every now and again i visit ed negron's blog "the work-in" and always i find inspiration. here is the gem he had laid out for me yesterday..gratefully, i am reminded that change requires work and that the work is its own reward. thanks, ed...
Today's Gift
Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it shall be opened.
Throughout spiritual traditions, human beings are depicted as the children of a loving Creator who has offered us a kingdom. Repeatedly we hear that abundance, joy, and prosperity are at hand right now. Yet, though the harvest is here, "the laborers are few." Why is this so?
In spiritual life there exists a law called the law of demand and supply. Before substance can manifest itself, a need must be expressed. For example, if I desire to buy a home, this "demand" creates a force of attraction that will draw my home to me. The request comes first, the demonstration, second. If you do not ask, you will not receive.
Many factors limit what we are willing to ask for. We tell ourselves, "I don't deserve it; I'm not good enough." "How can I succeed when others have failed before me?" "Why should I have when others do not?"
In order to harvest the fields of plenty, we must plow up and discard these weeds of unworthiness, doubt, and guilt. Such self-imposed beliefs block the good that is our rightful gift. Affirm your own worthiness to partake of life's bountiful harvest. Then go forth to claim your Divine inheritance.
today i ran across one of those treats one finds on an easter hunt, although this one was inadvertent. i have struggled in sobriety with the realization that i am not as adept at handling life as i might like. i am often childish, over-emotional, reactionary, and often angry. this is especially disturbing to me as i would like to think that i am choosing to live a spiritual life and with that comes serenity, maturity, and peace. however, the volatility of my day to day life reveals that i am quite a distance from my desired location and i have much road left to travel. but knowing that i have found this delicious treat today helps me believe again in the magic of the universe and the possibilities in life. in typical buddhist fashion, the solution to a dilemna is a question, because the answer most likely does lie inside us. happy easter
Think of anger. Anger is the mind that wishes to harm and hurt. Patience is the mind that holds back from harming or hurting. Anger is most difficult to deal with; patience is most difficult to develop. Patience is the only thing that defeats anger.
Don’t be disappointed if you can’t do it right away. Even after years of practice you may find that you’re still losing your temper. It’s all right. But you will also notice that the power of anger has weakened, that it doesn’t last as long, and does not as easily turn into hatred.
If patience comes easily to you, wonderful. If not, how do you go from anger to patience?
- Gelek Rimpoche, from "The Real Enemy" (Winter 2001)
"When our values come into conflict with our behavior we have sold our integrity. When we live in such a way that our values are reflected in our behavior then we feel good about who we are." ...Earnie Larsen
it really seems sometimes that there is just too much damn work to do with this recovery trip. as i worked through the 12 steps with a sponsor, part of the process included making a list of my character defects and humbly asking for them to be removed. well, i did that, and one would hope that would be the end of it. sounds fairly succinct and tidy, doesn't it?
but it's a bit more complicated for me. as i have moved into life without getting high, i discover additional hidden layers of myself, perhaps because i'm alert enough to pay attention or sometimes because i just get in my own damn way. i find that i sometimes do things in direct contrast to my beliefs. i am not always kind when i have demonstrated and vowed to myself that is how i want to be. i sometimes manipulate situations and circumstances to get the result i want, in lieu of trusting the universe to deliver a result that is in my best interest. i repeatedly experience ptsd around situations, especially with regard to social situations, and with men in particular and react by instinct instead of with delayed and examined thoughtfulness.
currently this is the work i am in the middle of. i sometimes get lost in the forest for the trees. it can be overwhelming, as i would prefer to have moved past all this personal revelation gunk. however, i know that this is where the rubber meets the road in my journey. somehow i have come to realize (and believe) that all this work (baring my soul) not only has merit, but is required and will yield fruit. i have met people on several occasions that do not do this work. they have done the work to get sober or make change in their life, but have let it go there. they don't seem to have landed on "happy". and i prefer to take another path. pema chodron said "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." this rings of a deeper truth to me.
surely i'm neurotic. it could easily read that way. i probably am. more truthfully is that i also have always been that way. these last few years have just been clearing the cobwebs away from that truth instead of running from it. how am i to grow and change if i cannot honestly look at who i am? and how can i demonstrate and comprehend this behavior in others i work with, if i am too fearful or prideful to journey there myself? one more chodron quote for good measure..
