sobering thoughts

it hardly seems possible that just 3 years ago next month i began the last of my meth binges. i had already sworn it off several times in the preceding year and a half, but just couldn't make it stick. i had stopped for months at a time, but staying stopped really seemed to be a problem. it was killing me, as a matter of fact. i honestly just wanted to throw in the towel and die. but i couldn't even seem to make that work.

i would step down from the amusement park ride for awhile, find a place to stay, get a job, get some sleep, and then my mind would go into a hypnotic state and there was nothing i could seem to do other than obey the "let's tweak" instructions that had been downloaded during one of my psychotic episodes. and there were quite a few of those.

i would get these server jobs at restaurants and i was honestly over that kind of work in restaurants. the managers were all younger than me and were towing a corporate line and it just held no appeal for me. even though i needed the job and the money desperately, i couldn't get past the humiliation and the cravings. and i would almost always create a situation that i could get angry over, then run out to the baths. and when that happened, i was usually invisible to the outside world for about 5-10 days. don't ask where i got the money. i found ways to procure it, both wholesome and not. nothing i am proud of.

well, the reason i bring this all up is because i am sometimes just amazed at how much my life has changed, and in how many ways. and i never thought it would get any better. but in spite of myself, it did. it has gotten better. it has been a breath of fresh air. my life is like a phoenix rising, a walk in the park, and a source of joy and inspiration for me.

if you are struggling, with addiction or with staying clean, i hope you can hear my words..... there are miracles in this life. there really are.... just believe in them, and get through the first year. don't do it alone. even though you have been spending most of your tweaking time alone, don't stay alone at this point in your life. there are people who have quit before you and they can and want to help. the difference is astounding. if you are interested you can read some more of my story here.

tight ass levis

thanks to gay telaviv for the heads up (or the floor) on this one. the song playing in the background is "silver sun pickups" and i just can't get the riff outa my head:

Pub jeans Levi's Gay
Uploaded by GayClic

saturday morning cartoons

doncha?



and for all you one-eyed snake charmers out there......

work the steps

a friend conveyed that they were stepping away from 12 step. i also got the impression that they were stepping away from our friendship as i am heavily influenced by my 12 step program. this makes me hugely sad. and so i am just posting this to explain my reasons for being involved with the program. i was so horrified at who i was becoming in active use, that i never want to return. couple that with my journey with the course in miracles and with science of mind, and i truly believe there is a life that is much richer and much freer available to me. and i am working towards it. if i work the steps, i am promised a better life. and i need that.

sometimes we get schrapnel during battle, and we have to try to save as much of ourselves as we can. if not, we run the danger of losing a bigger part of ourselves to infection, gangrene, and amputation.

meth was such a battle for me:

Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind
Fithy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose
Truth is you can stop and stare
Run myself out and no one cares
Dug the trench out lay it down there
With the shovel up out of reach somewhere
Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
[End Chorus]
Go start the show
Drop your boys and the sloppy flow
Shotgun I put lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go
Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse
Candy paint on this brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works
Fuck this hurts I wont lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try
Half the words dont mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied
So why try ignoring it
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I've opened up these skies
I'll make you face this
I bought myself some fire
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out

h e l p

sunday, while driving back from winter park, i was listening to a recording of a speaker from the florida roundup 2005 and i got an additional aha. he was talking about spending his fortune(and he had been making a LOT of money) on some cowboy daddy for the four years prior to his bottoming out and getting into 12 step. the cowboy had taught him how to shoot up meth and then he spent the next four years basically spending through his money trying to keep the guy from running out on him while he tried to stay high. he had been jailed 5 times, had ruined his career and had been shot by a crossbow by this cowboy(who is currently in prison for attempted murder). cleaning up i hope.

