the schedule is new. the people are new. the place is new. the duties are completely new.
i am slowly feeling as if i am assimilating into this new reality. i am sure that the challenges will come forward, but as of yet it has been a fairly painless transition. i am to be working in 3 clinic locations during the week and have yet to really experience the scattering of intention that may bring. i know that these are the busiest hiv clinics in the city and there will be ample opportunity to interact with people with many levels of relationship to drugs and alcohol.
my position is as an sbirt screener. it is part of a statewide effort to offer individual level interventions to persons with regard to their imbibing habits. it is said that 5 percent of coloradans have an addiction or serious abuse issue, 25 percent have heavy and over-use issues and that the other 70 percent don't fall into those categories. it is also believed that interventions with a few from the 70 percent category may prevent them from moving into one of the higher risk categories, especially if they are offered in a health care setting. to me, this seems it could be a blessing.
today's sound choice is silversun pickups with "panic switch" i really loved their last big hit "lazy eye". i still listen to it regularly. there's something about the sound that hooks me...
Definition of Anhedonia Anhedonia: Loss of the capacity to experience pleasure. The inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences. Anhedonia is a core clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia, and some other mental illnesses.
An anhedonic mother finds no joy from playing with her baby. An anhedonic football fan is not excited when his team wins. An anhedonic teenager feels no pleasure from passing the driving test.
"Anhedonia" is derived from the Greek "a-" (without) "hedone" (pleasure, delight). Other words derived from "hedone" include hedonism (a philosophy that emphasizes pleasure as the main aim of life), hedonist (a pleasure-seeker), and hedonophobia (an excessive and persistent fear of pleasure).
anhedonia is a brain condition that can be brought about by prolonged stimulant abuse. the brain forms many extra dopamine receptors in response to it getting flooded by huge bursts of the chemical on a regular basis. it is fooled into thinking there is so much available that it needs to form more receptors to handle the flow.
once a person tries to stop their meth or cocaine use, the brain does not automatically understand this. the extra receptors are still active. they are like munchkins waiting for the arrival of glinda. and when glinda (the big dopamine dumps) doesn't come, they panic and cause the brain to react in a highly agitated and negative fashion.
being used to big highs and big lows, the brain can initially only understand that it doesn't feel anything close to what it's used to. it only feels nothing. it doesn't remember happiness or pleasure. it only feels empty.
this is anhedonia.
if you or someone you know is in early recovery, this can easily be a by-product of getting clean or sober. there is no real quick fix. the brain takes time to heal. plenty of liquids, good sleep, and antioxidants and free radicals can be helpful though. and so can a friend with a great sense of humor.
it can be quite a challenge to comfort a friend while they are in the throes of anhedonia. they may easily become emotional about the loss of pleasure. they may not remember the pleasure they had, even yesterday. they may convince themselves they have never felt such a thing as good. and they may be frightened they will never feel it again.
their brain may be fooling them into a relapse.
for more information on anhedonia and relapse, consult with a mental health or substance use professional in your area. if none are available try findin one through nimh. a person can definitely weather the storm that is anhedonia. i found help through a higher power.
well i am off to the grand lake colorado for a 4 day retreat at the shadowcliff lodge. it is the 1st getaway i have had since last october. i hope it's restful. i definitely need to get outta dodge.
i will be staying with a host of others at the hiv retreat. since the late 80's, the lodge has hosted hiv retreats. the owners lost their son to aids and began the tradition and a colleague took over the management of such a couple of years ago. personally, i am thankful to them all.
previously, i had mentioned that i had been offered some contract work and financial support from the state to publish the newsletter. well, it also would include supporting 2 or 3 of these retreats next summer as well as the monthly educational forums. sometimes i wonder how i landed here. so i guess i need to experience it if i am going to truly understand what i am helping to promote and support.
3 work-industry colleagues as well as a guy i dated for a very short time are going to be there. i am hoping boundaries will apply with all of these characters. or at least me.
but today, i am more focused on getting away and chillin'. i'm taking the laptop, but am not sure about posting.
ps. the post title is from a playlist i love from a canadian dj- his name is nick. you can download his work at his site. here's one of my favorite road trip grooves of the last few years (it's at least 10 years old or so, but i still love it)... here's to the weekend! kiss kiss in the rearview
the newest edition of icp is now up. this month it is being hosted at drop dead happy.... there are some very diverse perspectives on HIV/AIDS in the world today. i strongly urge you to visit the site and support its mission and expand your own view of what is going on in the world around the 25 year old virus today.
when you click on the site and scroll down you will see one of my posts from last month entitled "abysmal baptismal". i am proud to support the carnival as HIV as well as AIDS have touched my life personally almost the entirety of the years it has been in our knowledge.
i also really love queen latifahs new cd trav'lin light. here are samples from that cd
so, as most of you know, i've been poz since '85. i have a tendency to think i've got most of my health situation under control. or at least i like to think that. but since october, most of my life has been a tilt-a-whirl. this would definitely include some of the pieces i consider "handled" around my health care.
i switched jobs in august. i was working for 2 years as an hiv client advocate- mostly connecting poz persons to services and working out situations that were really barriers to treatment, or continuing treatment. in august, the grants that a clinic i have been working with part time for a year were awarded, and that awarded enough(tongue in cheek)salary for me to just work full time at that clinic. i became a full time substance abuse counselor, and have also been developing (when time allows) some outreach and a gay men's treatment program for denver metro. this is truly a privilege and i try to do the best i can.
well, with the shift of jobs, came a shift of insurance. the new company required me to be working full time for 90 days before i became eligible. the gracious company i had worked for previously just paid for my insurance until the shift took place. (either i am a good employee, or my old boss is benevolent, or both?)
but i received a letter dated nov 9 from my old insurance company telling me that my benefits and coverage were discontinued as of oct 31. i received the letter on nov 14. i informed my current job of the situation and the processing for the new insurance company began. this was a month early and i was caught off guard completely. i was out of one of my hiv meds on the 17th of november. i called the help line at my old pharmacy, and they informed me that the best they could offer was to perhaps fill the prescription and i could pick it up a full price( about $900) but, luckily a friend had enough to loan me 10 days worth.
but after 10 days, still no new coverage. i called the state health department person who handles ADAP (Aids Drug Assistance Program) to see if they could help.he told me that they would but not until monday and then he loaned me three days of meds to get me through the weekend. luckily my salary is low enough that i qualify for assistance and was processed. the local main hospital would help, but they required me to sit through a 2 1/2 hour intake procedure, which i really didn't have the time to do this day. then another city said they could help. all i needed to do was fax my driver's license and get my current expired prescription information, they would call that clinic and transfer and fill that prescription. i did drive way across town to get this accomplished and then 2 hours later i received a call that my original insurance had never expired. i was still active. i phoned in a refill and we shall see what happens on thursday.
you know the truth is, this adventure has been more than just a little emotional for me. i have a good support system in place and i have people i can count on to try to help me when necessary. i honestly cannot imagine how difficult this same scenario is (and i'm sure it happens) for people who don't have the grounded lifestyle i am privy to. or don't have the patience to ride it out.
and on another note, this is so very similar to other chases i have been on in order to obtain drugs. but this was much more serene and civilized than my memories of those wild goose chases. never wanna go back there...
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