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Tuesday, May 4, 2010


hope is something that ebbs and flows with me. sometimes i hope for things that are not at all likely to happen. sometimes i hope that i will be recognized as the hero that i think i should aspire to. (but will never actualize because i see myself as a wicked witch.) these last few months i have been reconciling the ordinary qualities that i embody and the not-so-special-ness and the indulgent aspects that make me me. all this has been very much like ice cold water splashed in my face while simultaneously a waft of a cool breeze needed to change up the stale air of my current existence.
i was chatting with a friend about all this and we concur that our experiences both involve an emotionally dark and sinister place that we retreat to whenever life on life terms wobbles in and out of our desired direction. this dark space is familiar, comfortable, painful, and definitely juvenile. it's absurd at best, however, it is comfortable because that is where we spent much of our years.
no matter though, because the promises have begun to unfold and rolled into these miracles is the ability we now have to discern that what i describe above is how i use to be. it doesn't represent the person i am now. and though self degradation is my first stop, it is not the final resting place for my mind. forgiveness, understanding, letting go, choosing peace- these are the tools that i now carry. and i am learning (definitely through trial and error) to choose a different way of life.

so as i shift speed and direction in my life, i find myself seesawing between trust and fear. i make decisions every day, some good and some thoughtless. i do right and do wrong and have to not get torn about either. and the idea of fun is shifting for me. feeling more comfortable with myself in tandem with being less distracted by others has channelled a peace into my life. along with bigger questions and more gray areas.
if your journey is at all like mine,( and i can only wish that is is), then no doubt the road ahead will be chock full of twists and turns. the only insight i can offer is that trusting the journey is where my joy is found. the destination seems to always be shifting and the only constant i have found is my recurring need to change. something wicked this way comes. but something wicked does not have to stay long. simple, bittersweet, and delicious.

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Jeremiah Andrews said...

Very wise words indeed, and much needed in my case. It hasn't been a very easy week for me.

At least I am still clean and sober.


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