brilliance

damaged goods. i wonder just how difficult it is to pull oneself up from such a deep hole one has dug for themselves. it is no surprise or nothing unusual for musicians to have danced very dangerously with a dark muse, but it has got to be excruciatingly hard to listen and read all the shit that has been polluting the web and press and find the courage to see beyond it. 

i am very sorry that this happened to you amy. being lost is so very hard enough. it's ugly that you got bullied, too. 

peace to you. you are brilliant in my eyes.

lucky

image credit.... daniel sannwald

yesterday i stood before a guy who has been twisting and turning in the harsh winds of his enduring  romance with crystal. he was crying from his guts as he seared with frustration that his grandmother's memorial services might go on without  him because he has been coming up short on fulfilling his probation.  he fucking really needed to cry.

some thoughts he shared out loud included " i keep finding myself in this position, rod." "when my mother died i was in jail and i couldn't be there"."when my father passed, i was in jail and wasn't there for my family." "and now again i am here and i am offering no support for them. i was supposed to be a pall bearer."
'
there is no doubt in my mind that he is still struggling with thoughts to use. he claims abstinence since february and i definitely believe that, but i also believe that in the 4 years i have known him, he has shown an elegance in his perception of what he should say in situations. but here, today, i think the tears and the shadows they unleash are truth.

i softly ask if he is able to find an opportunity in all this. he scoffs at the idea, but does acknowledge that he won't use. inside, i am sure he is lucky to encounter this truth. as i hug him and say so long for the day, i quietly and humbly reflect on the thought that this dance with tina has gotten no better, no less evil, no less degrading. and i am grateful i can sit this one out.

Breakin Up With Crystal

some things don't change. but just 'cuz it's hard doesn't mean it ain't worth it.. in my humble opinion, it's definitely worth it..

seattle has a shift in its approach to queer recovery

http://www.shiftrecovery.org/

Shift is a peer recovery network supporting dynamic recovery paths by uniting our LGBTQ community to experience freedom through empowerment.
Shift is a multi-agency collaboration that provides administrative, emotional, and supervisory support for volunteers and clients in the Seattle/King County area who are Lesbian /Gay /Bisexual /Transgender /Queer / Questioning (LGBTQ) people struggling with drug/alcohol abuse and addiction issues. This peer recovery network was awarded a 1.5 million dollar Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)/ Recovery Community Services Program (RCSP) grant in October 2007 to be used in the first four years of the network's existence. This is the first SAMHSA/RCSP grant awarded to support LGBTQ people in the recovery process. Shift represents a collaboration of agencies, namely Multifaith Works, Seattle Counseling Service, Gay City Health Project, and Dunshee House, each of which brings unique experience and services to the Network. This Network was built to bring the strengths of each agency together MW provides emotional and practical support by providing clients with Shanti and CareTeam volunteers, SCS acts as the referral source for the Network and provides treatment services, GCHP hosts sober social events and community forums, and DH houses recovery support groups and facilitator trainings.
While staff members from each collaborating agency provide support and guidance for the Network, the intent of Shift is to create a safe space for peers to walk together in their journey of recovery. Peer volunteers are people in recovery from drug and/or alcohol addiction who understand the dual stigmas of being an addict and a sexual minority. There is an emphasis on volunteer recruitment, training, and leadership skills development for peer volunteers, as well as the widest possible array of recovery support options for peer clients. The target client population ranges in age, ethnicity, and socio-economic status, and services rendered will be free of charge. By combining services, the collaborative team creates a continuum of care that addresses the spectrum of needs within the LGBTQ recovery community without duplicating specific services. Peer clients also receive information about existing services of any current peer support programs. within King County. Shift?s aim is to support existing programs while expanding their reach into the LGTBQ recovery community

A little more about Multifaith Works:

Multifaith Works defines recovery as "A personal commitment to a collaborative process which incorporates mental, spiritual, and physical health and balance in response to addictive and/ or self damaging behavior."
Multifaith Works has the amazing opportunity in providing those who are newly sober and have a commitment to their recovery a way out of isolation by placing them with a Recovery CareTeam or a Shanti Volunteers.

What are Shanti's and Recovery CareTeams?

