bad day

i dreaded going to this committee meeting all day yesterday. not because of anything in particular, but more because i just felt i didn't have it in me. i had arranged that i would be arriving late- actually my schedule created that- and i got there late and i still didn't' want to be there.

i could go on about how i am not doing this right or i am not doing that correctly, or that i could instead have tried this or that, but the truth for me was that i just didn't want to interact with one or two players there. i didn't feel stable and i felt like running and hiding.

all in all, it wasn't as bad as i anticipated. but then so much never is. it was uncomfortable but it was actually bearable. and i find that i have to allow others to participate in many things, or they will fall flat on the ground. programs and ideas eventually need people to survive.

i am certainly rambling here. i am talking about my feelings and i am exposing some of my true self. i am not such a do-gooder as i let on. i am bitchy and catty and judgemental sometimes. and sometimes i act like a tween.

with the intention of healing, i sing a song every day in the shower out loud but to myself (and have steadily for 41/2 years and sporadically for 20) that has lyrics about loving myself just the way i am. i first heard it through a meditation tape by louise hay. maybe the message is starting to manifest itself. i didn't stay "stuck" in this misery in my head today. i walked through it and made room for something good to happen. and i believe something good did.

here is an excerpt from "you can heal your life" by louise hay. that book changed my life in 1986, just after my hiv diagnosis. i purchased a new copy and have started reading it to my dui classes. i'm sure they think i'm eccentric (at best). but i believe if i don't share this messaging with them, who will?

Life is Really Very Simple. What We Give Out, We Get Back

What we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us. I believe that everyone, myself included, is responsible for everything in our lives, the best and the worst. Every thought we think is creating our future. Each one of us creates our experiences by our thoughts and our feelings. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences.

We create the situations, and then we give our power away by blaming the other person for our frustration. No person, no place, and no thing has any power over us, for "we" are the only thinkers in it. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives.

Which of these statements sounds like you?

"People are out to get me."
"Everyone is always helpful."

Each one of these beliefs will create quite different experiences. What we believe about ourselves and about life becomes true for us.

today's sound choice is daniel powter with "bad day"

finding balance

i think david beckham is da bomb! don't you?

it's set! i will be going to la for cmala at the end of this month. flights are secured and registration is paid. i have a friend who just moved to palm springs and will be in la for a tony robbins seminar that i will try to share a room with.

i am hoping to spend some time w/marc while i'm there. he makes my heart smile. and he has created a line of greeting cards that i love and i would like to get some to bring back with me. (maybe 4 sets)....

i really need meetings right now in my life. i need a fellowship from which to gain sustenance, too. certainly this is a lovely and important message for me. and, i can also use some time away. i still have that amends to do with a family member and that person lives in manhattan beach. i am going to try to facilitate that. much of this very recent mess is wholly reminiscent of this particular familial relationship, and i believe that if i don't make a stronger effort to heal the big one, it will keep reappearing in my life just as it has done again.

i have begun to look around for other efforts to get involved with. just as chris is doing with his relationship intention, i am working on in a vocation arena. i am creating space for something new to move into my life.

i have started a new affirmation which is "i am happy, healthy, and whole. i am immersed in abundance and support"