amy and her losing game

Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.
Oscar Wilde

well, now we understand, once again, that this disease can be serious and people can be cruel..




 Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game (Live) by LGX

brilliance

damaged goods. i wonder just how difficult it is to pull oneself up from such a deep hole one has dug for themselves. it is no surprise or nothing unusual for musicians to have danced very dangerously with a dark muse, but it has got to be excruciatingly hard to listen and read all the shit that has been polluting the web and press and find the courage to see beyond it. 

i am very sorry that this happened to you amy. being lost is so very hard enough. it's ugly that you got bullied, too. 

peace to you. you are brilliant in my eyes.

death becomes you

au revoir

shadow of the day

And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you

yesterday started as most days do. i got up around 5, checked email, blogged, listened to some tunes, showered, dressed, and drove to the workplace. it seemed a bit chaotic, but nothing unmanageable, and it was to be another long day, as i had picked up a party after work. the last party of the month and perhaps for a while. those events i enjoy, however, they do take a toll on me in addition to the other two jobs i have.

i was meeting with a client to discuss his smoking cessation and it was taking a healthy turn. i have been applying some techniques i learned at a recent training and i am noticing some visible results. with this particular client, we had met about 2 weeks prior. during that session, it became so apparent that he really had no interest in talking with me, nor did he feel very comfortable in general that i had cut the session short to accommodate where he then seemed to be. it was a relief this time to have a more connected feeling. we were discussing alternative behaviors and the emotional attachment to habits when he seemed to really start to engage. he told me that he regretted being so distant the last session, but he had just received news that a good friend of his had died and he was in shock. he named his friend and continued on about how the friend had called him a few weeks prior to that to reconnect after a long time and told him of his liver cancer and ask him to be a pall bearer.

but most of this is moot here for me. when the client named his friend, my heart sank. the friend was my friend as well. i had seen him only a month or so earlier and had no idea he had passes. i wanted to cry. i had known him intimately and for over 15 years. we had partied together. we had played together. we had lived parallel lives and when i heard he had cancer earlier this summer, my impression was that it was skin cancer. i now realized i was very wrong.

there are times when the results of our choices become quite evident in this life. the good times, once so exaggerated and technicolor, become matte and low light. the last few times i had seen him before this summer had been spotty and defracted. he had been in a play at the off-broadway theatre company and had done a very decent job. he had spent a good deal of his life in theatres. i'm not sure how involved in that company he was, but i had spotted several tweakers (perhaps ex-tweakers) in the cast and the staff. all those i knew had lost weight and seemed different. i also ran into him a few years ago just before i got clean. it was an insane encounter, directly taken from the pages of "the heart is deceitful above all else" by j.t. leroy- i.e. truck drivers with lace panties and endless circuit of emails, voice mails, and poppers.

through the years though, we remained friendly. i thought him quite intelligent and quite well intentioned. he had been a lawyer, but i believe the tweaking got the best of him. when i was in treatment, he came to one group session. but he decided treatment wasn't for him. and i know that mindset quite well.

i was saddened to discover he has gone. relieved though, that the carcinoma and all its tentacles will hollow him no more. i feel sad in general, too. i am reminded once again that there is an exit on this road we travel, and we do not often choose when it comes. i won't get to see him again, nor have a chance to heal together. and i am sad i can't fix things, or rewind time, or change the outcome.

sometimes goodbye's the only way

today's sound choice is linkin park with "shadow of the day"

for susan maurine

my friend susan passed away this morning. it was a quiet affair as her husband and a friend were present in the hospice while she broke free of this mortal coil. i had visited her yesterday and it was a challenge to not see that she was preparing herself for a departure. for me, the visit was a quiet and joyful witness to a very natural part of living.

what is not so joyful is being left here on earth to carry on. i believe that there are challenges ahead for those who loved her to come to terms with her passing. yes, she is no longer suffering, but many of us left behind still are. to find the tenacity to transcend this is my prayer for my friends today.

and my sound choice for today is very retro jane olivor with "one more ride on the merry-go-round"

cry

yesterday i was moderating a post on SIN which contained this link.

Carl was such a genuinely nice guy. He moved here from LA and became a member of SIN shortly thereafter. He contributed to the last SIN newsletter, too (on page 3 if you want to read it).

He was murdered and left to die in an alley. As far as I know, he did not do drugs, so I doubt it was a drug deal. I will not speculate about the motives, as I don't want to diminish his spirit here. I have my thoughts and others have shared theirs with me, too.

Goodbye my friend. I am deeply saddened and will honestly miss your face and especially your smile at the table. i wish you well on your new journey.

The whole situation softly reminds me that I want to live my life in the sunlight of spirit. This life is often so fleeting. I don't want to live while not believing in myself or not working to make myself (and others) happier.

the whole situation makes me wanna cry.