as i listened to him speak about being addicted to this man as well as being addicted to meth, i realized that there are real similarities for me. i was not addicted to any particular man, but i was addicted to a ritual. a sexual ritual, one that i had been repeating over and over for years, with no real concern about the person who it was with. as long as the ritual stayed the same and took place, it didn't really matter who it was. treating men like kleenex or handi-wipes. tricks. this is the thing that has stood out for me from my earlier 4th step, and has kept me numb for the year since i worked that step. i cannot really imagine myself beyond that point.

i know that they say that to forgive oneself is the beginning of the healing, but i never thought i would be able to get to that point. this weekend retreat has indeed helped me to see that i was (and still am) sick and could not help myself. i was doing the best that i could and the only thing i knew how to do. and now i have the opportunity to let go of that behavior and change my motives. i need to take action. the caution here for me is that i have told myself so many times over the years that i would never do certain things again. i told myself i would never have a hangover like that again. i would never drink and drive again i would never miss work again. i would never shoot up again. i would never put myself in those dangerous situations again. and yet i found myself engaged in those very activities with regularity. and i am having difficulty finding trust for myself around this. if i cannot let go of this mindset and this behavior that i have grown beyond, then how can i be free? how can i make room for something better in my life? i engaged in behaviors this past weekend that are not in line with my ideal, and the hook for me was that "sex as validation" piece. i was almost driven to it as if i had been hypnotised. is it all i think i can do? is it all i think i deserve? i know i am ready to try something different, but how?


and because i don't know how to make this change, or where to start, i am going to employ another idea from this speaker's message. take a bar of soap and write H-E-L-P on my bathroom mirror and everyday when i shave, i can read it and remember -

His Ever Lasting Presence

and ask for help from that presence on a daily basis. and at night go into the bathroom and say thank you if i have gotten through another day. i have seen enough miracles in my own life to accept that there is a power greater than me at work. i just always forget that it is okay to ask for help when i don't know what to do next. and you know, i think that help may already be on the way. after all, there is the power of intention that i have come to believe in so well.

i would love to make available online this speaker's recording, but haven't figured out how to do it. i don't want to make it available to everyone, but would love to send it to interested parties. so if you can help me work out how to do this- please get in touch.

these are the years i spent. and this is what they represent. and this is what's in my head. and this is how i feel.

until we meet again

well the final brunch at the rocky mountain roundup 2007 has come and gone, as well as the final speaker meeting. today's speaker was emily and she was the most inspirational for me. she spoke of medicating through sexual abuse and the wreckage left beyond that. and she spoke of learning to accept the situations that life handed her and learning to love herself because of it. and her honesty gave me the permission to reflect on own life with honesty and tenderness. and i cried a little.

i danced like a true warrior on saturday evening for an hour at least. it was quite tribal and very cleansing for myself and many of my brothers and sisters. there was a reason to celebrate and so we did. and i danced. and i met a friend and he offered a gift to me during my personal work on my relationship ideal, just as the power of intention would have it. and it was impromptu. it was sweet. and it was humbling.

at the hiv/hep c in recovery workshop, i listened with compassion as a woman spoke of her brother who has dementia and is probably nearing his last days. she loves to come to men's meetings as her lesbian counterparts don't have the same compassion for someone care taking one living with aids. i know she needed to release her fear and frustration and i was proud to be a part of a space that let her do so.

i led the hike-to meeting this morning and so went up another 1/2 mile and sat in the woods and talked about "the promises". eric from dallas spoke about his guarded disappointment upon his arrival in winter park as the hotel seemed lackluster. he then spoke of his own judgements being way off the mark, as this roundup had completely rejuvenated his idea of what the program has to offer him. he cried as he talked about his fears of going back to his day-to-day life and leaving the spectacular backdrop of winter park and arapahoe national forest. i cried like a baby as he surrendered his fears of speaking his truth.

indeed i am sincerely amazed at the blessings i have in my life. i no longer have to feel about myself, the way i felt before i found this sweet surrender. i no longer have to stay stuck in thinking the horrible horrible thoughts i had grown accustomed to. i am changing. and i am grateful for the opportunity. there is hope. if someone like me can change and find hope, anyone can.

