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Sunday, April 5, 2009

if i survive

Later, I realized that the mission had to end in a let-down because the real barrier wasn't in the sky but in our knowledge and experience of supersonic flight.
Chuck Yeager

change is definitely upon me. i can almost feel myself peeling and shedding. i embark on a new journey tomorrow and there is excitement definitely mixed with anxiety. right now it feels as if i am shedding my thick skin outer layer. i will begin working for a large organization. i have entered this type of endeavor only one time previously and it was a double edged sword, and no doubt it will be much the same. a whole new set of challenges around assimilation along with the rewards of consistency.

many things that are happening in the rest of my world seem to really cut more than just sting. and i have been struggling to not take things personally and to keep a focus forward.

i have been overwhelmed with the process of creating ten. the mere specifics of 2 persons making all the decisions has found me in discord over some key issues. mediation was brought in, but didn't seem to have an effect, as i am realizing people do just as they want whether there are agreements or not. and the most chilling aspect to this is that i am, indeed, the very same. pisser though, as i would really like to be angry and be a victim here. this leaves me not really knowing how to feel- so i find myself wading in frustration. but make no mistake, i don't feel hopeless. i just cannot pretend to feel inspired, either.

the other evening, at a meeting, a colleague i haven't spoken to in months, basically snubbed me. the last time we spoke, she said she was going to try to get me a job with the organization where she worked(working with incarcerated persons with hiv). fast forward to last thursday where she can't give me the time of day. very puzzling. part of me says- "don't make this about you" as it is really about her.. much easier said than done on my part. could she be angry with me because i didn't wait for her to get me a job? seems ludicrous, but i am still going to be a colleague and i wonder if this temperature change is permanent.

but this is my final day before take-off. no doubt i am restless. i can almost taste the change. i am hoping in some ways this direction will resemble breaking the sound barrier, or at least some barriers. for more than just me.

today's sound choice is one of my very favorite electronic orchestras- hybrid. the name of this track is "if i survive" featuring julie cruise. i encourage you to give hybrid a listen if you haven't before. often there is a symphonic quality that gives me goose bumps and makes my heart smile.



Texaco said...

I'm sure your "assimilation" will be smoother than you expect. Remember that getting sober is not the only thing that HOW works for. Congratulations on your new adventure.

absolutwillie said...

thinking of you on launch day!

Java said...

Good luck!

Sheria said...

Wishing you good vibes in your new position. You're right about the music, it does make one's heart smile.

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