state of mind

In life, there's many things that we have to learn to let go. We have to let go of situations, things, memories, people and even ourselves.

a theme is definitely emerging in my daily landscape and that might very well be "letting go". all the things i think i know somehow seem to be simply things i know and not truths. i am reminded often that the world is much larger than my limited perspective and perhaps i might try something called reserve or "wait and see".

for an impulsive person like me, the idea of waiting to see what may happen before coming to a conclusion seems almost counter-intuitive. my whole lifetime is pretty much based upon leaping before i look and jumping head first.

but these days, i find myself in a completely different state of mind. i am consistently reminded that i cannot see the whole picture. that if i pause, more will be revealed, and that i will most likely change my mind, so delaying a decision might not be completely lame. mind you, these are not emergency situations i am talking about here.

yesterday in a session, many of the participants were dealing with highly volatile emotional reactions they had from exchanges with another person. they were allowing their own balance to be disrupted by the activities of another. initially, i was reminded of myself, but then i remembered that i am actively learning to let others be as they are without upsetting my own equilibrium. that it's not necessary to be involved with others' drama. they can have their crazy and i will stay grounded where i am.

doesn't this sound delicious? i only pray this state of mind stays with me.

today's sound choice is a triple treat of shirley bassey with "new york state of mind" and a couple of other ballads.

start where you are

pic-pete wentz with a monkey on his back- can you relate?

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
Arthur Ashe

i have developed a habit of reading from books to my substance use groups. i don't use them to replace any curriculum, but hopefully to enhance them. i am particularly fond these days of pema chodron's writing. when i was struggling to get clean about 5 years ago, my friend had recommended the book "when things fall apart" as something that might be helpful in my situation. sadly, when i to the used bookstore to find it, i mistakenly purchased "things fall apart" by chinua achebe. i never wrote things down at that point and somehow the names seemed similar to me.

fast forward to when i actually purchased the first book. i was amazed at the simplicity of its buddhist sensibility. and it offered me hope and some wiggle room in my views of my issues and how they fit in the world.

needless to say, this book brought me great comfort. i started reading it to my matrix group as they seemed to be struggling with inspiration. i have never tried to impart dogma, only ideas. and the selections, when read aloud, almost always inspire conversations and seem to address the shackles of our own perceptions, even if for only a short while. this has expanded to the dui groups as well. there, so many participants are in precontemplative frames of mind, and i find it helps to get them engaged in new ways in group discussions.

what happened for me initially, coincidentally, while i read to my groups last spring, was that my life started to mirror the chapters in "when things fall apart" in very eerie ways. many things in my life seemed to start to do just that- fall apart. my job fell apart. my relationship with my former counselor completely disintegrated. i found myself re traumatized and experiencing ptsd so evidently, that i was compelled to seek treatment for it and subsequently worked through it. but most enveloping was the complete implosion of my sense of self. i basically had to take apart the wiring and reconstruct. this last bit- a daunting task- is still in progress.

so my purpose here today is to share the wonder of following an instinct (or my heart as it were). i knew when i read that book, that i was tapping into something much larger than myself, and much more logical than myself. now i have gotten a second book written by pema chodron with the title "start where you are". i read the first two pages of the chapter with that same name to one of my groups last night. it talks about seeing ourselves, knowing ourselves, and accepting ourselves. this seems simple, but is a vastly tall order for me. it seems so easy for me to hate the bits of me that are stumbly or rough or unexceptional and ordinary. i find comfort in the directness she projects as she relays that it is intelligent and thoughtful for us to see ourselves and love ourselves now, as we are today- with our emotional pimples and our brainiac halitosis, and not when we become the fantasy we want to be- just as we are right here, right now.

she says "do it now, don't wait.... and start where you are"

today's sound choice is sigur ros doing hoppipolla

when things fall apart

image credit: lee krasner


i was given a book with this title by a woman i know after she came to me in complete panic because she had relapsed. she cried for about 20 minutes and we talked for a while after.

i gave her my fun house analogy. you just got fooled looking in a funhouse mirror thinking that was your true refection. it can happen to anyone.

it is my experience that it does happen to people. especially people with addiction issues.

she gave the book the next day with a lovely inscribed note and i have been very taken with its concept. the author pema chodron has quite a story. she is the first buddhist nun in the country in which she resides. she was a "regular" housewife who was scorned and fled to the east to repair her heartache. she has done exactly that and so much more.

pema chodron's belief is that when things fall apart they are not just in ruin. they are actually making way for something beautiful and wonderful to grow. this gives me hope and i believe it. it speaks to my truth. so true, but definitely not so easy to find my way there. this is a definition of faith to me. believing that more will be revealed.

a bit more of her heart:

Pema Chodron quotes:

Begin to develop curiosity, not caring whether the object of inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet.

The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.

When things are properly understood, one's whole life is like a ritual or ceremony.


If you follow your heart, you're going to find that it is often extremely inconvenient.

Compassion starts with making friends with ourselves -- particularly with our poisons.

Feeling irritated, restless, afraid, and hopeless is a reminder to listen more carefully.

Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us.

We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.

We cannot be present and run our story-line at the same time.

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.