he told me he had just found out his status last september- he won my heart. here is what he has written. at 27, he strikes me as exceptionally aware. it's not a short read, but i believe it merits the time it takes. i hope you agree.
The Second Closet
As for someone who has been diagnosed with HIV for less than a year, it hardly seems appropriate that I would be writing on life as a young, positive gay man. In fact my HIV knowledge was so low before that when my doctor walked in the room and confirmed that I was indeed positive, the first thing I thought was "I am going to die; maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. But in 20 years, I will definitely be dead." Luckily it only took me two days to get in to see the specialist. I quickly learned that a healthy lifestyle and proper medication management would be my tools for a normal life expectancy. Essentially, I now had something like diabetes. But I did not feel like a diabetic person. I felt much worse, much more embarrassed, and definitely ashamed. I dreaded the idea of telling my family. I had no clue which friends I could trust and rely on. I secretly met men over the internet that were in the same shoes, many of whom were older. "There will be a time when you don't even think about it anymore," one guy told me. "I wouldn't recommend telling anyone!" a different guy warned. "And don't tell anyone about me!" This was indeed one of the most confusing times in my life. Yet it all felt too familiar. I kept wondering where I had heard this kind of stuff before. And then it hit me: I was in a second closet. Only this time I would not be a gay kid trying to open up to a heterosexual world. Instead, I would be an HIV positive man trying to find acceptance in a gay world. From an outsider perspective, this doesn't make sense. The gay community is supposed to be not only accepting of this disease but extremely supportive. There are fundraisers, galas, walks and balls galore to benefit HIV. So why would someone feel such shame and the need to go into hiding for a second round? I definitely do no not know the answer to this, but I seem to witness it on a regular basis. Many of the men I met on-line discussed the topic of disclosure. Some of these guys hid their status from their families. Others talked about how it should be kept out of the workplace. One guy even kept it secret from his closest friends, gay or not. He advised me to not tell any sexual hook-ups as well as to wait at least six months to tell anyone that I meet. I even saw trends like this when my HIV negative boyfriend had to tell his volleyball teammates that he would be missing the next game. Like a wave of the magician's hand, he easily distracted his peers to avoid any mention of the HIV community forum we would be attending. His intentions were to respect my privacy. However it also felt like he was trying his best not to "out" me. From my own personal observation, the second closet seems to occur more in the younger generations and newly diagnosed persons such as myself. Pretty much all of the men I met that were above the age of forty were out and honest about their status. Some even spoke of their HIV as a badge of honor and survival. And in a way, the long term survivors are kind of like those who have been to war. Although the battles may have been different, certainly watching your peers die could have felt the same. "Being in the closet about HIV is an insult to those who have died," one man told me over some Chinese food. "Guys do not know how lucky they have it now with these medications. We weren’t so lucky then. And now they have the balls to hide it? It is offensive!" Even though his view point may have been a bit extreme, I couldn’t help but kind of agree with him. Prior to my diagnosis, I didn't really know anyone with HIV, especially in my age group. So when I found out I was positive, it all left me feeling lonely. Suddenly I was the child on the playground that no one wanted to play with because he had cooties. This train of thought can’t be healthy for anyone living with disease. Younger generations function on a different level than older generations. Whether we like to admit it or not, people in their twenties and thirties are much more concerned with image. We work harder to get laid than we do to put money in our 401k. Young gay men are definitely no exception to this. Some proclaim that they do not care what people think because they worked hard to accept their sexuality and come out of the closet. Ironically, these are some of the same guys who desperately hope that others see the Prada label on their shirt while at the bar. It is human nature for us to receive social gratification from one other. As Charles Cooley described it in his theory of the "Looking Glass Self," we view ourselves as how we think others perceive us. And we would be naive to think that the stigma of HIV does not run any risk of social rejection. If any of us experience this rejection, no doubt we would internalize it and feel even worse about ourselves. So it seems blatantly obvious as to why someone would stay in this closet. Even though the closet may offer some level of safety in a social aspect (and probably a better sex life), it essentially just causes an ironic cycle of stigma. When one person gets diagnosed, they feel the shame of the stigma. They then go into the closet and do not talk openly about their status with their gay peers. This reduces the amount of awareness which then sends the message that HIV is not prevalent in our community. This also sends the message that someone should feel shamed when they are diagnosed. So when another guy finds out he is positive, he ends up feeling even more alone and scared. Therefore he enters the closet and the cycle happens all over again. To make matters worse, individuals who lack any support systems are more likely to turn to dangerous resources in order to cope such as drugs or even suicide. But does coming out about our status really help reduce the stigma? It certainly seems like it. Again, it appears to really parallel itself with coming out as being gay or lesbian. There was a time when only a few persons were "out" about being gay. These were the elephant freak shows of society. But the more people opened up about their sexuality, the more strong social advancements were made. And today, the ones who reject homosexuality can often be seen as their own little freak shows. Other cities perhaps are proving this as well. I have heard stories of far off lands with names such as "New York" or "San Francisco" where there is so much awareness about HIV that people in the community do not even care if you are positive or negative. You just are who you are (as long as you have a six pack anyway). Granted, Denver is no New York or San Francisco. Our city may have grown a lot, but we still have a small town attitude towards a lot of things. Our gay community is just as guilty of this, whether we like to admit it or not. The community has done an amazing job at raising money towards programs and non-profits related to HIV. But now is the time to start raising social awareness in order to reduce the undeserved stigma of this disease. And social groups like Strength In Numbers is a great place to start. This way, people do not have to go into hiding when they hear what may be some of the worst possible news of their lives. I personally may have not had a whole lot of time with HIV. At his point, I still kind of feel like I am dancing with the devil. But that will stop only if I take the steps to stop it. I know I can continue to attend any SIN events in order to gain more comfort with my positive status. Talking to other guys (especially around my age) can only help me feel normal again. And with that, I can obtain the courage to be honest with my fellow gay man and not enter the closet for a second time. I can show that if HIV can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I may receive some criticism along the way. But if I can help just one other person not feel like a freak, then it will be worth it.