show me

i've certainly been at least one of these characters. and i've certainly pretended to be the other.
am i really just one though? which one? once a whore, always a whore? and if i'm a whore, what do i do with that now?

my sponsor has asked me to complete something which heretofore has been out of my reach. he requests that i finish the part of step 4 which i had not been able to comprehend at all. that would be around the completion of the sex inventory. not the bit about reviewing our conduct, getting it all on paper, and looking at it. that section was excruciating, but i completed that.

no, the piece i had difficulty with is the sexual ideal. and up until now, the concept has really been elusive. i haven't really been in the space to consider being involved in a sexual relationship again. i guess i had just been so oversexed the last few years that i was pretty burnt. and i think i had been using poon as a validation tool and it had stopped working a while back. for years i hadn't considered having a relationship that combined both emotional intimacy and sex. i kept those two things very seperate. i had been hurt early on and just decided it wasn't worth the pain. i also hurt someone else and i really struggled with feeling worthy after that.

but things for me have changed somewhat. i feel as if i have already begun a journey of personal discovery. and there is some strength and joy and outward facing energy that has begun to emerge. add that to the power of intention and i find that my chi is completely realigning itself. so maybe i am ready to look at this now. my sponsor has suggested such, so i think i'll try to work on this. probably at the roundup this weekend. i guess i'll just ask god to show me how to proceed.

the suggestions from the aa book read as such:

in this way, we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. we subjected each relation to this test- was it selfish or not? we asked god to mold our ideals and help us live up to them. we remembered always that our sex powers were god-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. we must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so.in other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask god what we should do about each specific matter. the right answer will come, if we want it.

so, not published in the big book of alcoholics anonymous are some ideas and thoughts that i scribed as dictated by my sponsor. these have been handwritten in blank spots on pages throughout the book. btw-this is why sponsorship is highly recommended. these cliff notes would be missed otherwise. since i am currently looking at step 4 section, i will write as is handwritten:

investigations/inventories can be expected to create angst and to take us outside our faith boundaries..... prayer expands these boundaries...

we have to own the feelings behind our fears/resentments. (not at all comfortable)

until we get in touch with these raw emotions, we cannot consciously process our inventories.

when we finally own them, we can then turn them over to god.

step 4 involves
1)honest gut checks(our role)
2)diligence ( a lot of honest work)
3)perseverance ( ego will interfere)
4)lots of prayer ( god will help us open up)
5)be specific

yes virginia there really is a foreigner

serenity

Ever have a day where this would make sense?

Serenity

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

A pentimento (plural pentimenti) is an alteration in a painting showing that the artist has changed his mind as to the composition during the process of painting. The word derives from the Italian pentirsi, meaning to repent.

i have experienced a change of mind with today's post here.....

house of flying daggers

i am expressing something personal today. i certainly hope you will bear with me.


god does not create junk.

my sponsor has been having me write this as well as say this repeatedly since we started working together. and now i realize that he has helped me develop an amazing coping mechanism for my life. this is important because that phrase addresses the perspective i find myself returning to with regularity. in my life, i have become so accustomed to believing that i am without worth, or that someone is going to take advantage of me, that even in sobriety i find myself returning to that pattern. i am not sure if it because of the trauma i lived through growing up,( repeated sexual abuse followed by ridicule and shame from many of the male peers in my life), or because i am missing some main ingredient that is handed out when creation happens. i would imagine the former has something to do with my own brand of insanity.

dennis cooper wrote a book titled "the tenderness of the wolves" and i think that accurately applies to me at times. i am vicious to myself, almost to the point of chewing my own foot to free myself from a trap. this is because i have been trapped and i have memories of and recoil into this only too vividly on occasions when it is not necessarily appropriate or beneficial. but there's memory of fear and so i react to it. and then i bite, and scratch, and tear at myself with these junk thoughts almost savagely at times. i think the clinical term is post-traumatic stress disorder. i call it hell.

this is one reason why i am required to reiterate often, that god does not create junk and that whatever shortcomings i may perceive myself to possess do indeed have a purpose and a meaning in the scheme of my life. and no matter how much i try to seperate myself from the rest of the world because of these shortcomings or differences, i am not seperate. i am included. i am needed. i am required. i belong.

those thoughts are not my first line of thought about my life, however. and first and foremost, i needed to stop self-medicating through these "junk" feelings as i had been doing most of my adult life. that is why i needed the 12 steps and a program to help me navigate my heart, mind, and soul. i don't think i would have gotten to a higher source of power without them.

