roundabout

Native American Prayer


Oh, Great Spirit
Whose voice I hear in the winds,
And whose breath gives life to all the world,
hear me, I am small and weak,
I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever behold
the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have
made and my ears sharp to hear your voice.
Make me wise so that I may understand the things
you have taught my people.
Let me learn the lessons you have
hidden in every leaf and rock.
I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother,
but to fight my greatest enemy - myself.
Make me always ready to come to you
with clean hands and straight eyes.
So when life fades, as the fading sunset,
my Spirit may come to you without shame.

there are many many times that i feel inadequate to be doing what i do. my thinking spirals around to my not deserving to be enjoying what i do. i think i should not be happy. i undercut my balance and blow thought darts at my stature. it's crazy, but it's behavior i consistently return to and it is less than attractive. i can't even explain why i do it. i just do. and do it repeatedly.

the beauty of self discovery is the ability to recognize, albeit a smarmy habit like self sabotage. without recognizing, one has a less than meagre chance to overcome it.or change it. or work with it.

this is not a new concept at all for a post. but it is the song i sing these days. these revelations that have come with a few years of actually sitting with my emotions have completely astounded me. i never knew that i could be anything but crazy. i always thought that the self-debasing i have engaged in my entire life was the nature of the deadend cul-de-sac i resided on. it never occurred that it was merely a section of a roundabout and i had other turns to consider and other directions in which to go. sobriety has graced me with a little perspective. i am not merely travelling in circles today with no awareness. i am travelling in those circles still, but with the ability to see the necessity for different actions.

today i can recognize some of my  tendency to over-react to situations and not engage in them. i don't always make a right move, but i don't make the same painful one. this is a good start on a long path to saner living.  and i am damn grateful for it. (ps- the graphic on this post is a nod to my friend alex- who has a strong fascination for maps. i am now beginning to understand the power of zooming out)

today's sound choice is robbie robertson with "shine your light" from the film ladder 49.

mondays

mondays...i think i'm feeling melancholy and a little retrospective on this particular one. i'm kinda in the middle, not sure which way to go. and i'm really working at not filling this space or unknowing with my usual self. i am trying to pause and to trust that the universe will provide. god this sounds so effortless and yet it is an amazing test of my will. i want so much to just know what to do next, now. and not wait and trust.

Pema Chodron: —what is this situation trying to teach me? All the religions point to the fact that if you're fully present, it's the only place that you can wake up. You don't wake up, you know, by zoning out or somehow leaving. You wake up in the present moment. And so you have to find your own simple grounded language about how to say that to yourself. And that's a beautiful way to say it. What is this moment—or what is this situation or this person got to teach me, you know? Another thing I love, which I've learned from someone over the years, was, you know, this is a unique moment. This encounter, as unpleasant as I'm finding it, is unique. It's never going to happen again in exactly this way. And maybe I'm glad of that but I don't want to waste this moment because it's never going to happen again, just like this. You know, this is—this is the only time I'm ever going to experience this. So let's taste it, smell it.

have a beautiful monday. and give a beautiful monday as well. (fantastic dress eh?)

i'll keep holdin on

In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

i have a couple of good things happening today. both involve getting together with friends and just being. we will work on things, eat, laugh, and maybe do a little processing, too.

this is a welcome addition to my life this week. i need to laugh and i need to remember that the journey is the reason for life. there is not a destination necessarily. that this is the real deal.

i have found myself really wanting to be anywhere but where i am at currently in my life. i am in the middle of some circumstances that are definitely toxic, and i am working on amending that situation. in conjunction with this though, i feel stuck, my ego wants to strike, my heart wants to close up, and i suppose this is the lesson i need right now. and this desire to be anywhere but here is very familiar. it has been repeated throughout my lifetime on many different levels. and giving in to those urges have not historically led me to anything healthier. so i am trying something different this time, with the hopes of getting different results.

the 12step philosophy really is a design for living.

As the day goes on, we can pause where situations must be met and decisions made, and renew the simple request: "Thy will, not mine, be done."

i love this song. i posted it last year, too, albeit a different version. the lyrics speak to me and in case you are interested you can read them here.

oh, and have a lovely sunday-