the making of....

HIV ONE ON ONE (Outside)

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about noon today, our hiv one-on-one committee is having their first saturday meeting with the intention of being more inclusive of people who may work weekdays and not be able to participate to time constraints. we need help moving forward with this training in march and we need as many people involved in the process as possible. there are many details and most of us have day jobs and full time occupations, so the more hands and hearts the better.

i'm planning a 2 day excursion to santa fe on the 19th with a friend. we will be doing some research for a project we are working on. i am more thrilled with getting away, and eating at casa de sena again. and the sangre de cristo mountains are breathtaking.

the job i has spoken of several months ago, has been rearing its head again. we will see what happens. each time the organization contacts me about the position, i am validated in my process and re-energized with my direction.


it's weird, but i am feeling very sentimental at this time in my life. i have met someone within the last few weeks who has pricked up my ears. there is no telling if it's friendship right now (which i am inclined to think) or something more, and i am not sweating that. but i am liking the not knowing and the question.

tonight, someone i used to have a "crush" on is taking me to dinner. i haven't really socialized with him for over 2 years. it clearly was toxic for me, as he hadn't stopped using meth then, as he had claimed and his resultant moodiness had torn at my heart. he has now surrendured to recovery it's said, and he is in his fourth step. perhaps he feels needs to make an amends. i understand that need and will rise to the occasion if required. and if it's not that, hopefully i can roll with whatever.

finally, i have been itching to write this. someone has been poking me twice a day on facebook. it's silly, but it makes me laugh everytime it happens because i say "he's always poking me" to myself every time.

maybe it's the upcoming valentine's day thing. or maybe i'm just thawing out. whatever it is, it's pleasant. and it's welcome and it's long overdue.

today's sound choice is stephane pompounac's hotel costes 11. i think it's chill and it's beautiful, much like my life has been feeling. thank you universe for allowing me some reprieve from my own madness.

quatre

from nightingale

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i am sitting at home on my last night off this weekend and i am feeling as if i am on the verge of something. i don't think it's something bad, really, just something new. i somehow have come to understand that i am in a "role" much of the time and it is not always in my best interest. i think that i wait for difficulties to come forward in my life, or at least that is how i have been poised until now.

i find i have always expected things in my life to work against me. i find that i have always felt that i don't deserve to be happy. i think i believe in doing the next right thing, which is good and creates contentment in me, but i also have believed up until now that i have already used up my chances and that there is not really much "good" left for me.

i say "until now" because that is the key phrase here. it has suddenly (almost 25 years later) that indeed i do deserve happiness. i do deserve fulfillment. i don't have to carry around my shortcomings and my character defects like a badge of honor (or dishonor as it were). i don't have to feel like life has already passed me by. i have survived this long and the life that remains is not to squandered and not to be hidden away and saved for a rainy day. it is meant to be lived. it is meant to be savored. it is meant to be fragrant. it is meant to wear me out.

so i need to get busy. i need to work some more on acceptance and forgiveness of myself and of others. i need to find the light and shine it where it isn't seen.
i love tonight.