hi my name is warrior scout and i am an addict. i have said these words countless times over the last few years. and they have become a mantra of sorts for me. i need never forget where meth has taken me. it doesn't seem an issue today, because grace has delivered me from the hell i knew with tina, but really it wasn't so long ago when i struggled with even being able to say that phrase-"i am an addict". i guess it took a long time to let go of the idea of using successfully again. i think i had held the concept that i can get high when i want to for so long that it just took some time to reverse that. i no longer believe that meth is within my grasp.
what became hard for awhile after that was the lack of sexual activity that happened when not using meth. i mean, i had engaged in so much sex with so many people that to cut that out was completely like science fiction in its immediate disappearance and i was then left to look at my relationship with casual sex in its entirity. like it or not, that is really a bit like castration for a gay man. i mean, most gay men are intrinsically linked to their sexual prowess and are advocates for the casual encounter. but, i don't have to be concerned with the rest of gay men. only me. and i still really dig sex, i just no longer want to have it anonymously, or for no reason other than itself, or in place of conversation.
but one of the really strange rings of fire to walk through in the gay community is to be in recovery and remain vitally gay. i mean socially gay, and sexually gay, and politically gay. self medication is a gay past-time and is the norm in our world. at least in the cities. to be a gay man in recovery is a quirk. you are immediately separate from the pack. and it takes some courage to walk thru that fear. especially when your choice of abstinence may trigger fear and paranoia in another self medicating queer. and hurt feelings may ensue.
i am hoping somehow to help create a bridge for recovery in our community, at least here in denver. i want to normalize letting go of partying and putting one's life in order. i think it's a highly motivated, life affirming type of action to engage in. i hope the gay men's community can agree someday. and i hope i can assist others in this quest.
what is spiritual? is it outside myself? or is it within?
my first real memory of anything like that at all is when i was grammar school age, i used to dance under the stars at night during the summer. i felt so free and so connected then.
i am not quite sure how to explain just what spiritual means to me. i am not quite sure i understand myself. i am sure i am still learning and developing my concept.
let's see if i can break this down a bit more then. maybe i'll understand better where i am. when i was in my early twenties, i had a group of friends that i hung out with and did quite a lot of drugs with. we used to go out many nights out of the week, get high, and experience our culture in the clubs. we were not "a-list" gays by any means, and i think some of us were more bothered by that than others. however we were intelligent and we were persistent and we were headstrong, so we developed our own sort of niche in clubland and in the community.
besides laughing more than any other time in my life that i can remember, i also take from those days a real memory of being directed to think of doing for others in lieu of getting everything for me. this struck me as so odd, but as i experimented with it, i found it to be true. this was much to my amazement. i guess the surprise fact had something to do with being an only child and not being used to doing anything for anyone.
fast forward a couple of years when i tested positive for hiv and my best friend passed away. i think i felt truly powerless for the first time. even my substance use couldn't cover up that feeling. and i was not quite ready to die as my friend had. so i turned to louise hay for some direction and some comfort. and that is what i got. i learned how to meditate. i started cooking a lot of my own meals so i could put love in while i was cooking. i became acqainted with the lore of stones and their powers and qualities. i became friends with a fantastic woman who was a channel and dealt in love and light. i started experimenting with hands on healing at some aids support groups i attended. and my perception of spirituality and my own place in the world expanded. and became a personal experience and also became real.
none of this, however, was strong enough to overshadow the darkness that my addictions fueled by my bipolar disorder brought to me. and i had to wait many more years to let go of that addiction, attend to my god-granted chemical imbalance before i could really pick up my spiritual tools and start to access them again in a more engaging way.
today, i am still without a full clue. i know that i don't rule the universe. i know that i am where i am (in a somewhat healthy recovery) is due to much more than the simple things i am capable of. i believe that without faith that i will be allright, i am hopeless. and i have been hopeless before, and i prefer not to go back. i need to grow hope like a garden and maintain it with faith and with consistency.
and all i really understand today is that when i focus on what i have and not what i do not have, i am a much happier person. when i seek to help someone else instead of pursuing self interest, i am more content with the person i am. if i try to seek similarity and likeness in the people around me, and not point out the differences, i seem happier too. and so i spend time trying to do these things and be these things that i understand to make me more content and at peace.
once in awhile i hear a song that really speaks to me. i had posted this particular song "drive"on my previous blog site, and i can find even more about it to like now. last year, i went to see chris beckman (from mtv's real world) speak here in denver about his recovery from drug addiction thru a 12 step program. there was a young man singing this song and playing guitar before chris went on. i then knew that the world still holds wonderful surprises for me. i credit this song as a sign that my chi, my soulforce, my raison d'etre might actually begin to realign. actually, their much newer song "dig" is just as compelling for me. i dig this band and dig their messaging.
