creating change in my life is not a simple endeavor. it can be very easy to decide to change, and it is not difficult to desire something different, or to visualize myself in another situation. i can even go so far as to make plans on how to get to that place of change. this is not complicated. i.e.- i want to bulk up in my chest and pecs. i will start to go to the gym a little extra time and spend that time concentrating my energy on building those body parts. i can picture my arms with bigger guns (or grown up puppies as it were) and with my long ignored almost man-boobs having shrunk and firmed up so tight that i can bounce a quarter off them.
all this is easy. and it's fun, imagining this change in my life. and i have imgagined change just like this on many occasions in many different areas of my life. the difficulty for me is taking the steps to make that change plan work. getting up earlier every day and actually spending that time concentrating on those body parts. doing the time at the gym and working those muscles. tracking my growth so that i not only imagine the change and the growth, but documenting it so i have proof and i have extra incentive. and if i get to the space i want to be with my body, then diligently keeping up the work that it took to get me there.
this is the difficult part of change. action stage and maintenance stage in the stages of change model. taking the steps, doing the work, and continuing to do the work to maintain the benefits. it has to become part of my life if i want it to stay.
the beauty of this to me is that i can begin this at any stage of my life. and i can use this model for change in almost every aspect of my life. including the way i think about and treat myself. i am soooooo thankful for the insight this little model gives me. thankful too, that i get a chance to attempt to be a better person.
each of these incarnations brought us a new species. a new life. each one vital. each one fresh. and i am a huge fan of each. now my question: are they connected to one other? is there evolution here? i think that i am just looking for an excuse to give a nod to willaim s burroughs. he was incredibly inventive and smart. he also had a drug problem, killed his wife by accident playing william tell using a pistol(?) and lived as a gay man in later life. many of his stories became the seeds for screenplays and scripts later on. click here for a quick bio and an interesting compendium of his work. but the "cutup" technique that bryan gysin and he developed seems to have crossed over into another art form or two (or more). burroughs influence so many talented writers and musicians during his lifetime, but one of my favorites was laurie anderson. she admired his "language is a virus" concept and really took it to a fun and introspective plateau. and i wonder about the residual evolution in these cases:
then apply the same theory to a musical recording and evolve to the emcee's and the remix: i got 2 turntables and a microphone
and apply the cutup technique to music with film and morph to the current version- the mashup:
i will be posting from the roundup in winter park for the next coupla days. just a reminder for people: recovery from drugs, alcohol, and self-loathing is completely possible and in most cases where diligence is applied, unfailingly works!
thanks to lifelube for the heads up on this story from out.com.
barebacking and safesex practices are evolving under our very noses and the discourse is disjointed and full of innuendo and assumptions. i personally believe that gay men have moved from a strict party line postition to a more individual and personal decision stance and this has happened quite organically.
the really strange thing is trying to figure out where men get their information and how much is actual knowledge versus wishful thinking and chatroom blabber. and then there is the denial thing. didn't we lose so many of our best (friends) and brightest? has barebacking brought us closer together? has it taught us to love one another any more? are we taking care of each other through this transition? are we taking care of ourselves?
the conversation continues with this next article by james gavin:
Baring the Truth
After decades of scrupulous condom use, bareback porn is proliferating—with a corresponding rise in HIV infections. The collective silence is deafening.
there is a coffeehouse near my home which i visit everyday. vanilla latte and a ham and cheese croissant. it rarely waivers and it is one of the more consistent aspects to my current lifestyle.
i have become well-acquainted with most of the staff there over time, but there are a couple of people who really stand out for me. jenna and gio. i actually see jenna more often 'cuz she works on sunday morning and i usually go in after my run around city park. i work very part time in private dining and she is a caterer and cook, she loves art, and so we always seem to have things to chat and joke about. and her husband gio is very hospitable and charming. he is from brazil, he is an artist, is in a band, and is the sweetest guy on the planet. (at least when it comes to me)
i am going to highlight his website today. his art consists of developing a science fiction adventure and using dolls to photograph, catalog, and document his characters evolution and to motor the storyline. so when you check out his site, know well that, on any given day, he can be found around denver posing his dolls and taking multiple photographs, working in the early hours and the wee hours. and that he is dedicated and for me it is completely enchanting.
