the killing moon

Under blue moon I saw you
So soon you'll take me
Up in your arms, too late to beg you
or cancel it though I know it must be
The killing time
Unwillingly mine

it's so strange how this life works. i was feeling a bit strange last friday as i received a message that a job i had discussed seemed to be coming closer to reality. then yesterday, i received another message that stated the opposite. the funding had receded and there were more delays.

in all honesty, i am disappointed. but not that much really. i had been a little concerned because we are bringing this peer mentoring training to town at the end of march and i am already unclear about getting the time off. plus, i have become very accustomed to going where i want when i want and a more full time desk job would certainly cut into that freedom.

i hadn't made a decision either way, whether i felt comfortable with the prospect of this job or whether it would cramp my style and cause me regret. but no matter today, because the universe has relieved me of an immediate need for that dialogue. could this delay be more than chance? is it possible there is a better time for all this to harmonically converge? time will show me, no doubt.

today's sound choice is vintage 80's angst... but in a cover version. here is the killing moon by nouvelle vague.

virtual insanity

Edward de Bono:
Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.

halt! stop what i'm doing and check my hard drive.... what the hell?!?! of course in recovery world, the world halt is a warning sign that is an acronym:

hungry
angry
lonely
tired...
that's the meaning for halt. and those descriptors are not a good place for me to be. they signal that i am not grounded and not using good judgement. yet they accurately describe where i find myself right now.

i chatted with a good friend of mine on the phone late last night(thank you t) and found out that i need to do some work. i realize that i have a couple of expectations for some things that are on drawing board right now, and that mere fact is causing me undue pressure. i think i have convinced myself that if i don't get a certain something, then i will have failed. and that i won't get that certain something because i don't deserve it. this is hardly a healthy outlook. if i don't get something, i will still have worth. i have worth without these things. i can be happy without these things. eeee gaaaaad ... how did i find myself here???? i don't even remember following a rabbit down a hole....

expectation, that's how. i have fallen into a trap and i need to stop fighting and let go.
(but i like the drama)
i would rather choose peace
(then i would win)
it's not about winning
(but i want to win)
and then what happens?
this whole process starts over again.

And I'm thinking what a mess we're in
Hard to know where to begin
If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made
And now every mother, can choose the colour
Of her child
That's not nature's way
Well that's what they said yesterday
There's nothing left to do but pray
I think it's time I found a new religion
Waoh - it's so insane
To synthesize another strain
There's something in these
Futures that we have to be told.

sound (2nd) choice today..... jamiroquoi doing "virtual insanity"

i changed my mind

that's me attending the ballet circa 1995...

‘To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.’

— Henri Bergson

certainly at one point in my life i wanted to be a dancer. i don't know that i had really thought about what that meant, nor had i really experienced what it would be like to go to rehearsals all the time, deal with pain in my feet, my back, my legs, and my ass. i never really considered that i would probably have to fall quite a lot before i got the jumps high enough or the turns to be fast enough or crisp enough.

i never gave it a thought that i would probably have to get paid very little unless i made it to a certain level of my career, or that there would be hundreds of others vying for the same spot.

no, i just knew that to be a dancer was to say "yes" to something very cosmic and it would probably take me to a higher level of consciousness because i would be trysting with the muses.

and my humdrum life really wanted a shot in the arm.

that was when i was 18 or so. my career life has morphed several times since then. i played house in an after hours club for several years. i was a performance artist(waiter) in numerous restaurants, doing shows nightly, and making a decent hourly wage. i came up through the ranks at a travel agency to become a managing partner after 12 years. this allowed me the distinct pleasure of having hangovers and blackouts on almost all the continents of the globe. and i became a butler/cater waiter to private chefs, because the money is quite good and i like food. i guess i have the ability to keep the chefs calm, too, 'cuz they seem to like to have me around.

but i now think that i have been working with other addicts and people in and not quite in recovery and i might have found a "calling" for now. there is a bit of the teacher that gets to appear when i do this work. and some will tell you that i have a gift of gab. i also think i have a unique quality of being able to see through a situation, meaning to discern what may be going on behind the scenes. often i can sniff out motive and hidden agendas. and most certainly, i have years of experience with self-delusion and masquerading feelings. and self-medication of many kinds has peppered (and many times deflated) my aspirations.

anyway, just thought i'd share a bit of my worklife journey. i think i am preparing to construct a new resume and i am looking to approach it much differently than the last one i created. i think my social activities, and my life experiences have added as much if not more to the qualities i can bring to any position as my work experience does alone.

i think a part of me still yearns to be a more creative being. no doubt i think that "dancing" with a muse wields some sort of power that i seem to not possess. but truth be told, unlike before, i believe i am on a good path and that whatever this journey is to teach me is unfolding in its own time and for my benefit.

maybe this is a chat with a muse....