4 minutes

as usual, i am typing my post the night before. tomorrow, i am emceeing the world aids day recognition ceremony at the denver capitol. it is held outside, and i will be introducing the lt.governor, the mayor, the head of hiv treatment at state health, and two prominent hiv doctors from our city. each will have about 3-5 minutes to get their message out and heard.

at the end, i have been asked to share a bit of my story, and as i have 3-5 minutes to speak, i guess i will try to say the following:

my name is rod rushing. so i am humbly standing before you on world aids day 2008. the theme this year is lead, empower, and deliver. i have experience with aids. i tested positive for hiv in 1985 in my then home of chicago. my best friend paul died 1 month after my test results came in. i was then 27 and have live almost half my life as a postive person. what followed paul's passing was a long stretch of fear and denial, as i basically went through the motions of my life anticipating that i would develop aids and die like so many of my peers. i moved to denver in 1987 with all expectations of dying in the home of my family here.

a quick death from complications from aids was not to be the path for me though. hiv has not been the deadly disease for me that it has been for so many. i cannot explain this. i did not always want this, either. but here it is. it is my story. hiv does not have to be a death sentence. it can be a manageable condition that can be kept in check with good nutrition, exercise, and eventually medication. almost everyone can have a long, healthy and emotionally full life. and this full life will best be achieved if everyone knows their status. ask the people you know their status. ask strangers. make hiv part of the conversation and impact stigma. work towards a safer city for hiv positive persons. and for non-positives. don't assume.

the advancements of science and medicine around this virus are both a miracle and mind boggling to me, as is the terror and pain that same virus is causing worldwide. but beyond those, there is a spiritual component of living with this virus. hiv has heralded a spiritual awakening in me. there has been a huge lesson and rejuvenating for me that i could not have foreseen in those early days. i had been engulfed in the wake of terror. i was frozen or numbed for over a decade. the voyage i am now embarking upon is to learn to live. to learn to manage. to learn to heal. to learn to forgive. and to lend a hand. and to me "living" is why there is a day of remembering. those friends are not forgotten. that pain was not for nothing. we must allow every affected person to have his/her own awakening. i- we- are waking up and looking beneath the surface and finding a better way to live. to laugh. to love. to lead.. to empower.. to deliver....

thank you..

today's sound choice is a remix of madonna and justin timberlake's "four minutes"

fool around

for some strange reason i started thinking about rachel sweet and her ultra sweet voice. in 1978 and '79 i used to listen to her "fool around" album over and over. funny thing, i thought she was so great, but no one i ever knew ever heard of her. my friend mark stephens and even bought a pair of pumps (yes that's right) because on the back on one of her singles she was wearing pumps with jeans and we thought that was the "t".



sidebar- we wore those pumps to 3 parties and 2 shows (including rachels sweet and grace jones). mine were spectator pumps-mockup above. we had so much fun fooling around and thought we were "the shit".

anyway, she ushered in the 80's with a remake of "everlasting love" with rex smith. the sales went nowhere, but i love that song, both the original and their remake.


here is what i found about her on wikipedia


rachel disappeared for a few years and then re-emerged with an appearance in john waters' "cry baby" playing the granddaughter of polly bergen(in voice only). she also did the first music video in 88 for the original "hairspray". you can see her "hairspray" video(circa 1988) here


here's what one reviewer said:

This one brings back the memories. Rachel Sweet was a 16 year old junior at Firestone High School in Akron, Ohio, when FOOL AROUND was released. I had lived in Akron for fifteen years at the time, and something was in the air, the feeling that the town, a truly miserable place to live, was going to break out musically, with bands like Devo and Tin Huey and The Bizarros getting major label deals and expatriate Chrissie Hynde waiting in in the wings. Rachel Sweet, in such esteemed company, was almost an afterthought to the self-consciously hip among us, given that her pop stylings never approached the avant guard, cutting edge groove that groups like Chi Pig were able to toss off. It is accordingly remarkable to listen to FOOL AROUND, some three decades later, and to be floored by how good it sounds from beginning to bonus-track(s) end.
read full review here

if you haven't heard of rachel sweet or haven't heard her for awhile, i would recommend it. hava listen. as a matter of fact, i would urge you to download the tracks of fool around and see if it doesn't really stand the test of time. tunes like "who does lisa like" and 'stay awhile" are in my eyes(ears) simply spectacular..

who knows, maybe she was only fooling around. even now, 30 years later, i think she's pretty damn sweet.