The Shanti Program provides one-on-one volunteer-based emotional support. Shanti Recovery Volunteers are experienced in providing support to people affected by alcohol and substance abuse issues.
Our service is aimed at easing the burdens and improving the well-being of people who are living with the challenges of staying sober. We also support their partners, spouses, and family members.  Each Shanti relationship is unique and depends on the needs of the client. The carefully-matched pair usually spends a few hours each week together.
Loneliness, anxiety, depression, and fear can be overwhelming.  By providing supportive listening and companionship, our volunteers help empower clients to identify and meet their own needs.  Our one-to-one support is free, confidential, and always non-judgmental.
A Recovery CareTeam is a group of four to seven compassionate individuals who provide practical, emotional, and spiritual support to a person working through recovery issues. Volunteers come to us as individuals or may be based out of spiritual communities, recovery communities, universities or civic groups.
Recovery CareTeams are matched with people working through addiction issues, referred to as CarePartners. CareTeams build supportive relationships with CarePartners by listening, offering encouragement, and establishing meaningful personal connections. CareTeam activities are directed by the needs and interests of the CarePartner and skills of the volunteers. Support may include: transportation to appointments, phone calls, birthday parties, help with moving, and shared meals.

derby dolls

s

when i saw him, i was taken aback. i am sure my jaw was even a little askew. i know my head was. the last time i saw him he was so put together. he had the smartest  herringbone wool overcoat on top of a blue and white sweater that was reminiscent of a french sailor uniform. he had blue wool slacks that completed the ensemble and his piercing blue eyes complemented the whole look. his skin was smooth, and peach colored, and flawless. his jaw set the tone for a more-than-striking silhouette.by that time in his life he was 35 or so. and his "together" seemed to be starting to fray.

fast forward to the other day when i ran into him and was jolted. after 3 more years of a steady diet of crystal, booze, and whatever else he could manage, the veneer that i had known before had cracked. he remembered me, but not my name. and he didn't really remember from where. he  lost a couple of front teeth. he had swollen as a sprained ankle or wrist swells. his face was puffy and his speech was slurred. and he was speaking very quickly and sing-songish, almost like he was spewing his racing thoughts as limericks. except they didn't necessarily rhyme nor seem to have a beginning or an end. they were songs that seemed out of place here in the street but would be more at home in an aviary. but the words just kept coming. and there i sat trying to stay grounded as he described becoming homeless and then in the next breath talked about getting his real estate license and selling million dollar homes.

this was my half hour with crazy daisy,  another veteran of the biggest meth roller derby team. a dedicated and hard-core player no doubt, at least i know he's not the captain. no-he's simply another member of the league.

today's sound choice is from the soundtrack of whip it. here the breeders with "bang on"

just another day

i met her several years ago. she had gotten some charges (probably distribution) and she presented in complete denial that she had done anything wrong. she consistently claims uninvolvement in anything illegal having to do with meth. her usual story is that the police charges have no merit. she was just in the vicinity, but not attached to any criminal or drug activity. the latest one is that she was standing beside a car that had drugs undernneath it, but she had absolutely no connection. this is typically the same. a most unusual piece of her story remains her weight, as she is obese- a highly unusual attribute for someone who does meth at almost every opportunity.

she did go to serve some time in jail for a legal charge, and she came out 7 or 8 months later declaring a new love for the bible which she claimed to be reading every day. she remained homeless, sort of couch surfing between her childs home and she and her co-horts van. many times i would see her, she would appear kind of gritty, as if she worked as a chimney sweep. she would be coherent on some occasions and completely unbalanced and wired on others. all the while completely denying any relationship with meth at all.

her stance has not shifted much in the years that i have known her. she falls in and out of touch with me depending upon her need. she usually comes around when she is having difficulty with the law and thinks i might be able to help her get out of some trouble.

she has appeared recently again and has not changed much of her banter. there is little chance of change until she feels it necessary. i have already been telling her the truth as i see it for several years now. she doesn't make any changes, but she occasionally acknowledges there may be another truth.

for now this is as good as it gets...

today's sound choice is daniel merriweather with "change"

dopamine.... pleasure unwoven

the following is an excerpt from a film by kevin mccauley titled "pleasure unwoven". his documentary has received awards for its thoughtful look at addiction and recovery and is highlighted in the faces and voices of recovery newsletter for january 2010.

you can learn more about kevin's valiant efforts at his website....





