in my often frenetic online life, amidst my multi-site posting and sharing, i came across a vid on youtube which was entitled "ten years after 9/11". needless to say i was inspired to recall a band that played woodstock that had that very name. it seemed an imperative to share that song. the more things change... the more they do seem the same.
I'd love to Change The World lyrics and music ...Alvin Lee
Spoken 'Now, turn on' Everywhere is freaks and hairys Dykes and fairies Tell me where is sanity?
Tax the rich, feed the poor Till we run out, rich no more I'd love to change the world (Dee-dee-dee-dee) But I don't know what to do (Dee-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee) So I'll leave it up to you-ooo-ooo (Be in my prayer) Population, keeps on breedin' Nation bleedin', still more feedin' Economy
Life is funny, skies are sunny Bees made honey, who needs money? Monopoly
I'd love to change the world But I don't know what to do (Dee-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee So I'll leave it up to you-you-ooo (We-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee) Oh, yeah!
(Rich or poor) (It's your fault) (Screw you)
more pollutions, there's no solutions Restitution, mass confusions
Spread the word Rich or poor Save the earth Stop the war
Spoken: (And we've got nothin' to do) (Just turn on)
I'd love to change the world But I don't know what to do So I'll leave it up to you-ooo-ooo, woo-ooo Woo-ooo-ooo-ooo (Dee-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee)
Oh, Great Spirit Whose voice I hear in the winds, And whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me, I am small and weak, I need your strength and wisdom. Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset. Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice. Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught my people. Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock. I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy - myself. Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes. So when life fades, as the fading sunset, my Spirit may come to you without shame.
there are many many times that i feel inadequate to be doing what i do. my thinking spirals around to my not deserving to be enjoying what i do. i think i should not be happy. i undercut my balance and blow thought darts at my stature. it's crazy, but it's behavior i consistently return to and it is less than attractive. i can't even explain why i do it. i just do. and do it repeatedly.
the beauty of self discovery is the ability to recognize, albeit a smarmy habit like self sabotage. without recognizing, one has a less than meagre chance to overcome it.or change it. or work with it.
this is not a new concept at all for a post. but it is the song i sing these days. these revelations that have come with a few years of actually sitting with my emotions have completely astounded me. i never knew that i could be anything but crazy. i always thought that the self-debasing i have engaged in my entire life was the nature of the deadend cul-de-sac i resided on. it never occurred that it was merely a section of a roundabout and i had other turns to consider and other directions in which to go. sobriety has graced me with a little perspective. i am not merely travelling in circles today with no awareness. i am travelling in those circles still, but with the ability to see the necessity for different actions.
today i can recognize some of my tendency to over-react to situations and not engage in them. i don't always make a right move, but i don't make the same painful one. this is a good start on a long path to saner living. and i am damn grateful for it. (ps- the graphic on this post is a nod to my friend alex- who has a strong fascination for maps. i am now beginning to understand the power of zooming out)
today's sound choice is robbie robertson with "shine your light" from the film ladder 49.
There’s a time when every girl learns, to use her head
Tears will be saved till they’re better spent
There’s no time for her to be afraid
So instead, she takes care of business
Keeps a cool head
A girl in trouble is a temporary thing
it's been a week. quite a few seemingly unconnected, but maybe that needs a closer look. i was back at work after needed time away. i am working at adjusting to the travelling i am doing. it's not the distance, it's just the different clinics. much of the duties are the same, but i am on the go 5 days a week. only 1 day do i work in 1 place for 8 hours. i find it tough to remember whether i have papers with me or if i left them on my desk.