12 step may have some relief for you, too, even though your situation may not be so dramatic. (any readers who doubt it- i can identify-i never thought it could or would help me. but help me it has.) i do not have to stay stuck in those thoughts i have about myself anymore. this is one of the greatest gifts i have known. and i have hope that there is a break in this cycle. and i have hope that something wonderful will happen. i am shaking loose this secret sadness.

and here is laymen's interpretation of those steps.

1) Drugs/Alcohol will kill me.
2) There's a power that wants me to live.
3) Do I want to live or die? (if you want to die, stop here)
4) Write about how I got to where I am.
5) tell another person all about me. (let God listen)
6) Want to change
7) Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8) Write down who I've hurt.
9) Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10)Accept that I'm human and will screw up. fix it immediately.
11)Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12)Keep doing 1 through 11 and pass it on.

i felt like a change with my posts today (obviously, i hope)
i am a huge fan of kathleen battle's voice, so i thought i'd share a bit today. and just to be sure, inside of me is sometimes like a house of flying daggers.



There was a field in my old town
Where we always played hand in hand
The wind was gently touching the grass
We were so young, so fearless

Then I dreamt o'er and over
Of you holding me tight under the stars
I made a promise to my dear lord
I will love you forever

Time has passed
So much has changed
But the field remains in my heart
Oh, where are you?
I need to tell you I still love you
So I reach out for you
You fly around me like a butterfly
Your voice still echoes in my heart
You are my true love

There was a field in my old town
Where in spring all flowers blossomed wide
We were chasing butterflies
Hand in hand 'til close of day
Your voice still echoes in my heart

the next step

i gave my letter of resignation and notice to my current full time position yesterday. it was certainly bittersweet, but it went smoothly. i have learned so much much working with "it takes a village" and i will never be able to get them out of my heart. there has been an opportunity to grow in ways i never would have been able to experience anywhere else. and we did have discussions about collaboration in the future.

my last day is on the 15th and i hope to have some closure with a support group that i co-facilitate on that day. and then i suppose all hell really breaks loose. i will be moving over to "mile high meth project" at the council in a full time capacity beginning the 18th of August. i am excited, and more than a bit nervous at the same time. this is a birthday gift for myself that i have been working towards.

this new gay men's treatment program in denver is already underway. we have been in operation for about 4 months now. we were minimally funded and so we have really only scratched the surface with clinic hours, marketing, etc. there are currently 14 men enrolled in the program, although they are on different levels and paces in their quest to get clean. we have been working with mostly hiv negative men as the funding is based on prevention dollars. it's exciting because there is an opportunity for no cost treatment for gay men with meth addictions (and other addictions soon to follow). however, we just became ryan white funded as well and so we will be serving and treating hiv plus men additionally. and we do plan on treating them as one community. there are agencies in place that treat hiv plus folks separately, but we wonder if the serosorting is really beneficial for all our comrades. those exclusive options are still available around town, but we feel that both non-sero and sero are part of our community and both therefore should be treated equally and together. if we cannot take care of each other, then who will?

in addition to standard treatment options, we will be offering acupuncture, yoga, and a meditation/mind calming group on a weekly basis. i also think we may be offering a support group which will involve dinner on a table set with linen, china, and candles. (ain't that gay!) one point of light is that there hasn't been a new ryan white treatment provider in the city for quite some time.