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knowing you, knowing me

“One of the reasons why so few of us ever act, instead of react, is because we are continually stifling our deepest impulses.”.... Henry Miller

today, i watched as man i know shuffled into view and declared how tired he was and needed to change. i believe him. i believe he believes he needs to change. i believe he is tired.he has been wandering for months, hustling for change, and not living in reality. this is not the first reading of this script, nor do i think it will be the last.

i asked where he had been and he retorted with "doing things i shouldn't be doing". cannot even own up to his actions. maybe if he doesn't say its name, he won't have to own it. but that rock has a hold on him that is strong. it is an anesthetic and when i really examine it, i can't do anything but understand the obsession with escapism. some aspects of life are so very dry, real, and hard to look at.

the thing i really know about this situation is that if anyone is in need of change, they have to be ready for it and work for it. it's not like changing a channel on the television. one cannot just press a button and have a whole new program in place. there has to be a conscious effort to move from one thought process to another. one has to be uncomfortable and learn to maneuver in it before a more comfortable reality comes into view.

the co-dependent in me wants to solve another's dilemma. crazy still. i am unable to wade through many of my own night-and-day-mares. yet there i found myself, offering this beautiful lost soul some sound tough love. and i was heard and understood. and then walked away and second guessed myself.

can anyone say prayers?

today's sound choice is an old favorite of mine- the lemonheads... with a cover of "knowing me, knowing you"..... yum yum yum... evan dando..

streets of san francisco

“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.”

i stopped by his house with a friend to see how he was doing. he was seen earlier in pretty bad shape, having been drinking for an indeterminable amount of time. he had been incoherent and spouting off about how terrible things were going for him and he was kind of done with it all. he had marked in red marker on both arms the words "do not resucitate". he had frightened the people who saw him because he was walking with such darkness surrounding him.

so i stopped by his house to find him shouting angrily from the other side of the door. but when he realized it was me and that he would have an audience, he let me in and began to do his thing. he had moved his sofa into the hallway of his floor by the elevators. it was dissheveled and acted like a beacon foretelling what was to be encountered further down that floor.

he repeated himself several times about being evicted. he had received a letter from the manager with a list of indiscretions, including exposing himself to others in the hallways, and crawling through the lobby babbling nonsense as he moved along. he claimed that he doesn't do things like that, and the manager was lying. i asked if he remembered what happened, and he retorted- well,no... but i don't do those things... who can argue with logic like this.

so he is angry and he is trying to get rid of most of the stuff in his apartment. things are strewn all over and many cupboard doors are open with nothing inside. most of what was there seems to be on the floor. and he plops himself down on his floor on a dirty square of rug and swigs from a 1/2 gallon of vodka. he holds court from this position for the rest of the visit, feeling sorry for himself and loving the attention. i admired the magically marked words on his forearms. we talked about residential treatment and he liked this idea. but he wasn't ready to go today.

all he wanted was his vodka in his darkly lit apartment. he had spent the money when he was released from psych and he planned to see that plan through to the end. my role was slight. i was simply a passerby today. all i could do was be present and remind him that he was connected to life by more than just a tether. that hope was real, even if he couldn't tune it in. and i would be there again to offer to help.

as i left, i couldn't help but recall some of the situational cop dramas that i had seen during my childhood. hill street blues, police woman, mod squad, and streets of san francisco. they all were dimly lit and peppered with insanity. the scene from which i just emerged could have been in any one of those shows. it was drama, it was theater, and it was addiction. my job is often simply to witness and wait for opportunity. if it ever comes....

and now a word from our sponsor.....

today's sound choice is the theme song "from the streets of san francisco". check it out... what a line-up.

how to deal

Well I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

now and then, when it's really quiet, i am sure i can hear my brain thinking. it seems a little like a windup toy that just keeps going around and around until it is unwound. it feels directed and it feels inspired, but i have questions about whether it is just rewinding and replaying.

i get inspired. i get emotional. i work toward change. i run into barriers. i challenge my validity. i question my motives. i become sure i'm failing. i realize i may not have a clear picture of the whole situation.

this is a brief synopsis of how my brain and my heart operate on a fairly regular basis. i am newly clean and only now really noticing some of the inner workings of my being. and i am not sure if i am caught in a loop or if it is actually a helix and some third dimensional movement is happening.

i spent the last few days speaking with persons who appear while being cemented in their relationships with avoidance of life. numbing, gaming, lying, forgetting, ignoring, denying, medicating, and spinning out are the vocations that would occupy their time and energy.

this seems a dark patch of living to me. i witness much of this with new eyes. i am defining a role for myself in forging these interactions. it's rather like gathering angel hair at christmas or pruning a rose bush without gloves. there is discomfort and even some pain. and it seems treacherous as the frozen ones are delicate as well as being tough as nails. inside, i believe they might shatter with a veneer as icy as they project.

but acknowledging what's difficult and moving towards it with a little grace are some of the lessons of my new life. nothing will change until i change or at least make overt room for it. these encounters are hard. i don't know what will follow. but i believe there is something to be given and received here. and i hope my heart (and my head) can learn how to deal and lessen much of the pricks and cuts and tears that happen with some of the work i do.

today's sound choice is finger eleven with "paralyzer"

i changed my mind

that's me attending the ballet circa 1995...

