one thing i have come to love about meetings is the audacious miracle involved with a myriad of artful dodgers, minstrels, thieves, liars, gypsies, and grifters all coming together in one room and listening to each other. quietly listening. reflective listening. this is a complete shift in perception for these folks. it used to be all about them.
the willingness to let others shine, the desire to stay within the lines, the intention to support others in their journey. this about-face that has taken place in the lives of these characters is the best show in town.
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”
the ideas that i have encountered in my journey to stay clean have far surpassed anything i could have imagined. on the days when i am grounded, i know i feel healthier, happier, and more whole (very queer as i used to repeat an affirmation with those words). and on the days when i am not on my game, sometimes i feel as if i have been turned inside out, like a wayward sock at the bottom of the dryer. all my insides hanging out and picking up lint, the pattern and texture of my life visible for the world to see-(as if anyone is really looking at that stuff but me).
my world view has expanded as my ability to hear others' stories. and all of this torture that i have witnessed and trudged through may just be leading me to a safer and higher overlook. i had no idea that many of the things i have thought about myself were based on misperceptions and circumstances- not truth. i had no idea that i was not to blame for others' inappropriate behaviors. i had no idea that i had every right to be - just the way i am (i honestly had no clue about this- for the whole of my life before sobriety, i quietly believed that somehow i was tainted and wrong)
i didnt' realize that a mental health issue was just like thin hair or brown eyes and could be managed and worked with- after a lifetime of thinking it called the shots. i have learned that not reacting is sometimes the best response to a situation. i am understanding that my impulses-although succinct and powerful- are not necessarily facing a good direction. and i have learned (albeit painful sometimes) that saying "no" to myself is sometimes the kindest thing i can do.
somehow, life has once again become an uncharted adventure for me. the unknowns have moved into my awareness more, but the fear of these aspects is diminishing. life has been full and savory. as i come up on an anniversary and reflect, i let go of more and more regret and find gratitude for the lessons that regret ushered in. i am even in the process of forgiving my betrayers. it's so much saner than holding that jagged chard of glass called resentment (fear)
i always joke with my mother because she was in labor with me for almost 48 hours. it was 1958 and cesareans weren't as commonplace as they are today. i tell her that even though i had agreed to come down to live this life, i was there in the womb, lodging myself in her birth canal, because i was having second thoughts. i had changed my mind (pentimento). i got stage fright and couldn't go on. i knew how hard it was going to be and i didn't think i could do it. and i have echoed those thoughts at several junctions along the way.
yet somehow, with the help of something outside myself, i have managed to do it. this fact, indeed, is a miracle. here's to a funtastic friday and weekend. i'm gonna enjoy this good mood while it's in town.
somehow i became enthralled with celebrity rehab this season. i have watched an episode here or there, and last season i watched a few. but this year, there have been some moments of this rehab journey that these infamous people and this somewhat famous doctor travelled. sean young (of blade runner fame), michael lohan (yes, lindsay's father), bai ling, and some others- but most illuminated for me is amy fisher(long island lolita).
i'm not sure just what it is that hooked me about this season, but i do remember several moments. i remember amy getting pissed at the cameras following her and being reminded of the paparazzi that chased her in her teens. i remember the group going to a horse ranch and being asked to groom a horse's hoof. sean was thrown from a horse on a movie set, breaking her collarbone and losing a job. it was more than powerful, it was also poetic. there was bai ling having a manic episode and hiding on the roof of the rehab building. she was almost as crazy as some the tweakers i have known- and she was frightened of taking pharmaceuticals to combat her bi-polar disorder, feeling much more comfortable drinking herself into oblivion than trying something new. michael lohan and his phone were perhaps the saddest relationship that got featured on the show he was arguing with the people he loved through his phone for a good portion of the series and missed a very large portion of the treatment as he was high from the chemical releases in his brain from the exaggerated anger that swirled around him.