INCUBUS - Drive
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. But lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? Aah-ah-oo-o-o.
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around. But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.
Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there. Do do do do do do do do do do do ohh wa oh, do do do do do Do do do do do do do do do do do ohh wa oh
i gave my letter of resignation and notice to my current full time position yesterday. it was certainly bittersweet, but it went smoothly. i have learned so much much working with "it takes a village" and i will never be able to get them out of my heart. there has been an opportunity to grow in ways i never would have been able to experience anywhere else. and we did have discussions about collaboration in the future.
my last day is on the 15th and i hope to have some closure with a support group that i co-facilitate on that day. and then i suppose all hell really breaks loose. i will be moving over to "mile high meth project" at the council in a full time capacity beginning the 18th of August. i am excited, and more than a bit nervous at the same time. this is a birthday gift for myself that i have been working towards.
this new gay men's treatment program in denver is already underway. we have been in operation for about 4 months now. we were minimally funded and so we have really only scratched the surface with clinic hours, marketing, etc. there are currently 14 men enrolled in the program, although they are on different levels and paces in their quest to get clean. we have been working with mostly hiv negative men as the funding is based on prevention dollars. it's exciting because there is an opportunity for no cost treatment for gay men with meth addictions (and other addictions soon to follow). however, we just became ryan white funded as well and so we will be serving and treating hiv plus men additionally. and we do plan on treating them as one community. there are agencies in place that treat hiv plus folks separately, but we wonder if the serosorting is really beneficial for all our comrades. those exclusive options are still available around town, but we feel that both non-sero and sero are part of our community and both therefore should be treated equally and together. if we cannot take care of each other, then who will?
in addition to standard treatment options, we will be offering acupuncture, yoga, and a meditation/mind calming group on a weekly basis. i also think we may be offering a support group which will involve dinner on a table set with linen, china, and candles. (ain't that gay!) one point of light is that there hasn't been a new ryan white treatment provider in the city for quite some time.
i think the thing that is most evident to me, and definitely the most challenging, is the high level of emotionality that exists in gay men as the crystal is depleted. their reactions to life and situations have a tendency to be extremely exaggerated and pronounced for at least the 1st six to twelve months. i need constantly to remember that there is a physiological reason for this and take it in stride. and working under this assumption helps me on a daily basis. if i can learn to remain calm, supportive, and patient during these tumultuous times for clients, perhaps i will be able to help them ride out one of the most difficult parts of breaking up with tina.
thank you, universe, for allowing me the opportunity to be of service. for today, there is no better raison d'etre.
oh- btw, can you PLEASE click on the title of this post and sign the manifesto if you haven't already!
and here is one of my very favorite songs that came out around the time of my initial attempts at recovery.
tina.................................never!!!! i don't want these feelings to ever come again. your love is so past tense.
happy friday the 13th. so many urban legends and tales of terror. but for me there is one of hope. this morning i am adding a new segment to my morning workouts. currently, i have been doing 4 days of cardio at the gym in the morning before i shower and head off to work. i have been talking with a friend and we have decided to jog a couple of couple of mornings in city park as it is very close to both our homes and we may have a chance to catch up now and again. it's nearly 5am and i am getting ready to head out the door for the first go 'round the park. i am not typically a runner, but i did run while i was at the miami roundup- early in the morning, too. it was a beautiful wakeup to run along the beach and watch the sunrise.
today, i am leading a presentation to the ryan white treatment community on msm, drugs, and hiv. i have pulled the presenters together, and i am planning on incorporating some of my personal experiences into my piece. the most compelling for me is the piece about engaging the client in working with the provider in helping others. this is a direct correlation to a 12step principle and in my case, it has added immense value back into my life, where there had been zero self worth at one time. addiction blows a hole in the soul. i tell my clients that i think i had lost my heart. i couldn't find it when i was "in my cups". and recovering people need to find "a place to put their hearts" in order to really start to enjoy life again. and it has allowed me the grace to find purpose in my hopeless struggles. (thank you again, universe)
the spirit of the ryan white legislation calls for the inclusion and the participation of hiv plus individuals at all levels of treatment. as a matter of fact, it is mandated at the city and state administration levels, i.e planning councils. and it used to be the same in most hiv/aids community organizations. sadly, i don't think this is the case any longer. this is most likely due to the advent of the cocktail. but i think the idea of including the patients in the treatment process on an interactive level is high minded and forward thinking. we are the ones who have to make treatment work in a real time environment. and we do hold some very important keys to the solution.
i got a heads up from richard kearns at aids-write about this post. it was originally posted on craigslist on july 4th. it's fascinating and i thought i would share it.
i have some opinions here, but i would rather hear what you may have to say.
wow- i got moist just typing those words. i picked this up from ron hudson's blog. i guess dennis kucinich has introduced some legislation that makes good sense. it is independence day after all damnit! there are many common themes in this post and this video. abuse is probably the most glaring. if it were lindsey lohan, britney spears, or brad pitt, we would be driving the papparazzi to hound them insatiably, but since they are only world leaders and drive decisions affecting our economy we don't seem to give much of a damn. or are we just whipped into submission and apathy?
Representative Dennis Kucinich has introduced H. Res. 333
The news here is not that Rep. Kucinich has introduced legislation to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. It is news, in my opinion, because it is time to bring the secrecy, deception and agenda of the office of the Vice President to light. The fact that President Bush has stepped in via an act of extreme cronyism to commute the sentence of Scooter Libby only shows the extent to which this administration will do anything to hide its secrets. Since they will not allow justice to be meted out in a way that holds all Americans equally under the law, it is time to hold them accountable.
I urge House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to put impeachment of the President and Vice President back on the table for this Congress' agenda. I ask that my Representative David Price support House Resolution 333 to impeach the Vice President. I ask that my Senators, Burr and Dole, do the same if any such resolution makes its way to the Senate. I ask someone to be bold and to introduce impeachment proceedings against President Bush. It is time for the opposition to be bold. The administration has surpassed bold and moved right into brazen.
If you want to see Vice President Cheney impeached, please contact your Representative in the US House and ask them to support HR333. You may also ask them to introduce legislation to impeach the President. Representative John Conyers, House Judiciary Committee Chairman, has similarly indicated his intention to intensely scrutinize Bush Administration policies and the actions of the President and Vice President. You may want to contact his office to ask for his support.
Feel free...all of these people work for you and they are setting examples for all Americans, especially our kids, on how we expect our government to work.
posted by Ron Hudson at 7:09:00 PM |
i can easily find the strength to say goodbye to mr cheney in public office. your day in the sun may need to close. it's time to let others shine.
thank you to fagat guide for their post today, too. it made me smile. fagatguide
and subsequently, hello to you mr potts. i wholeheartedly support your reach for your dreams. you inspire me. and i gain hope from you making it through to the next round.
this meth scandal that is. you know, i just love gay men. or at least i try to. as i listened to susan kingston of seattle speak about crystal meth, hiv, the hype, the myths, the elephant in the room, and the solution, i wondered about something weird and familiar. i had a vague feeling that i have heard these things before. it really was like some strange deja vu, or else the perspective she was offering felt so right that it just seems i have heard it previously.
she really talks with ease and insight when she speaks about gay men. i could tell that she honestly cares and has quite a bit of working knowledge in this arena. i have no doubt that she has worked with hundreds of gay men around their addictions. and i have no doubt that she really likes us as a culture. the truth is that not that many of us are actually doing this meth thing. at least not to the levels that the gay media and the dea would have us believe. roughly about 10%. it has become an epidemic because it many times involves a dual diagnosis of sorts, crystal meth and hiv. having to deal with both of these issues simultaneously can really be a double whammy. most folks have enough on their hands trying to get through and over an addiction, let alone the complications of the ugly stepsister hiv, too. and when it falls into this dual diagnosis category, many times it also falls under the auspices of public treatment dollars i.e ryan white funding. and that costs all of us.
on of my concerns for my tribe is the long term effects of that less than pretty stepsister hiv. for us plus guys, what exactly are the tolls she takes on us? how are we to deal with the inevitable depression that comes and goes through time? i mean, having to change our sexual habits, practices, and beliefs when we are not really ready is no easy task. i mean, suddenly i have to wrap my dick in a baggy in order to attempt to get closer to someone. subsequently, getting close really becomes an oxymoron here and one of the elephants in the room that i don't hear any discussion on. we are afraid to express our distaste of the whole situation because we don't want to be looked at like pariahs. well- guess what.... we are judging ourselves that way. i mean, after all, we define ourselves by our sexuality... i.e. homosexuals... because this is an integral part of who we are. and we are forced to alter this with safe sex and constantly reminded that it is our "population" that is the most vulnerable. i contend we have every right to to dislike this direction. can i blatantly plug microbicides here once again?
now let's talk about the other elephant in the room. why are gay men using meth? well silly, because it feels good. simple. uncomplicated. it's not evil when it is started. it becomes a monster. it is a simple recreational thing. as a rule, gay men condone getting high. it's part of our culture to use alcohol, cocaine, ghb, special k, x, cigarettes, pot, viagra, and especially poppers. meth is just one more thing. we have turned it into something else because it is easier than looking at it more holistically and it would mean that we all have to look at our own drug use. and i don't know if we are ready for that.
i know that i did not start using crystal for sex. i used it for other reasons, albeit self-medication. the sex part was just a bonus for me. it was not expected that i would have more sexual encounters in the few years i did meth than i had the previous 10 years before that. i was in my mid-forties after all. initially, i liked the energy i got, the weight loss, and the euphoric happiness that counterbalanced some depression i had been experiencing for some time. long term hiv survivorship has its struggles. and i had not a clue about trying to deal with them. i didn't even know i might be susceptible to them. there is no map. there is no guidebook. i guess it's time we got one.
but depression is not the only reason gay men (in the 10-15% range) are using meth. there is a gallimaufry of reasons. but are they all connected to something deeper. and this question leads me to ponder the crux of the meth and the continuing seroconverion issue- we may be looking for a way to connect. we may, indeed, be looking for something deeper and more authentic in our lives that just sex. and i don't believe we actually have a clue about how to actualize or even verbalize that.
i was reading brian finch's post and the comments from yesterday and i was not surprised by how many men in recovery are not engaging in sexual activity to the same levels as they were during their times of active use. it is because without the veil of delusion, we know we want something a bit more. a bit more authentic. a bit more real. at least i know i want that. i am just sad to report that i am not sure i know how to go about living that. or was it because we don't have the confidence to interact freely without being high?
according to susan kingston, if we want to try to end these maladies in our tribe, we need to learn to love each other and care for each other differently. this is a tall order. i know that sometimes, being sober, and going into a room full of gay men is like walking a mine field. i never know when my feelings are going to be blown apart.
whether this fear is based in reality or not, it is present. i think that gay men for
so long have developed, pruned, and honed their abilities to be catty, critical, and calculating. we know this about each other, and we accept this behavior. as a matter of fact, we applaud this activity. sometimes even award it. look at karen and jack from "will and grace". icons. fucking gay icons and completely toxic.
i read "the velvet rage" by alan downs last year. his particular observations have rocked my sense of "what is". i believe that (i will personalize this) i do not feel lovable deep down and therefore am always looking to counteract that core feeling. the best way i had come up with it until last year, was through sex and through my work. if i could excel at work and was able to engage in sexual activity, i had worth and was lovable, for a short time. the sex was extremely fleeting validation. i am working on myself these days. i am trying, with tenacity, to be present and to find a more authentic validation in my life. it is not easy, and again, there is no roadmap for me.
i do believe i want to connect on a more real level with the gay men in my life, both personally, and professionally. but it takes more than me to make a movement. kingston mentioned dealing with anyone with a meth issue as if they were someone very important in your life that you wouldn't give up on, no matter what. that this kind of investment is what it would take to change the world. i believe her. and i believe that that same approach will work with new hiv seroconversions in our community as well. and i think it's a good approach with the long term hiv survivors, both plus and neg. after all, we have survived a war and are still fighting a battle. and we need to remember that, and honor that, and honor each other. but first, i believe, we have to learn to honor and love ourselves. not in a narcissistic way, but in an unselfish and forgiving manner. i know that is a tall order for me.
just as the title indicates, this is the day set aside to bring forth the idea that everyone would benefit by knowing their status. it seems that a good many of the newer seroconversions could very well be due to the fact that people are unaware of their status and engaging in behaviors and continuing the cycle. it is assumed that if they knew they were hiv plus, they probably wouldn't be as likely to engage in such behaviors.
i am really looking forward to the day. i think it probably is a good idea to get tested. if nothing more than to add to the intention of the day. i know it will be a lot of listening, but that is allright with me today. here is how i'll be spending my day. rod's day
it has not been possible to confirm the deaths karen reported.
but the waiting line to stay alive in the land of health & wealth & the capitol of the global war industry raises troublesome questions.
suppose tomorrow — national HIV testing day, 2007 — was wildly successful beyond our greatest deranged imaginings and we identified every one of those CDC-estimated quarter of a million persons with HIV infections in the united states.
National HIV Testing Day (NHTD) is an annual campaign produced by the National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA-US) to encourage at-risk individuals to receive voluntary HIV counseling and testing.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 180,000 to 280,000 people nationwide are HIV-positive but are unaware of their status. HIV counseling and testing enables people with HIV to take steps to protect their own health and that of their partners, and helps people who test negative get the information they need to stay uninfected.
Across the country, thousands of HIV counseling and testing sites, state and local health departments, and community-based HIV/AIDS service providers will participate in NHTD events, by holding health fairs, providing community and media outreach, hosting special testing-related events or operating extended hours. Some of these events may be scheduled in the days and weeks surrounding NHTD. Campaign materials including posters, for use by these groups have been developed by NAPWA and are available for order or to download.
NHTD organizers will also reach out to communities at increased risk of HIV infection, including African American and Latino populations, both of which are disproportionately affected with HIV when compared to other demographic groups in the United States. The campaign also highlights this Web site, which allows users to locate HIV testing sites in their area.
Founded in 1983, NAPWA is the oldest coalition of people living with HIV/AIDS in the world and the oldest national AIDS organization. NAPWA advocates on behalf of all people living with HIV and AIDS in order to end the pandemic and human suffering caused by HIV/AIDS. HIV-positive people have a unique role to play in HIV prevention and promotion of voluntary HIV counseling and testing. This is the thirteenth year of National HIV Testing Day.
Support of some NHTD activities is provided by federal and corporate sponsors.
Media that wish to obtain more information on NHTD should contact NAPWA. Phone: 240-247-0880. Email: NHTD@NAPWA.org.
To learn more about how to participate in NHTD, visit the NAPWA HIV Testing Day Web site, www.napwa.org/hivtestinfo/ or email nhtd@napwa.org.
and here i go- trying to keep my eyes and my heart open to what the day may bring.
today is a short post. i am hoping to start a conversation about rectal microbicides in my city. i don't hear about them much here. i only hear about them on lifelube . but the implications are exciting to me. they are exciting because i never liked giving head to a baggie. and condoms are much more work than i've ever heard eluded to. i think rectal microbicides may bring a new face, a new voice, and a fresh perspective to safer behavior and to gay men taking care of each other. just what do you think?
i am so grateful for brian's post today at acidrefluxweb. it is such a breath of fresh air to hear somebody serve up some more sanity and balance to a very one-sided conversation. kisses and curtsies to you my friend. i really needed to hear this today. gay men who are positive and gay men who are negative both share responsibility in opening up about status. there is not a rock on this planet that anyone can hide under to say they didn't know. it is NOT okay to rip off someone whom you didn't ask prior to investigation. and it is never okay to assume it is someone else's responsibility to take care of me.
on a lighter note: men4men4life is in the process presenting a hand-holding event at pride festival at 2pm. the location is tbd. the idea, i believe, is to hold hands for two minutes or so to make a visible statement to denver that there are gay men willing and wanting to stand together side by side to make some changes in the way we treat each other. i really am looking forward to this event.
since i have posted this tune before, i opted for something that would nurture the teenager within. he's totally a dreamboat. and on a more serious note............... i really do believe that gay men....... both negative and positive......... we belong together
. i am beginning the construction for tina's talking wall today. i got the wood for the actual wall and ideally i would like to paint those out white. but more importantly, i need to work out the support mechanisms that are going to keep them standing while 100,000 people pass by- hopefully with several thousand stopping to actually write down a thought or two. so it needs to be sturdy and simple.
i'm proud of the work i do. but i may be in need of some new boundaries for myself. i think today is a great day for some time out. laughter might be a necessary nutritional supplement today. if only i didn't have the whole day scheduled for service work...(i'm trying to figure out where the job ends and the recreation begins?) i guess i'll just have to pray on it. hope you find time to have some fun and get a good laugh in.
I have decided to take a working vacation and spend some time in my home town of Chicago. The evening session at the National Testing Day Event at the new Center on Halsted holds some promise of great interest for me. Susan Kingston really has pioneered some amazing work and the programs in King County are exemplary. She is the featured speaker for the third session that day. I wonder sometimes, if she is more than a mere mortal. She seems to see truths before others do and tells it as she sees it and so eloquently to boot. And I am completely vexed.
Here's just a single example of the great work at Seattle King County.
The Program She is Presenting at Dynamic Women Speakers at the Center on Halsted Mark National HIV Testing Day on Your Calendars
In conjunction with National HIV Testing Day on Wednesday, June 27, the Center on Halsted and the AIDS Foundation of Chicago will present an exciting, FREE, day-long lecture series entitled: "Preventing HIV: Ethics, Activism, and Promising New Strategies."
The event is organized into three parts: a morning talk - “The Brave New World of HIV Prevention: Human Rights, Human Risks” by amfAR's acting director for public policy Dr. Monica Ruiz, a mid-day lecture - “Public Health: Is it Good Medicine for Women Impacted by HIV?" by world-renowned activist Louise Binder of the Canadian Treatment Action Council and Voices of Positive Women, and an evening session with Susan Kingston, a methamphetamine expert from Seattle, titled “Crystal Meth Uncensored: What the DEA and the Gay Media Won't Tell You”.
for information please visit... AIDSCHICAGO maybe i'll see you in chicago
p.s. i added bronski beat to backtrackin in the sidebar. hope you enjoy the memories as much as i have. "pushed around and kicked around, i was a lonely boy"
All leadership comes down to this: changing people's behavior. and i have decided to start with my own.
a couple of men from other cities have contacted me over the last month in response to an entry i made about the size of the roundup fellowship here in denver. they declared that no such fellowship of measurable size exists in their respective cities. i can empathize with that so much because when i first got clean here it was a very meagre scene. i really didn't care too much if i saw the people who attended meetings outside the 12 step rooms, as they weren't my 1st choice of companions. but then, another guy and i began talking about the "gay" recovery rooms being pretty lame, except for aa which had a fairly longstanding and strong presence , although perceived as stand-offish with newcomers. there was quite a bit of "personality disorder" abounding in the other fellowships and it was, well to put it succinctly, annoying. so we began a new meeting which was open but definitely marketed and geared towards gay men in recovery from crystal. we asked a couple of other guys we knew from the rooms to join our attempt. it was strange, exciting, and fearful. and it took a few months but the meeting did find a voice.
from this meeting, and the intention behind it, we have met some addicts and drunks in long term recovery who have moved here from other cities where the "GLBT recovery" is more cohesive than it was in denver. and we have collected and merged our intentions to be a fun, inclusive, and recovery oriented social group. we try to celebrate recovery, and laugh while we are doing it, because 12 step helped save our collective asses, our sanity, and our lives. and we do celebrate.
just as in the early 80's when we had no access to legislation around the pandemic which swept through our communities and we had to create our own networks and systems and support, so do we have that same challenge in recovery. and we have found that people in recovery seem to be coming out of the woodwork in kind. and i believe that it is because we, human beings- gay men and lesbians et al, need community as well as really want it. being able to hold my head up again with my face towards the sun and being able to look at myself in the mirror is worth celebrating. and it is worth being acknowledged by others. we don't get clean to isolate and hide ourselves. we don't get clean to go back in the closet. and we don't suddenly become spinsters or clergy or celibates- well most of us don't.
so, to these very intelligent guys who have suggested that there are not so many men in recovery in their cities, or that there is no recovery community, i say "i hear you". there didn't seem to be much here, either. but we are just changing ourselves. and the fellowhips, the rmru board, and the community have grown around us. it's not always all fun, it's work- service work. but it is fun. and it's rewarding. and it is a vital resource for others who are not as strong. we all need to see happy on someone else's face to remember we can see it on our own faces again, too.
i am really not that smart a guy. this metamorphosis in our little burg has been the work of many hearts and voices. i know, though, that i had to change my heart and voice to find a kindred spirit.(after all, i'm not the only gay in the village) lol. i believe, wholeheartedly, that we are everywhere. so i offer- get busy.... someone else who is trying to get/stay clean needs your help... if you build it, they will come. and if you need inspirationn, come celebrate with us in winter park. happiness can be contagious.
"Consciously or unconsciously, every one of us does render some service or other. If we cultivate the habit of doing this service deliberately, our desire for service will steadily grow stronger and we will make not only our own happiness, but that of the world at large".... Gandhi
impaired adj 1: diminished in strength, quality, or utility; "impaired eyesight" [ant: unimpaired] 2: mentally or physically unfit [syn: afflicted]
chinese calligraphy for "shit"
i have been a bit distracted lately. not sure why really. there is a lot on my plate right now. i think i am afraid i will not do something well. or will fail at something. or expect some impending doom. i know i write here often about expecting good things to happen, and i believe that. to a point. then i revert back to my old ways of doomseeing and doomsaying. god is it tedious.
i am becoming a substance abuse counselor, as well as doing hiv plus advocacy work and some days it is quite draining. i am honestly happy to do the work. i just get a tad blown away when i am lied to, and manipulated, and tested, and challenged on a fairly steady basis. and then i have the charge of witnessing men abusing themselves and torturing themselves emotionally and physically. and i know that in most cases, it is the brain that is fucked and not the person. i guess i am just gonna have to allow myself to be human once in awhile and work through taking some of this shit personally.
when i call somebody on their discrepanies, am i doing the right thing? do i just let them continue to bullshit me and themselves? is that what is called meeting the client where they are at? you know, most of the time, this is really not a problem for me. i feel a bit guilty writing about it here. but i do want any tweakers who might be reading this, to know that people in my position actually do care. sometimes we have to figure out the best approach to caring. and that approach is different with everyone.
on a lighter note- rocky mountain roundup had a bbq and no-talent show last nite. i think 80 or so people came. it was sedate, jovial, and civilized. the most fascinating thing to me is that people are genuinely friendly most of the time at these functions.
i think i mentioned the talking wall before. i have to work through that whole idea and the mile high meth project booth before the end of next week. i really need a compelling question about hiv to ask in conjunction with the "how has crystal meth touched your life?" you can check the original out for yourself here... Crissy's Talking Wall i am especially intrigued by the cyberwall. there are so many eerie bits there.
i know that i struggle once in awhile with how tough my life has been . and then i run across something like this video and realize i really need to wake the fuck up and find gratitude. the only suffering i do is between my ears. my shit feels tough, yes, but i really don't know torture, i don't know terror, i don't know trauma as intimately as some do. and i am truly grateful for that blessing. i cannot even imagine what life is like in darfur. but i guess it's my responsibility to do just that.
"we do not need military might, we need peacekeepers to move into darfur and protect the civilians that are being killed".
As soon as you’re born they make you feel small By giving you no time instead of it all Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be They hurt you at home and they hit you at school They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be
When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty odd years Then they expect you to pick a career When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be
Keep you doped with religion and sex and tv And you think you’re so clever and classless and free But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be
There’s room at the top they are telling you still But first you must learn how to smile as you kill If you want to be like the folks on the hill A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me If you want to be a hero well just follow me
Here are some shots of the drive to winter park. these pics look pretty damn good for a camera phone. thank you alex. we were headed to the winter park mountain lodge to scope out the layout for the roundup in august. the music was blasting and everyone in my car was singing along. it is so therapeutic to let loose like that, and i think it is spiritual to move sound through the body. it was a successful trip, too. i got out of town for a day, which i really needed. and we mapped out most of the weekend. except for the hike-to-meetings and the moonlight meetings. i will be ready for the roundup, and i will be ready for the change. i will need that getaway.
btw, if you are interested in coming, but leary of expenses or want to share a room, the rocky mountain roundup has a room share link - ROOM SHARE
I'm proud of the work i do... and i love it too. i have so many things going right today. i am blessed to love what i do. i almost feel like singing..
The practice of using sound to heal and achieve balance has existed for centuries. Australian Aboriginals and Native American shamans use vocal toning and repetitive sounds, along with instruments created from nature, in sacred ceremony to adjust any imbalance of the spirit, emotions or physical being. The priests of ancient Egypt knew how to use vowel sounds to resonate their energy centers or chakras.
“For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness.” Reba McEntire