‘To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.’

— Henri Bergson

certainly at one point in my life i wanted to be a dancer. i don't know that i had really thought about what that meant, nor had i really experienced what it would be like to go to rehearsals all the time, deal with pain in my feet, my back, my legs, and my ass. i never really considered that i would probably have to fall quite a lot before i got the jumps high enough or the turns to be fast enough or crisp enough.

i never gave it a thought that i would probably have to get paid very little unless i made it to a certain level of my career, or that there would be hundreds of others vying for the same spot.

no, i just knew that to be a dancer was to say "yes" to something very cosmic and it would probably take me to a higher level of consciousness because i would be trysting with the muses.

and my humdrum life really wanted a shot in the arm.

that was when i was 18 or so. my career life has morphed several times since then. i played house in an after hours club for several years. i was a performance artist(waiter) in numerous restaurants, doing shows nightly, and making a decent hourly wage. i came up through the ranks at a travel agency to become a managing partner after 12 years. this allowed me the distinct pleasure of having hangovers and blackouts on almost all the continents of the globe. and i became a butler/cater waiter to private chefs, because the money is quite good and i like food. i guess i have the ability to keep the chefs calm, too, 'cuz they seem to like to have me around.

but i now think that i have been working with other addicts and people in and not quite in recovery and i might have found a "calling" for now. there is a bit of the teacher that gets to appear when i do this work. and some will tell you that i have a gift of gab. i also think i have a unique quality of being able to see through a situation, meaning to discern what may be going on behind the scenes. often i can sniff out motive and hidden agendas. and most certainly, i have years of experience with self-delusion and masquerading feelings. and self-medication of many kinds has peppered (and many times deflated) my aspirations.

anyway, just thought i'd share a bit of my worklife journey. i think i am preparing to construct a new resume and i am looking to approach it much differently than the last one i created. i think my social activities, and my life experiences have added as much if not more to the qualities i can bring to any position as my work experience does alone.

i think a part of me still yearns to be a more creative being. no doubt i think that "dancing" with a muse wields some sort of power that i seem to not possess. but truth be told, unlike before, i believe i am on a good path and that whatever this journey is to teach me is unfolding in its own time and for my benefit.

maybe this is a chat with a muse....

breaking the chain

One day, a boy asked the trainer, “How come your elephant doesn’t break that weak chain and run away?” The trainer explained, “Elephants have a brain that excels in memory and Big Bertha remembers how the chain held her fast when she was a baby; she has stored that remembrance in her brain and will not have any thoughts about attempting to test the chain now.

So, the question and the moral is…are you letting a weak chain keep you tied down and do you not want to break away and be free.

Don’t let childhood memories keep you chained to the past!

from the chained elephant

i have to just say today, how very grateful i am for the grounded quality of my life. i have lived in denver for almost 20 years, and for most of those i have been miserable. mainly, that is due to my own instability. i have always felt that this city was too small, that it was too unhip, that i would never be happy in such an environment, that there is no self-sustaining artistic community, and that it there is not really an atmosphere that supports creativity.

although most of those descriptors can still very much be viewed as truthful, my personal happiness is no longer tied to where i am living. this is a sign of personal growth for me.

a good part of my recovery has been to attend to my bi-polar characteristics. these are a natural part of my being, and have been a crucial and integral part of the successes and the traumas throughout my lifetime. living with a chemical imbalance does not necessarily come with a manual. for me, it's not always easy to turn off emotions and yet still feel. i think it's an individual experience, as is the case of addiction. it requires personal experience, observation, and tenacity to learn to co-exist comfortably with the ups and downs.

medication helps, but doesn't erase the effects of the mood shifts. practice is the only thing that is helping me recognize and learn new reactions to life.

this is very much a part of my recovery experience. i am doing the best i can. sometimes it is so far from perfect that i am embarrassed. but sometimes it is completely acceptable. and it is these times, without the use of self-medication, when i find a way to live through uncomfortability, that i can truly feel, from the inside, the benefits of living a sober life.