Rachel Sweet - B-A-B-Y 1978
Uploaded by mrjyn

sex underground

hiv and meth... hiv and meth.... hiv and meth....

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."
-Fritz Perl

so many men i know have both of these items in their stories. is there a connection? if so, how deeply does it run? in many, perhaps the big question is which came first, the hiv or the meth? are men medicating their feelings around hiv? are they medicating their feelings about themselves with sex and using meth to get that sex? are they medicating with meth and sex? is the sex satisfying when on meth?

only the headlines have receded, but certainly the questions remain. i know very many men in recovery who state the problem is all their disease of addiction/alcoholism. but i wonder if the solution is that simple. are the men who stopped using without the hiv-sex-self esteem issues solved? if you take away the meth are the problems gone too? the gay boiz are still smokin tina and gettin online for pnp. it's fascinating to discern the reasoning. but i'll betcha if ya check the numbers, the greatest percentage of those engaging in pnp with viagra and group sex are those of poz guys. are they mind-erasing the reality of their activities? would they be as callous about barebacking if they didn't have the mind eraser? if meth wasn't blocking their conscience from their sexual activity, would they still be dallying in multiple partners and popping viagra like vitamins in order to go for days?

these are all activities that i have actively engaged in. i guess i am sharing my own experience and questioning a trend. it's no wonder it's found a home underground. and what are we as a culture of gay men doing to work with this? here's what they are doing in seattle...

SOS

i know of 7 people in their 40's who have died this year of complications from AIDS. but beneath that facade was the darker truth of meth and the destruction of their immune systems from heavy usage. their drug use and their sex had gone underground. now they have too.

crux

one of my colleagues emailed me a time magazine article on the state of aids in our gay union and the silence surrounding it. i find it telling and compelling, thus i am sharing it with you all in the hopes that it increases dialogue and some thoughts about our approach. the truth is that i meet new positve men with regularity and realize that they feel under supported and frustrated. i also find that longer term poz guys have very little patience for these younger men because they weren't listening to the messages that are out there. (i wonder if we are simply burnt out and don't want to relive any painful memories again)

my feeling is that there are so many messages out there, direct and more subtle, that one can easily shut down to listening to that topic entirely. i also think that without the visible physical evidence of the nasty nature of this virus, guys think it probably isn't that bad. couple that with the natural tendency to think that nothing like that will ever happen "to me". and finally, throw in substance abuse or heavy partying to the mix, and DING DONG CLANG - one is ringing the bell loudly for a crisis.

the film is one of two posted on hivbigdeal.org. check them out. director todd ahlberg of "meth: the movie" did these two films and i think they are pretty well done.

the crux of the situation in my eyes: what's happening is that we are not mentoring the younger generation as well as we could. sure, they could listen more and they could be more respectful, but then again, they won't be young forever. I mean would we have listened?

happy pride!

in the name of love

photo credit: andy in cuba for towleroad

another pride post that brings a huge smile to my face. according to towleroad, gay rights activists held a rally outside havana which was supported by mariela castro, fidels outspoken daughter. they raised the rainbow freedom flag as a symbol of what seems possible, pictured above.
read the full story here

one more openly gay, loud, and proud that almost made me wish i were there from toweroad here
2008 has certainly rolled out some banner events for human and for gay rights, and the year is only half over. but the half-century standing communist rule in cuba making way for freedom of expression and human rights demonstrated her may indeed be a testament to the bold path that love can cut through an agenda such as communism.

here's a song about pride i have loved for most of my adult life. this is a live version that tweaks some things but remains true to itself. the lyrics are here. and i would add to bono's ad lib at the end: not just a heterosexual's dream.

easy to be hard

signore rafael lazzini

today's post is inspired by two things. first, the rememberance of reading dennis cooper's "the sluts". i absolutely loved this small book. it's use of the internet as a vehicle for suspense is profound and compelling. there were some scenes that were so vivid that i still feel a little oogie thinking about them. the backdrop is riddled with drug seeking sex workers, meth addicts, and sex working drug seekers and is definitely a good read. and watch for the snuff-like drama. it curled my toes.

i have liked cooper since the 80's. i remember reading a short story in "tenderness of the wolves" or "frisk" with a scene where a man is fist-fucking a younger man on a window sill in his apartment. they are both loaded and having fun. the fister then notices his watch still on his arm and remembers he needs to be somewhere and is running late. he reaches his arm out the window and shakes his sex partner(fistee) off his arm into a dumpster 3 stories below, turns on the shower and gets ready for the next adventure.

this image haunts me still today, as i truly believe it is a metaphor for the way many many gay men treat each other. completely utilitarian, we treat each other like tissues- we use each other to satisfy our immediate needs and then throw them away.


you can find a book review of "the sluts" here.

the second motivator was this recording of "easy to be hard" from the broadway classic "hair". havva listen and i think you'll agree.

