i think i remember

"I think that all of us are like eagles who have forgotten that we know how to fly. The teachings are reminding us who we are and what we can do. They help us notice that we're in a nest with a lot of old food and old diaries, excrement and stale air. From when we were very young we've had this longing to see those mountains in the distance and experience the vast ocean, but we somehow got trapped in the that nest, just because we forgot we knew how to fly. We are like eagles, but we have on underwear and pants and shirt and socks and shoes and a hat and coat and boots and mittens and an Ipod and dark glasses, and it occurs to us that we could experience that vast sky, but we'd better start taking off some of this stuff. So we take off the coat and the hat and it's cold, but we know that we have to do it, and we teeter on the edge of the nest and we take off. Then we find out for ourselves that everything has to go. You just can't fly when you are wearing socks and shoes and coats and pants and underwear. Everything has to go."

from "start where you are" by pema chodron.


this sounds like recovery to me. and i am only now remembering i may know how.

today's sound choice is damien rice... "i remember"

start where you are

pic-pete wentz with a monkey on his back- can you relate?

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
Arthur Ashe

i have developed a habit of reading from books to my substance use groups. i don't use them to replace any curriculum, but hopefully to enhance them. i am particularly fond these days of pema chodron's writing. when i was struggling to get clean about 5 years ago, my friend had recommended the book "when things fall apart" as something that might be helpful in my situation. sadly, when i to the used bookstore to find it, i mistakenly purchased "things fall apart" by chinua achebe. i never wrote things down at that point and somehow the names seemed similar to me.

fast forward to when i actually purchased the first book. i was amazed at the simplicity of its buddhist sensibility. and it offered me hope and some wiggle room in my views of my issues and how they fit in the world.

needless to say, this book brought me great comfort. i started reading it to my matrix group as they seemed to be struggling with inspiration. i have never tried to impart dogma, only ideas. and the selections, when read aloud, almost always inspire conversations and seem to address the shackles of our own perceptions, even if for only a short while. this has expanded to the dui groups as well. there, so many participants are in precontemplative frames of mind, and i find it helps to get them engaged in new ways in group discussions.

what happened for me initially, coincidentally, while i read to my groups last spring, was that my life started to mirror the chapters in "when things fall apart" in very eerie ways. many things in my life seemed to start to do just that- fall apart. my job fell apart. my relationship with my former counselor completely disintegrated. i found myself re traumatized and experiencing ptsd so evidently, that i was compelled to seek treatment for it and subsequently worked through it. but most enveloping was the complete implosion of my sense of self. i basically had to take apart the wiring and reconstruct. this last bit- a daunting task- is still in progress.

so my purpose here today is to share the wonder of following an instinct (or my heart as it were). i knew when i read that book, that i was tapping into something much larger than myself, and much more logical than myself. now i have gotten a second book written by pema chodron with the title "start where you are". i read the first two pages of the chapter with that same name to one of my groups last night. it talks about seeing ourselves, knowing ourselves, and accepting ourselves. this seems simple, but is a vastly tall order for me. it seems so easy for me to hate the bits of me that are stumbly or rough or unexceptional and ordinary. i find comfort in the directness she projects as she relays that it is intelligent and thoughtful for us to see ourselves and love ourselves now, as we are today- with our emotional pimples and our brainiac halitosis, and not when we become the fantasy we want to be- just as we are right here, right now.

she says "do it now, don't wait.... and start where you are"

today's sound choice is sigur ros doing hoppipolla

the places that scare you

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

Mother Teresa

as the rest of my life unfolds, i find that i still encounter many places that scare me. i don't have all the answers, but i do find that i feel comforted when i rely on a higher power. my impression of higher power has morphed with time. i certainly don't think of hp now in the same way i did when i first got clean, nor before i stopped using. i think the following describes a bit how i feel about higher power at this time of my life. this is a book recommendation really. i find myself drifting towards buddhist philosophy as it allows space for my own vision and room for my skepticism. i can't say that i have begun to embrace the places that scare me, but it is an ideal i am working toward. when i can traverse my fears knowingly, i seem to come out on the other side a bit more grounded and maybe even enriched. maybe that has to do with not being alone.

The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron
A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

In The Places That Scare You, Pema Chödrön continues the teachings of When Things Fall Apart, showing how at the core of the most painful experiences lie the seeds of spiritual awakening. Here she presents key teachings on recognizing and cultivating the soft spot that is the gateway to compassion and open-heartedness.

In this book she discusses:
The four great catalysts of awakening, and how to integrate them into our lives
Why the soft spot is necessary for spiritual awakening
The basic goodness that is inherently ours
How the three noble principles can enrich everything we do
The maitri meditation that multiplies love
Why an attitude of don't know can be wiser than the world's greatest spiritual teachings
How to keep the heart open with equal fearlessness to both heartache and delight

mondays

mondays...i think i'm feeling melancholy and a little retrospective on this particular one. i'm kinda in the middle, not sure which way to go. and i'm really working at not filling this space or unknowing with my usual self. i am trying to pause and to trust that the universe will provide. god this sounds so effortless and yet it is an amazing test of my will. i want so much to just know what to do next, now. and not wait and trust.

Pema Chodron: —what is this situation trying to teach me? All the religions point to the fact that if you're fully present, it's the only place that you can wake up. You don't wake up, you know, by zoning out or somehow leaving. You wake up in the present moment. And so you have to find your own simple grounded language about how to say that to yourself. And that's a beautiful way to say it. What is this moment—or what is this situation or this person got to teach me, you know? Another thing I love, which I've learned from someone over the years, was, you know, this is a unique moment. This encounter, as unpleasant as I'm finding it, is unique. It's never going to happen again in exactly this way. And maybe I'm glad of that but I don't want to waste this moment because it's never going to happen again, just like this. You know, this is—this is the only time I'm ever going to experience this. So let's taste it, smell it.

have a beautiful monday. and give a beautiful monday as well. (fantastic dress eh?)

when things fall apart

image credit: lee krasner


i was given a book with this title by a woman i know after she came to me in complete panic because she had relapsed. she cried for about 20 minutes and we talked for a while after.

i gave her my fun house analogy. you just got fooled looking in a funhouse mirror thinking that was your true refection. it can happen to anyone.

it is my experience that it does happen to people. especially people with addiction issues.

she gave the book the next day with a lovely inscribed note and i have been very taken with its concept. the author pema chodron has quite a story. she is the first buddhist nun in the country in which she resides. she was a "regular" housewife who was scorned and fled to the east to repair her heartache. she has done exactly that and so much more.

pema chodron's belief is that when things fall apart they are not just in ruin. they are actually making way for something beautiful and wonderful to grow. this gives me hope and i believe it. it speaks to my truth. so true, but definitely not so easy to find my way there. this is a definition of faith to me. believing that more will be revealed.

a bit more of her heart:

Pema Chodron quotes:

Begin to develop curiosity, not caring whether the object of inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet.

The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.

When things are properly understood, one's whole life is like a ritual or ceremony.


If you follow your heart, you're going to find that it is often extremely inconvenient.

Compassion starts with making friends with ourselves -- particularly with our poisons.

Feeling irritated, restless, afraid, and hopeless is a reminder to listen more carefully.

Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us.

We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.

We cannot be present and run our story-line at the same time.

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.