i think the thing that is most evident to me, and definitely the most challenging, is the high level of emotionality that exists in gay men as the crystal is depleted. their reactions to life and situations have a tendency to be extremely exaggerated and pronounced for at least the 1st six to twelve months. i need constantly to remember that there is a physiological reason for this and take it in stride. and working under this assumption helps me on a daily basis. if i can learn to remain calm, supportive, and patient during these tumultuous times for clients, perhaps i will be able to help them ride out one of the most difficult parts of breaking up with tina.

thank you, universe, for allowing me the opportunity to be of service. for today, there is no better raison d'etre.

oh- btw, can you PLEASE click on the title of this post and sign the manifesto if you haven't already!


and here is one of my very favorite songs that came out around the time of my initial attempts at recovery.


tina.................................never!!!!
i don't want these feelings to ever come again.
your love is so past tense.

The Roc Project - Never (Past Tense)
Uploaded by florian4545

additional brat boy

found this at brat boy and have a mixed bag of feelings in reaction. i believe it's an audition tape for mtv's real world. i must see myself somewhere in him. the delivery is candid, and i certainly can relate to blacking out. i know where that lead me. ahhh, to be young again! and to be so sure of things. viva la nu-gayz!




I Am An Exobitionist! Get Used To IT! - video powered by Metacafe


from bratboyschool.com

i'm not a .......

we say - you go girl. glad you're kickin!

Kevin Aviance (thanks to rod online)

then we saw she did just that:

YOU GO GIRL

we came, we saw and heard, and we share....

go pigeonhole your damn self! i'll be what i am and what i wanna be! i'll support your decision to do the same.

what is this "glbt" thing anyway? are "t's" really considered part of community? or is it just the tv's and tg's who perform? are the tg's, tv's, or ts's who don't perform, or have talent, or who aren't "pretty" part of our community as well. i mean in our hearts?

impeach cheney?

wow- i got moist just typing those words. i picked this up from ron hudson's blog. i guess dennis kucinich has introduced some legislation that makes good sense. it is independence day after all damnit! there are many common themes in this post and this video. abuse is probably the most glaring. if it were lindsey lohan, britney spears, or brad pitt, we would be driving the papparazzi to hound them insatiably, but since they are only world leaders and drive decisions affecting our economy we don't seem to give much of a damn. or are we just whipped into submission and apathy?




from 2sides2ron

Representative Dennis Kucinich has introduced H. Res. 333

The news here is not that Rep. Kucinich has introduced legislation to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. It is news, in my opinion, because it is time to bring the secrecy, deception and agenda of the office of the Vice President to light. The fact that President Bush has stepped in via an act of extreme cronyism to commute the sentence of Scooter Libby only shows the extent to which this administration will do anything to hide its secrets. Since they will not allow justice to be meted out in a way that holds all Americans equally under the law, it is time to hold them accountable.

I urge House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to put impeachment of the President and Vice President back on the table for this Congress' agenda. I ask that my Representative David Price support House Resolution 333 to impeach the Vice President. I ask that my Senators, Burr and Dole, do the same if any such resolution makes its way to the Senate. I ask someone to be bold and to introduce impeachment proceedings against President Bush. It is time for the opposition to be bold. The administration has surpassed bold and moved right into brazen.

If you want to see Vice President Cheney impeached, please contact your Representative in the US House and ask them to support HR333. You may also ask them to introduce legislation to impeach the President. Representative John Conyers, House Judiciary Committee Chairman, has similarly indicated his intention to intensely scrutinize Bush Administration policies and the actions of the President and Vice President. You may want to contact his office to ask for his support.