somethin to talk about

september is national recovery month and all across the land, cities and townspeople will be gathering in small numbers to support the idea of recovery. for way too long, the problems of addiction, alcoholism, and the drug wars have hogged the spotlight in our hearts and minds.

all the while, the cool fresh breeze of recovery has been wafting in and out of our lives with hardly the bat of an eyelash. but now it seems appropriate (at least to me) that focus shifts from the problem to the solution, however that looks to you.

what i know is that recovery happens. people recover. lives are restored. addictions wane, folks return to work. laughter and smiles come back to broken households and families. bills get paid. mortgages get attended to. new homes get purchased. volunteerism flourishes.

i wholeheartedly encourage each and every one of you to look into advocating for recovery in your areas. work not only with other addicts, but work with those affected by our issues too. employers, hr departments, police departments, city officials.

recovery is good business.

here is the organization i am proud to be associated with here in denver.

Every year, towns, counties, and states around the country observe National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month (Recovery Month) in September. This year, the 19th annual Recovery Month recognizes the impact that real people and real stories have on recovery, and celebrates those who have worked to advance the treatment and recovery landscape.

In 2008, we are highlighting the people for whom treatment and long-term recovery have given a renewed outlook on life. We invite you to take part in our theme, "Join the Voices for Recovery: Real People, Real Recovery," and spread the word that addiction is a medical illness and that treatment is effective and recovery is possible. By getting involved, you can help more people on a path of recovery to lead more fulfilling lives. read the rest of "recovery month toolkit" here

a boat on the sea

image credit: yeros

"a boat on the sea" excerpt

I know everything's exactly how it should be
All's right with this world
I never knew I
Was built so strong
My heart
My heart is a boat on the sea
I never knew I
Was built for hurricanes
My heart
My heart is a boat on the sea
In the cold and the dark...
You're the grace of my heart
In the cold and the dark...
You're the grace of my heart
In the cold... and the dark...
You're the grace...of my heart

i have been blessed with realizing that i have choices in my life. i don't have to follow my instinct on every situation. i don't have to live in anger, or fear, or judgement and i don't have to get high in order to deal. i can let go of these things and maybe grow into a better person whose life is fulfilled in deeper ways.

Crystal Meth Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from addiction to crystal meth and all other mind-altering substances.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. There are no dues or fees for CMA membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. CMA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; and neither endorses nor opposes any causes.

Our primary purpose is to live free of active addiction and to carry that message to the addict who still suffers.

before i got sober, my life was being tossed about as if i had been lost at sea. meth had made my already stormy existence feel like it was in a tsunami and then left me in a place that i didn't recognize at all. i couldn't find my way back. treatment was llke an island which allowed me to dry off, but 12 step helped me get to higher ground. i completely believe now that help is on the way.


i really love the nycma website. i don't live there, but i love their outreach. they are forward thinking, they are inclusive, and they are public minded. incredible newsletter, too. please support recovery whenever and wherever you can. and please visit nycma

this is another song sung by kirsten vigard for the film "grace of my heart." i just watched the film again last night and remembered why i am so fond of it. the music is sweet, the performances are tight, and the message is that life's journey does have twists and turns and pain and pleasure. and if we can find our balance through most of it, the ride will have been a rollercoaster but will lead us to ourselves. "all's right with this world." "my heart is like a boat on the sea"

i truly wish you a funfilled and relaxing weekend. i know i need one.

Animation Virus

i googled gay crystal meth recovery while online last night and i came across this site.


please take the time to read for a moment: twacked



it's kinda eerie for me. it's almost like an episode of the twilight zone (which i loved btw.) we could be witnessing the last place on earth this being was before they were lifted off into the 4400 of meth use. i suppose it's wrong of me to assume that it's a relapse, but that's the first place my mind went. even considering the posts about his condition and the color of his urine. i hope i'm wrong for his sake and i pray he's okay. i certainly would be happy to be incorrect. i especially relate to his inability to make the keyboard work. that was so very very much a part of my tweaking dilemma. i couldn't remember how to operate the simple aspects of a computer. i used to spend so much of my time trying to figure out how to close a screen window because i always wanted to open it again to make sure i could close it again.

one time i called sbc who was my isp at the time and told the help desk(at about 2am) that i was hearing voices from my modem. he said things like: "you don't say" and "hmmm, can't imagine what that is." i had a whole screenplay written in my head ( i was always writing screenplays in my head) about a new virus which was taking over the world (a la "what's so bad about feeling good?"). It was actually a computer generated virus that would infect through the skin and people would become cartoons and inanimate objects would suddenly become animated. of course it was to be called Animation Virus. catchy eh?

