haven't met you yet

one thing i never counted on with this particular journey was the onset of hope. for some reason (easily anhedonia) i believed that i already had my fun and that piece of life has passed me by. but the deeper i get into this the more i see that certainly that isn't true. good things are not over for me by a long shot.

i have been smiling from my heart on a regular basis. smiling about my friends, about my work, about my blogamis, about my health, about my life. this is amazing. really it is. in the past, i would find myself in cynicism and sarcasm most of the time (i think it was safer there for me). i would find fault with almost everything and would try very little that was new- because i had such a fear of failure. i always had to tag along with someone else in order to get new places as i didn't have the courage to make mistakes. today heralds a very different outlook.

i'm very very grateful for this. i no doubt will fail on several occasions, but i will also succeed once or twice as well. this shift in perception is nothing short of a miracle in my life.

silly post i suppose, but i feel as if i am never in too much gratitude about the blessings that surround my life. and then there are the wonders yet to be. and i have cultured faith to believe in those wonders. and hopefully the wisdom to realize they all may seem very small. (if you look closely in the above pic, you can see the behind of a deer)

today's sound choice is new michael buble with "i haven't met you yet"

a broken heart

yesterday, i went with my buddy and carl frazier's sister kathy to place a wreath at the spot where he was found dead. above the wreath, they placed a plea for help from crimestoppers with a small reward offered. kathy was in town from illinois to talk to the police about the unsolved case, and to do some interviews with local tv stations. we then went to breakfast and chatted for almost an hour and a half.

i have no idea what she is really going through. she is sunny, bright, and very warmhearted. she seemes quite open, and she seems like she has learned that finding some closure to this situation is going to take more time.

i found out that she didn't know he was positive. somehow that doesn't surprise me. it is such a whole lot to orchestrate when one is disclosing to family and friends. they have a tendency to give advice and interference which can be difficult to accept, even if its in the name of love.

but i now understand a little better how sad she must be. just being at that spot, and finding out more details about the events, and trading insights and perceptions caused me to grieve a little for carl once more. i think he most definitely got dogged, and i would have rather have it happened to anyone else but carl.

today's sound choice.... michael buble singing "how can you mend a broken heart"

a new day

there is change afoot.

the things about life that have always seemed natural have shifted somehow. i now find myself comfortable in public and social situations which just a year or so ago would have numbed me out. i can have an uncomfortable feeling and find the patience to sit through it, or let it play out, without ruining my day or sending me to an isolated position. of course this has not always been the case.

neither have i spent a day listening to two separate and seemingly disconnected speeches by two men of african american descent in two separate cities before today. yet having experienced this today, i am finding that the category of men i consider leaders and the places i garner my information and my inspiration have expanded into new areas and grown. this is completely heartwarming for me.

i spent yesterday morning listening to robert e fullilove discuss his impressions of the migration of the hiv virus in america and its correlation to the continual displacement of the brown skinned citizens in america. it helped me realize just how very little i understand and need to learn in order to be effective in the work that i am doing.

and then of course, in my hometown, was the speech to beat this year, by the one and only mr. obama. his words brought tears to several of my viewing companions. this, i simply believe, can be attributed to the "audacity of hope" that he wrote about and that emanates from him and is as infectious as radioactivity. just the reality of a brown-skinned man making an nomination acceptance speech for the presidency of the u.s. is monumental. not so much if one is, let's say, under 40. but to those of us over 40, i believe this is more than just a notation in the history books. it signifies part of our lives coming full circle. it is not a declaration of uncomfortability. it is more the recognition of a metamorphosis. it is also the passing of the gauntlet and the turning of the tide. a new dawn. a new day. a new age. a new life.

today i am heading back to that hometown, feeling changed. big time changed represented by these two experiences in these separate arenas.

and i'm feelin good.

recipe for agape

take a couple of good friends, a sunny day, add some good intention and a tender meeting, stir lightly, blend a trip to museum row, pull out some old memories and shake them out over the mixture. let sit quietly during a speaker meeting and pop into the crib for some extra z's...

i had an incredible day yesterday. breakfast then a birthday meeting. jim said goodbye as marc and i then headed to lacma to see some of the exhibits. warhol, koontz, rauscha, lichtenstein, basquiat are a few of the artists that were represented. the family amends was made and it went much better than i anticipated. it was challenging to stay in humility, but i honestly did my best. the speaker at last night's opening ceremony was so sweet and silently penetrating for me. i am reminded that my understanding of being clean is solid, but can go much deeper. i have work to do and my heart can open much more. this is something great to look forward to.

i made it to my family's home and managed to get out my amends. i certainly stumbled with words, however, i believe my intention shone through. it was humbling, and i realized i really am just a drop in his emotional bucket, and it right-sized me quite a bit. his wife came home and i graciously asked to make amends with her, too. it went well. again i heard things i didn't expect. but i was prepared with earnestness, so i believe it was hugely successful.

driving back to weho, i realized that i have been holding quite a bit of fear for 4 or 5 years about this, and now i will have extra room in my heart and my head as i let go of this fear. i hope i can find a way to fill this space with agape.