trois gnossiennes

"Gnossienne" is the name given to several piano pieces by French composer Erik Satie in the late 19th century.

i am in a weird spot. strange and uncomfortable actually, because i feel my anger and my ego rising certainly, but also because i feel as if something ain't right. i serve as co-chair on the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv resources. we are currently underway to draw out our 3 year comprehensive plan. we have taken bids from contractors, but went with the samo samo after i was told because they were local and knew our modus operandi that it might facilitate fluidity. okay i can understand this.

we are setting upon an adventure with this process, there are several mini-retreats for all the committees. since i am on two committees it would mean two retreats. okay, the plwh committee i reschedule to fit several schedules. but the exec committee has been rescheduled without my input (mind you there are 6 persons on that committee). today when i spoke with the coordinator she informed me of the date and i was shocked. she replied that she had sent out the calendar the previous week. i did get a document on publisher which i don't have and cannot open. i have informed her of this before. today she replied that she didn't have time to worry about that now- that she was too busy.

i suggested that perhaps she could save the document as a pdf or some different file, but she couldn't worry about that now. well i think it's retribution for something that happened in the last exec meeting. she started crying when she was discussing another vendor and their apparent lack of effectiveness as well as their lack of respect for her. i was a little taken aback at the crying jag in the meeting as well as the inappropriateness of the inference about a vendor. as a council our job is to deal with percentage appropriation only and not individual vendor selection. and i think our job is to remain neutral.

Doorknob (from Alice In Wonderland)
Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.

so here i am, feeling unimportant and unnecessary. i am torn between two reactions (well i guess 3).
1) to resign from the council- small shit i know, but frankly all these meetings and retreats are scheduled during my work hours and i don't necessarily get paid for them- sometimes i don't get paid because of them. and i don't like being told that because i don't own a certain word processing program that i am not entitled to know what the schedules - i am a co-chair after all- which actually should make no difference- we are a council for plwh and need to accommodate them, not diminish them.
2) continue- swallow my singed pride and hang on to my seat, 'cuz it may be a bumpy ride. however, i could resign my chair position. i actually am currently working 3 jobs to make ends meet and it's maybe more than a bit crazy to try to include all this service work when i'm not really sure it's making any difference.
3)realize that i am wanting to make a decision because i am feeling emotional and do nothing to change right now, at least until the emotionality subsides.

i have to say that i am almost embarrassed that i am writing about something that seems to be so self serving, but it somehow has importance for me. i am not sure if it's the boundaries involved (or lack thereof) or another issue. i do know that i feel as if perhaps my talents and passion could be more wisely focused elsewhere. i am unclear if i have too many irons in the fire and need to downsize. certainly the "ships" discussed here already been launched. the musical notes of this composition are already being played. i guess i'll find faith that whatever happens is what is meant to happen. but first i check my motives and relax. be still and know.

interesting video posted today on gay wisdom