that' being said, i am not really complaining. i like the variiety. i like it very much. it does however have its challenges. friday i was reminded that my position is grant funded and with the state of the economy and colorado and federal budgets, there are no guarantees that the final year of the grant will be renewed. i may be looking for work again in april. i suppose this has caused me a bit of stress this weekend. and i know i blubber a lot about trusting the process, which is what i am doing. part of that trust is allowing myself to write a little through this. to think about starting a new gig gives me a bit of the willies. i feel i am just getting started with some of the work i am peripherally doing. maybe i see it as more important than the system does. wouldn't be the 1st time
the not-for-profit had a board meeting yesterday and i became confused. one of the members who is the treasurer announced that they wanted the title of executive director. since we have very little funding currently i didn't see a problem. but thinking about it for a moment, i just asked if there might be a perceived impropriety at all- the treasurer also being the executive director. iow, someone making the daily decisions also having free access to any funds. besides, at the formation of this group, that person indicated that they were tired, and all they wanted was to have a way to get funding for their programs. and then in the same sentence, they announced that if things didn't change in 2010, that it may be their last year to run those programs. one wonders how to decipher these verbal cave markings.
strength in numbers, has shifted quite a bit this month. the founder has pulled away from group on a national level. he has let the website go, but i have inherited the yahoo group. i have been organizing monthly brunch and some holiday parties for two years, but it doesn't seem to really be igniting under my leadership. i have no idea as to how to proceed. i am shifting the newsletter's focus from sin to ten (treatment education network), because it would seem very few people connected with sin are engaged with it. i am sure they read it, but i don't get the feeling that they are interested in participating. and it could be that they are not interested in participating with me- or someone in recovery who is not partying. either way, it makes no sense to continue a publication representing an illusion. i have set my sites on developing a statwide poz informational and educational newsletter for colorado. there may even come a time that regional would be a good fit... i.e. new mexico, wyoming, etc..
wow, there seems to be a lotta crap in my head. truthfully though, i am pretty optimistic about it all underneath. each day i work on not "becoming" the things i am working on. or maybe i am realizing that the work i am doing will continue with or without apecific entities or organiztions. i can love working with them, but must also understand that nothing really lasts forever. no doubt there are many questions in all this for me to look at.. am i difficult to get along with? do i not collaborate well? am i the problem?
and i do try to look at these questions. i know that the work i am doing was stalled before i came along. so the fact that it hasn't moved much or is stalled again is not completely about me. and i could find ways to judge and criticize myself in all this, but i can't live like that anymore. it's way too draining and too toxic. whatever emotion and knee jerk response i have to these situations needs to be taken with a grain of salt and with a thoughtful eye.
happy sunday. i am headed to brunch with strength in numbers and then maybe the new robert de niro film this afternoon. it is snowing and i must shovel the walks this morning before i go. oh, and a pipe may have frozen during the big freeze a couple of nights ago. it's working again, but we are going to insulate the all the piples and look for any damage. i guess it's a full day..
of course you know i chose today's post title so i could use the romeovoid song of the same name as today's sound choice. sometimes i'm so entrenched in the 80's it may seem tragic. but that was my camelot. anyway, here is an extended version of "a girl in trouble is a temporary thing". i've listened to it a few times this morning and fallen in love all over again... happy sunday
he called and said he needed some help. he had started journaling and realized that he was fucked up. he was smoking so much pot that he wasn't doing a very good job of keeping his thoughts together. he has stopped doing all the coke and meth he was doing. and he felt good about that. but he was smoking crack now and again. he had a friend that came over on monday nights, they would smoke crack, have sex, and make a big mess in his room. he would fall asleep and his friend would end up eating a lot of the food in his pantry, so he would go without sometimes at the end of the week. he smokes pot every day and spends about $40 a week on that. he has a couple of drinks once or twice a week, but he has been very good.
he weighs about 120 lbs. he doesn't remember things very well. he is thoughtful and at one time was a really wonderful musician. but those things have receded. medication, food banks, doctor's appointments, and taking the bus have become his pastimes.
so he said he wanted help with a plan to stop smoking pot. he smokes everyday. several times a day, i am sure. i will be here to help him.
but i asked him if he thought he could give up the crack, too. he said he was too weak to have his friend over and not smoke crack. so he might consider not having his friend over. realistically, however, this is his only romantic entanglement. and he recently also told me he really wants a boyfriend.
Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is to concern oneself with something other than life or death. Jean Cocteau
what a day this has been. i started with meeting with two people who are both struggling with alcohol use, but they reside on two completely different sides of the intellectual spectrum. the first person seems quite simple and has challenges recognizing that his behaviors have led directly to his life issues. but we will work on that. the second person seems very bright, but has had a multi-decade relationship with booze that has likely sucked much of the brightness and joie-de-vivre directly out of him like a kiss from lestat.
a quick introduction to a new person who still dabbles with meth (about 4-2day binges a month according to him). he did not initiate the introduction and appeared cautiously frozen in his tracks like an intuitive deer caught in a hunter's scope. he answered questions freely and honestly, but remained close to the bench that was seating him. pre-contemplation is the space on the wheel of change that he has landed for quite some time. no income, no employment, and no prospects for change (as well as several missing front teeth) indicate that he has lost sight of his own reflection.
the afternoon brought a revisit with someone who is working on quitting smoking. there is great confusion about a specific plan for stopping including a date as well as developing alternative behaviors or activities to replace the need for the relief that smoking a stogie brings. upon further clarification, it is revealed that the real task is to reconstruct the living situation as it glares as a much more important issue that tobacco cessation. decreasing the nicotine intake is taking place. but the total stoppage is doubtful at this point. adding pharma support at this time does not make good sense.
this is a sampling of a day. absolutely no resolution was found for any of these passengers. an impression of who these characters once were is more evident than is easier to discern than where they are headed.
all are passengers who are holding tickets for this journey... i can only hope they have boarded the train going in the direction they intended.
today's sound choice is cat steven's with "peace train"
i got the wind knocked out of my sails yesterday. at the start of the day, after i realized i needed to stop at one office before i reported to the other, i made my way to work. my brakes have been going out, but i have felt too busy to attend to them. well... i came to the stop sign at 26th and i didn't stop all the way. i rolled through the intersection at about 3 mph. there were no cars interfacing there, but there was an officer along the sidestreet who blazed his lights and gave me a ticket- $120 and 8 points on my license.
it wasn't until i was teaching my dui class later that evening, and some of the students were bitching and moaning about their fines, and their probation, and the points on their license that it hit me. i got a speeding ticket back in november in a school zone. i was going 27 in a 20 and got 8 points and a $120 fine. BAM! these two tickets equal 16 points and licenses are suspended in Colorado with 12 points.
OMG- how did i let this happen? i have slipped back into procrastination as far as car repairs go and it has cost me. if my brakes were functional, i would have stopped completely at that sign. now, i may very well have to rearrange my entire life to accommodate this boobish event. what else in my life is slipping?
i didn't sleep very well last night. i kept waking up and thinking about what shitty thing would probably happen. i would turn that over in my head a coupla times and then go back to sleep, only to redo the whole damn worst case scenario again. in the morning i came to the conclusion that i need to go to court and plead my case. take responsibility for my carelessness and do my best. and whatever happens happens.
god i hate being stupid.
the back to basics exercise program continues. the jaunts in the park have been replaced with sessions at step class. for me the cardio is better and working out with others generates more effort on my part. the energy level is up. i am also a bit scattered in the mornings with the workouts. certainly some of this fed the situation of my earlier rant. but the big bonus is that the gut that had developed over the last year has begun it's journey into nothing. probably half of that particular trip has been taken and the foreign quality of exercise that reigned supreme for the 4 seasons has diminished and been replaced by the ability to actually look at myself in the mirror again and being "in" my body . and some trousers that haven't been off the hanger in a long while are getting ready for a day in the sun.
i spent about 1/2 today with a young man who was so very high he was unable to sit still. he came in to see me because he says he needs to change. truth be told, i imagine he has no idea how to start to even try to change. he was like a moth in a jelly jar sitting in my office. and it was exhausting to even be near.
