beneath the surface

image credit: todd essick

it's funny. sometimes, when i look at my life, i become frustrated because i feel i have so much left to do and should be so much further along with that- especially at my age. but then i do have to stop and remember where my life and my heart were just a few years ago. in the toilet.

i have struggles these days, and not small ones at times, but when i look at how much my life has changed by letting go of the past and letting go of old habits, i am vindicated. if i take a closer look, i remember that beneath the surface, there is so much joy and relief, that my frustrations really evaporate like snocones in the summer sun when i use the tools provided me.

i had my taxes done yesterday and found out the refund amount i was expecting wasn't happening. you would have thought that i had been robbed at gunpoint. my behavior was shameless, childish, and hideous. i have to make an amends to the the tax preparer. still, the tools i have learned about coping with life through the 12step process did save me from spinning out of control and reverting to old coping skills.

treating someone with ignorance in a situation(and then doing my best to make it right) is such an improvemnt over getting angry silently and then drowning my own emotions with a flood of amped "feelgood" followed by hours of guilt and agony is a huge leap forward.

the love i have for my life now has begun to feel like a part of me. i can understand my own behaviors and those of the folks around me with so much more empathy. i am learning to accept the inevitability of most things not going "my way" and really being okay with it. i am learning i can be happy that someone else is happy, whereas before it was always about me being happy.

sidenote: one of my posts was picked up by this month's international carnival of positivities. it is a collection of works by and about persons living with hiv/aids. it always humbles me to expand my view of what i think i know about this virus/disease. and as this month's host gently points out, there are about 65 million of us living with hiv on the planet these days.

below is a remix of an old beegees classic by Supreme Beings of Leisure. I have a channel on Pandora named after them(I do like the group that much). plus, in the sidebar, you'll find a finetune player featuring a mixed tape by dj dream. take the time to check it out. i think he's done a damn fine job and i've been playing his mixes everywhere i go..

international carnival of pozitivities

image credit: next nature

the newest edition of icp is now up. this month it is being hosted at drop dead happy.... there are some very diverse perspectives on HIV/AIDS in the world today. i strongly urge you to visit the site and support its mission and expand your own view of what is going on in the world around the 25 year old virus today.

when you click on the site and scroll down you will see one of my posts from last month entitled "abysmal baptismal". i am proud to support the carnival as HIV as well as AIDS have touched my life personally almost the entirety of the years it has been in our knowledge.

i also really love queen latifahs new cd trav'lin light. here are samples from that cd

national aids strategy

No comprehensive plan guides strategic use of
AIDS-related dollars or holds government agencies
accountable for steadily improved outcomes.

thanks to lifefube for the heads up on this one! And I would just like to add that just because people are not dying the way they did 20 years ago, in no way is it acceptable that people are seroconverting at the rate they still are. especially in the gay men's community. in some circles i have heard that it is inevitable that all men will be poz by the time they are 60. I wholeheartedly say "poppycock". this is absurd. that's something the "focus on the family" camp would spout, but not my own locker room. and it's pretty obvious that just nodding to wrapping ourselves in latex isn't the most effective strategy.


Call for a National AIDS Strategy for the US
AIDS is a national crisis. The next President of the U.S. should develop a results-oriented AIDS strategy.

The wealthiest nation in the world is failing its own people in responding to the AIDS epidemic at home. Consider that in the U.S.:

Every year, 40,000 people are newly infected with HIV. The HIV infection rate has not fallen in 15 years.
Over a million people are living with HIV. In 2002, an estimated half of people living with HIV/AIDS were not in care.
African Americans represent 13% of the population but nearly half of all new HIV infections. In 2004, HIV/AIDS was the leading cause of death among black women ages 25 - 34.
The unsatisfactory outcomes from our country’s response to AIDS have serious human and economic costs. A study published in 2003 found that failure to meet the government’s then goal of reducing HIV infections by half would lead to $18 billion in excess expenses through 2010.

