and on a more serious note, the following letter is from a friend of a very dear friend. my life is not touched specifically here, but my life is more comfortable because of those discussed here. i am happy to send this message along with personal support.
To all friends, family & foe, Please take a minute and add your name to this worthwhile petition. Our country does very little for the men and women serving it and putting their lives on the line daily. This is not asking for very much in return. I hope you agree, sign and pass it on to all in your address books. Thank you,
what is spiritual? is it outside myself? or is it within?
my first real memory of anything like that at all is when i was grammar school age, i used to dance under the stars at night during the summer. i felt so free and so connected then.
i am not quite sure how to explain just what spiritual means to me. i am not quite sure i understand myself. i am sure i am still learning and developing my concept.
let's see if i can break this down a bit more then. maybe i'll understand better where i am. when i was in my early twenties, i had a group of friends that i hung out with and did quite a lot of drugs with. we used to go out many nights out of the week, get high, and experience our culture in the clubs. we were not "a-list" gays by any means, and i think some of us were more bothered by that than others. however we were intelligent and we were persistent and we were headstrong, so we developed our own sort of niche in clubland and in the community.
besides laughing more than any other time in my life that i can remember, i also take from those days a real memory of being directed to think of doing for others in lieu of getting everything for me. this struck me as so odd, but as i experimented with it, i found it to be true. this was much to my amazement. i guess the surprise fact had something to do with being an only child and not being used to doing anything for anyone.
fast forward a couple of years when i tested positive for hiv and my best friend passed away. i think i felt truly powerless for the first time. even my substance use couldn't cover up that feeling. and i was not quite ready to die as my friend had. so i turned to louise hay for some direction and some comfort. and that is what i got. i learned how to meditate. i started cooking a lot of my own meals so i could put love in while i was cooking. i became acqainted with the lore of stones and their powers and qualities. i became friends with a fantastic woman who was a channel and dealt in love and light. i started experimenting with hands on healing at some aids support groups i attended. and my perception of spirituality and my own place in the world expanded. and became a personal experience and also became real.
none of this, however, was strong enough to overshadow the darkness that my addictions fueled by my bipolar disorder brought to me. and i had to wait many more years to let go of that addiction, attend to my god-granted chemical imbalance before i could really pick up my spiritual tools and start to access them again in a more engaging way.
today, i am still without a full clue. i know that i don't rule the universe. i know that i am where i am (in a somewhat healthy recovery) is due to much more than the simple things i am capable of. i believe that without faith that i will be allright, i am hopeless. and i have been hopeless before, and i prefer not to go back. i need to grow hope like a garden and maintain it with faith and with consistency.
and all i really understand today is that when i focus on what i have and not what i do not have, i am a much happier person. when i seek to help someone else instead of pursuing self interest, i am more content with the person i am. if i try to seek similarity and likeness in the people around me, and not point out the differences, i seem happier too. and so i spend time trying to do these things and be these things that i understand to make me more content and at peace.
below is a note from ron hudson at ICP who was kind enough to include a couple of my posts for this month's carnival which is hosted by straight, not narrow. there's a great post from fellow blogger brian at acidreflux while he was travelling thru africa. there is also a post from lorenzo at god is brown. this post captured my heart as an older gay man (eeeghad! i had a hard time typing that) listening to a younger man. and you'll see a poignant photo entry from joe is god with pictures of 20 years of ACTUP. i encourage you to explore the carnival and the cornucopia of bloggers out there. and contribute to next month's carnival. after all, we really all are living with hiv/aids. and i find that the non-poz voice is even less heard (if at all) around hiv.
Dear Friends of the International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP):
The 14th edition of the ICP is now available at Straight, Not Narrow. This edition includes original artwork from an HIV+ Colombian man, an original Spanish-language poem with translation by Mexican poet Jeannette Clariond, a video blog from the American comic ANT at his ANT Colony and a spoken-word video from my friend and 1 Giant Leap collaborator Rich Ferguson of Los Angeles, CA. Other posts address recognizing alcoholism within the HIV/AIDS community, as well as other thought-provoking articles about living with HIV/AIDS. We have a number of returning contributors as well as new participants. Please take a few minutes to visit and bookmark this edition so that you can enjoy it at your leisure over the next month.