meth use causes lack of sleep. and lack of sleep causes hallucinations, both visual and auditory, and even psychoses. it is very common in tweakers to go days without sleeping and start hearing and seeing things that they believe are completely real. and there is no way you can convince them of anything else. and even in early recovery some residual hallucinations and emotional discharges are likely. it's not easy to come down off meth. it takes some patience and it takes some overseeing.

omg- watching this shit really gives me chills. it depicts precisely how i used to spend many, many, many of my days. my chat box was always on with someone on an m4m site, though.

Interview

My interview by "Noelle" (who has an unbelievable understanding of sensory description)

Ok, here's your five questions and instructions to post with your answers.
Instructions First:
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the
questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the
questions. And a link to my profile or blog as your interviewer.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone
else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five
questions.

Now Questions:

1. Now I suppose most people have the decency to start off light and work into the heavy stuff. My philosophy is a little different. You do a lot of incredible work for not only the gay community, but in my eyes for the community of mankind as a whole. You seem so giving with your time and effort helping recovering addicts. The empathy and patience I see reflected in your writing blows me away. So I have to ask, are there times when the patience runs out? Is your empathy infinite? Are there some people you think are lost causes? Essentially, where do you draw the line between understanding and frustration?

I know there are times when patience runs out. There are times when I am frustrated. I try my best not to stay in those times though. Those are the times that got me involved in my own drug abuse in the first place. The less I see myself as separate from others, the more engaged with them I can stay. We really are not that different from each other. The Course In Miracles teaches me that my ego tries to divide me from my brothers and sisters, but we really are the same. If I can get to that place of understanding, especially when my patience is wearing thin, I have a chance of finding peace. The line between understanding and frustration for me lies in perception. And perception is something I can learn to work with.

2. As a recovering addict yourself, does that make it easier to relate to others if they have a lapse, or does the fact that you've been able to establish some stability cause you to have higher expectations?

I think yes to both those scenarios is true really. I have had blessings in my life around recovery and letting go of the torturous thoughts I had around being an addict and so I try to hold that possibility in my heart as a goal and a complete possibility for everyone I meet. That is called hope, I think. And that is what I try to bring to the table.

I can easily get sidetracked with a person if they relapse, but I don't see the point in giving up. I always tell the people I work with that learning to not get high is like learning a new skill all over again. Much like a child learns to tie their shoes. Few people get it on the first try, but we don't get frustrated and walk away. We know that tying our shoes keeps our shoes on our feet, and we have faith that the learner will get there.

3. Your user name, warrior scout, would seem to give a hint on how to answer this question, but why speculate when I can just ask. How do you picture yourself? As a crusader? An activist?

So, I am going to give you a really honest answer here, even thought it probably doesn't put me in a very good light. When I was a tweaker, I used to scout the internet looking for hook-ups and parties. I even used scout in my username( I really love that term for online tweakers btw- username, cuz that's completely what I was, a user in every sense of the word.) Anyway, I thought it would be could to take that same name and change its meaning for me. And warrior came about because I struggled in my hometown with finding appropriate services and struggled with finding peers. So I have been blessed with the opportunities to make those things more visible for anyone that has a similar path.

4. If you could rewind to the moment that you decided to start using meth, would you erase your past and start fresh?

Well, I do miss San Francisco achingly sometimes. But I know absence makes the heart grow fonder. My life, or better yet, my feelings about myself have changed so very drastically, that I can't really consider going back. Meth brought me to a place in which I had to take my mental health seriously, and look at my life, my family, and myself in a whole new way. This is the miracle of recovery for me. I don't have to feel the feelings I held about myself for most of my life anymore. I have been granted a reprieve. It's easy to be diligent and work hard when one has been given a new lease on life.


5. What is the most important message you would want readers to take with them from your blog?

Wow! I know my intention is to let anyone know that recovery does happen. That there is hope. If you have felt (or feel) about yourself, the way that I did for so many years, that it is completely possible for your life to change. And that they are not alone. That there are others on that path, or a very similar one, and are honestly open and willing to help. Hope can be so powerful. Especially when we lose sight of it.

And I also want to "normalize" the idea recovery. I think that someone who is seeking to improve their lives is on a powerful and important journey in this life. It needs to be supported and sustained by others.