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in
Easy to help out

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

pride inside

kelly has asked that this flag be posted on sites to "spread the rainbow", and i've opted to follow suit. there is to be an accompanying "coming out" story or a story about why you don't. so i have 2 entries- 1 my own and other from a blogami... please consider this an open meme, and use it to affirm the struggles that our predecessors have endured and to catalog and validate our own. pride is about celebration, not so much partying, but more about endurance and coming through the dark. coming out as it were by shaking loose the shame and finding pride inside.

it's funny, but i have been out since 1974 and have almost forgotten there was even a process, as it seemed so natural to me. by the time that queer nation was a fresh idea, i had been out over a decade and grabbed that idea's momentum and swung through the next few years of life on that. i remember chanting "we're here, we're queer, we're not going shopping" from tho loins of the gay pride parade during the early nineties.

but there was an issue that i really did struggle with during that time which was my hiv status. i knew inside that i was positive, but it was very difficult for me to discuss it with anyone. i wasn't clear how i felt myself, so i couldn't handle anyone elses feelings about it. i chose mostly not to talk about it. if i met potential sex partners, i told myself that they were adults and could be counted on to take care of themselves. if they wanted to know, it was their responsibility to ask. (a true statement, but certainly not how i feel today). anyway, i went through a few years of acknowledging coming out day by coming out about my status. it was challenging sometimes. it was no big deal sometimes-to others- but it was always a big deal for me. i'm glad i've come to terms with what i have and who i am. it has lessened the load i carry. i know there are men who still struggle with the same issues i did, and my heart goes out to them. something i can say to them is: denial seems very convenient and a blessing, but in the end, it is mostly the opposite: a curse and a big pain in the ass. the light goes on eventually and we have to look into our own corners and under our bed.

the second entry for this post is actually a redirect to stephen todd's "prison's a bitch". his recent "queer in here" post really resonated with me, and the image of him in his cell with a towel over his window, 80's music playing while he dances with himself, longing for a different sense of community, stays with me. i urge you to read it and remember it's in two parts.....read stephen todd here
2nd part here

VIVA LES QUEERS! What I believe, having made it through all these years, surviving all we have, heralding all the change we have generated, is that INDEED, WE ALL SHOULD BE DANCING.

evergreen

“Love yourself first and everything falls into line” Lucille Ball

i worked an event in evergreen on saturday. it was in the upper bear creek area which is a bit exclusive and phenomenally beautiful. i drove up about 20 minutes early to get some shots for the blog. i came up yesterday for a few hours to help set up and realized just how very striking this area is. colorado is quite breathtaking for that matter, and i forget to share this fact.

so i couldn't help but post this song from "a star is born". i guess they are classics for a reason. i actually loved this song (and film) when it came out. barbra's fashion choices in the film are nothing short of hoot. of course, this is a later recording, but i think it holds up. a litte bittersweet perhaps, and i trust a little hopeful as well. i mean, time does change us doesn't it? we all age don't we? and may be we all secretly wish to remain evergreen.

btw, i have posted a new playlist in the sidebar called "finding emo" emo = emotional. i'm not the dj, but i think it's fresh. anyway, there are lots of really new artists and new music, so take a minute and have some fun.

rerun

click here for a giggle

from my friend jim in palm springs...

planet unicorn

here's an episode i hadn't seen until today. yukky debbie..

the bunny dip

let's hope a different career than the one depicted here presents itself to me. i don't think i could live through the training or take all the revelry. i guess if gloria steinem (pictured above) can do it, so can i presumably.... but i do oh-so-love this vid. i was looking for some boozoo bajou to listen to today, and here it is.....

oh and if you want a good giggle today- visit lexx

please forgive me

pictured above: the infamous hanging chad...