Please visit the ICP homepage to learn more about this project and how you can contribute. We are now accepting submissions for edition 15 to be hosted at Living Mindfully with HIV. Please consider contributing your original artwork, poetry, news, personal accounts, short stories, and video or music files for the next edition. The more of you who actively submit your articles, the more I will be able to identify and solicit new participants for this project.
I hope that you will join the growing community of contributors and hosts for this important international forum for genuine voices of AIDS and allies. Please note that we are still seeking a host for our November, 2007 edition and for all editions beyond December, 2007. If you are interested in hosting the ICP, please email me and I will make the process for you as painless as possible. Return hosts are welcome!
If you have a blog, please feel free to post a notice about the availability of this edition. Also, please share this email with your friends. We need to involve as many people as possible. I really appreciate all of the links that you have added for the ICP in your blog sidebars and would encourage any of you who have not yet done so to consider adding a permanent link to the ICP to your blog.
Peace to you and yours.
Safe Journeys!
Ron Hudson
2sides2ron Poundcake Love The International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP)
a friend conveyed that they were stepping away from 12 step. i also got the impression that they were stepping away from our friendship as i am heavily influenced by my 12 step program. this makes me hugely sad. and so i am just posting this to explain my reasons for being involved with the program. i was so horrified at who i was becoming in active use, that i never want to return. couple that with my journey with the course in miracles and with science of mind, and i truly believe there is a life that is much richer and much freer available to me. and i am working towards it. if i work the steps, i am promised a better life. and i need that.
sometimes we get schrapnel during battle, and we have to try to save as much of ourselves as we can. if not, we run the danger of losing a bigger part of ourselves to infection, gangrene, and amputation.
meth was such a battle for me:
Yeah here we go for the hundredth time Hand grenade pins in every line Throw em up and let something shine Going out of my fucking mind Fithy mouth, no excuse Find a new place to hang this noose String me up from atop these roofs Knot it tight so i won't get loose Truth is you can stop and stare Run myself out and no one cares Dug the trench out lay it down there With the shovel up out of reach somewhere Yeah, someone pour it in Make it a dirt dance floor again Say your prayers and stomp it out When they bring that chorus in [Chorus] I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away Just to throw it away Just to throw it away I bleed it out [End Chorus] Go start the show Drop your boys and the sloppy flow Shotgun I put lock and load Cock it back and then watch it go Mama help me I've been cursed Death is rolling in every verse Candy paint on this brand new hearse Can't contain him he knows he works Fuck this hurts I wont lie Doesn't matter how hard I try Half the words dont mean a thing And I know that I wont be satisfied So why try ignoring it Make it a dirt dance floor again Say your prayers and stomp it out When they bring that chorus in [Chorus] I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away Just to throw it away Just to throw it away I bleed it out I've opened up these skies I'll make you face this I bought myself some fire I'll make you, face, this, now!!!! [Chorus] I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away Just to throw it away Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it away Just to throw it away Just to throw it away I bleed it out I bleed it out I bleed it out
once in awhile i hear a song that really speaks to me. i had posted this particular song "drive"on my previous blog site, and i can find even more about it to like now. last year, i went to see chris beckman (from mtv's real world) speak here in denver about his recovery from drug addiction thru a 12 step program. there was a young man singing this song and playing guitar before chris went on. i then knew that the world still holds wonderful surprises for me. i credit this song as a sign that my chi, my soulforce, my raison d'etre might actually begin to realign. actually, their much newer song "dig" is just as compelling for me. i dig this band and dig their messaging.
INCUBUS - Drive
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. But lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? Aah-ah-oo-o-o.
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around. But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.
Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there. Do do do do do do do do do do do ohh wa oh, do do do do do Do do do do do do do do do do do ohh wa oh
i've certainly been at least one of these characters. and i've certainly pretended to be the other. am i really just one though? which one? once a whore, always a whore? and if i'm a whore, what do i do with that now?
my sponsor has asked me to complete something which heretofore has been out of my reach. he requests that i finish the part of step 4 which i had not been able to comprehend at all. that would be around the completion of the sex inventory. not the bit about reviewing our conduct, getting it all on paper, and looking at it. that section was excruciating, but i completed that.
no, the piece i had difficulty with is the sexual ideal. and up until now, the concept has really been elusive. i haven't really been in the space to consider being involved in a sexual relationship again. i guess i had just been so oversexed the last few years that i was pretty burnt. and i think i had been using poon as a validation tool and it had stopped working a while back. for years i hadn't considered having a relationship that combined both emotional intimacy and sex. i kept those two things very seperate. i had been hurt early on and just decided it wasn't worth the pain. i also hurt someone else and i really struggled with feeling worthy after that.
but things for me have changed somewhat. i feel as if i have already begun a journey of personal discovery. and there is some strength and joy and outward facing energy that has begun to emerge. add that to the power of intention and i find that my chi is completely realigning itself. so maybe i am ready to look at this now. my sponsor has suggested such, so i think i'll try to work on this. probably at the roundup this weekend. i guess i'll just ask god to show me how to proceed.
the suggestions from the aa book read as such:
in this way, we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. we subjected each relation to this test- was it selfish or not? we asked god to mold our ideals and help us live up to them. we remembered always that our sex powers were god-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. we must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so.in other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask god what we should do about each specific matter. the right answer will come, if we want it.
so, not published in the big book of alcoholics anonymous are some ideas and thoughts that i scribed as dictated by my sponsor. these have been handwritten in blank spots on pages throughout the book. btw-this is why sponsorship is highly recommended. these cliff notes would be missed otherwise. since i am currently looking at step 4 section, i will write as is handwritten:
investigations/inventories can be expected to create angst and to take us outside our faith boundaries..... prayer expands these boundaries...
we have to own the feelings behind our fears/resentments. (not at all comfortable)
until we get in touch with these raw emotions, we cannot consciously process our inventories.
when we finally own them, we can then turn them over to god.
step 4 involves 1)honest gut checks(our role) 2)diligence ( a lot of honest work) 3)perseverance ( ego will interfere) 4)lots of prayer ( god will help us open up) 5)be specific
i haven't thought about this song in awhile. and i hadn't ever really thought about it's appropriateness for the life i was living as a tweaker a few years back. indeed, i really had not ever tried to understand how much damage i did to the people around me and just how much had been done to me. that whole vista can easily be overwhelming. i hurt so many many friends. i lied to so many people. and i let so many people just use me like a handi-wipe. i helped myself to things that i had no business having in my possession. i took advantage of situations simply because i was able.
as i did my 8th step for the 1st time and made a list of those i had injured and became willing to make amends, i honestly became overwhelmed that i may never be able to make some of those amends. and that may be the case. but i have become willing, in most cases. and in the others, i have become willing to be willing.
this 9th step process of making amends seems as if it will go on infinitum, but not ad nauseum. i want to level the playing field. i want to relieve myself of guilt and remorse. i want to come to terms with all my actions. and i want to continue to grow spiritually. obviously, this does not happen overnight. it is a process which requires new habits, new thought patterns, and new behaviors. and change ain't always easy.
oh and if you haven't done it already, click on the title of this post and read the article by aaron cohen from the ispark site in sf. i find it really insightful and compelling.
I caught you knockin' at my cellar door I love you, baby, can I have some more Ooh, ooh, the damage done.
I hit the city and I lost my band I watched the needle take another man Gone, gone, the damage done.
I sing the song because I love the man I know that some of you don't understand Milk-blood to keep from running out.