here is some background taken from his site:
Historical facts: In an undisclosed area in the US, lays a natural pond once part of the Mulberry Ridge National Laboratory. The pond was used during the early 1970's by the Marine Corps for training in recon maneuvers and later by Dr. Louis Kawamoto, during experiments with the Space Reactor Program (Nuclear Thermal Propulsion). After The Nuclear Waste Policy Act of 1982 was signed, the site became a Nuclear Dump Site for its unusual great depth. Since 1990, DOE's Office of Environmental Restoration and Waste Management (EM) have decontaminated and dismantled more than a 100 contaminated facilities across the country including the Mulberry Ridge Pond.
In 2002, three EPA Research Biologists disappeared while conducting experiments in the pond and the Department of Navy has also reported two missing soldiers from a Marine Corp Recon Squad training in the area. There is speculation in the scientific community that the pond was never completely decontaminated. There are even accounts from some Marine soldiers about oversized plants and strange animals around the pond's adjoining regions. A year later after an unsuccessful rescue for the missing biologists turned tragic with a helicopter crash, the US Marine Corps deployed small patrol/recon units called Fire Teams to protect the area.
This is the story of "Pond Patrol Third Force Recon Team" the 4th group designated by the US Government to the Mulberry Ridge Pond. This is the first team to include an EPA Researcher and a Scientist to study the pond's ecosystem. It is also the first team to have its own marked AH/MH-6 Little Bird helicopter and pilot.
he has developed his own g.i.joe stopmotion film, which will be debuting on sept 20 at the bug theatre at the gi joe fest. a couple of bands will be playing that night to enhance a "festival" feel.
his site is pondpatrol. i salute you gio for following your dream. so many of us are not able to do this for one reason or another. and you are remaining true to your mind's eye.
so i am posting this from youtube as well, with complete tongue in cheek. love you madly..
i was reading the summer edition of the crystal clear newsletter published by nycma and i was inspired. i don't know if you've read it, but it really emphasizes and punctuates the fact that recovery is not a task that is complished alone. it takes other people to support and expand our version of what recovery should look like. even the folks who seem to have a program working that we find difficulty in connecting with. those persons, sometimes, can be our best teachers.
the newsletter also has a good article about looking for a sober superhero and it spoke to me. i have so many expectations of people i meet these days, especially people in recovery. i didn't realize that i was expecting too much (maybe) from the people who have gotten clean and are in my life now. after all, we all still have many of the same other struggles. but the real question is when did my own recovery stop being enough? when did i start again to look for answers from others?
if you haven't read the crystal clear newsletter or seen the nycma website, then i would suggest it. or better yet, look at some of the literature available and place an order and please do so with your heart open. the new collection of stories by people in recovery from meth "expressions of hope" is heartfelt and beautiful. there is more and more support out in the blogosphere, the world, and beyond for people who have a desire to quit using meth, or are even considering it. it this sounds like you, i encourage you to take advantage of this help. and if you have any questions- email me or anyone on the blogroll - leave a comment- reaching out and asking for help may save your ass. just don't hope that any folks in recovery are any better than you are . no super powers here. all most of us have is an honest desire to pass along some of this blessing we call recovery. it is the most valuable gift we can give.
i received this from ron hudson at ICP and thought i would pass it along. i think that the more perspectives that get added, the more hearty the finished product. (if it ever is finished!) and i am really glad hiv plus people have a voice. it really is lacking in my city and i am trying to rally some support to address that. i am not convinced blogging is the approach to this in denver just yet, but we'll see. i've been wrong more occasions than i remember.
