shared footprints

as i read the comments from today's earlier post as well as some of the emails i got, i felt lifted. there are commons spaces and footprints. there are shared experiences still out in the world, too. sometimes it has seemed a solo journey. but, that's my head telling me something that just ain't necessarily so.

big smooch to y'all. thank you universe for allowing me to see that it can be good and that i'm not alone in much of the way i frame the world.

theoretical model of change

creating change in my life is not a simple endeavor. it can be very easy to decide to change, and it is not difficult to desire something different, or to visualize myself in another situation. i can even go so far as to make plans on how to get to that place of change. this is not complicated. i.e.- i want to bulk up in my chest and pecs. i will start to go to the gym a little extra time and spend that time concentrating my energy on building those body parts. i can picture my arms with bigger guns (or grown up puppies as it were) and with my long ignored almost man-boobs having shrunk and firmed up so tight that i can bounce a quarter off them.

all this is easy. and it's fun, imagining this change in my life. and i have imgagined change just like this on many occasions in many different areas of my life. the difficulty for me is taking the steps to make that change plan work. getting up earlier every day and actually spending that time concentrating on those body parts. doing the time at the gym and working those muscles. tracking my growth so that i not only imagine the change and the growth, but documenting it so i have proof and i have extra incentive. and if i get to the space i want to be with my body, then diligently keeping up the work that it took to get me there.

this is the difficult part of change. action stage and maintenance stage in the stages of change model. taking the steps, doing the work, and continuing to do the work to maintain the benefits. it has to become part of my life if i want it to stay.

the beauty of this to me is that i can begin this at any stage of my life. and i can use this model for change in almost every aspect of my life. including the way i think about and treat myself. i am soooooo thankful for the insight this little model gives me. thankful too, that i get a chance to attempt to be a better person.

homophobia

since i just did the post about character defects, i thought that i would start with my most garish and prevalent defect - internalized homophobia - which translates to self hatred and self criticism. it is definitely my nemesis. it has fueled many of my destructive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. i am a sissy. indeed, i can't tell you why, really. i can give you reasons, or excuses, about the way i was raised, about the things i endured growing up, about why i act like a sissy, or talk like a sissy (as far as i know, i don't walk like a sissy, although i certainly can if the need arises).

this singular yet extremely complicated part of my being, though, is one of the most polarizing in my community. if i were to ask most gay men what they found attractive in other gay men, this particular trait would never be on the top ten of any list. as a matter of fact, it would be at the bottom five of a huge percentage. and in reality, it really is not at the top of my list either. more likely, it is at the bottom of mine, too. so it is something i completely understand and identify with. but, can you understand my conundrum? be proud, while i hate part of myself.

funny, i am almost humiliated just typing this, knowing i may actually publish it. but if i am ready to have god remove all my character defects, i have to be willing, really willing. the truly stinging aspect to all of this is not that i am a sissy. i am clear on that. it is that i am judgemental. it is that i can despise and loathe-no matter what it is- and i guess i really do.

so when i say i am ready to have god remove all these defects of character, it has to include my homophobia. i cringe when i think about asking for anything around this item, to be honest. my own homophobia is so deeply a part of my core protection. how do i let it go? this is the poison that kills so many of my contemporaries. this is the gay man's achilles heel. this causes us to attack each other, to lose our footing, to step away from who we really are. i guess i had better go to my bathroom mirror and ask for H-E-L-P again. well, i may have to be a little more willing first.

here's one thing i know. sissies, along with drag queens and stone butch dykes were hugely instrumental in securing the actual freedoms we take for granted today. they were the ones that were being beaten up with regularity and subsequently fought back, went to jail, and came right back outa jail for more. it appears that culturally, we have repaid these ground breakers by enjoying the fruits of their labor and pushing them to the outsides of the pack allowing them to be picked off by the wolves more easily. or is it just really hoping they will protect us? exactly what does that rainbow flag stand for anyway? is there just not a color for sissies? well maybe there is when it's time for us to laugh.

am i ready to have this defect in the form of judgement removed? i hope so. i really am tired of it. and i don't see how it's serving me at all. and if we can't learn to stop hating ourselves, how can we expect others to stop? evidently, homophobia (internalized and otherwise) must stop with me.


this clip is a little over 6 minutes. i realize this is a huge amount of time for bloggers or anyone else these days. but it immediately tugged at my heart. i loved the film when it was released, and now i remember why. it was reminiscent of my own boyhood in some respects. i'm sure you'll understand if you can stick with it.

