falling slowly

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

when i was in paris in the mid 90's, we rented an apartment on the isle st louis. it was an incredibly beautiful experience all in all. i do remember i had trouble sleeping that whole week. mostly i felt strong and strange energy around me. i was drinking quite a bit at that time, and i am sure i continued drinking heavily that week, too. one night, i remember being awakened by a very strong tap on my shoulder while i was in bed. i woke up and rolled over to find a dark hooded figure standing over me motioning for me to step through an image of a doorway. i also remember pausing for a minute, wondering whether i should go through or not, finally coming to the conclusion of "why not". and so i stepped through. nothing amazing happened, yet i remember thinking there was no turning back.

many years later, as i have embraced sobriety, opportunities and adventures have appeared before me almost as mysteriously as the hooded figure along the seine that early morning. there has been a succession of stepping through doorways that have led me to now. and sometimes i can barely catch my breath or check my footing.

now, in 2009, as i embark on a new job, i almost feel as if i am in the remake of a "b" version of the education of rita. i am in the process of learning so many things on a new level. the conversations i participate in these days are from a different side of the curtain than i am used to. yesterday i visited someone i know who is just now being diagnosed with 4th stage lymphoma. as they lay in their temporary resting place, they seem tender and fragile in ways i had not noticed before this. i have the privilege of seeing people from a new and different perspective. and the challenge for me now is to find new ways to offer help with the same sincerity and intention i always have tried to do.

and i have stepped through another doorway in my life. no turning back, wouldn't want to if i could.

today's sound choice is american idol's kris allen with a cover version of glen hansard's "falling slowly"

all by myself

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

feeling a little melancholy today. i started a new endeavor yesterday and i am not at all polished at what i am doing. i don't even know what i will really be doing. i can imagine a bit, but it hasn't filtered into my being yet.

i am a newcomer all over again. and i have recently experienced some challenges and criticisms that have left me wondering about my own capabilities and my own purpose. this is perhaps a little deep, i know, and i apologize in advance. i am thinking aloud this morniing as i prepare myself for the 2nd day of i know not what and i have a little fear. emphasis on little, certainly.

i will move forward. i really like the people i am to be working directly with. it is needed for me to engage in some reflection here, though. as i look back over the last few years of living in sobriety, i am struck with the reality that relationships are not at all my strong suit. not simply sexual relationships or dating relationships (basically non-existent), but friendships as well. i find there are many individuals that i have encountered on this journey that i prefer not to interact with and have shut out. i haven't discussed any ending with them and then taken that route, but really put up a wall and hidden behind it. i have told myself i didn't want the drama, but i have to ask myself now is that true? or is it that i am afraid of conflict? do i always assume responsibility for any conflict in my life. this would mirror my childhood. i know i always felt responsible for my mother's unhappiness, whatever that may have been. of course, now i know that is co-dependence and i work diligently at letting that go. maybe i need to start working a little smarter on the rest of my life, too. or am i simply one of those characters that feels all alone in a crowded room?

i am on an incredible journey in this part of my life. i would never have expected i would have been able to let go of even a portion of the self judgement and self hatred that i lived with my whole life. but i have been blessed and my gift of seeing through a problem to an action that may counter it has brought me this far. sometimes i wonder if others' resent this talent, do not understand it, create their own expectations around it, or if those are simply my own interactions with it.

whatever the answers are to these questions, i doubt i will discern with this morning's post, cuppa joe, and bagel. but i am glad i can ask them, because i know i have to continue to grow.

today's sound choice is vintage eric carmen with "all by myself"

All By Myself (original) - Eric Carmen

soul vacation

Now that shes back from that soul vacation tracing her way through the constellation, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo reminds me that theres time to grow, hey
Now that shes back in the atmosphere,I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' jane, told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

another chapter is preparing itself in my world. the train is leaving the station and the destination is really unknown at this point. i hope for good things. i pray for understanding and patience, and i trust in the guardians that protect me.

i begin a new position on april 6. i will try to take the weekend before that for a getaway somewhere... ideas welcome. definitely a soul vacation.

i look forward to the new gig. it will be strange, no doubt, and will require stretching my boundaries a bit- maybe more than a bit.

i have started running the park again. i am amazed at just how much weight i have put on this winter. i think some of the gain is probably emotional.

today's sound choice is a repeat for me- train with "drops of jupiter"

Train - drops of jupiter
Uploaded by b_careful

transition

it never ceases to amaze me that i can be so very inept at reading a situation. i always think my gut is correct when i am in the middle of something or someones, but when i leave my thinker starts getting out of whack and i replay scenarios over in my head with quite a different perspective and much doubt and self recrimination.

today, i had the privelige of interviewing for the position which has been discussed between myself and a clinic for the last 6 months. i went prepared for almost anything, but unexpectedly encountered a panel interview with the entire clinic. it was challenging for me to remember to make eye contact with each person when answering the set of questions printed out for my benefit.

and i stumbled when discussing my shortcomings. not that i couldn't find them, but more that i probably touched on an overabundance. and by the end of the 40 minute session, i had no real idea whether i was able to retain the kindly impression they had of me before this formality, or if i had somehow caused them to rethink some of their position.

either way, change is in the air. i have cut back on my schedule at the other workplace to 18 hours and i will need to fill time after the end of this month. as i reflect on this transition, i honestly feel some peace. i intuit that change is at hand, and to fight this would be futile.

trusting the process and having faith that i will find myself in a very comfortable position faces me with my own fear. step 3 is the handy tool for me to utilize. came, came to, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to santiy. it's just back to basics.

today's sound choice is the overwhelming and almighty david bowie with "changes"

the killing moon

Under blue moon I saw you
So soon you'll take me
Up in your arms, too late to beg you
or cancel it though I know it must be
The killing time
Unwillingly mine

it's so strange how this life works. i was feeling a bit strange last friday as i received a message that a job i had discussed seemed to be coming closer to reality. then yesterday, i received another message that stated the opposite. the funding had receded and there were more delays.

in all honesty, i am disappointed. but not that much really. i had been a little concerned because we are bringing this peer mentoring training to town at the end of march and i am already unclear about getting the time off. plus, i have become very accustomed to going where i want when i want and a more full time desk job would certainly cut into that freedom.

i hadn't made a decision either way, whether i felt comfortable with the prospect of this job or whether it would cramp my style and cause me regret. but no matter today, because the universe has relieved me of an immediate need for that dialogue. could this delay be more than chance? is it possible there is a better time for all this to harmonically converge? time will show me, no doubt.

today's sound choice is vintage 80's angst... but in a cover version. here is the killing moon by nouvelle vague.