Dear Friends of the International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP):
We have published the first edition of the ICP for Year Two and now have set our sights on the 14th consecutive edition of this forum for people living with HIV/AIDS and their allies. Our next host is Jim Johnson of Straight, Not Narrow. At this time, we are requesting your submissions of articles, personal stories, artwork, poetry, music, and other messages about living with HIV/AIDS or about supporting someone who does.
Please consider submitting your work to help us fight the stigma of HIV/AIDS and to present a real vision of what it is like to live with HIV/AIDS around the world. Our deadline for submissions is 2 August 2007 at midnight New York time. If you would like to contribute something, but do not have a blog of your own, email me to submit your work as a guest writer at 2sides2ron, my personal blog.
As usual, I am still seeking hosts for future editions of the ICP. Please visit the ICP homepage and consider whether or not you would like to host a future edition. In addition, please consider linking your site to ours by including these sites in your blogroll or by including announcements of publication and calls for submissions. Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated.
Safe Journeys!
Ron Hudson
2sides2ron Poundcake Love The International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP)
then, i have always loved this group. a couple of good dance hits, and then of course one of my all time favorites "don't leave". this is faithless. and somehow, i thought this song may be a bit apropos. the lyrics are tender.and the idea that only with mellowing are we able to relax and fit in. but maybe we lose much of our passion and our ability to make a change in the world if we do that as well....
You can sleep forever But still you will be tired You can stay as cold as stone But still you won't find peace With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind With you I feel I'm just spending wasting time
I've been waiting I'm still waiting I've been waiting I've been waiting I've been waiting I'm still waiting I'm with you (with you) Its always one step too far One step too far
You can walk too far But still you won't be found You can look down on the world But still you won't find love You won't find love
Maxi Jazz: Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. If the sun or the moon should give way to doubt, They would immediately go out. One swallow don't make a summer, But tomorrow has to start somewhere. Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. Don't Let nothing ride you Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. Don't Let nothing ride you One swallow
so i really find myself enjoying checking out casual in istanbul. there is much eye candy posted there, which really is another whole addiction, but there is also a different agreement field in the posts. maybe it's about not taking himself (themselves) so seriously or something.
anyway, there is an homage to nijinsky posted there. gifted artist, most likely a hedonist, and just as likely a tortured soul. no doubt he was in the same spirit family. he said yes to pleasure and pushed the envelope. took chances and communicated his truth. some of these are things i am familiar with. all i have witnessed at some point in my life in awe. and still do. these are characteristics of my culture that i am most proud of. and most likely to defend. it is, after all, about the dance.
i believe he is recently out of rehab and we wonder if it helped. we wish him the best luck in the universe....
and here are lyrics for a new song of his..
robbie williams- bodies...
Lyrics:
God gave me the sunshine And showed me my lifeline I was told it was all mine And I got raped down a layline Got a day What a day Jesus really died for me I guess Jesus really tried for me
You gain an antropy I feel like it's fucking me A love lead of the energy Love living like a deity Won a day What a day Jesus really died for me I guess Jesus really tried for me
Bodies in the body tree Bodies making chemistry Bodies on my family Bodies in the way I mean Bodies in the cemetery And that's the way it's got to be
Got to be rejection From my reflection I want perfection
and on a different note.... here is the entire transcript of susan kingston's talk on the hype behind the meth epidemic. thanks to chicago aids foundation for this closer look.
i know this has been posted around before but i find it funny, albeit not in a be kind to animals way. and here's an interesting background story to accompany this.
so the visit comes to a close. it's bittersweet at least. i have had my heart opened quite a bit this time around. the visit to see my cousin laura in rogers park was savory. we had dinner at heartland cafe and then sauntered down glenwood avenue and watched the jumpin' jive at the mess hall before we dropped her at her door.
i spent the next day at the field museum casually taking in the cool globes exhibit around the museum camp walk. my friend bob anderson has a globe in that exhibit. it was a pleasant afternoon and a great walk but my hunger stirred. so i stopped at grant park and had a bite at taste of chicago. let's see. i had mustard fried catfish, sweet potato fries, and some fried artichoke, too. and finished the whole thing with some home made fudge. yum... nice and diet free.
