roundabout

Native American Prayer


Oh, Great Spirit
Whose voice I hear in the winds,
And whose breath gives life to all the world,
hear me, I am small and weak,
I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever behold
the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have
made and my ears sharp to hear your voice.
Make me wise so that I may understand the things
you have taught my people.
Let me learn the lessons you have
hidden in every leaf and rock.
I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother,
but to fight my greatest enemy - myself.
Make me always ready to come to you
with clean hands and straight eyes.
So when life fades, as the fading sunset,
my Spirit may come to you without shame.

there are many many times that i feel inadequate to be doing what i do. my thinking spirals around to my not deserving to be enjoying what i do. i think i should not be happy. i undercut my balance and blow thought darts at my stature. it's crazy, but it's behavior i consistently return to and it is less than attractive. i can't even explain why i do it. i just do. and do it repeatedly.

the beauty of self discovery is the ability to recognize, albeit a smarmy habit like self sabotage. without recognizing, one has a less than meagre chance to overcome it.or change it. or work with it.

this is not a new concept at all for a post. but it is the song i sing these days. these revelations that have come with a few years of actually sitting with my emotions have completely astounded me. i never knew that i could be anything but crazy. i always thought that the self-debasing i have engaged in my entire life was the nature of the deadend cul-de-sac i resided on. it never occurred that it was merely a section of a roundabout and i had other turns to consider and other directions in which to go. sobriety has graced me with a little perspective. i am not merely travelling in circles today with no awareness. i am travelling in those circles still, but with the ability to see the necessity for different actions.

today i can recognize some of my  tendency to over-react to situations and not engage in them. i don't always make a right move, but i don't make the same painful one. this is a good start on a long path to saner living.  and i am damn grateful for it. (ps- the graphic on this post is a nod to my friend alex- who has a strong fascination for maps. i am now beginning to understand the power of zooming out)

today's sound choice is robbie robertson with "shine your light" from the film ladder 49.