he repeatedly told me that he knew he needed to change. he told me that he had never felt more clear headed. he parlayed about the projects he had started but not finished. he showed me the tracks on his arm that he had been recently injecting. he expressed a resolve to stop dealing, as he had just ingested all his sell able product. he seemed very worried that he had no money to pay bills or rent. he hadn't eaten in about a week, correlating with the time that his partner went away for 4 years or so.
i couldn't communicate with him directly. he was too fidgety and lost in his own thoughts. but my thoughts were: he is going to crash eventually and i would like him to feel comfortable here- (and) he may need a friend and an ear...
later i met with another man who had missed 2 group sessions and appeared with a scattered and a rather grumbly demeanor. with an opportunity to talk, he revealed that he had endured a personal tragedy and was not able to show. he was gently reminded that the concept of group is to have a person feel safe in feeling any feeling they actually feel and share about it. of course, he is not comfortable at all having his feelings because being somewhat sober is a new adventure for him. it is fully in character that he would stay away from being seen in a vulnerable state.
it is a dance that these fellows are doing. it is movement. it is freeflowing. it is powerful. and if they really work at it, they will become proficient at what they are learning to do. it's not always easy, but for my money, it's worth the effort. all it takes is practice.... practice...... practice.....
today's sound choice is "electricity" from billy elliot danced by leon cooke.
Don't know why I'm survivin' every lonely day When there's got to be no chance for me My life would end And it doesn't matter how I cry My tears, so far, are a waste of time If I turn away Am I strong enough to see it through? Go crazy is what I will do
i have noticed a shift in my thinking lately. there is much around me these days that i find intoxicating. many things to learn. new experiences. new conversations. and new perspectives of things that have been around me a long while. all this has found me reeling with the feeling that my head is spinning on my shoulders at times.
underneath all this is also the germination of an interesting perspective, too. i am feeling a little security which is highly unusual for me. i have been a gypsy most of my life. not just in my location, but also within my heart. i have always been nomadic with friends, in love, and with inspiration. but what may now be sprouting is a definitely new. i am finding safety and comfort in where i am, and am feeling a lack of desperation to hold on to controling where i am. another way to say it is i am not feeling the need to wander. i don't wanna flee. i am feeling contented. i am surrendering.
ahhhh. it feels good.
so many mo's i talk to seem to be ready for this 'mo to steal the show. i don't know. he's pretty damn good. what do y'all think?
i was thinking about the common practice i have of putting a blindfold on with regard to certain aspects of situations that enables me not to look at them or deal with them. i have gained quite a bit of lbs this last 9 months or so, i have meant to do something about it, and yet i do nothing. every day as i try to squeeze myself into my spongebob pants, i am mortified for a brief space in time, but then i let it go.
and beneath all this, there is no doubt in my mimd that this shapeshifting is connected to internal upheaval that i am covering up. turning a blind eye. putting on a blindfold. i have become used to living in the dark. so much easier to sweep whatever mess under the rug.
today, i am hoping to put a dent in this shield i have developed. even better would be a crack.
breaking free would be a gift from the gods.
today's sound choice is morcheeba with "blindfold"
i wanted a little something today to match how my mood. somehow vivaldi came to mind. i feel as if i am in a thaw. i have noticed new ideas and remembered feelings sprouting out around me.
it's mainly glorious. if i were dancing it would be fitting as i surely feel as a sprite would feel. full of skip and bounce. things are evolving and changing and it's the time for the light to play with my perception and experience.
i watched prayers for bobby last night and had a fantastic cry. it was an april shower and i needed it desperately in my high plains desert heart.