Thank you for the great opportunity to interview you. I am your humble fan and admirer.
Noelle

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morning glory

tonight i am home enjoying the remnants of some pasta w/sausage and goat cheese and thinking about my day. i am feeling a stirring to post and so i am in front of the keyboard and tap-tap-tapping away. i have a smile on my face tonight because i noticed a light go on behind an addicts eyes tonight. i am not sure when it happened exactly or what triggered it, but i am very definitely sure it is on. this makes my heart smile from the inside and the outside. this is why i do the work i do.

this morning:

working with addicts, just as so many other vocations, can seem frustrating, sometimes hopeless, and has its own distinct set of challenges. it certainly takes many people what seems an extreme amount of time to even understand what kind of change is involved in the ceasing or slowing down of drug use. and then if they do stop using, rarely is much changed in their hearts, minds, and lives unless they do some other work, because the circumstances that led them to overindulging are usually still there.

and it takes awhile for that to be processed and understood. it takes patience and determination to make it through these periods. it also takes desire and some willingness usually in the form of motivation. my experience is showing me that the motivation can start on the outside, such as the intervention from the law, etc, but that it must eventually move to internal motivation if it is to actually "stick".

so, i am back to the initial reason for my post today. i have had the sincere pleasure to witness a change begin in someone i am working with. it reminds me of watching a colt or a calf walking for the first time, or watching a morning glory open just past the break of day. it's spectacular. it's phenomenal. it's a signal that there is new life. and it's definitely a reminder to me that i am not in charge and that life still holds surprises.

it also signals to me this: whatever the reason i have landed in this position at this time, it is where i should be. i am humbled by the grace this offers me and more determined to stay open to my own process.

if you are reading this, and you are thinking about change in your life, let me take the opportunity to share this thought: change is possible, change is probable, and change is even inevitable. when we change our actions, and keep our hearts and minds open, they will follow, and our situations and our lives are not far behind. find someone who has experience with positive change in their lives, just as you want for yours, and ask them to help guide you. it is something you will never regret.

i also went outside this morning (4am) and got a great view of the lunar eclipse. i wonder what spiritual significance that holds.

join the resistance

so the question is, can we as a community, or a queer nation, as it were, begin to have conversations around what we believe to be healthy? is it okay for some of us to hate watching our brothers spin out on tweak and not say anything? and is it okay to say something if we hate it? can we allow ourselves the space to have our concerns and express them? and can we allow you to have your space while we really don't like what you do? i don't know the answers to this. in a perfect world, i would think yes. but what is our true nature? i wonder if we know more than we give ourselves credit for and we can do more, much more, than we conceive.

in boston and in san francisco, the newest campaign to reduce the meth damage is to enlist ourselves to educate and promote thoughtful decision making. will this take us to a place of more understanding? or will it become more divisive?

from bay windows of boston:

Last month Fenway Community Health's New Champions, a federally funded program working to combat crystal meth addiction, launched its second major phase, debuting its Resist Meth ad campaign and holding its second training for men to learn how to do outreach in the community and talk about meth use and addiction. New Champions, a collaboration between Fenway, AIDS Action Committee, and the Latin American Health Institute, is one of 10 programs around the country receiving crystal meth prevention money from a grant through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSA), but among those programs it is the only one focused on confronting meth addiction within the gay male community.
Jed Barnum, program manager for New Champions, said the other programs receiving the SAMSA meth grant focus on other populations such as children, youth in the juvenile justice system and Native Americans. The program managers share information through conference calls and meet at conferences held twice each year, and Barnum said the New Champions program has been able to provide those other programs with a new perspective because of the unique patterns of meth addiction in the gay male community. He said representing a gay-focused program has allowed him to advocate for a focus on the links between sex and meth use in the programs' approach to tracking meth use.

"It's allowed us to advocate for questions around sexual behavior that might be tricky to do in other cases," said Barnum.

for the rest of the article click here.




and it seems as if san francisco is following suit:

I don't touch meth but know where to get it. It seems that Castro Street
in San Francisco is awash in the crystalline powder, with every twink in
town all tweaked out on it and engaging in wild sex orgies and spreading
HIV. So the self-proclaimed LBGTFHZ leadership has decreed that this is
a community crisis and has begun a propaganda campaign to re-educate the
twinked-out masses to resist crystal meth.

