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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

all by myself

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

feeling a little melancholy today. i started a new endeavor yesterday and i am not at all polished at what i am doing. i don't even know what i will really be doing. i can imagine a bit, but it hasn't filtered into my being yet.

i am a newcomer all over again. and i have recently experienced some challenges and criticisms that have left me wondering about my own capabilities and my own purpose. this is perhaps a little deep, i know, and i apologize in advance. i am thinking aloud this morniing as i prepare myself for the 2nd day of i know not what and i have a little fear. emphasis on little, certainly.

i will move forward. i really like the people i am to be working directly with. it is needed for me to engage in some reflection here, though. as i look back over the last few years of living in sobriety, i am struck with the reality that relationships are not at all my strong suit. not simply sexual relationships or dating relationships (basically non-existent), but friendships as well. i find there are many individuals that i have encountered on this journey that i prefer not to interact with and have shut out. i haven't discussed any ending with them and then taken that route, but really put up a wall and hidden behind it. i have told myself i didn't want the drama, but i have to ask myself now is that true? or is it that i am afraid of conflict? do i always assume responsibility for any conflict in my life. this would mirror my childhood. i know i always felt responsible for my mother's unhappiness, whatever that may have been. of course, now i know that is co-dependence and i work diligently at letting that go. maybe i need to start working a little smarter on the rest of my life, too. or am i simply one of those characters that feels all alone in a crowded room?

i am on an incredible journey in this part of my life. i would never have expected i would have been able to let go of even a portion of the self judgement and self hatred that i lived with my whole life. but i have been blessed and my gift of seeing through a problem to an action that may counter it has brought me this far. sometimes i wonder if others' resent this talent, do not understand it, create their own expectations around it, or if those are simply my own interactions with it.

whatever the answers are to these questions, i doubt i will discern with this morning's post, cuppa joe, and bagel. but i am glad i can ask them, because i know i have to continue to grow.

today's sound choice is vintage eric carmen with "all by myself"

All By Myself (original) - Eric Carmen



Java said...

Interesting reflections. I often ask similar questions of myself. I'm in something of a self-reflective mood today, also. So far it isn't going well, but then I am also tired. When I realize that, I know to stop the analysis and fix the tired. On that note, I'm going to take a nap.

Good luck with day two. I wish you strength and clarity.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

It seems you are the "Turtle" the avoider. I guess it is time for you to brush up on your conflict styles there are 5 in the book:
1. competing
2. Collaborating
3. Compromising
4. Avoiding
5. Accommodating

I had to do this for my Applied Human Science class. It was a real learning experience. This is something that you will have to work at to master and be able to incorporate ALL the styles listed above to improve your relationship abilities.

Another layer of sobriety is now open to you to learn from.


P.S. I am a turtle too...

Marc said...

Just remember that a new job is one of the most inherently stressful undertakings we have in life. You'd have to be a gorgon not to be bit of an inner mess the first few days.
I for one, can't think of anyone better suited to do the work you do.

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