Feel free...all of these people work for you and they are setting examples for all Americans, especially our kids, on how we expect our government to work.

posted by Ron Hudson at 7:09:00 PM |


i can easily find the strength to say goodbye to mr cheney in public office. your day in the sun may need to close. it's time to let others shine.

thank you to fagat guide for their post today, too. it made me smile. fagatguide

and subsequently, hello to you mr potts. i wholeheartedly support your reach for your dreams. you inspire me. and i gain hope from you making it through to the next round.

celebrate and maintain recovery in pride...... a double dutch affair

today is officially the day of pride celebrations in denver. and i believe that for gay men in recovery, this day holds quite a bit of anxiety. and to celebrate and participate publicly in pride is like jumping two ropes at once. here is how i plan to ease that tension. the rocky mountain roundup pre-parade meeting is at 8:00 am and the parade starts at 9:30 and travels from cheesman park to civic center park. there, mile high meth project has set up a booth with a game called "knock it off" to act as outreach. we are the first gay men's treatment program in denver that i am aware of. and i am less than humble when i talk about it. but i digress. the game is a pretty simple game really. you just have to knock over 6 stacked plastic cups by throwing a ball. if you knock them all off you win a t-shirt that has our logo and "wanna get off" in huge letters. yesterday was family day at the festival. we had a line 4 deep all day trying to win those shirts. they love that shirt. guess the outreach is working somewhat. hopefully people will remember who we are and what we do. you get a rubber bracelet that says the same thing or a pen if you don't knock them all off. people seem to enjoy themselves. especially the lesbians. and lesbians all know gay men with meth issues.

we also set up a talking wall somewhere else on the festival grounds. it is 24 feet long, covered in white butcher paper and we are posing questions like "why do we use crystal meth" and "what has meth done for you lately", and "is hiv relevant". multi-colored markers are available in buckets hanging from each end of the wall. we went through 3 lengths of paper yesterday. Even the cops and the security guards were talking to the wall.

i have also been announcing at meetings that if anyone is at pride festivities and starts to feel uncomfortable, or squirrely, or out of place, that they can come to either of our venues and chill and have safe harbor. i remember what it is like to try to be around pride activities when i was first getting clean. i had no idea how to feel safe or normal at all.

today, i am going to feel proud that i have tried to take my struggles and turn them toward the folks in my vicinity. this has given my journey some purpose and some value. and i am going to try to laugh and smile the whole day ( we'll see if that actually lasts- it's going to be 100 degrees).


but i am learning that there is always a way for me to get what i need. backtrackin today with frankie smith. c'mon - get on-

just a little impaired

Source: WordNet (r) 1.7

impaired
adj 1: diminished in strength, quality, or utility; "impaired
eyesight" [ant: unimpaired]
2: mentally or physically unfit [syn: afflicted]







chinese calligraphy for "shit"




i have been a bit distracted lately. not sure why really. there is a lot on my plate right now. i think i am afraid i will not do something well. or will fail at something. or expect some impending doom. i know i write here often about expecting good things to happen, and i believe that. to a point. then i revert back to my old ways of doomseeing and doomsaying. god is it tedious.

i am becoming a substance abuse counselor, as well as doing hiv plus advocacy work and some days it is quite draining. i am honestly happy to do the work. i just get a tad blown away when i am lied to, and manipulated, and tested, and challenged on a fairly steady basis. and then i have the charge of witnessing men abusing themselves and torturing themselves emotionally and physically. and i know that in most cases, it is the brain that is fucked and not the person. i guess i am just gonna have to allow myself to be human once in awhile and work through taking some of this shit personally.

when i call somebody on their discrepanies, am i doing the right thing? do i just let them continue to bullshit me and themselves? is that what is called meeting the client where they are at? you know, most of the time, this is really not a problem for me. i feel a bit guilty writing about it here. but i do want any tweakers who might be reading this, to know that people in my position actually do care. sometimes we have to figure out the best approach to caring. and that approach is different with everyone.


on a lighter note- rocky mountain roundup had a bbq and no-talent show last nite. i think 80 or so people came. it was sedate, jovial, and civilized. the most fascinating thing to me is that people are genuinely friendly most of the time at these functions.