I've seen the needle and the damage done A little part of it in everyone But every junkie's like a settin' sun.
i know this has been posted around before but i find it funny, albeit not in a be kind to animals way. and here's an interesting background story to accompany this.
i love visiting chicago- my hometown. i can't help but be reminded that in 1982 in chicago, some friends and i helped our friend get his after hours club open. it took a lot of our energy and time and took on an importance in our lives suddenly. a commitment we never expected. seems like we lived and breathed those dance hall days. i have been in chicago barely 24 hours and i am flooded with memories and melancholy. my best friends still live here and i still love them madly. we have all changed, and we are all still the same. and when we start bringing up the adventures - girls gone wild- the temperatures in the room rise as does the volume. not quite superheroes, we were definitely stunt persons. we came, we saw, and we remember (at least most of it). although i'm pretty sure blue remembers it all- she has a memory like a steel trap.
you know, i have to laugh when i think about just how left wing and on the edge we were back then. we broke rules, we took chances, we said yes to pleasure more often than not. hedonistic and culturally inclusive, we did make a small mark on the complexion of culture in our little burg. and we had an effect on some we didn't even know
unfortunately- velvet, mark stephens, todd tennenbaum, bruce bliss, rik, patrick, and many more moved through to the vip dance hall in the sky. and i miss them with regularity and remember them lovingly.
i totally adore my days-gone-by chicago crew and may drop some more thoughts about them while i'm here.
meanwhile, i was attending an all day seminar at the new glbt center on halsted. hanging from the ceiling in the theatre was my best friends panel from the aids quilt. it took me by surprise and i got a bit emotional. i hadn't seen it since the early 90's when i went to see the whole thing unfurled in dc. his sister made the panel. she always made me laugh. my true darling- paul pfohl. i was flooded with memories of him, our days in the hood, our fag-filled attempts at guerilla perfomance art, and the last year of his life - 1985. that last year was a very tough time for me. it's the same year i tested positive. i was a traumatized idiot and self-medicated through most of the process. i loved paul pfohl though, and still do. it was a blessing really to see that panel.
ahhhh.......this memory lane is filled with tender mercies....
might as well kick it. here's another great memory from those dance hall days.
The Honorable Mike Leavitt Secretary, Department of Health and Human Services 200 Independence Avenue, SW Washington, DC 20201
Dear Secretary Leavitt:
The ongoing implementation of the Ryan White HIV/AIDS Treatment Modernization Act of 2006 is raising significant concerns among people living with HIV/AIDS and those who coordinate and provide their care.
While many of those concerns relate to legislative provisions over which the Department has little discretion, there are others where the Department’s actions can have a significant positive impact on the health and well-being of people living with HIV/AIDS. The organizations listed below ask that the Department act quickly to resolve the following four issues:
1. Maintain Residential Substance Abuse Treatment as an Allowable Support Service Residential substance abuse treatment is a critical component of the HIV/AIDS care continuum. In FY 2004––the most recent year for which data are publicly available––20 of the 51 Title I jurisdictions used Title I funds to support residential substance abuse treatment.• It is crucial that all jurisdictions continue to have the option of funding these services.
Residential treatment is one of the modalities included in the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s Treatment for HIV-Infected Alcohol and Other Drug Abusers, Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series: 15. Limiting funded substance abuse services to outpatient settings would contradict the first principle of the National Institute on Drug Abuse’s Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment, which states, “No single treatment is appropriate for all individuals. Matching treatment settings, interventions, and services to each individual’s particular problems and needs is critical to his or her ultimate success in returning to productive functioning in the family, workplace, and society.”
Residential substance abuse treatment services clearly meet the criteria laid out in Section 2604 (d)(1) that support services are “services, subject to the approval of the Secretary, that are needed for individuals with HIV/AIDS to achieve their medical outcomes…” Treatment of addiction is an essential part of reaching optimal medical outcomes and untreated substance abuse is a significant barrier to accessing medical care for many people living with HIV/AIDS. Many residential programs treating people living with HIV/AIDS provide on-site medical services, including support for adherence to prescribed medications. Residential substance abuse treatment is well documented as an effective treatment modality that results in significant improvement in drug use, crime, and employment , and is recognized by SAMHSA as an evidence-based treatment modality, especially for individuals with co-occurring disorders, those released from the criminal justice system, and women. It is particularly effective with homeless and marginally housed individuals. For some people living with HIV/AIDS, inpatient and residential substance abuse treatment is their first encounter with the system of care, including primary medical care.