i don't know at all why i liked this season more than others. i relate to bullshit that they trudge through and i relate to the fear of change that leads the pack in most cases. it's hard to imagine life without a net. and many of us can i relate to only have one real net that will catch us. even if we fall, this particular net will numb the pain. but the damage that living while fucked-up does is not a new story, nor the one that holds my interest any more.
no the elegant story is that change does actually that. it changes things. it rehabilitates life. it unblocks the blocked. it hurts a lot and then feels good. and this celebrity business that envelops the subjects of each season falls a little as one by one experience some sort of therapeutic moment and realize that changing may be (not for certain) but may be smarter than remaining the same.
i understand very well how seeped in ancient drama a person can become. and i think that listening to many of these individuals (as well as many others i know) underscores how easy it is to remain stuck in the past. and changing, really changing, requires letting go of some things.
it is 4th of July weekend and i'm very happy for the 3 days. i am much less busy these days as i have let go of my second job. it a mixed bag blessing as i miss the 12K annually and feel that in my monthly budget, but i also have had much more time to just be which has afforded me some depth in my perception of my life.
last friday a colleague and i spoke to a group of african women refugees who are living with hiv. their perspective on the disease is very much contrasted with ours in the states- at least those of us living with it for over 20 years. they still deal with gang rape, stigma, asylum, and death, whereas stateside we have become much less fearful and integrated it into our lives. as we shared our experiences and thoughts about this, there was a visible and collective sigh of relief expressed both verbally and in body language after the interpreters did their work.
all in all it was a very powerful 2 hours for me. i still find it amazing that something i carried around as stigma and in fear can be of such use to others. i'll just put another silver dollar in my recovery piggy bank.
a friend has been struggling with his addiction for most of his adult life. he got sober for about a year but when he was scheduled to go back to his hometown for the holiday, what may have been the overwhelming guilt and emotion cause a restart of his tango with addiction. a week ago friday he was found dead on a bike path near curtis park- no doubt the benzos and some booze are at the heart of the matter for him. i felt some sadness, but an eerie overwhelming sense of relief as well. he really is not enduring the frustration of his situation, nor the aggravation of his ability to manipulate his situation any longer.
as i wait for an opportunity to apply for a promotion, i am again considering the idea of pre-treatment as an additional option for folks who are using. it seems that combining this under the umbrella of recovery support services may make sense. people who are using often have difficulty imagining that anyone lives and thrives without using. and a drop in support group may address this in a peer-educator and culturally competent way.
i thought about the fact that i used to often find myself at the refrigerator door, opening it, and looking in- even though i didn't want anything. it was more a thing that i just did. i remembered also that i used to get high in just the same way, often because i was listless without direction and just had nothing better to do. i have found new things to do.
no matter how many times i hear this song, i absolutely love it. and maybe now i have a slightly deeper connection to its meaning.
So open your eyes child, Let’s be on our way. Broken windows and ashes Are guiding the way.
Keep quiet no longer, We’ll sing through the day, Of the lives that we’ve lost, And the lives we’ve reclaimed.
i went to an al-anon meeting with a friend last night for the 1st time in a coupla years. of course, they focus on the 12 steps around trying to "fix" or "take care" or "manage" their own lives and the lives of the loved ones who are entrenched in addiction.
it was a larger meeting with over 25 people sharing their experiences, strengths, and hope around their own insanity. and again i found these people telling my story. growing up around a family of self-medicating bi-polars taught me to look beyond my own intuition and consider keeping secrets, silencing angers, and troubleshooting potential eruptions.
so many of my family members used alcohol heavily. my mother seemed to be caught on a teeter-totter of self- destruction and secret sadness. i had an uncle that drank so heavily that he got into vehicular accidents more than once, including one that left many in our family with a belief in miracles. my grandfather had kept a bottle of whiskey hidden in the garage his whole life because he managed better with whiskey in him regularly. and my grandmother was always trotting down to the local bar to drag his ass home before she hit the sack.