There were "Resist Meth" posters everywhere, with an image reminiscent of
a 1950s-era Soviet propaganda poster depicting a worker promoting the
the socialist revolution, and the inspiring slogan "resist meth" that is
sure to re-educate the proles. There was another propaganda poster
depicting some sort of crystal meth board game, and a headline in the gay
Bay Area Reporter rag that declared that crystal meth use has "plateued"
and that the re-education campaign should start to reduce use soon.


BTW, on the train home yesterday there was someone who appeared to be on
crystal meth, though not obviously gay. He just kept walking back and
forth through the cars with a dazed look on his face and he didn't look
like a disheveled homeless person (yet), so I assumed he was on meth.

i googled myself

i know it's seemingly vain. a leopard can't change spots and neither do narcissists-at least not overnight. but i am curious how i look to the outside world. and as i was reviewing my stats and the visitor links, i noticed that a local aso had googled me and visited my blog. and so i was really curious to see what they did. and i wonder what they were looking for.

i am synonymous with an article that came out in december and then this blog. and as i consider this, i am completely okay with that prospect. i am blessed to be in a position to bring any attention to crystal meth recovery. i live it. i breathe it. and i believe in it. i hope to help normalize recovery. it can be a standard. recovery can be an asset. it is a blessing. it is a virtue.

and even though i have certainly done plenty of interesting things before these two particular events in my life, i am completely ok with the idea that this is who i am right now. I know that i am more, but that isn't the point today. the point is that i may be able to shine even the slightest bit of light on this issue of recovery. that's the bomb. that's stellar to me. today, this is who i am and where i stand. and i can't think of anyplace i'd rather be (for more than two weeks anyway).

so here is what i saw on google.

Denver - News - Of Meth and MenThe nickname was soon shortened to "Chrissy," then changed again to "Tina" by the time Rod Rushing finally decided to get rid of the bitch. ...
www.westword.com/2006-12-07/news/of-meth-and-men/ - 63k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

Denver - Issue: December 7, 2006 | Page: 1 - Archive SearchThe drug fuels gay parties -- but the party was almost over before Rod finally ... then changed again to "Tina" by the time Rod Rushing finally decided. ...
www.westword.com/search/results.php?issue=319488 - 165k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

Kickin Tina - 2:04pmKickin Tina. broke up with tina and am hangin tough. i blog to stay stopped and to encourage others on a similar path. and there's always a little music ...
kickintina.blogspot.com/ - 113k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

Kickin Tina: 6/17/07 - 6/24/07 - 2:00pmRod Rushing has switched from using the Internet as a tool to find meth-fueled sex to using it as a tool to fight meth-fueled sex, the biggest epidemic ...
kickintina.blogspot.com/2007_06_17_archive.html - 148k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
[ More results from kickintina.blogspot.com ]

crazy how things change in just a year.

feelings

hi my name is warrior scout and i am an addict. i have said these words countless times over the last few years. and they have become a mantra of sorts for me. i need never forget where meth has taken me. it doesn't seem an issue today, because grace has delivered me from the hell i knew with tina, but really it wasn't so long ago when i struggled with even being able to say that phrase-"i am an addict". i guess it took a long time to let go of the idea of using successfully again. i think i had held the concept that i can get high when i want to for so long that it just took some time to reverse that. i no longer believe that meth is within my grasp.

what became hard for awhile after that was the lack of sexual activity that happened when not using meth. i mean, i had engaged in so much sex with so many people that to cut that out was completely like science fiction in its immediate disappearance and i was then left to look at my relationship with casual sex in its entirity. like it or not, that is really a bit like castration for a gay man. i mean, most gay men are intrinsically linked to their sexual prowess and are advocates for the casual encounter. but, i don't have to be concerned with the rest of gay men. only me. and i still really dig sex, i just no longer want to have it anonymously, or for no reason other than itself, or in place of conversation.


but one of the really strange rings of fire to walk through in the gay community is to be in recovery and remain vitally gay. i mean socially gay, and sexually gay, and politically gay. self medication is a gay past-time and is the norm in our world. at least in the cities. to be a gay man in recovery is a quirk. you are immediately separate from the pack. and it takes some courage to walk thru that fear. especially when your choice of abstinence may trigger fear and paranoia in another self medicating queer. and hurt feelings may ensue.

i am hoping somehow to help create a bridge for recovery in our community, at least here in denver. i want to normalize letting go of partying and putting one's life in order. i think it's a highly motivated, life affirming type of action to engage in. i hope the gay men's community can agree someday. and i hope i can assist others in this quest.