walked through millennium park and watched the kids play in the water for awhile. thought about stopping at the art institute, but opted for some shopping downtown. couldn't resist filene's basement. but i could resist buying. something must be up.
anyway, walked by macy's, if only to mourn marshall fields one more time. then back on the redline to the addison stop where a game was in full swing at wrigley field. the sound of the crowd roared and there were not as many drunks as i remember.
off to dinner at adesso on broadway in lakeview. we took a table outside and chatted up a storm. it was good to spend time with old friends and catch up with what's new. great people watching, but the food was simply okay. it didn't matter to us though.
woke up on sunday and took a 2hour constitutional along lake michigan. the weather was perfect and blue and i had time to really catch up. we stopped for lunch at angel food which is near andersonville. absolutely charming. he had a nicoise with salmon cake, and i had waldorf salad.
we are off to see "evening" tonite. guess dinner will consist of a chili dog and fries at weiner's circle near the clark and diversey neighborhood. i really can say that it has been a marvelous time. great food. good friends. and really spectacular weather.
just as the title indicates, this is the day set aside to bring forth the idea that everyone would benefit by knowing their status. it seems that a good many of the newer seroconversions could very well be due to the fact that people are unaware of their status and engaging in behaviors and continuing the cycle. it is assumed that if they knew they were hiv plus, they probably wouldn't be as likely to engage in such behaviors.
i am really looking forward to the day. i think it probably is a good idea to get tested. if nothing more than to add to the intention of the day. i know it will be a lot of listening, but that is allright with me today. here is how i'll be spending my day. rod's day
it has not been possible to confirm the deaths karen reported.
but the waiting line to stay alive in the land of health & wealth & the capitol of the global war industry raises troublesome questions.
suppose tomorrow — national HIV testing day, 2007 — was wildly successful beyond our greatest deranged imaginings and we identified every one of those CDC-estimated quarter of a million persons with HIV infections in the united states.
National HIV Testing Day (NHTD) is an annual campaign produced by the National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA-US) to encourage at-risk individuals to receive voluntary HIV counseling and testing.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 180,000 to 280,000 people nationwide are HIV-positive but are unaware of their status. HIV counseling and testing enables people with HIV to take steps to protect their own health and that of their partners, and helps people who test negative get the information they need to stay uninfected.
Across the country, thousands of HIV counseling and testing sites, state and local health departments, and community-based HIV/AIDS service providers will participate in NHTD events, by holding health fairs, providing community and media outreach, hosting special testing-related events or operating extended hours. Some of these events may be scheduled in the days and weeks surrounding NHTD. Campaign materials including posters, for use by these groups have been developed by NAPWA and are available for order or to download.
NHTD organizers will also reach out to communities at increased risk of HIV infection, including African American and Latino populations, both of which are disproportionately affected with HIV when compared to other demographic groups in the United States. The campaign also highlights this Web site, which allows users to locate HIV testing sites in their area.
Founded in 1983, NAPWA is the oldest coalition of people living with HIV/AIDS in the world and the oldest national AIDS organization. NAPWA advocates on behalf of all people living with HIV and AIDS in order to end the pandemic and human suffering caused by HIV/AIDS. HIV-positive people have a unique role to play in HIV prevention and promotion of voluntary HIV counseling and testing. This is the thirteenth year of National HIV Testing Day.
Support of some NHTD activities is provided by federal and corporate sponsors.
Media that wish to obtain more information on NHTD should contact NAPWA. Phone: 240-247-0880. Email: NHTD@NAPWA.org.
To learn more about how to participate in NHTD, visit the NAPWA HIV Testing Day Web site, www.napwa.org/hivtestinfo/ or email nhtd@napwa.org.
and here i go- trying to keep my eyes and my heart open to what the day may bring.
today is a short post. i am hoping to start a conversation about rectal microbicides in my city. i don't hear about them much here. i only hear about them on lifelube . but the implications are exciting to me. they are exciting because i never liked giving head to a baggie. and condoms are much more work than i've ever heard eluded to. i think rectal microbicides may bring a new face, a new voice, and a fresh perspective to safer behavior and to gay men taking care of each other. just what do you think?
