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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

bad day

i dreaded going to this committee meeting all day yesterday. not because of anything in particular, but more because i just felt i didn't have it in me. i had arranged that i would be arriving late- actually my schedule created that- and i got there late and i still didn't' want to be there.

i could go on about how i am not doing this right or i am not doing that correctly, or that i could instead have tried this or that, but the truth for me was that i just didn't want to interact with one or two players there. i didn't feel stable and i felt like running and hiding.

all in all, it wasn't as bad as i anticipated. but then so much never is. it was uncomfortable but it was actually bearable. and i find that i have to allow others to participate in many things, or they will fall flat on the ground. programs and ideas eventually need people to survive.

i am certainly rambling here. i am talking about my feelings and i am exposing some of my true self. i am not such a do-gooder as i let on. i am bitchy and catty and judgemental sometimes. and sometimes i act like a tween.

with the intention of healing, i sing a song every day in the shower out loud but to myself (and have steadily for 41/2 years and sporadically for 20) that has lyrics about loving myself just the way i am. i first heard it through a meditation tape by louise hay. maybe the message is starting to manifest itself. i didn't stay "stuck" in this misery in my head today. i walked through it and made room for something good to happen. and i believe something good did.

here is an excerpt from "you can heal your life" by louise hay. that book changed my life in 1986, just after my hiv diagnosis. i purchased a new copy and have started reading it to my dui classes. i'm sure they think i'm eccentric (at best). but i believe if i don't share this messaging with them, who will?

Life is Really Very Simple. What We Give Out, We Get Back

What we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us. I believe that everyone, myself included, is responsible for everything in our lives, the best and the worst. Every thought we think is creating our future. Each one of us creates our experiences by our thoughts and our feelings. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences.

We create the situations, and then we give our power away by blaming the other person for our frustration. No person, no place, and no thing has any power over us, for "we" are the only thinkers in it. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives.

Which of these statements sounds like you?

"People are out to get me."
"Everyone is always helpful."

Each one of these beliefs will create quite different experiences. What we believe about ourselves and about life becomes true for us.

today's sound choice is daniel powter with "bad day"


1 comment:

Northwest said...

I just don't want to believe what Louise Hay says is true. And it's obviously because its a reflection of all the bad things in my life, things I want to find someone else to blame on. To let in the possibility that EVERYTHING in my life is determined by my attitude is very very difficult. But I am suspending disbelief to embrace the big picture that calls me to be responsible for my life. Period.

Thanks for this post. It is what I needed to hear today.

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