The range of effective substance abuse treatment modalities, specifically including residential treatment, should be allowed under the “Other Support Services” category if it addresses unmet local needs.
2. Maintain Other Support Services that Meet the Legislative Criteria The list of fundable support services must include all support services “that are needed for individuals with HIV/AIDS to achieve their medical outcomes” so that grantees and planning councils can address the full range of unmet needs in their communities. There are a number of support services that help people living with HIV/AIDS access and remain in HIV care and treatment. The need for services varies from community to community, depending upon factors such as available services supported by other funding streams and the demographics and characteristics of those in care. The inclusion of all support services that meet the legislative criteria is key to ensuring that communities can continue to offer the continuum of care that meets the needs of the people living with HIV/AIDS in their jurisdictions.
3. Allow for Flexible Core Medical Services that Will Best Serve the Treatment and Care Needs of People Living with HIV/AIDS We are encouraged by the recent public statements of HRSA HIV/AIDS Bureau leadership that the agency will not issue language further defining any of the core medical services. This gives grantees and planning councils the flexibility to support core medical services that address the health needs of people living with HIV/AIDS in their communities. A timely notification from HRSA to Ryan White grantees of this fact will allow them to move forward with their planning and allocation processes.
4. Ensure Improved HRSA Guidance and Responsiveness The passage of the reauthorization legislation in the middle of FY 2007 is presenting a significant challenge for everyone––from the Department level to those working on the frontlines. As the process moves forward, it is crucial that HRSA HIV/AIDS Bureau leadership and staff communicate clearly and in a timely fashion with grantees and that they respond to grantee questions and requests for additional information promptly. Too often over the past few months, grantees have been given little time to prepare and plan for significant programmatic changes and funding shifts and important questions have been left unanswered. Grantees, planning councils, providers, and consumers are now two months into the Part A fiscal year, and any significant changes should be postponed until the next fiscal year to avoid any additional disruption of services.
We are eager to work with the Department, HRSA and HAB leadership and staff to ensure that the implementation of the reauthorization legislation best meets the needs of the people living with HIV/AIDS who depend on the Ryan White Program for their care and treatment. We offer our advice, feedback, and communication mechanisms to make this process smoother, easier, and more responsive to the needs of people living with HIV/AIDS. We look forward to your timely response to these critical issues.
This letter was signed by at least 40 large metropolitan treatment agencies. i wonder if it will have any impact. maybe this can help shed some light on the situation.
there has been a movement in sf for some years now called gay shame. it's fairly self-explanatory really. it speaks to how all the venues and events at gay events, especially around pride, are sponsored. and so many of them are sponsored by companies and corporations which either peddle alcohol or pharmaceuticals, or are run by and for people who have nothing to do with the "credo" of the rainbow flag. some might say that to be sponsored by booze is extremely apropos since so many of us develop substance use problems. and most of the boards and officers of those sponsorship companies would not have anything to do with many members of our gay community because frankly we are just too fucking foreign, twisted, and different. we celebrate anonymous sex, some of us participate in public sex, wear lewd and provocative clothing, naturally lean towards androgyny. we say yes to pleasure and publicly celebrate that fact.
but the promoters and creators of these events don't care about their personal beliefs either, because it's all about the money. as long as it doesn't affect them or their respective families or companies. it has been mentioned before that gay men in general are conditioned to just spend and party their whole lives, feeding an economy that won't support their rights to love and partner with the person their choice. sad.... and shameful....
i miss san francisco at this time of year. not because i would certainly be marching in the "gay shame" parade. but because i miss having the awareness level of such a thing on the radar. in denver, as in most cities, it is considered the norm to be sponsored by stoli and coors. and many of us feel lucky to be just that.