Papa went to other lands And he found someone who understands The ticking, and the western man's need to cry He came back the other day, you know Some things in life may change And some things They stay the same
Like time, there's always time On my mind So pass me by, I'll be fine Just give me time
it's saturday morning and i have slept until i can't sleep anymore. this is a great feeling 'cuz i usually get up because i have things to do early. i still have things to do, but today is an exception. it's been snowing for 12 hours and it is still coming down. it is a very wet, very white, and very beautiful spring snow.
i will venture out now, to forage for spiritual sustenance and also find something to make for lunch. i need to shovel the walks, do laundry, and start a book i have been aching to read.
but right now, its so very quiet and pristine that it deserves honoring. i hope it's a glorious weekend.
today's sound choice is the haunting melancholy of damien rice with "older chests"
Later, I realized that the mission had to end in a let-down because the real barrier wasn't in the sky but in our knowledge and experience of supersonic flight. Chuck Yeager
change is definitely upon me. i can almost feel myself peeling and shedding. i embark on a new journey tomorrow and there is excitement definitely mixed with anxiety. right now it feels as if i am shedding my thick skin outer layer. i will begin working for a large organization. i have entered this type of endeavor only one time previously and it was a double edged sword, and no doubt it will be much the same. a whole new set of challenges around assimilation along with the rewards of consistency.
many things that are happening in the rest of my world seem to really cut more than just sting. and i have been struggling to not take things personally and to keep a focus forward.
i have been overwhelmed with the process of creating ten. the mere specifics of 2 persons making all the decisions has found me in discord over some key issues. mediation was brought in, but didn't seem to have an effect, as i am realizing people do just as they want whether there are agreements or not. and the most chilling aspect to this is that i am, indeed, the very same. pisser though, as i would really like to be angry and be a victim here. this leaves me not really knowing how to feel- so i find myself wading in frustration. but make no mistake, i don't feel hopeless. i just cannot pretend to feel inspired, either.
the other evening, at a meeting, a colleague i haven't spoken to in months, basically snubbed me. the last time we spoke, she said she was going to try to get me a job with the organization where she worked(working with incarcerated persons with hiv). fast forward to last thursday where she can't give me the time of day. very puzzling. part of me says- "don't make this about you" as it is really about her.. much easier said than done on my part. could she be angry with me because i didn't wait for her to get me a job? seems ludicrous, but i am still going to be a colleague and i wonder if this temperature change is permanent.
but this is my final day before take-off. no doubt i am restless. i can almost taste the change. i am hoping in some ways this direction will resemble breaking the sound barrier, or at least some barriers. for more than just me.
today's sound choice is one of my very favorite electronic orchestras- hybrid. the name of this track is "if i survive" featuring julie cruise. i encourage you to give hybrid a listen if you haven't before. often there is a symphonic quality that gives me goose bumps and makes my heart smile.
it never ceases to amaze me that i can be so very inept at reading a situation. i always think my gut is correct when i am in the middle of something or someones, but when i leave my thinker starts getting out of whack and i replay scenarios over in my head with quite a different perspective and much doubt and self recrimination.
today, i had the privelige of interviewing for the position which has been discussed between myself and a clinic for the last 6 months. i went prepared for almost anything, but unexpectedly encountered a panel interview with the entire clinic. it was challenging for me to remember to make eye contact with each person when answering the set of questions printed out for my benefit.
and i stumbled when discussing my shortcomings. not that i couldn't find them, but more that i probably touched on an overabundance. and by the end of the 40 minute session, i had no real idea whether i was able to retain the kindly impression they had of me before this formality, or if i had somehow caused them to rethink some of their position.
either way, change is in the air. i have cut back on my schedule at the other workplace to 18 hours and i will need to fill time after the end of this month. as i reflect on this transition, i honestly feel some peace. i intuit that change is at hand, and to fight this would be futile.
trusting the process and having faith that i will find myself in a very comfortable position faces me with my own fear. step 3 is the handy tool for me to utilize. came, came to, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to santiy. it's just back to basics.