can we as a nation, start to forgive our leaders for letting us down? if we can find the strength to do this, perhaps we may begin to get unstuck out of numbness and disbelief and start to grow and change as is so sorely and evidently needed.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”
Sara Paddison quotes

wow! is it different to have all this free time. it's only been one day and i am already feeling antsy. i bought a new printer, a new lamp, new speakers, and a new vacuum, all of which had to be assembled or attached. i got all those things done. weeded some of the yard, rearranged my closet, and cleaned the kitchen. i jogged the park and answered a lot of email, too. but no nap, yet. that's still on my list of to-do's.

as i occupied my hands with these tasks, i had in the back of my mind, the idea that i need to really go further in my life with forgiveness. and experience tells me that if i have a grudge or resentment, i am really the only one that suffers.

well i say- enough with the suffering..

today i have an early meeting about the june educational forum. i then am arranging travel to dc for the HIV all titles priorities meeting in august followed by lunch with a colleague. and then i head to DAM to see the impressionist exhibit- so you can expect a post about perspective no doubt soon!

david gray- i have posted him before- i think he is brilliant- impressive wordsmith and a bit mesmerizing to watch. i just love the way he rocks his head as he sings. it reminds me a little of rainman. well- no doubt he's genius. lyrics (poetry) here:

easy thing to do

yesterday i participated in 3 really good meetings. one consisted of some planning ideas for a website for the planning council regarding council business and the perhaps affecting the larger hiv community and even more than that. this was exciting business to consider and has provided me with new hope for the roles and functions i may play in my community.

the second was less glamorous, but one i personally felt i needed. i went in and laid out my ideas and asked for some feedback, and that was freely and cautiously given and i went on my way.

the third involved a hand off of the happy hours for SIN to a couple of guys who are younger and probably more culturally competent for such things. i hope they enjoy the process and have some fun. and i am even more happy that people are getting involved.

the inspiration for the musical portion of this post was a desire to share one of my favorite remix albums of all time which was released in 2001 i believe. shirley bassey- diamonds are forever- the remixes.

i swear these remixes are the bomb! classic dame bassey vocals with some ultra cool contemporary bass lines and instrumentation rolling alongside and supporting from underneath. each one captures something extraordinary about her vocals and all of these creations seem natural and meant-to-be.


turn it up baby, and hava cuppa.....i believe you will not be disappointed!

if a man could only see himself as the younger man that grew

full lyrics here

shhhh

there will be no music posted today. there will only be thoughts. i posted earlier and decided to pull that and repost later. i am honoring the day of silence today. it is, after all, for the youth.

i have personal experience with violence aimed at lgbt youth. and i have recently re-experienced that same violence as an adult but by another community member. it creates havoc and pain and is unnecessary. stop the violence. see "coming out of the dark" posted on March 15.

The National Day of Silence brings attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. This year’s event will be held in memory of Lawrence King, a California 8th-grader who was shot and killed Feb. 12 by a classmate because of his sexual orientation and gender expression. Hundreds of thousands of students will come together on April 25 to encourage schools and classmates to address the problem of anti-LGBT behavior.

for more see dayofsilence.org

after today, i hope i can speak up more if i see or hear these things happening around me. it's the world i leave behind me that matters, not the one i came into.

what a day

this is actually a post i wrote on monday... i guess i've had a little extra on my mind.

it's been a whirlwind today. i started at the doctor's early am, then went to a luncheon to hear about hiv treatment updates. i ate more than is my custom at lunch- a really lovely hangar steak and chocolate mousse pie stand out particularly.

i then chatted with a colleague about some of the changes i foresee and followed that with some personal shopping that i rarely allow myself to do. i chatted with a good friend who is getting a gallery show for some of his work here, (i'm exceptionally proud of him) and re potted some new plants that i got for the bohemian love pad i call home. i still smell like rosemary as a matter of fact.

i postponed a meeting with a sponsee as he seemed completely amenable to such a plan. now it's time to chat with another colleague regarding possibilities. it has been a full savory day, with scents and senses filled both fragrantly and flagrantly.

i got more roses for myself to signify that i can love myself. this is a newer turn in my life. the times, they are a changin'. what a day for a ....


i encourage readers to stop by sheria's place and read her post about the tech gap between generations. it really made my smile from my heart.

finding balance

i think david beckham is da bomb! don't you?

it's set! i will be going to la for cmala at the end of this month. flights are secured and registration is paid. i have a friend who just moved to palm springs and will be in la for a tony robbins seminar that i will try to share a room with.

i am hoping to spend some time w/marc while i'm there. he makes my heart smile. and he has created a line of greeting cards that i love and i would like to get some to bring back with me. (maybe 4 sets)....