this "norm" is prevalent here on many levels. i will come back to this conversation on another day. i have to work through my thoughts and emotions, before i start spouting off. i just hope i don't wait too long. there is much to find shame in today. i need to pray on it and let go of the wheel.
have a happy pride weekend. celebrate life. be seen and be heard. and validate someone who really needs it. and do it authentically. just for the mere fact that you can do it. give your heart and love to someone, not because you want something in return, but because it may just feel fucking awesome to do so. then you won't have to feel gay shame. at least not in the next coupla days.
a bit of backtrackin today with u2. i remember seeing them in 1981. they were the backup band for the police. i was so tragically hip back then. and still am in some sense. after all, i'm hiv plus and i danced a few too many dances with tina. but i've made through to the next round and i'm still lookin'. and i still absolutely love this song.
Rushing is coordinating the Mile High Meth Project, a new support network being built up to curb the explosive use of meth in the gay community. This week, the project got its new Web site up and running, and it will serve as a virtual home base for the battle, featuring everything from tips on quitting meth to tales of those who’ve tried and succeeded before. And for all those concerns too delicate to ask the doc about (everything from safe blow-jobs to dirty rim-jobs, itches to rashes) just ask the “Dog-ter,” Denver’s newest guru on safe sex.
backtrackin today with the cornerstone of techno...... i really love it when they start rockin in japanese.
Adj. 1. supplemental - functioning in a subsidiary or supporting capacity; "the main library and its auxiliary branches" auxiliary, subsidiary, supplementary secondary - of second rank or importance or value; not direct or immediate; "the stone will be hauled to a secondary crusher"; "a secondary source"; "a secondary issue"; "secondary streams" 2. supplemental - added to complete or make up a deficiency; "produced supplementary volumes"; "additional reading" supplementary, additional added - combined or joined to increase in size or quantity or scope; "takes on added significance"; "an added attraction"
it has been a pretty emotional week. i sit on the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv. the city received a supplemental grant this year that was pretty hefty, but we were only given 30 days to distrubute the funds. so we had to spend much extra time trying to figure out out to best appopriate. it went fairly smoothly. the really odd thing about this process is that most members of the council have a personal interest as well as a professional interest in such decisions. and when there is money involved, there is bound to be some differences of opinion and some emotions flying around.
surfing these particualar waters is not my strong suit. conflict and conflict resolution are probably one of my least favorite recreations. it seems when there is a disagreement, i have a tendency to go a little numb and check out a little. it takes me a while to actually get back to a normal presence again. i guess this is ptsd.
here is a link for the life or meth website AIDS INC. please feel free to click, scroll to AIDS INC and read. this pretty much explains much of what i think is my experience to some level here in denver. and that is the main reason i got into the "hiv and meth treatment" field. when i was first getting clean, i felt like a martian here. and i kept walking away from recovery because i didn't feel connected. of course, i realize this is the nature of addiction, but it caused me much difficulty in the beginning.
and a quote:
Meth addiction is a profoundly complex affliction of the human spirit that cannot be tangibly measured nor sufficiently responded to with the kind of scientific/theoretical logic that yields harm maintenance/user-enabling booklets that aid users to "prepare and repair".
my case manager at an aso was 20 years my junior. there was no way that he could understand what living with a virus for 18 years was like. there was no way that he could probably stop wondering if his plucked eyebrows looked real. he was nice, and i trained him a little in how to find housing and funding information for a client. but i wasn't there to train him. i was there because i had nowhere else to go.
Stagnation and corruption are diseases endemic in all hierarchal structures that grow out of touch with street level consensus and refuse to adapt or change, becoming stuck in obsolete beliefs, methods and conventions. Businesses fall on their sword or are forced to change their policies when they lose their way or become inert because their customers vote with their feet and go elsewhere. But where charitable public sector organisations like AIDS Inc. are concerned, the funds keep pouring in regardless of their lack of efficiency or ability to grasp the concept that failure must result in dismissal, or that were they in the private sector they would be deluged with corporate negligence law suits.