today's sound choice is the overwhelming and almighty david bowie with "changes"
"I think that all of us are like eagles who have forgotten that we know how to fly. The teachings are reminding us who we are and what we can do. They help us notice that we're in a nest with a lot of old food and old diaries, excrement and stale air. From when we were very young we've had this longing to see those mountains in the distance and experience the vast ocean, but we somehow got trapped in the that nest, just because we forgot we knew how to fly. We are like eagles, but we have on underwear and pants and shirt and socks and shoes and a hat and coat and boots and mittens and an Ipod and dark glasses, and it occurs to us that we could experience that vast sky, but we'd better start taking off some of this stuff. So we take off the coat and the hat and it's cold, but we know that we have to do it, and we teeter on the edge of the nest and we take off. Then we find out for ourselves that everything has to go. You just can't fly when you are wearing socks and shoes and coats and pants and underwear. Everything has to go."
from "start where you are" by pema chodron.
this sounds like recovery to me. and i am only now remembering i may know how.
today's sound choice is damien rice... "i remember"
You must be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi
i had such a smooth as silk experience yesterday. i went to work, i watched the inauguration, i networked with a couple of colleagues outside the office, i met with a potential collaborator and discussed the possibility of new funding streams for recovery support, i proofed a flyer, i taught a dui class, and i overate some garlic hummus using pita.
of course this is a snippet of what is a typical day. nothing extraordinary really. i have grown accustomed to my life and my routine. i like most of what i do, and i don't have much time in the day to notice any dissatisfaction, which gives me comfort.
but i realize that i am going to have to change gears soon, if i am to fulfill a promise i have made to myself. i think that improvements in the way our little denver colorado world work could positively affect the lives of my fellow denverites. at least some of them. and i no longer have the luxury of complaining. i have changed my stance on complaining and i did that when i cast my vote. i am thankful that i no longer automatically feel helpless or that things are out of my hands. and with that change comes the reality that if i believe things could be better, i need to work for that.
so, i don't think my schedule will part like the red sea and make room for more effort, but i do think i need to start shifting my awareness to make room for stepping up the community service. as many of my readers know, i have been blessed to have doorways appear which i only have had to step through and like a light switch, my world has shifted and i have been able to shake hands with change. this is part of who i have become and i can't claim it as a talent. but it is part of the blessing bestowed and i must work with it.
be the change you want in the world... this may seem outrageous and old-fashioned, but for me, it seems the only next right move.
what a great and inspirational day our nation had yesterday. but i believe it is time to wake up. maybe i follow edith childs' lead. one voice. one mind. one effort can change a campaign, a city, a direction, and a destination. or at least the tone of any of those.
But during the campaign, "the little woman," Councilwoman Edith Childs, made an in-the-flesh appearance with her favorite presidential candidate. Dressed in a purple suit with her trademark hat, "a church hat" as Obama often refers to it, Childs joined Obama on stage at a town hall here to lead the crowd in her own rendition of "Fired Up! Ready to Go!"
"Fired Up! Ready to Go! Fired Up! Ready to Go!" Childs chanted in a singsong. (Obama's delivery usually has a little more punch.) Childs added a twist to her call this time, getting the crowd to repeat after her, "Obama! Obama! Obama!" and "Will be! Will be! Will be!" followed by "Our next! Our next! Our next!" and finally "Pres-ah-dent! Pres-ah-dent! Pres-ah-dent!"