As a much more hiv-experienced man, i believe that so many of the guys with survival time like me have so much to offer these young men, and for us to expect them to make this journey on their own is unthinkable. i don't want to tell men like him how to live with this, just be available in case he needs a shoulder or a hand and remind him that indeed surviving AND thriving can be done. i mean, this alone shapes a truly priceless reason for me to have come this far, n'est ce pas?
what do i remember about those gay nineties? i know that throughout the first half i lived like i was dodging a bullet. in my head, in my heart, in my soul, i was ducking, bobbing, weaving, hiding, and running away from the great possibility of the times. that dying thing that so many gay men were doing then. it was overwhelming, really. so mind boggling that most of my peers were walking with ptsd. everywhere we looked around us, we were fading. we were diminishing. we were disappearing.
then in 96, dr ho and his miracle cocktail came out of the woodwork. it was very much like oz, after the house squashed the wicked witch of the west. gay men we had stopped seeing started to come out of hiding. our lives shifted. in the space of 2 years or so, the once permanent darkness was fading and blue skies and sunshine once again became part of the landscape. come out, come out wherever you are became the phrase of the moment- in many more ways than one.
just like the seventies and the eighties, the nineties are a miracle time in the history of gay american culture. hell gay culture and well, culture everywhere for that matter. the quilt, the march on washington, the red ribbon campaign, the healthcare system makeover, the cocktail. the scourge is not over. the war has not ceased. there is no truce yet. there are many, many casualties still. on our little continent though, that decade brought a miracle. and i am humbled, still, to this day as i look out on the horizon.
i know i will always remember the 90's. it was just like going over niagra falls in a barrel. scary as hell while i was in it, but such a relief and feeling of accomplishment and blessing to have survived. it was definitely an adventure. i know my nineties were gay.
For Carlos, bug chasing is mostly about the excitement of doing something that everyone else sees as crazy and wrong. Keeping this part of his life secret is part of the turn-on for Carlos, which is not his real name. That forbidden aspect makes HIV infection incredibly exciting for him, so much so that he now seeks out sex exclusively with HIV-positive men. "This is something that no one knows about me," Carlos says. "It's mine. It's my dirty little secret." He compares bug chasing to the thrill that you get by screwing your boyfriend in your parents' house, or having sex on your boss' desk. You're not supposed to do it, and that's exactly what makes it so much fun, he says, laughing.
Type T's" Farley, former president of the American Psychological Association, has studied people who have what he calls "type T" (thrill-seeking) personalities. These men and women thrive on the uncertainty and the intensity associated with activities that most people consider to be hair-raising -- from riding roller coasters to bungee jumping. "Sky divers will tell you it's the thrill, the rush, and a little element of fear that motivates them to push themselves to the extreme," he says.
According to Farley, some people enjoy the physical sensations that can accompany being scared -- from the adrenaline rush to the racing heart to the perspiring palms. In his studies of people who thrive on riding roller coasters, "there's almost nothing else, including sex, that can match it in terms of the incredible sensory experience that the body is put through."
as part of our first outreach attempt, strength in numbers colorado will be making a trip down to colorado springs and beyond to enjoy a ride on the cog railway up to the peak. we will be making this short trip on december 2nd and hopefully we will meet some existing members from the springs and meet some new poz guys who are interested in joining in the fun. the views from the peak can be spectacular.
here is some information on the railway: cog railway
i am happy to be a part of this particular organization. i am in the place in my life to be celebrating my life in a way that wasn't possible before. i also am of the mind that poz men need to stick together and organize so that as we age, we can do it with other gay men's eyes and hearts. i don't want to get older and have to go back into the closet. i broken too many rules for that.
somehow, i have been graced to become the online moderator for the Colorado chapter. we had a meeting today and have some fun things coming up. we would love you to join the fun, meet new people, and learn a little about thriving.
perhaps there is a chapter in your city. support them if you can. there are still men testing positive and the community support for them is not the same as it was back in the 80's and 90's.
