from nightingale
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i am sitting at home on my last night off this weekend and i am feeling as if i am on the verge of something. i don't think it's something bad, really, just something new. i somehow have come to understand that i am in a "role" much of the time and it is not always in my best interest. i think that i wait for difficulties to come forward in my life, or at least that is how i have been poised until now.
i find i have always expected things in my life to work against me. i find that i have always felt that i don't deserve to be happy. i think i believe in doing the next right thing, which is good and creates contentment in me, but i also have believed up until now that i have already used up my chances and that there is not really much "good" left for me.
i say "until now" because that is the key phrase here. it has suddenly (almost 25 years later) that indeed i do deserve happiness. i do deserve fulfillment. i don't have to carry around my shortcomings and my character defects like a badge of honor (or dishonor as it were). i don't have to feel like life has already passed me by. i have survived this long and the life that remains is not to squandered and not to be hidden away and saved for a rainy day. it is meant to be lived. it is meant to be savored. it is meant to be fragrant. it is meant to wear me out.
so i need to get busy. i need to work some more on acceptance and forgiveness of myself and of others. i need to find the light and shine it where it isn't seen.
i love tonight.
3 comments:
Once again your message has pierced me to the heart. I can see this thing you write about, but I'm not quite there. There is something blocking my way, but I can't tell yet what it is. It is patiently waiting for me to discover it and work it out of the way.
Part of the barrier involves my inability or unwillingness to love myself. Love, forgive, accept, care for myself. I'm not sure if that's what I see behind that barrier, but I need to lose my resistance to loving myself.
I like this picture. It loaded gradually on my screen from the top down. As his head and face appeared and I saw his expression, I thought "that's the way someone looks at a baby. I wonder if he's holding a baby." Then the baby showed up. It was nifty.
I wanna talk to the stylist of that photo. What is that, a 19th century British adventurer's hat? Of course, with a body like that, he could have a frog on his head.
I don't think we will ever get rid of our character defects, the best we can hope is to reduce them from badges of (dis)honor for which we are perversely proud to accessories that we make shine under the light of humor. "Yes, that's my fear of financial insecurity, isn't it gorgeous? Cost me a fortune! But it goes perfectly with these resentments, and they were a steal!"
Everyone needs to work at being happy. It ain't a given. But I think some have to work harder than others. It sucks, and I'm in that boat as well. And yeah, I love that photo! If I saw a man dressed like that, holding a baby, I'd be all over him.
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