The Honorable Mike Leavitt Secretary, Department of Health and Human Services 200 Independence Avenue, SW Washington, DC 20201
Dear Secretary Leavitt:
The ongoing implementation of the Ryan White HIV/AIDS Treatment Modernization Act of 2006 is raising significant concerns among people living with HIV/AIDS and those who coordinate and provide their care.
While many of those concerns relate to legislative provisions over which the Department has little discretion, there are others where the Department’s actions can have a significant positive impact on the health and well-being of people living with HIV/AIDS. The organizations listed below ask that the Department act quickly to resolve the following four issues:
1. Maintain Residential Substance Abuse Treatment as an Allowable Support Service Residential substance abuse treatment is a critical component of the HIV/AIDS care continuum. In FY 2004––the most recent year for which data are publicly available––20 of the 51 Title I jurisdictions used Title I funds to support residential substance abuse treatment.• It is crucial that all jurisdictions continue to have the option of funding these services.
Residential treatment is one of the modalities included in the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s Treatment for HIV-Infected Alcohol and Other Drug Abusers, Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series: 15. Limiting funded substance abuse services to outpatient settings would contradict the first principle of the National Institute on Drug Abuse’s Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment, which states, “No single treatment is appropriate for all individuals. Matching treatment settings, interventions, and services to each individual’s particular problems and needs is critical to his or her ultimate success in returning to productive functioning in the family, workplace, and society.”
Residential substance abuse treatment services clearly meet the criteria laid out in Section 2604 (d)(1) that support services are “services, subject to the approval of the Secretary, that are needed for individuals with HIV/AIDS to achieve their medical outcomes…” Treatment of addiction is an essential part of reaching optimal medical outcomes and untreated substance abuse is a significant barrier to accessing medical care for many people living with HIV/AIDS. Many residential programs treating people living with HIV/AIDS provide on-site medical services, including support for adherence to prescribed medications. Residential substance abuse treatment is well documented as an effective treatment modality that results in significant improvement in drug use, crime, and employment , and is recognized by SAMHSA as an evidence-based treatment modality, especially for individuals with co-occurring disorders, those released from the criminal justice system, and women. It is particularly effective with homeless and marginally housed individuals. For some people living with HIV/AIDS, inpatient and residential substance abuse treatment is their first encounter with the system of care, including primary medical care.
The range of effective substance abuse treatment modalities, specifically including residential treatment, should be allowed under the “Other Support Services” category if it addresses unmet local needs.
2. Maintain Other Support Services that Meet the Legislative Criteria The list of fundable support services must include all support services “that are needed for individuals with HIV/AIDS to achieve their medical outcomes” so that grantees and planning councils can address the full range of unmet needs in their communities. There are a number of support services that help people living with HIV/AIDS access and remain in HIV care and treatment. The need for services varies from community to community, depending upon factors such as available services supported by other funding streams and the demographics and characteristics of those in care. The inclusion of all support services that meet the legislative criteria is key to ensuring that communities can continue to offer the continuum of care that meets the needs of the people living with HIV/AIDS in their jurisdictions.
3. Allow for Flexible Core Medical Services that Will Best Serve the Treatment and Care Needs of People Living with HIV/AIDS We are encouraged by the recent public statements of HRSA HIV/AIDS Bureau leadership that the agency will not issue language further defining any of the core medical services. This gives grantees and planning councils the flexibility to support core medical services that address the health needs of people living with HIV/AIDS in their communities. A timely notification from HRSA to Ryan White grantees of this fact will allow them to move forward with their planning and allocation processes.