People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.
......Pema Chodron
today's sound choice is a very tender selection. i stumbled upon it at pandora on my levi kries station. there seems to be a definite new direction in my taste, and it fits nicely. here is jake walden with "for someone"
“Put yourself in a state of mind where you say to yourself, "Here is an opportunity for you to celebrate like never before, my own power, my own ability to get myself to do whatever is necessary.” .... Anthony Robbins
december is the season of parties and celebrations. people get out of their cocoons to swap food, trade stories, and shake off the winter pre-winter blues. it is no different for me, other than i work most of these parties instead of attending them these days. i have been to 5 parties in the last (3) 24 hour periods. i have been with the wealthy and the impoverished, the sober and the sotted (and defnitely inbetween.) i much prefer this new lifestyle to my other incarnation. the parting gift is so much sweeter and gentler.
as you may or may not know, i have been working as a catering assistant for several years. the money is good and i get to participate in events that i normally would not be included on the guest list. last night i worked at the home of an international art dealer who calls denver his home.this particular homeowner has an incredible collection of oils, sculpture, and furniture. i feel spent having looked with longing and amazement upon painting after painting lining the walls of that 3 story mansion. mostly modern and contemporary, these colored canvasses create a collage of intention that perhaps needs to be shaken, not stirre, it was that intoxicating.
the structure, the mechanics, and the soul of parties has transitioned for me. i am not in the user-friendly period of my party life. i have become a worker bee and much less a voyeur. this suits me greatly in a couple of areas. i still participate in the art of and the spiritual necessity of celebrations. i just don't have the same "end of days" feeling that parties used to ship in. this is a glorious change.
i think that celebrations, parties, and revelry are akin to a healthy spiritual composition for me. logistically and socially, i am not at ease in these situations by normal standards. i never championed or mastered the art of small talk very well, and that is a crucial ingredient . so i keep busy and somehow it works. i like parties. i like them a lot. i need them in my life. i just don't live for them any longer.
Makin’ my connection as I enter the room
Everybody’s chillin’ as I set up the groove
Pumpin’ up the volume with this brand new beat
Everybody’s dancin’, and their dancin’ for me
I’m your operator, you can call anytime
I’ll be your connection to the party line
today's sound choice is the stellar dame shirley bassey with a remake of "get this party started"
shia labeouf - the newest indiana jones sidekick storms the media
the spring in colorado does bring some raging storms. here's a bit of what happened in windsor colorado the day before yesterday. if you are interested in helping out, donations can be made to the red cross here
One of the best parts of recovery is getting your feelings back. The worst part is getting your feelings back.
i have moved through so many emotions this last 2 months, it astounds me. i was reading back to the post just before i got the last major shake up from the universe and i found it pretty astonishing. it is eerie in some of its foreshadowing. i honestly had no idea that i would be experiencing ptsd the very next day which would be followed with a journey that has brought me to such amazing healing in my life.
i have even moved towards empathy for the person i believe to have instigated it all. i certainly now see that individuals that i had trusted and confided in were not capable of valuing that trust and that fact has very little to do with me. it has to do with another human's inability to live up to my expectations. (well, maybe not the state of colorado's either- but that's a conversation for another day). none-the-less, i am so encouraged that in a mere 60 days i have been blessed with releasing resentment and exchanging it for understanding, because in the end the one who will benefit from that move is me. and my heart, which already feels lighter and gayer. i am laughing again. i am feeling grounded again. and i am supported in ways i never could have foretold. or maybe i did in this post
Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.
Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one’s own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others.
