priorities

for the last 3 years, i have been graced with the opportunity to volunteer for the denver mayor's office of hiv resources planning council (mohr) with the last 2 acting as a co-chair. the purpose of the council is to guide with respect to which categories of service to fund for coming year.

we have entered into the prime season for our work. as the leadership of that body, we are now organizing the data to present, collecting community opinion and feedback, and preparing to present all this to the council at large (about 30 people) at an all day retreat we call "priorities".

in this process, i have learned so very much about the needs of persons living with hiv well beyond the scope of my own experience. i have also been made aware of the costs of doing business as a provider, and seen the magic that happens when people's hearts and minds become passionate about the work they do and the people they serve.

please don't be misled. additionally, i have seen how becoming too directed in one's service can easily turn good intentions into what could be labeled misdirection and manipulation in search of obtaining the almighty dollar. although i like to have faith in people as much as possible, i am not completely naive. but this is the exception and not the rule, and i refuse to become bitter because a snake or two can be found in the garden.

the council is comprised of about 1/3 treatment providers, 1/3 plwh, and 1/3 interested citizens at large. the real intention is to keep a "checks and balances" in place for the dissemination of the ryan white funds for the city. this is part of the federal legislation and is required in every major funding area of the country.

the effects of hiv and the communities involved have shifted over the years. medications have taken the infection of the virus from being almost certainly fatal to completely manageable in most cases. but the specific communities that are largely affected have become more in number and the poverty factor continues to become increasingly influential. this causes successful treatment to become more challenging and much less of a "slam dunk".
this is one concrete reason that priorities remains vital. from the outside, treatment would seem such a non-issue. "why don't we just give them medicine and be done with it"? one might ask... but upon closer inspection, one sees that if a person has no home, or a concrete substance use issue, or a mental health issue, or cannot pay their bills, then the likelihood of treatment adherence, which is vital for successful application, is doubtful. quite the opposite, starting a person on medication in this lifestyle environment creates further issues down the road as they can become resistant to meds.

thought and discussion is required in the dissemination of treatment dollars. all of the components mentioned are necessary in successful application. and listening to those who aren't always at the table is mandated for a holistic approach.

it's draining emotionally. it can be distracting to our regular schedules, but it improves and saves lives without fanfare on an annual basis. i welcome priorities.

today's sound choice is michael jackson with "they don't really care about us"

trois gnossiennes

"Gnossienne" is the name given to several piano pieces by French composer Erik Satie in the late 19th century.

i am in a weird spot. strange and uncomfortable actually, because i feel my anger and my ego rising certainly, but also because i feel as if something ain't right. i serve as co-chair on the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv resources. we are currently underway to draw out our 3 year comprehensive plan. we have taken bids from contractors, but went with the samo samo after i was told because they were local and knew our modus operandi that it might facilitate fluidity. okay i can understand this.

we are setting upon an adventure with this process, there are several mini-retreats for all the committees. since i am on two committees it would mean two retreats. okay, the plwh committee i reschedule to fit several schedules. but the exec committee has been rescheduled without my input (mind you there are 6 persons on that committee). today when i spoke with the coordinator she informed me of the date and i was shocked. she replied that she had sent out the calendar the previous week. i did get a document on publisher which i don't have and cannot open. i have informed her of this before. today she replied that she didn't have time to worry about that now- that she was too busy.

i suggested that perhaps she could save the document as a pdf or some different file, but she couldn't worry about that now. well i think it's retribution for something that happened in the last exec meeting. she started crying when she was discussing another vendor and their apparent lack of effectiveness as well as their lack of respect for her. i was a little taken aback at the crying jag in the meeting as well as the inappropriateness of the inference about a vendor. as a council our job is to deal with percentage appropriation only and not individual vendor selection. and i think our job is to remain neutral.

Doorknob (from Alice In Wonderland)
Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.

so here i am, feeling unimportant and unnecessary. i am torn between two reactions (well i guess 3).
1) to resign from the council- small shit i know, but frankly all these meetings and retreats are scheduled during my work hours and i don't necessarily get paid for them- sometimes i don't get paid because of them. and i don't like being told that because i don't own a certain word processing program that i am not entitled to know what the schedules - i am a co-chair after all- which actually should make no difference- we are a council for plwh and need to accommodate them, not diminish them.
2) continue- swallow my singed pride and hang on to my seat, 'cuz it may be a bumpy ride. however, i could resign my chair position. i actually am currently working 3 jobs to make ends meet and it's maybe more than a bit crazy to try to include all this service work when i'm not really sure it's making any difference.
3)realize that i am wanting to make a decision because i am feeling emotional and do nothing to change right now, at least until the emotionality subsides.

i have to say that i am almost embarrassed that i am writing about something that seems to be so self serving, but it somehow has importance for me. i am not sure if it's the boundaries involved (or lack thereof) or another issue. i do know that i feel as if perhaps my talents and passion could be more wisely focused elsewhere. i am unclear if i have too many irons in the fire and need to downsize. certainly the "ships" discussed here already been launched. the musical notes of this composition are already being played. i guess i'll find faith that whatever happens is what is meant to happen. but first i check my motives and relax. be still and know.

interesting video posted today on gay wisdom