4. Ensure Improved HRSA Guidance and Responsiveness The passage of the reauthorization legislation in the middle of FY 2007 is presenting a significant challenge for everyone––from the Department level to those working on the frontlines. As the process moves forward, it is crucial that HRSA HIV/AIDS Bureau leadership and staff communicate clearly and in a timely fashion with grantees and that they respond to grantee questions and requests for additional information promptly. Too often over the past few months, grantees have been given little time to prepare and plan for significant programmatic changes and funding shifts and important questions have been left unanswered. Grantees, planning councils, providers, and consumers are now two months into the Part A fiscal year, and any significant changes should be postponed until the next fiscal year to avoid any additional disruption of services.
We are eager to work with the Department, HRSA and HAB leadership and staff to ensure that the implementation of the reauthorization legislation best meets the needs of the people living with HIV/AIDS who depend on the Ryan White Program for their care and treatment. We offer our advice, feedback, and communication mechanisms to make this process smoother, easier, and more responsive to the needs of people living with HIV/AIDS. We look forward to your timely response to these critical issues.
This letter was signed by at least 40 large metropolitan treatment agencies. i wonder if it will have any impact. maybe this can help shed some light on the situation.
there has been a movement in sf for some years now called gay shame. it's fairly self-explanatory really. it speaks to how all the venues and events at gay events, especially around pride, are sponsored. and so many of them are sponsored by companies and corporations which either peddle alcohol or pharmaceuticals, or are run by and for people who have nothing to do with the "credo" of the rainbow flag. some might say that to be sponsored by booze is extremely apropos since so many of us develop substance use problems. and most of the boards and officers of those sponsorship companies would not have anything to do with many members of our gay community because frankly we are just too fucking foreign, twisted, and different. we celebrate anonymous sex, some of us participate in public sex, wear lewd and provocative clothing, naturally lean towards androgyny. we say yes to pleasure and publicly celebrate that fact.
but the promoters and creators of these events don't care about their personal beliefs either, because it's all about the money. as long as it doesn't affect them or their respective families or companies. it has been mentioned before that gay men in general are conditioned to just spend and party their whole lives, feeding an economy that won't support their rights to love and partner with the person their choice. sad.... and shameful....
i miss san francisco at this time of year. not because i would certainly be marching in the "gay shame" parade. but because i miss having the awareness level of such a thing on the radar. in denver, as in most cities, it is considered the norm to be sponsored by stoli and coors. and many of us feel lucky to be just that.
this "norm" is prevalent here on many levels. i will come back to this conversation on another day. i have to work through my thoughts and emotions, before i start spouting off. i just hope i don't wait too long. there is much to find shame in today. i need to pray on it and let go of the wheel.
have a happy pride weekend. celebrate life. be seen and be heard. and validate someone who really needs it. and do it authentically. just for the mere fact that you can do it. give your heart and love to someone, not because you want something in return, but because it may just feel fucking awesome to do so. then you won't have to feel gay shame. at least not in the next coupla days.
a bit of backtrackin today with u2. i remember seeing them in 1981. they were the backup band for the police. i was so tragically hip back then. and still am in some sense. after all, i'm hiv plus and i danced a few too many dances with tina. but i've made through to the next round and i'm still lookin'. and i still absolutely love this song.
Rushing is coordinating the Mile High Meth Project, a new support network being built up to curb the explosive use of meth in the gay community. This week, the project got its new Web site up and running, and it will serve as a virtual home base for the battle, featuring everything from tips on quitting meth to tales of those who’ve tried and succeeded before. And for all those concerns too delicate to ask the doc about (everything from safe blow-jobs to dirty rim-jobs, itches to rashes) just ask the “Dog-ter,” Denver’s newest guru on safe sex.
backtrackin today with the cornerstone of techno...... i really love it when they start rockin in japanese.
i am so grateful for brian's post today at acidrefluxweb. it is such a breath of fresh air to hear somebody serve up some more sanity and balance to a very one-sided conversation. kisses and curtsies to you my friend. i really needed to hear this today. gay men who are positive and gay men who are negative both share responsibility in opening up about status. there is not a rock on this planet that anyone can hide under to say they didn't know. it is NOT okay to rip off someone whom you didn't ask prior to investigation. and it is never okay to assume it is someone else's responsibility to take care of me.