"People with HIV have to take on activism themselves. We have to fight our own battles. HIV/AIDS has become so commercialised and the HIV campaigns are now just about getting money. We need to go back to the drawing board and find strategies that will help us."~ Rubaramira Ruranga [Positive Nation]
and a little backtrackin today. 1976- i remember this song because i had gone to a Texas A & M party and i heard it the first time there. i had moved to Texas to try to finish school. unfortunately, it didn't happen that way for me. but i digress. this song heralded in a very new sound. the repetitious rhythm track and the repetitious lyric. it was new then, and it was strange. i liked it! but i liked platform shoes, nik nik shirts and double pleated high-waisted baggies, too!
. i am beginning the construction for tina's talking wall today. i got the wood for the actual wall and ideally i would like to paint those out white. but more importantly, i need to work out the support mechanisms that are going to keep them standing while 100,000 people pass by- hopefully with several thousand stopping to actually write down a thought or two. so it needs to be sturdy and simple.
i'm proud of the work i do. but i may be in need of some new boundaries for myself. i think today is a great day for some time out. laughter might be a necessary nutritional supplement today. if only i didn't have the whole day scheduled for service work...(i'm trying to figure out where the job ends and the recreation begins?) i guess i'll just have to pray on it. hope you find time to have some fun and get a good laugh in.
i have heard many, many bits of advice along my journey of getting clean. but the most widely offered had to do with not getting involved in a personal or sexual relationship for at least the first year. i heard it on numerous occasions. when i heard it, it all sounded logical and i thought it wasn't a big deal, cuz i felt like persona-non-grata anyway.
i never banked on getting hit on in a 12step room. i never would have believed that if it indeed happened, he would be someone i had a history with. and i never in a million years would have predicted that he (or anyone for that matter) would have been interested in me at all. i felt truly like damaged goods and was pretty sure that's what i looked like to the outside world.
but against my best thinking (ha), it happened. he hit on me. he flirted with me. and i was so completely knocked over by the sheer audacity of the event, coupled with my infatuation of its possibility, that i took the bait, hook, line, and sinker. it was 2 nights of bliss and another month or so of very uncomfortable posturing on both our parts trying to wrestle with the situation we had created.
don't get me wrong. i think the world of him. but i was not ready to look outward at that point in my life. i was so overtaxed with the business of looking inward and untangling the mess i had found, that i didn't have a chance of making a good friend or partner to anyone else at that time. and the same held true for him. besides, he wasn't really done dancing with tina then, so i had also put myself in a really potentially dangerous situation.
and worst of all, i hurt his feelings. i ended it abruptly and i didn't do it with much finesse or sensitivity. i really don't want to go through that again, or put anyone else through that either. what used to be commonplace for me- the "don't let the doorknob hit ya where the dog shoulda bit ya" sensibility that i held for years wasn't working for me any longer. i guess tricking was no longer a sport of choice for me. and i hadn't cared in a long time, so i didn't have much skill around that at all.
no worries, though, cuz what goes around comes around. i got mine from someone else who did a very similar thing to me. seduced me, then when we started to get close, he snapped shut like a clam and it stung for a good long while.
so, according to my experience, staying away from the bone phone for the first year or so is sage advice. wisdom, yes, but does anyone ever listen?
and to my good friend, this sentiment is meant for you. i truly am sorry about the course of events. i didn't know who i was or what i needed. you were a catalyst for change in the course of my life around our tryst, and for that i can never ever thank you enough. i wish you only the best. i will always be here if you need me.
and how about the voice from nelly? damn, that is pure!
I have decided to take a working vacation and spend some time in my home town of Chicago. The evening session at the National Testing Day Event at the new Center on Halsted holds some promise of great interest for me. Susan Kingston really has pioneered some amazing work and the programs in King County are exemplary. She is the featured speaker for the third session that day. I wonder sometimes, if she is more than a mere mortal. She seems to see truths before others do and tells it as she sees it and so eloquently to boot. And I am completely vexed.
Here's just a single example of the great work at Seattle King County.