Obama doubled over with laughter as Childs lead the crowd in the chant and hugged her after she finished.
today's sound choice is harold melvin and the blue notes doing "wake up everybody"
the legend is whispered in the women's tent how the moon when she rises full follows some men into themselves and changes them there the season is short but dreadful shapeshifters they wear strange hands they walk through the houses at night their daughters do not know them ....lucille clifton
i have been back at the gym for about 3 weeks now and i am starting to see a bit of a difference. my midsection has risen like a sourdough starter to be twice its normal size.(ewww) I am distinctly hoping to address this issue consistently. i have realized that during step class, once the warm-up is over and we are into running the combinations, i am in the throes of meditation. i let go of my conscious self and definitely act on instinct. i concentrate on the moment at hand and not thinking about what i need to do, or what i hope happens.
i also find that with this physical change comes a more subtle perception change. having more energy from the endorphins i suppose, i feel again as if i can process a bit more than i could a month or so ago. i have a few irons in the fire and i am not so much feeling overwhelmed for any length of time. it comes and goes.
and i am learning to think peacefully. certainly not first, but definitely before acting in many many situations. this is saving me so much wear and tear on my soul.
this business of changing is really multi-layered and compelling. i intend to help it hold my interest for awhile.
last night i watched, as almost all of my fellow countrypersons did, as our national posture shifted slightly. i witnessed via several senses, the repositioning of our demeanor, our intention, and our buy-in. i'm covered in goose bumps and thrilled to the core. i almost feel awestruck. and for this jaded monkey, that alone is a momentous accomplishment worthy of its own overture.
as i sat transfixed on the telly and scoured the myriad faces in millennium park, in harlem, in times square, and at moorehouse, i was engulfed with the sobering truth that this was not my moment or my leader at all. this is someone much much more. more than a national leader. this may very well be a world leader.
Now is the time for all good men To get together with one another Iron out our problems And iron out our quarrels And try to live as brothers And try to find a piece within Without stepping on one another And do respect the women of the world Just remember you all have mothers Make this land a better land Than the world in which we live And help each man be a better man With the kindness that you give I know we can make it I know darn well we can work it out Oh yes we can, I know we can can Yes we can can, why can't we
I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive Men weren't meant to ride With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me Inside of me Inside me Yeah, inside me Inside of me
sometimes i get the idea that i think that i won't have to do quite a lot of work to help get this country back into a position that is palatable. i wonder if i think that someone is going to do my share for me. i wonder if i am thinking the kansas superhero candidate is somehow going to save me from a fate worse than death. actually i know i think this sometimes.
but reality bites. bites butt. in reality, i am aware that our nation has been so paralyzed by the bold and audacious moves that our short sighted leaders have taken, that we have forgotten how to be interactive and we have not wanted to deal with anything that might present itself as challenging. we have wanted everything easy, and our leaders have dismantled systems and broken off liberties and eagerly created an environment to deaden our abilities to be free thinkers. some of the hardest work for americans in the coming years may be remembering that we have a stake in all this which requires more than just phoning in or texting our opinions, and we have responsibility for what happens next. and then trying to agree on what direction things should move and how best to make that happen goes hand in hand.
more than anything, i am hoping this election (and hopefully change of leadership) will bring about a return to integrity, personal accountability, and the idea that we are all working in the same direction and we can count on each other. we look out for each other and depend on each other, whether we have or have not.
‘To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.’
— Henri Bergson
certainly at one point in my life i wanted to be a dancer. i don't know that i had really thought about what that meant, nor had i really experienced what it would be like to go to rehearsals all the time, deal with pain in my feet, my back, my legs, and my ass. i never really considered that i would probably have to fall quite a lot before i got the jumps high enough or the turns to be fast enough or crisp enough.
i never gave it a thought that i would probably have to get paid very little unless i made it to a certain level of my career, or that there would be hundreds of others vying for the same spot.
no, i just knew that to be a dancer was to say "yes" to something very cosmic and it would probably take me to a higher level of consciousness because i would be trysting with the muses.
and my humdrum life really wanted a shot in the arm.
that was when i was 18 or so. my career life has morphed several times since then. i played house in an after hours club for several years. i was a performance artist(waiter) in numerous restaurants, doing shows nightly, and making a decent hourly wage. i came up through the ranks at a travel agency to become a managing partner after 12 years. this allowed me the distinct pleasure of having hangovers and blackouts on almost all the continents of the globe. and i became a butler/cater waiter to private chefs, because the money is quite good and i like food. i guess i have the ability to keep the chefs calm, too, 'cuz they seem to like to have me around.