these are simply the building blocks of my own brand of insanity. i was a survivor of sexual abuse at a very young age and became what could be perceived as a predator. being fatherless had created a void where this sexual interest by males seemed something to covet- and covet i did. and the more men i snared, the more validation i got and with that came a warped sense of power. so it didn't matter that these guys didn't respect me, or betrayed me, laughed about me, told stories about me- or so i thought.
actually, all that public and private humiliation did take a toll. a great cost actually. i am still paying in many ways. so as i read step one aloud last night in that room- 1) we admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable, i realized that i am (and always have been) powerless over my reactions to my life and that although my life has changed over the years, my responses to these situations are instinctual and ancient.
one of the main gifts of sobriety for me is the ability and grace to recognize my instincts and refrain from indulging them. this is my understanding of the gift of desperation- that my reactions to life only cause me pain and grief and that i need to find to move beyond instinct and learn to ask for help and do things differently.
if you read the last 4 years of my posts, there is music attached to almost every one. my perception and my life has shifted dramatically but my love for music has only deepened. i was driving the 1st time i heard this song and i almost pulled over so i could get the full effect. there is something so visceral about this particular one. sometimes the smartest thing you can do is blame it on your ADD...
hope you enjoy listening even half as much as i do... here is sail from awolnation...
SAIL!
This is how I show my love. I made it in my mind because I blame it on my ADD baby.
This is how an angel cries Blame it on my own sick pride Blame it on my ADD baby
SAIL! SAIL! SAIL! SAIL!
Maybe I should cry for help Maybe I should kill myself(Chorus: myself) Blame it on my ADD baby
Maybe I'm a different breed Maybe I'm not listening So blame it on my ADD baby SAIL!
“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”
one thing i have come to understand with getting sober is that behind all the denial and pomp and circumstance of heavy drinking and drugging stands a person who never really learned how to feel emotions in a healthy way. the advent of getting high allowed me the opportunity to recede my fears, doubts, and self-judgements and make way for inflated ego and outgoing mania-driven adventure.
with 30 or so years of that under my belt, it has been quite the journey to let go of old delusions, understand and begin to see clearly how things are-not to mention why they are- and work towards accepting that information and move forward.
the most interesting and probably most spiritual part of this process has been the ease with which the universe has offered support for me. i have not suffered physically at all. i have always been afforded employment and revenue. i have never wanted to revisit the "old days" by action. sometimes i have through music and memory, but i have been blissfully blessed with no desire to test the "getting high" waters again.
that's not to say i have not had struggles. i definitely have. i have been living with ptsd (both from my childhood experiences as well as my adulthood) and that has probably been the most devastating aspect of having a clear head. reliving trauma and revisiting emotional torture is a monumental task- or has been for me. it has cost me friendships, it has cost me sanity at times, and i have had to recreate my life in sobriety just as i had many times in addiction because to walk through it was too much for me to comprehend.
i am sure there have been damages in my wake. on several occasions, i have found myself terrorized with conflict and unable to negotiate it which led me to step aside completely from relationship. this is not necessarily a nice thing to do. but i did. i hope i continue to get better.
i have started a new group which is a general support group - including mental health and recovery- and i think this process is igniting this post. i sit with these folks and listen to them negotiate their feelings and their perceptions and work on change and continued recognition at the same time. and i am amazed that they come and that they talk and they listen. i am embraced by the similarity in experience and the chance to witness. and at times i get to actually feel that all the bullshit (past and continued) was definitely worthwhile
no.3) pursuing recovery with less energy than pursuing addiction.
this seems a no-brainer, but it is really one of the things that brings many a seeker to their knees. somehow, we expect that since we have chosen to live in the light again, that all our efforts will be invincible. but addiction is more than just non-alchoholic wishes and caviar dreams. it is a frothy and stiff melange of chemical imbalance, ingrained habit, and emotions run amok. the journey takes willpower, and dedication, and clarity of purpose in order to get through the tumult that is the road to recovery. if we want it, we gotta fight for it. and in the beginning years, we have fight and fight hard every day.
