a broken heart

yesterday, i went with my buddy and carl frazier's sister kathy to place a wreath at the spot where he was found dead. above the wreath, they placed a plea for help from crimestoppers with a small reward offered. kathy was in town from illinois to talk to the police about the unsolved case, and to do some interviews with local tv stations. we then went to breakfast and chatted for almost an hour and a half.

i have no idea what she is really going through. she is sunny, bright, and very warmhearted. she seemes quite open, and she seems like she has learned that finding some closure to this situation is going to take more time.

i found out that she didn't know he was positive. somehow that doesn't surprise me. it is such a whole lot to orchestrate when one is disclosing to family and friends. they have a tendency to give advice and interference which can be difficult to accept, even if its in the name of love.

but i now understand a little better how sad she must be. just being at that spot, and finding out more details about the events, and trading insights and perceptions caused me to grieve a little for carl once more. i think he most definitely got dogged, and i would have rather have it happened to anyone else but carl.

today's sound choice.... michael buble singing "how can you mend a broken heart"

grace of my heart

I can't hold onto her, God give me strength
When the phone doesn't ring
And I'm lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

while i was at a clinic yesterday working with a client, the social worker there pulled me aside to speak privately. he informed me that a co-worker of mine had been found dead in her apartment on monday. foul play was almost certain. broken furniture and blood were scattered everywhere. i went numb as i heard the news.

aimee and i had taken a ride last thursday to the food bank. it was about an hour and a 1/2 together. we talked about her life, her apartment, and how much she liked her new life. she moved to colorado last year from california after getting clean from years of meth use. she was pre-operative transgendered and could easily pass. she was smart, easy to talk to, and had been hiv positive for about 8 years.

she came to work at our agency with the "transaction" program which does outreach for the trans community around hiv care and prevention. it is a new program, but aimee has been very instrumental in promoting it to the hiv community and the gay community at large. she had spoken on two panels that i know of, sharing her story of recovery from drugs and her story of transition with small audiences.

in my car last week, i played a cd that i put together as we were driving. today's song choice is on that cd. the car was silent as this played. she sighed at the end of it, and said that is a beautiful song. we talked about all the other songs and laughed and shared stories. i am mad as hell that somebody can lose their self control like this and can snuff out another persons light. i am also a bit stunned that this is the 2nd friend of mine to be murdered in less than 3 months. are these hate crimes? is this related to hiv? how angry should i get?

i have rambled a bit here, but please know i am okay. i am just trying to stay in my feelings. i am sad, very sad. but i do know that she struggles no more with her identity. or her body. and that causes me to smile.

song choice is "god give me strength" by kristen vigard from the film "grace of my heart"(both of which i love, love, love)

and i also love the vid posted at absolutewille

all of my heart

i have not so many words today. i'll take the easy way today.

be the 1

i got this post from mideast piece of all places. i know it is a bit dated, but it stopped me for a minute in my tracks and made me wonder why i don't do more for others. why i don't scream and shout about the inequities in situations like this. i know, though, that being out and living as the best and kindest person i am able is a good start. sometimes i think that other gay men who hide and deny their wounds and nongay identified men who have hidden and suppressed feelings are the biggest dangers to us- emotionally and physically. i believe the perpetrators of these atrocities are us- ourselves- just not in touch with themselves. how do we stop ourselves from eating ourselves alive? i want to start on the road to making a difference. making a change. it goes from
you or me
to you and me
to you are me.

i hope i can get to that - really get to that - someday.