a friend conveyed that they were stepping away from 12 step. i also got the impression that they were stepping away from our friendship as i am heavily influenced by my 12 step program. this makes me hugely sad. and so i am just posting this to explain my reasons for being involved with the program. i was so horrified at who i was becoming in active use, that i never want to return. couple that with my journey with the course in miracles and with science of mind, and i truly believe there is a life that is much richer and much freer available to me. and i am working towards it. if i work the steps, i am promised a better life. and i need that.
sometimes we get schrapnel during battle, and we have to try to save as much of ourselves as we can. if not, we run the danger of losing a bigger part of ourselves to infection, gangrene, and amputation.
meth was such a battle for me:
Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind
Fithy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose
Truth is you can stop and stare
Run myself out and no one cares
Dug the trench out lay it down there
With the shovel up out of reach somewhere
Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
[End Chorus]
Go start the show
Drop your boys and the sloppy flow
Shotgun I put lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go
Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse
Candy paint on this brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works
Fuck this hurts I wont lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try
Half the words dont mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied
So why try ignoring it
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I've opened up these skies
I'll make you face this
I bought myself some fire
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
2 comments:
I'm sorry Rod if my comment raised doubt within you regarding our friendship. I feel I should have been more clear in the third paragraph with what I meant. I was rushing as I had to head off to work but still no excuse. I'll try to explain myself now. (I hope)
Hearing this in others like yourself only confirms to me why I am choosing to move away from the 12 Step philosophy.
I sense that you feel (I maybe wrong) bad or there is some angst about having "internalised homophobia". You call them "reasons" and "excuses" but to me the reasons you give are very much why you are who you are.
A child's sense of self comes from the nurturing they either get or don't get when young. The footprint for our life is set by the age of 4 or 5.
I just disagree that a feeling that has been so essential to you up until this point in your life can and will be removed without you (or anyone for that matter) coming to understand the very power and nature of that feeling.
It saddens me these days to sit in a meeting and hear and see the pain and confusion on people's faces. People are so hard on themselves and I understand because they are me.
By learning to love myself (a cognitive process to my heart), I am beginning to understand. That has been the most liberating thing.
I guess I just want others to experience the growth that I have gained through psychotherapy and rather quickly mind you.
But I respect yours and other peoples choice in how to travel the road of recovering and healing.
Again, without a doubt NA saved my life. I still believe in the first 3 Steps.
Namaste, Denys.
hey d-
there seems to be a miscommunication or misunderstanding of my homophobia. as i experience it, it keeps me from feeling okay about myself. it judges me for being a sissy. it looks at me with eyes that are not loving. having this since i was a young boy may have served me very well indeed. it doesn't however mean it will serve me from now on. just like i quit smoking, and quit eating ice cream daily to substitute that ( i called it having a 3-way with ben & jerry every night), i can quit judging myself as the first reaction, or at least not stopping there if that's where my mind goes first. i honestly believe that holding on to this would not be in my best interest at this point in my life.
now with your process, i sincerely wish only the best. this is a complicated orb that we carry on our shoulders and each one has its own set of directions. there isn't one RIGHT answer.
you have a fan club here. beyond all this, i know you have a tender heart. the rest is ground cover.
Post a Comment