on a lighter note: men4men4life is in the process presenting a hand-holding event at pride festival at 2pm. the location is tbd. the idea, i believe, is to hold hands for two minutes or so to make a visible statement to denver that there are gay men willing and wanting to stand together side by side to make some changes in the way we treat each other. i really am looking forward to this event.
since i have posted this tune before, i opted for something that would nurture the teenager within. he's totally a dreamboat. and on a more serious note............... i really do believe that gay men....... both negative and positive......... we belong together
Adj. 1. supplemental - functioning in a subsidiary or supporting capacity; "the main library and its auxiliary branches" auxiliary, subsidiary, supplementary secondary - of second rank or importance or value; not direct or immediate; "the stone will be hauled to a secondary crusher"; "a secondary source"; "a secondary issue"; "secondary streams" 2. supplemental - added to complete or make up a deficiency; "produced supplementary volumes"; "additional reading" supplementary, additional added - combined or joined to increase in size or quantity or scope; "takes on added significance"; "an added attraction"
it has been a pretty emotional week. i sit on the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv. the city received a supplemental grant this year that was pretty hefty, but we were only given 30 days to distrubute the funds. so we had to spend much extra time trying to figure out out to best appopriate. it went fairly smoothly. the really odd thing about this process is that most members of the council have a personal interest as well as a professional interest in such decisions. and when there is money involved, there is bound to be some differences of opinion and some emotions flying around.
surfing these particualar waters is not my strong suit. conflict and conflict resolution are probably one of my least favorite recreations. it seems when there is a disagreement, i have a tendency to go a little numb and check out a little. it takes me a while to actually get back to a normal presence again. i guess this is ptsd.
here is a link for the life or meth website AIDS INC. please feel free to click, scroll to AIDS INC and read. this pretty much explains much of what i think is my experience to some level here in denver. and that is the main reason i got into the "hiv and meth treatment" field. when i was first getting clean, i felt like a martian here. and i kept walking away from recovery because i didn't feel connected. of course, i realize this is the nature of addiction, but it caused me much difficulty in the beginning.
and a quote:
Meth addiction is a profoundly complex affliction of the human spirit that cannot be tangibly measured nor sufficiently responded to with the kind of scientific/theoretical logic that yields harm maintenance/user-enabling booklets that aid users to "prepare and repair".
my case manager at an aso was 20 years my junior. there was no way that he could understand what living with a virus for 18 years was like. there was no way that he could probably stop wondering if his plucked eyebrows looked real. he was nice, and i trained him a little in how to find housing and funding information for a client. but i wasn't there to train him. i was there because i had nowhere else to go.
Stagnation and corruption are diseases endemic in all hierarchal structures that grow out of touch with street level consensus and refuse to adapt or change, becoming stuck in obsolete beliefs, methods and conventions. Businesses fall on their sword or are forced to change their policies when they lose their way or become inert because their customers vote with their feet and go elsewhere. But where charitable public sector organisations like AIDS Inc. are concerned, the funds keep pouring in regardless of their lack of efficiency or ability to grasp the concept that failure must result in dismissal, or that were they in the private sector they would be deluged with corporate negligence law suits.
"People with HIV have to take on activism themselves. We have to fight our own battles. HIV/AIDS has become so commercialised and the HIV campaigns are now just about getting money. We need to go back to the drawing board and find strategies that will help us."~ Rubaramira Ruranga [Positive Nation]
and a little backtrackin today. 1976- i remember this song because i had gone to a Texas A & M party and i heard it the first time there. i had moved to Texas to try to finish school. unfortunately, it didn't happen that way for me. but i digress. this song heralded in a very new sound. the repetitious rhythm track and the repetitious lyric. it was new then, and it was strange. i liked it! but i liked platform shoes, nik nik shirts and double pleated high-waisted baggies, too!