i loves me some vsq... hear (ha!) they are with a version of "call me when you're sober"
hope is something that ebbs and flows with me. sometimes i hope for things that are not at all likely to happen. sometimes i hope that i will be recognized as the hero that i think i should aspire to. (but will never actualize because i see myself as a wicked witch.) these last few months i have been reconciling the ordinary qualities that i embody and the not-so-special-ness and the indulgent aspects that make me me. all this has been very much like ice cold water splashed in my face while simultaneously a waft of a cool breeze needed to change up the stale air of my current existence.
i was chatting with a friend about all this and we concur that our experiences both involve an emotionally dark and sinister place that we retreat to whenever life on life terms wobbles in and out of our desired direction. this dark space is familiar, comfortable, painful, and definitely juvenile. it's absurd at best, however, it is comfortable because that is where we spent much of our years.
no matter though, because the promises have begun to unfold and rolled into these miracles is the ability we now have to discern that what i describe above is how i use to be. it doesn't represent the person i am now. and though self degradation is my first stop, it is not the final resting place for my mind. forgiveness, understanding, letting go, choosing peace- these are the tools that i now carry. and i am learning (definitely through trial and error) to choose a different way of life.
so as i shift speed and direction in my life, i find myself seesawing between trust and fear. i make decisions every day, some good and some thoughtless. i do right and do wrong and have to not get torn about either. and the idea of fun is shifting for me. feeling more comfortable with myself in tandem with being less distracted by others has channelled a peace into my life. along with bigger questions and more gray areas.
if your journey is at all like mine,( and i can only wish that is is), then no doubt the road ahead will be chock full of twists and turns. the only insight i can offer is that trusting the journey is where my joy is found. the destination seems to always be shifting and the only constant i have found is my recurring need to change. something wicked this way comes. but something wicked does not have to stay long. simple, bittersweet, and delicious.
I have decided to share the "12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery" by Dr. Allen Berger which are listed in his book of that title. I believe they are mostly true and that one can never have enough insight.
2nd Stupid Thing:
Believing Sobriety Will Fix Everything.
Recovery begins with breaking the bonds of addiction. But this is only the 1st step of a long journey. Recovery is ultimately about recovering our true, or spiritual, self.
For many, remaining clean and sober developing what page 85 refers to as a fit spiritual condition. The concept of spirituality is relevant and for good reason. Discovering and connecting to a spiritual force provides us with the strength and ability to remain clean and sober. This is attained through the development of humility.
The 12 step programs are designed to connect us with a power greater than ourselves. The 12 steps, followed in order and with a guide are systematically set up to lead us to humility and a right-sized place in the world. While the 12 steps provide us with an incredible formula for change, we have to do the work. We have to dig deep and confront ourselves as we have never done before.We will feel worse before we feel better and we need to give up on trying to find a softer, easier way.
I have just gotten a small book titled: "12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery" by Allen Berger, Ph.D.
I thought this might be good to review with people I work with. And I though it might be interesting to review the 12 things (not necessarily the 12 steps) and see how it goes. I will go through them one by one and try to see if his insights match one's own experience.
1) Believing Addiction to 1 Substance is the Problem: Our best chance of recovery lies in abstinence from mind-altering substances.
In this short chapter Dr. Berger takes us through cross-addiction and substitution of one high for another. This is one of the more common judgement error with people I have worked with. A belief that the addiction is for only one substance and that other highs won't be as troublesome. Typically, the opposite comes to be true.
Also he describes the concept of self-medicaton and pain. He offers that most of us use extensively to make ourselves feel better or to avoid any sort of pain at all. His take (much like Buddhism) offers that pain is a friend when listened to and responded to with love.
And the idea ofself-erasure and self-hate is brought into view. According to Dr. Berger- Self-hate is deeply rooted in and continuously influenced by our behavior, even though we may not be aware of it. I am convinced that self-hate is one of the primary causes of relapse. A person simply does not feel worthy of recovery, worthy of getting better, worthy of receiving help, worthy of joy, happiness, success, freedom, and love. This leads to many direct and indirect expressions of self-hate. Undermining our recovery is one of the ways that self-hate can manifest itself in our life.