h e l p

sunday, while driving back from winter park, i was listening to a recording of a speaker from the florida roundup 2005 and i got an additional aha. he was talking about spending his fortune(and he had been making a LOT of money) on some cowboy daddy for the four years prior to his bottoming out and getting into 12 step. the cowboy had taught him how to shoot up meth and then he spent the next four years basically spending through his money trying to keep the guy from running out on him while he tried to stay high. he had been jailed 5 times, had ruined his career and had been shot by a crossbow by this cowboy(who is currently in prison for attempted murder). cleaning up i hope.

as i listened to him speak about being addicted to this man as well as being addicted to meth, i realized that there are real similarities for me. i was not addicted to any particular man, but i was addicted to a ritual. a sexual ritual, one that i had been repeating over and over for years, with no real concern about the person who it was with. as long as the ritual stayed the same and took place, it didn't really matter who it was. treating men like kleenex or handi-wipes. tricks. this is the thing that has stood out for me from my earlier 4th step, and has kept me numb for the year since i worked that step. i cannot really imagine myself beyond that point.

i know that they say that to forgive oneself is the beginning of the healing, but i never thought i would be able to get to that point. this weekend retreat has indeed helped me to see that i was (and still am) sick and could not help myself. i was doing the best that i could and the only thing i knew how to do. and now i have the opportunity to let go of that behavior and change my motives. i need to take action. the caution here for me is that i have told myself so many times over the years that i would never do certain things again. i told myself i would never have a hangover like that again. i would never drink and drive again i would never miss work again. i would never shoot up again. i would never put myself in those dangerous situations again. and yet i found myself engaged in those very activities with regularity. and i am having difficulty finding trust for myself around this. if i cannot let go of this mindset and this behavior that i have grown beyond, then how can i be free? how can i make room for something better in my life? i engaged in behaviors this past weekend that are not in line with my ideal, and the hook for me was that "sex as validation" piece. i was almost driven to it as if i had been hypnotised. is it all i think i can do? is it all i think i deserve? i know i am ready to try something different, but how?


and because i don't know how to make this change, or where to start, i am going to employ another idea from this speaker's message. take a bar of soap and write H-E-L-P on my bathroom mirror and everyday when i shave, i can read it and remember -

His Ever Lasting Presence

and ask for help from that presence on a daily basis. and at night go into the bathroom and say thank you if i have gotten through another day. i have seen enough miracles in my own life to accept that there is a power greater than me at work. i just always forget that it is okay to ask for help when i don't know what to do next. and you know, i think that help may already be on the way. after all, there is the power of intention that i have come to believe in so well.

i would love to make available online this speaker's recording, but haven't figured out how to do it. i don't want to make it available to everyone, but would love to send it to interested parties. so if you can help me work out how to do this- please get in touch.

these are the years i spent. and this is what they represent. and this is what's in my head. and this is how i feel.

working towards an ideal

just came from a sex, dating, and recovery workshop at the roundup. of course, it raised a few questions for me. the truth of the matter is that i am to be working on my relationship and sexual ideal and so this was certainly appropriate.

i have not been able grasp the concept of what i want, because i had never considered it. there's a line from "jane says" that goes.. "jane says... she doesn't know what love is... she only knows when someone wants her....
i'm really embarrassed to say that on many levels, this rings true for me. it speaks to me on the "sex as validation" level. and that would translate to low self esteem. and that brings me to one of the thoughts provoked by the workshop: the egomaniac with low self esteem. god- you mean i am not the only perv who has these issues?

so how do i consider an ideal when i have no concept beyond this validation cycle? although i am actively trying to move past this behavior, i no longer want to feel that i must be desired to be okay. how do i think about an ideal and not get confused about what i want, what i fantasize about, what i know is unrealistic, and what i need?

one thing that is coming clear is that i am not set on exactly what i want, but some things are coming into focus. i want to be able to be myself with someone. and not feel embarrassed because i'm me. and i want to want to be honest. not forced to be honest, but compelled to be honest. i need to be supported and be expected to be supportive. and you know, it would be fantastic if i was needed. i honestly believe that if those things were in place, coupled with a great sense of fun, laughter, and community service, my inner light would shine much brighter. and for me, the sex part could develop and grow(with nourishment and care). with sex, the old version of "hot" is no longer a huge priority for me.....it has changed and intimacy has moved forward.

mike jones

colorado springs pride parade 2007

rebuilt plus

richard kearns from aids-write -writer, activist, humanitarian, and angeleno, celebrated his 700th post recently with 3 poems. here is one.

true
as truth
distinct
as laughter
familiar
as dream
unforgotten
the way blossoms
grow from
poems
writ in seeds
each journey’s eye
opens in
one city

all roads
go there
all promises
all satisfactions
depart in
the company of
travelers
moving on

ask your heart