The U.S. must develop what it asks of other nations it supports in combating AIDS: a national strategy to achieve improved and more equitable results.

To be effective, a national AIDS strategy should…

Improve prevention and treatment outcomes through reliance on evidence-based programming
Set ambitious and credible prevention and treatment targets and require annual reporting on progress towards goals
Identify clear priorities for action across federal agencies and assign responsibilities and timelines for follow-through
Include, as a primary focus, the prevention and treatment needs of African Americans, other communities of color, gay men of all races, and other groups at elevated risk
Address social factors that increase vulnerability to infection
Promote a strengthened HIV prevention and treatment research effort
Involve many sectors in developing the national strategy: government, business, community, civil rights organizations, faith based groups, researchers, and people living with HIV/AIDS
Please sign on now so your voice can be heard. click here to sign:

international carnival of pozitivities

i received this from ron hudson at ICP and thought i would pass it along. i think that the more perspectives that get added, the more hearty the finished product. (if it ever is finished!) and i am really glad hiv plus people have a voice. it really is lacking in my city and i am trying to rally some support to address that. i am not convinced blogging is the approach to this in denver just yet, but we'll see. i've been wrong more occasions than i remember.


Dear Friends of the International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP):


We have published the first edition of the ICP for Year Two and now have set our sights on the 14th consecutive edition of this forum for people living with HIV/AIDS and their allies. Our next host is Jim Johnson of Straight, Not Narrow. At this time, we are requesting your submissions of articles, personal stories, artwork, poetry, music, and other messages about living with HIV/AIDS or about supporting someone who does.

Please consider submitting your work to help us fight the stigma of HIV/AIDS and to present a real vision of what it is like to live with HIV/AIDS around the world. Our deadline for submissions is 2 August 2007 at midnight New York time. If you would like to contribute something, but do not have a blog of your own, email me to submit your work as a guest writer at 2sides2ron, my personal blog.

As usual, I am still seeking hosts for future editions of the ICP. Please visit the ICP homepage and consider whether or not you would like to host a future edition. In addition, please consider linking your site to ours by including these sites in your blogroll or by including announcements of publication and calls for submissions. Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

Safe Journeys!

Ron Hudson

2sides2ron
Poundcake Love
The International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP)

then, i have always loved this group. a couple of good dance hits, and then of course one of my all time favorites "don't leave". this is faithless. and somehow, i thought this song may be a bit apropos. the lyrics are tender.and the idea that only with mellowing are we able to relax and fit in. but maybe we lose much of our passion and our ability to make a change in the world if we do that as well....

i'm off to the gym.

blessings be!

Faithless ft dido - one step too far
Uploaded by hakim93200

You can sleep forever
But still you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone
But still you won't find peace
With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind
With you I feel I'm just spending wasting time

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
Its always one step too far
One step too far

You can walk too far
But still you won't be found
You can look down on the world
But still you won't find love
You won't find love

Maxi Jazz:
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
If the sun or the moon should give way to doubt,
They would immediately go out.
One swallow don't make a summer,
But tomorrow has to start somewhere.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
One swallow

beautiful

if you are struggling with your drug use, or with your life without drugs, please know you are not the first and you are definitely not alone. it is a challenge, this trek back to sanity. but it does have a payoff. more than just one payoff at that. stick with it, ask for help, take it easy, and talk about it, whenever you can. spend time with someone who understands. and forgive yourself. that's a really great start. it's a fucking tough climb, but it is worth the effort. don't get high. you've already done that. doing the same shit only brings more of the same shit. try something different. you're worth it.

BEAUTIFUL Christina Aguilera
Uploaded by avajra

international carnival of positivities

ron hudson has kindly sent me a notice that one of my posts has been picked up for this month's international carnival of positivities. i couldn't be more pleased. i love the concept of the carnivals and have put in my time as a poz man and am graced to have something to contribute to the overall understanding.

please take the time to visit this month's carnival.

and this should go along with the basic theme of the carnival this month: