spiritual

this image is from the hawaiiforgivenessproject.

what is spiritual? is it outside myself? or is it within?

my first real memory of anything like that at all is when i was grammar school age, i used to dance under the stars at night during the summer. i felt so free and so connected then.

i am not quite sure how to explain just what spiritual means to me. i am not quite sure i understand myself. i am sure i am still learning and developing my concept.


let's see if i can break this down a bit more then. maybe i'll understand better where i am. when i was in my early twenties, i had a group of friends that i hung out with and did quite a lot of drugs with. we used to go out many nights out of the week, get high, and experience our culture in the clubs. we were not "a-list" gays by any means, and i think some of us were more bothered by that than others. however we were intelligent and we were persistent and we were headstrong, so we developed our own sort of niche in clubland and in the community.

besides laughing more than any other time in my life that i can remember, i also take from those days a real memory of being directed to think of doing for others in lieu of getting everything for me. this struck me as so odd, but as i experimented with it, i found it to be true. this was much to my amazement. i guess the surprise fact had something to do with being an only child and not being used to doing anything for anyone.

fast forward a couple of years when i tested positive for hiv and my best friend passed away. i think i felt truly powerless for the first time. even my substance use couldn't cover up that feeling. and i was not quite ready to die as my friend had. so i turned to louise hay for some direction and some comfort. and that is what i got. i learned how to meditate. i started cooking a lot of my own meals so i could put love in while i was cooking. i became acqainted with the lore of stones and their powers and qualities. i became friends with a fantastic woman who was a channel and dealt in love and light. i started experimenting with hands on healing at some aids support groups i attended. and my perception of spirituality and my own place in the world expanded. and became a personal experience and also became real.

none of this, however, was strong enough to overshadow the darkness that my addictions fueled by my bipolar disorder brought to me. and i had to wait many more years to let go of that addiction, attend to my god-granted chemical imbalance before i could really pick up my spiritual tools and start to access them again in a more engaging way.

today, i am still without a full clue. i know that i don't rule the universe. i know that i am where i am (in a somewhat healthy recovery) is due to much more than the simple things i am capable of. i believe that without faith that i will be allright, i am hopeless. and i have been hopeless before, and i prefer not to go back. i need to grow hope like a garden and maintain it with faith and with consistency.

and all i really understand today is that when i focus on what i have and not what i do not have, i am a much happier person. when i seek to help someone else instead of pursuing self interest, i am more content with the person i am. if i try to seek similarity and likeness in the people around me, and not point out the differences, i seem happier too. and so i spend time trying to do these things and be these things that i understand to make me more content and at peace.