The Program She is Presenting at Dynamic Women Speakers at the Center on Halsted Mark National HIV Testing Day on Your Calendars
In conjunction with National HIV Testing Day on Wednesday, June 27, the Center on Halsted and the AIDS Foundation of Chicago will present an exciting, FREE, day-long lecture series entitled: "Preventing HIV: Ethics, Activism, and Promising New Strategies."
The event is organized into three parts: a morning talk - “The Brave New World of HIV Prevention: Human Rights, Human Risks” by amfAR's acting director for public policy Dr. Monica Ruiz, a mid-day lecture - “Public Health: Is it Good Medicine for Women Impacted by HIV?" by world-renowned activist Louise Binder of the Canadian Treatment Action Council and Voices of Positive Women, and an evening session with Susan Kingston, a methamphetamine expert from Seattle, titled “Crystal Meth Uncensored: What the DEA and the Gay Media Won't Tell You”.
for information please visit... AIDSCHICAGO maybe i'll see you in chicago
p.s. i added bronski beat to backtrackin in the sidebar. hope you enjoy the memories as much as i have. "pushed around and kicked around, i was a lonely boy"
All leadership comes down to this: changing people's behavior. and i have decided to start with my own.
a couple of men from other cities have contacted me over the last month in response to an entry i made about the size of the roundup fellowship here in denver. they declared that no such fellowship of measurable size exists in their respective cities. i can empathize with that so much because when i first got clean here it was a very meagre scene. i really didn't care too much if i saw the people who attended meetings outside the 12 step rooms, as they weren't my 1st choice of companions. but then, another guy and i began talking about the "gay" recovery rooms being pretty lame, except for aa which had a fairly longstanding and strong presence , although perceived as stand-offish with newcomers. there was quite a bit of "personality disorder" abounding in the other fellowships and it was, well to put it succinctly, annoying. so we began a new meeting which was open but definitely marketed and geared towards gay men in recovery from crystal. we asked a couple of other guys we knew from the rooms to join our attempt. it was strange, exciting, and fearful. and it took a few months but the meeting did find a voice.
from this meeting, and the intention behind it, we have met some addicts and drunks in long term recovery who have moved here from other cities where the "GLBT recovery" is more cohesive than it was in denver. and we have collected and merged our intentions to be a fun, inclusive, and recovery oriented social group. we try to celebrate recovery, and laugh while we are doing it, because 12 step helped save our collective asses, our sanity, and our lives. and we do celebrate.
just as in the early 80's when we had no access to legislation around the pandemic which swept through our communities and we had to create our own networks and systems and support, so do we have that same challenge in recovery. and we have found that people in recovery seem to be coming out of the woodwork in kind. and i believe that it is because we, human beings- gay men and lesbians et al, need community as well as really want it. being able to hold my head up again with my face towards the sun and being able to look at myself in the mirror is worth celebrating. and it is worth being acknowledged by others. we don't get clean to isolate and hide ourselves. we don't get clean to go back in the closet. and we don't suddenly become spinsters or clergy or celibates- well most of us don't.
so, to these very intelligent guys who have suggested that there are not so many men in recovery in their cities, or that there is no recovery community, i say "i hear you". there didn't seem to be much here, either. but we are just changing ourselves. and the fellowhips, the rmru board, and the community have grown around us. it's not always all fun, it's work- service work. but it is fun. and it's rewarding. and it is a vital resource for others who are not as strong. we all need to see happy on someone else's face to remember we can see it on our own faces again, too.
i am really not that smart a guy. this metamorphosis in our little burg has been the work of many hearts and voices. i know, though, that i had to change my heart and voice to find a kindred spirit.(after all, i'm not the only gay in the village) lol. i believe, wholeheartedly, that we are everywhere. so i offer- get busy.... someone else who is trying to get/stay clean needs your help... if you build it, they will come. and if you need inspirationn, come celebrate with us in winter park. happiness can be contagious.
"Consciously or unconsciously, every one of us does render some service or other. If we cultivate the habit of doing this service deliberately, our desire for service will steadily grow stronger and we will make not only our own happiness, but that of the world at large".... Gandhi