I can almost see it That dream I am dreaming But there's a voice inside my head saying "You'll never reach it" Every step I'm taking Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking But I gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down But no, I'm not breaking I may not know it But these are the moments that I'm gonna remember most, yeah Just gotta keep going And I, I got to be strong Just keep pushing on...
every now and again i visit ed negron's blog "the work-in" and always i find inspiration. here is the gem he had laid out for me yesterday..gratefully, i am reminded that change requires work and that the work is its own reward. thanks, ed...
Today's Gift
Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it shall be opened.
Throughout spiritual traditions, human beings are depicted as the children of a loving Creator who has offered us a kingdom. Repeatedly we hear that abundance, joy, and prosperity are at hand right now. Yet, though the harvest is here, "the laborers are few." Why is this so?
In spiritual life there exists a law called the law of demand and supply. Before substance can manifest itself, a need must be expressed. For example, if I desire to buy a home, this "demand" creates a force of attraction that will draw my home to me. The request comes first, the demonstration, second. If you do not ask, you will not receive.
Many factors limit what we are willing to ask for. We tell ourselves, "I don't deserve it; I'm not good enough." "How can I succeed when others have failed before me?" "Why should I have when others do not?"
In order to harvest the fields of plenty, we must plow up and discard these weeds of unworthiness, doubt, and guilt. Such self-imposed beliefs block the good that is our rightful gift. Affirm your own worthiness to partake of life's bountiful harvest. Then go forth to claim your Divine inheritance.
Cunning, agility, quick-witted, diplomacy, wildness, feminine magic of camouflage, shapeshifting and invisibility
the other night, while leaving a party, i drove past a very desolate corner in central denver. huddled by a curb was a fox. this is not a usual place for these beauties to be huddling, yet here he was. he didn't flinch as my car careened quickly and quietly by. he looked through the car as if he was surveying the land beyond it. i looked up the meaning of the fox as this is the 4th time i have seen one in the last year in the quiet of the night. i am believing that the fox has become a totem for me on my journey.
As a fox person, you are cunning... but, as a witch, you don't use your powers for evil. Foxes can walk into a room, sit by themselves for a few moments and get the layout of how things are. You can tell the friendly people and happy people from the ones who wouldn't want you anywhere near them. You can see how things are. This helps you to see where you would best fit in the interaction of things. You can sense what people are feeling or thinking. This can be a hard thing to know. You can't hear thoughts, but you can sense emotions. This is helpful in dealing with people in some respects, but in others it can be difficult. You will learn with experience. This is one of the talents you will need to enhance as a Fox. You can sense people, develop this habit. Be careful not to take it instantly to heart, these senses can be wrong, especially at the beginning. You are out to help people. This is another thing that you are to learn. Always be a shoulder for others to cry on.
Another thing is you rely heavily on your ears. They are like an extra set of eyes. You will find in time that you can almost "see" with your ears. Your nose is also a powerful tool. Just tonight, I was smelling a strange smell almost like honey and no one else smelled it. I kept smelling it whenever I leaned my head down towards the chair, and finally narrowed the location down to the cushions. I discovered a broken cigarette lodged in the cushion. It's kinda funny. That ended up being what I smelled. It's interesting and fun to connect with your totem animal. Just remember, don't go too far... If you start smelling things out in public, they're going to call the Charter boys out on you pretty quickly :) Just relax and have fun with your new "talents". from angelfire.com
A totem can be the symbol of a tribe, clan, family or individual. Native American tradition provides that each individual is connected with nine different animals that will accompany each person through life, acting as guides. Different animal guides come in and out of our lives depending on the direction that we are headed and the tasks that need to be completed along our journey.