but i now think that i have been working with other addicts and people in and not quite in recovery and i might have found a "calling" for now. there is a bit of the teacher that gets to appear when i do this work. and some will tell you that i have a gift of gab. i also think i have a unique quality of being able to see through a situation, meaning to discern what may be going on behind the scenes. often i can sniff out motive and hidden agendas. and most certainly, i have years of experience with self-delusion and masquerading feelings. and self-medication of many kinds has peppered (and many times deflated) my aspirations.
anyway, just thought i'd share a bit of my worklife journey. i think i am preparing to construct a new resume and i am looking to approach it much differently than the last one i created. i think my social activities, and my life experiences have added as much if not more to the qualities i can bring to any position as my work experience does alone.
i think a part of me still yearns to be a more creative being. no doubt i think that "dancing" with a muse wields some sort of power that i seem to not possess. but truth be told, unlike before, i believe i am on a good path and that whatever this journey is to teach me is unfolding in its own time and for my benefit.
"Gnossienne" is the name given to several piano pieces by French composer Erik Satie in the late 19th century.
i am in a weird spot. strange and uncomfortable actually, because i feel my anger and my ego rising certainly, but also because i feel as if something ain't right. i serve as co-chair on the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv resources. we are currently underway to draw out our 3 year comprehensive plan. we have taken bids from contractors, but went with the samo samo after i was told because they were local and knew our modus operandi that it might facilitate fluidity. okay i can understand this.
we are setting upon an adventure with this process, there are several mini-retreats for all the committees. since i am on two committees it would mean two retreats. okay, the plwh committee i reschedule to fit several schedules. but the exec committee has been rescheduled without my input (mind you there are 6 persons on that committee). today when i spoke with the coordinator she informed me of the date and i was shocked. she replied that she had sent out the calendar the previous week. i did get a document on publisher which i don't have and cannot open. i have informed her of this before. today she replied that she didn't have time to worry about that now- that she was too busy.
i suggested that perhaps she could save the document as a pdf or some different file, but she couldn't worry about that now. well i think it's retribution for something that happened in the last exec meeting. she started crying when she was discussing another vendor and their apparent lack of effectiveness as well as their lack of respect for her. i was a little taken aback at the crying jag in the meeting as well as the inappropriateness of the inference about a vendor. as a council our job is to deal with percentage appropriation only and not individual vendor selection. and i think our job is to remain neutral.
Doorknob (from Alice In Wonderland) Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.
so here i am, feeling unimportant and unnecessary. i am torn between two reactions (well i guess 3). 1) to resign from the council- small shit i know, but frankly all these meetings and retreats are scheduled during my work hours and i don't necessarily get paid for them- sometimes i don't get paid because of them. and i don't like being told that because i don't own a certain word processing program that i am not entitled to know what the schedules - i am a co-chair after all- which actually should make no difference- we are a council for plwh and need to accommodate them, not diminish them. 2) continue- swallow my singed pride and hang on to my seat, 'cuz it may be a bumpy ride. however, i could resign my chair position. i actually am currently working 3 jobs to make ends meet and it's maybe more than a bit crazy to try to include all this service work when i'm not really sure it's making any difference. 3)realize that i am wanting to make a decision because i am feeling emotional and do nothing to change right now, at least until the emotionality subsides.
i have to say that i am almost embarrassed that i am writing about something that seems to be so self serving, but it somehow has importance for me. i am not sure if it's the boundaries involved (or lack thereof) or another issue. i do know that i feel as if perhaps my talents and passion could be more wisely focused elsewhere. i am unclear if i have too many irons in the fire and need to downsize. certainly the "ships" discussed here already been launched. the musical notes of this composition are already being played. i guess i'll find faith that whatever happens is what is meant to happen. but first i check my motives and relax. be still and know.