i really need meetings right now in my life. i need a fellowship from which to gain sustenance, too. certainly this is a lovely and important message for me. and, i can also use some time away. i still have that amends to do with a family member and that person lives in manhattan beach. i am going to try to facilitate that. much of this very recent mess is wholly reminiscent of this particular familial relationship, and i believe that if i don't make a stronger effort to heal the big one, it will keep reappearing in my life just as it has done again.

i have begun to look around for other efforts to get involved with. just as chris is doing with his relationship intention, i am working on in a vocation arena. i am creating space for something new to move into my life.

i have started a new affirmation which is "i am happy, healthy, and whole. i am immersed in abundance and support"

quatre

from nightingale

Imagine a life based on forgiveness of self and others ... a life based on shedding fear and accepting love ... resulting in a life of true inner peace.

That’s precisely what thousands of people are attaining through the study of this internationally recognized day-by-day self-study program. A unique blend of psychology, Christianity and Eastern philosophy, A Course In Miracles ® focuses on the practical application of the power of forgiveness and guides you to the peace of mind we all seek.

In this enlightening program, you’ll discover why forgiveness is the key to universal happiness ... why love depends on your willingness to give, rather than your desire to receive ... why changing the way you see the world works better than trying to change the world itself ... and why service is necessary for personal fulfillment.

i am sitting at home on my last night off this weekend and i am feeling as if i am on the verge of something. i don't think it's something bad, really, just something new. i somehow have come to understand that i am in a "role" much of the time and it is not always in my best interest. i think that i wait for difficulties to come forward in my life, or at least that is how i have been poised until now.

i find i have always expected things in my life to work against me. i find that i have always felt that i don't deserve to be happy. i think i believe in doing the next right thing, which is good and creates contentment in me, but i also have believed up until now that i have already used up my chances and that there is not really much "good" left for me.

i say "until now" because that is the key phrase here. it has suddenly (almost 25 years later) that indeed i do deserve happiness. i do deserve fulfillment. i don't have to carry around my shortcomings and my character defects like a badge of honor (or dishonor as it were). i don't have to feel like life has already passed me by. i have survived this long and the life that remains is not to squandered and not to be hidden away and saved for a rainy day. it is meant to be lived. it is meant to be savored. it is meant to be fragrant. it is meant to wear me out.

so i need to get busy. i need to work some more on acceptance and forgiveness of myself and of others. i need to find the light and shine it where it isn't seen.
i love tonight.

lamb chop

from princessleia

At the turn of the century, wearing very long sideburns-- called mutton chops or lamb chops -- was en vogue. Lamb chop side burns also made a comeback in the late 1960s. A bust in the chops was to get hit in the face. Since Mutton Chops are no longer considered high fashion, the term has come to be figurative rather than literal.

one lamb chop reference here

one lamb chop reference here

my question: are those mutton chops returning to high fashion?


i came across thi vid while i was surfing. i am a longterm gaultier enthusiast. he has a street savvy sensibility that appeals to me. he also loves to surprise and frankly i love to be surprised. this is last winter's show with spring 08 added in. the things i love the most are probably the lamb chops, (no reference to fistfucking), the pegleg trouser('cuz the droopy drawer look makes my flesh crawl) and the hair. oh yes, and the music. "i gotta get out. i gotta get right out..."

all of my heart

i have not so many words today. i'll take the easy way today.

winds of change

image credit: windpbase.com

the landscape of gay men's treatment options in denver is changing. those changes may be subtle from the outside, but i hope they are monumental from a less global view.

i am feeling a bit relieved these days. the mile high meth project has been refunded for at least another two years and by at least 3 sources. this pretty much ensures that i will have income for that time period and we will have resources to expand on the ideas we have already started. and we only started the program on a full time basis in august 07.

there has been a shift in the substance usetreatment world/ probation/ hiv treatment arena's inclusion of our agency and our program. being accepted is more than just feeling good about ourselves. it's also is reflected in collaboration and in referrals.

and this is where our niche really comes into play. we do get some of the more challenging cases, and this allows us to offer intervention to guys who might otherwise fall through the cracks.

it also gives us the opportunity to grow into the place to come if one is having doubts and fears about their meth (or other drug) use.

i'm not so pompous to think that we will effect great change with every client, but i do hope just the fact that we care in a more engaged manner, does have a ripple effect in people's lives and psyches.