and in keeping with the lighter note

i think i mentioned the talking wall before. i have to work through that whole idea and the mile high meth project booth before the end of next week. i really need a compelling question about hiv to ask in conjunction with the "how has crystal meth touched your life?" you can check the original out for yourself here... Crissy's Talking Wall
i am especially intrigued by the cyberwall. there are so many eerie bits there.



tina's talking wall








i'm not crazy, i'm just a little impaired.









http://www.addme.com/#1

inspiration

today, i am remembering how broken i was when i stopped doing meth. i had been homeless for about 6 months, drifting around southern california and finally ending up back in denver. i was couch surfing, dumpster diving, freeloading, and had started down a more criminal minded path. i didn't recognize who i was anymore, and i realized somewhere inside of me that i wasn't strong enough for that life forever.
i came to denver not having any real sense of how difficult the year and a half ahead of me was to be. i was not at all prepared for the depression that followed my cessation of using. i could not cope gracefully with the tumult of emotionality that ruled my life for the first year. i had not put it together in my own mind that the mood swings may not be just weak will. i couldn't figure out how i was to ever be "gay" again after i had morphed into such a loser. death would have been a welcome option really, i was that detached. i could only find 1 or 2 persons here in denver going through a similar situation, and my impression was that they were pretty damaged as well and didn't want any companionship.

then i read an article in poz magazine in 2004 called "Turning The Tables On Tina" and it catapulted my dark and oh-so-depressed world. i was very familiar with peter staley and his ACTUP work in the eighties and already had measurable respect for him. and when i realized i really wasn't alone in faltering and making mistakes in my life, and that taking action to change what i thought was wrong or broken in my life and in my surroundings could perhaps change my life, a wind of inspiration blew through me. inspiration comes from unexpected places most times and can be a miraculous thing. it has proven to be such a thing in my life. i have come to a place in my life where i expect to be inspired now, and i try to make room for it in my heart and my mind.
it is what keeps me alive and happy.

inspiration

i am driving up to winter park today to visit the winter park mountain lodge where the roundup will be held in early august with several other members of the board. we want to map out locations for the workshops, the speaker meetings, and the basic layout of the land. we are planning on having sunrise meetings outdoors and we want to do a quick hike to make sure it is do-able for most attendees. we have to have alternatives in case of rain, etc... i am going to propose that clean and sober plus host a moonlight meeting at night and i want to see if there is a space for that. i would like to again extend an invitation for anyone reading who is in recovery, and working a 12 step program to consider coming to colorado for the roundup. a weekend retreat of comraderie, fun, and spirituality can be amazingly rejuvenative and realize and remember that we are not alone in this journey of recovery. www.rockymountainroundup.org

 

i found this link in my searches. i really love things that are in-my-face, or make me pause.

pamela

 

and that led me to this :

HIVLA

what i actually was looking for was this quote by wayne dyer:

WHEN YOU CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS

THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE


and that is how inspiration now works in my life. one thing leads me to another and i welcome and anticipate being inspired somehow. and it is a fantastic way to approach life.

blessings be!

 

 

oh and if you click on the "low" video in the sidebar(love these guys), you will see silliness. and you know i met more than 2 sets of guys in my pnp days who actually party like this (but add tina), and they were both here and in southern california. maybe it's a new subspecies. i'm not quite sure.

i think i'd rather be kissed

 

i have been thinking about kissing today. and that probably does have something to do with the fact that i haven't done it in awhile. i watched the  mtv movie awards last night. will and sasha certainly yukked it up with regard to  2 men kissing as did adam and that guy from king of queens. i guess i just don't think it's that funny anymore. as a matter of fact, i really like kissing. at least with the right person. always have. i mean don't get me wrong, i certainly have admired other activities (and still do).  fun guy with big cock  (don't even think this ad belongs to me) but i do love dating, kissing, being kissed and being listened to ,rather than being fucked, fucked over or being fucked with.

 

funny how time has changed things in my life in this regard. thank you universe for that fact. it was what it was, but i am happy it has gotten to where it is now. here's a little buble - have a lipsmackin' day!

...Thing Called Love
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