Native beliefs further explain that a totem animal is one that is with you for life, both in the physical and spiritual world. Though people may identify with different animal guides throughout their lifetimes, it is this one totem animal that acts as the main guardian spirit.
I am a glorious child of God. I am joyful, serene, positive, and loving. Marianne Williamson
there is an interesting new development in my world. i will be shifting job duties and have more direct service responsibility with counseling. this shift has been plaguing me really since before the december holiday. now that it is here, i am wondering about any further shifts. i am reporting that i have been very flawed in my managing my concerns.
having been obsessing really about whether a specific change would come to be has been my monster shadowing my sleep and infiltrating my days these 4 months. funny how leading a life with trust and fear can be so much easier to visualize than it can be to actualize.no doubt this is "progress, not perfection" exemplified. but i have made it through to the next round and i and will be shortly on my way to the next adventure.
this concept of serenity certainly must be a kinetic condition. never have i been able to remain peaceful without interruption. this used to worry me - and probably still does from time to time. but as i grow i realize that peace and serenity is the harbor i can always come home to. i simply must reconnect with faith that safe harbor is there. certainly this is how serenity presents itself into my world sometimes... so i will partake in a cuppa while we have crossed paths.
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.--Rabindranath Tagore
the prognosis of "normal" is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. i have never really aspired to be normal, mostly because the likelihood of me reachiing that goal is nil. but it has always remained in my focus because that's what most individuals use as a marker.
so imagine my distress to spend years working hard at doing the right thing, only to discover that sometimes my head is full of crap and that i make foolish decisions and quick judgements just as easily as i pause when i'm agitated. no smoke, no mirrors, no distracting one's attention. just me and my "nothing specialness".
this is one of those times that i need to find gratitude. i know of so many many things to be grateful for. the trick is to connect with that gratitude. gratitude, like faith, is kinetic, much like the sun. at times it's completely evident, but there are other times when it's obstructed, and i have to really work at remembering what it's like when it's in view.
"I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street."
— Virginia Woolf
there is something so humbling about a chemical imbalance. after all, if sober, even with medication, there are some waves of emotion that follow those brain chemical dumps that are unmistakably powerful. sometimes one feels quaky for no reason. sometimes one can't sleep, even when there is no apparent reason for it. and one learns that without self-medication, the challenges maneuvering these potential emotional minefields can be huge.
and the carousel of brain chemicals doesn't go away with sobriety or with medication. it becomes manageable- sometimes more than others- and continues to challenge. it's not being crazy, it's more being flooded with impulse. feelings, thoughts, ideas, questions, more questions, and very often a debilitating depression.
i took another class for my counseling certification on bi-polar disorder. it was bittersweet as most of the persons in the class had some very personal and often difficult experiences with bi-polar disorder among their families and friends. the class is titled "understanding and treating bi-polar disorder". of course i am not able to diagnose, but i am capable of recognizing it in many instances. treating chemically is not my purvue, but treating it in the context of substance use is something i deal with regularly. and something i have much personal experience around.
it's well documented that over 1/2 of people who have substance use issues have mental health issues as well. the largest pool of that number have bi-polar disorder. and it's said that 60 percent of people with bi-polar disorder have substance abuse/ alcohol abuse issues. one of the most amazing things to me is the general lack of dual diagnosis treatment options in lieu of these figures. it somehow seems neglectful.
some not-so-fun facts about this disorder are that only a fraction of those with bipolar ever receive treatment because of
1) associated stigma
2) its misdiagnosis
3) tendency to deny that anything is wrong
4) self-medicating
5) identifying it as a physical, behavioral, or psychological issue and NOT biochemical.
6) although is can profoundly affect relationships for families and friends, it taks an average of 10 years to seek treatment.
7) Bipolar disorder affects 1.5 % of the population worldwide regardless of race, gender ethnicity, or socioeconomic factors.
peace can be so elusive at times.
recovery is a process in which an individual actively pursues mental wellness in the context of a neurobiological disorder.
today's sound choice is lady gaga with beyonce doing "telephone"
