here's the thing

“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”

one thing i have come to understand with getting sober is that behind all the denial and pomp and circumstance of heavy drinking and drugging stands a person who never really learned how to feel emotions in a healthy way. the advent of getting high allowed me the opportunity to recede my fears, doubts, and self-judgements and make way for inflated ego and outgoing mania-driven adventure.

with 30 or so years of that under my belt, it has been quite the journey to let go of old delusions, understand and begin to see clearly how things are-not to mention why they are- and work towards accepting that information and move forward.

the most interesting and probably most spiritual part of this process has been the ease with which the universe has offered support for me. i have not suffered physically at all. i have always been afforded employment and revenue. i have never wanted to revisit the "old days" by action. sometimes i have through music and memory, but i have been blissfully blessed with no desire to test the "getting high" waters again.

that's not to say i have not had struggles. i definitely have. i have been living with ptsd (both from my childhood experiences as well as my adulthood) and that has probably been the most devastating aspect of having a clear head. reliving trauma and revisiting emotional torture is a monumental task- or has been for me. it has cost me friendships, it has cost me sanity at times, and i have had to recreate my life in sobriety just as i had many times in addiction because to walk through it was too much for me to comprehend.

i am sure there have been damages in my wake. on several occasions, i have found myself terrorized with conflict and unable to negotiate it which led me to step aside completely from relationship. this is not necessarily a nice thing to do. but i did. i hope i continue to get better.

i have started a new group which is a general support group - including mental health and recovery- and i think this process is igniting this post. i sit with these folks and listen to them negotiate their feelings and their perceptions and work on change and continued recognition at the same time. and i am amazed that they come and that they talk and they listen. i am embraced by the similarity in experience and the chance to witness. and at times i get to actually feel that all the bullshit (past and continued) was definitely worthwhile