forget-me-not

I got this email today much to my surprise. it came totally out of the blue and i found myself tearing up a little as i read it. i've known the author since 1980. we used to be very very close, but after i left chicago, things changed quite a bit. i am so blessed to have people in my life who know my history and still show interest in who i am.

i have been working on opening myself up to love. and i have been aware that the love may come in a myriad of forms.

You rock Mr. Rushing. Not only are you one of the funniest, kindest and most generous persons I have ever known -but your life is so benevolent to everyone around you!!! I am very impressed with all that you are giving to the world and am so happy you have tapped into a wonderful career for helping people.Blue and I are struggling to survive in this crazy economy right now and it is our sense of humor that helps us to keep on. We constantly laugh at our foibles and all this madness we have created in our lives and that's a good thing!!! Todd and Eddie always ask about you - you made quite an impression on them when we saw you in S. F..
Love ,Bob

in keeping with this theme, today's sound choice is the noisettes with a single that is getting much airplay these days "never forget you". another friend left me a voicemail last weekend, saying i had to hear this because he loved it so much. and when he heard it, he thought of me.

i'm blushing and it feels really good.

what's cookin'

You say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But I know you just don't care

from breakfast at tiffany's by deep blue something

sunday morning...

i feel like being lazy, but i know i cannot do such. i have much to do. best friend coming to town on the 16th and i have to host. i have little free time these days, but it's of no real complaint. i can see some light at the end of this financial tunnel that i have found myself travelling in. it's far from over, but it is changing. and i'm thankful for that.

i spent a full week with clients and am feeling a little spent emotionally. i have been working with a homeless man who has schizo-effective disorder (currently untreated) who has re broken a never healed wrist three times. his drinking is more than problematic and he leaves a visible wake of damage with his unbridled and unchecked angry bursts. the first time we talked he discussed his spells (seizures) from which he emerges confused. he has become adept at covering them up with his rage now, or diverting attention to chaos. i wept inside as we chatted. my hope is to steer him to addressing his mental health in order to fix other parts of his life.

i also met a man directly from the bus from prison. he has spent the last 9 out 10 years inside. he has been diagnoses as bi-polar and has anger bursts as well. he is currently medicated, but i have concerns about his ability to restrain himself during an emotional break. he has the habit of blaming everything outside himself for his troubles and struggles to listen without having a big reaction when an opposite perspective is brought into the conversation. i did manage to help get him into a halfway house situation with substance use monitoring in place, in lieu of the crack hotels that are usually offered for a person in a re-entry position such as he.

along with this recent and very very questionable pop-up crisis and the ensuing 850 billion buyout, part of the negotiation package has been the passage of legislation which will direct insurance companies in overhauling their policies to discontinue discrimination for mental health and substance abuse issues. this is a quietly joyful celebration for insured individuals, but it certainly doesn't address the continent sized group of individuals' need for access to comprehensive care, i.e. a great proportion of our current homeless population.

but it's sunday, and i'm at rest. i thought i'd start a new periodic tradition here. i am, after all, a bit of a foodie. i love food intrinsically. a bit of a snob, but with a hearty sense of comfort food, i will try to share some recipes that warm my heart as well as fill my belly. i hope you try some of them, and pass them along. this one is about as simple as it gets. and it's a favorite at every family holiday event.

food is love, after all. have a peaceful and perhaps plentiful sunday.

chili cheese eggs

6 eggs/ 6 slices white bread
8oz cheddar cheese grated/ 1 3/4 c. milk
1 can chopped grn chilis/ 1 med. onion chopped.
salt and pepper

butter 2 qt. casserole. trim crusts from bread and cube. mix eggs and milk together.

layer bread, chilies, onions, and cheesein alternate layers. pour egg mixture over layers (you can add salt and pepper to egg mixture). refrigerate overnight. take out 1/2 hour before baking begins.
bake 1 hr@ 350 degrees.

serves 6-7.

this love

the Dalai Lama:
When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.

i cannot say just how much i have felt loved this week. in so many ways, both small and grand, i have found myself surrounded and hugged by people whose intention is to love me. i am completely humbled by this. i cannot say i am gracious, but certainly try to return to gratitude with it. this is not something i have consciously been aware of before in my life. it is new, and it is lovely.

if this is what the fifties feel like, i think i'm gonna love 'em.

stormy

shia labeouf - the newest indiana jones sidekick storms the media

the spring in colorado does bring some raging storms. here's a bit of what happened in windsor colorado the day before yesterday. if you are interested in helping out, donations can be made to the red cross here

One of the best parts of recovery is getting your feelings back. The worst part is getting your feelings back.

i have moved through so many emotions this last 2 months, it astounds me. i was reading back to the post just before i got the last major shake up from the universe and i found it pretty astonishing. it is eerie in some of its foreshadowing. i honestly had no idea that i would be experiencing ptsd the very next day which would be followed with a journey that has brought me to such amazing healing in my life.

i have even moved towards empathy for the person i believe to have instigated it all. i certainly now see that individuals that i had trusted and confided in were not capable of valuing that trust and that fact has very little to do with me. it has to do with another human's inability to live up to my expectations. (well, maybe not the state of colorado's either- but that's a conversation for another day). none-the-less, i am so encouraged that in a mere 60 days i have been blessed with releasing resentment and exchanging it for understanding, because in the end the one who will benefit from that move is me. and my heart, which already feels lighter and gayer. i am laughing again. i am feeling grounded again. and i am supported in ways i never could have foretold. or maybe i did in this post

Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.

Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one’s own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others.

the boys of summer

Homme nu courant sur la plage
by eramus2

so the fun today is to simultaneously play the video and the tune as you read the third verse of "the boys of summer" by dylan thomas. it's contrived, but i think it's fun too. the vid can be played twice 'cuz the song lasts longer. it helps me in remembering that summer is just around the corner. that's when fun in the sun takes on a new meaning. and a very big "hats off" to gay telaviv for the video.

I see the boys of summer
by Dylan Thomas

I see you boys of summer in your ruin.
Man in his maggot's barren.
And boys are full and foreign in the pouch.
I am the man your father was.
We are the sons of flint and pitch.
O see the poles are kissing as they cross.

more dylan thomas here

easy thing to do

yesterday i participated in 3 really good meetings. one consisted of some planning ideas for a website for the planning council regarding council business and the perhaps affecting the larger hiv community and even more than that. this was exciting business to consider and has provided me with new hope for the roles and functions i may play in my community.

the second was less glamorous, but one i personally felt i needed. i went in and laid out my ideas and asked for some feedback, and that was freely and cautiously given and i went on my way.

the third involved a hand off of the happy hours for SIN to a couple of guys who are younger and probably more culturally competent for such things. i hope they enjoy the process and have some fun. and i am even more happy that people are getting involved.

the inspiration for the musical portion of this post was a desire to share one of my favorite remix albums of all time which was released in 2001 i believe. shirley bassey- diamonds are forever- the remixes.

i swear these remixes are the bomb! classic dame bassey vocals with some ultra cool contemporary bass lines and instrumentation rolling alongside and supporting from underneath. each one captures something extraordinary about her vocals and all of these creations seem natural and meant-to-be.


turn it up baby, and hava cuppa.....i believe you will not be disappointed!

if a man could only see himself as the younger man that grew

full lyrics here

remind me

photocredit madjanski.pl

as i mentioned, i have begun reading david richo's book and i find so many simple but earth shattering truths in there. i only wish i were at the point in my life that i could easily put all these ideas and concepts directly to work in my life. i am working on it though.

Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:

Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

Love is experienced by each and every one of us, but for most of us five aspects stand out. We feel loved when we receive Attention, Acceptation, Appreciation, and Affection, and when we are Allowed the freedom to live in accordance with our own deepest needs and wishes. Children need these "five A's" to develop self-esteem and a healthy ego. What we need for the building of a self, is also precisely what we need for happiness in our adult love relationships. Intimacy, at its best, means mutual dedication to granting attention, acceptance, apprecation, affection and "allowing".

This is a touching and encouraging synchronicity built into our very being. The five A's are simultaneously the fulfilment of our earliest needs, the requirements of adult intimacy, but also of universal compassion and the essential qualities of mindfulness practice.

We can increase our capacity to give and receive these essential elements of love through mindfulness, an alert witnessing of reality without judgement, attachment, fear, expectation, defensiveness, bias, or control.
David Richo [How to be An Adult in Relationships - The Five Keys to Mindful Loving]

If I am not giving, I am holding on. If I am holding onto something I am not making space to receive. If my plate is full, there is no room for anything else. Practise giving, for as I give then I receive. Giving opens the door to life, giving opens the door to love and allows me to be given to. Dare to give myself over to love. There is nothing I need that love does not give in abundance. If I am not giving love I am wasting the life given to me.

more here

now how do i fit this all into my day to day life?

this love

"how to be an adult in a relationship" sounds so simple doesn't it. the truth is, for me, that it's something i really haven't considered until now. part of me would like to think this is pathetic, and part me thinks "thank goodness" i am even starting to consider it now. i am sure i will write about my experiences with this book now and again, as it seems to hold transformative elements for me, which i really need at this particular time in my life.

dr. david richo, the author of this book, has this to share about knowing oneself (which is a pre-requisite to an adult relationship). this article explores briefly the task of recognizing and working with the shadow sides of ourselves. i find it a little enlightening.

The poppy petals:
How calmly
They fall. -Etsujin

The Jungian archetype of the Shadow includes all that we abhor about ourselves and all the wonderful potential that we doubt or deny we have. We project these negativities onto others as strong dislike and project our positive potential as admiration. We can re-member and restore these capacities to our psyches. We explore our dark side as a source of creativity and untapped potential. How does our dark side manifest, go into hiding, and emerge to hurt or liberate us? What is evil and how do we protect ourselves from it? What is the shadow in our family, relationships, religion, and in the world? We learn ways to make friends with our shadow both positive and negative so that our lost life can be restored and renewed. Inner foes become allies; dark angles within us become archways of light.



To befriend the POSITIVE personal shadow: Use this triple A approach:

• Affirm that you have the quality you admire or envy in someone else. This can be a simple declaration or affirmation such as: "I am more and more courageous."

• Act as if you have that quality by making choices that demonstrate it.

• Announce it: Tell everybody you know that you are making these changes and ask for their support.

These are three steps we take. They are usually followed by shifts in our personality; we begin to act in wiser, more loving, and more healing ways with no further need for effort. This is the grace dimension, the spiritual assistance to our work.

To befriend the NEGATIVE personal shadow, here are five A’s:

• Acknowledge that you have all the attributes humans can have, that you contain both sides of every human coin. Acknowledge that you have the specific negative traits you see in others that evoke a strong reaction of repulsion in you. The urge to observe coexists with its opposite impulse to expose.

• Allow yourself to hold and cradle these as parts of yourself. Acknowledge that they may have gone underground for a legitimate purpose and are now ready to be turned inside out and become something more creative and empowering in your life.

• Admit to yourself and to one other person the fact of these shadow discoveries about yourself.

• Make amends to those who may have been hurt by your denial of your own shadow: "I saw this in you and it is in me. I have blamed you for what I am ashamed of in myself." Make amends to anyone you have hurt by any underhanded ways your shadow has impacted him/her.

• Become aware of the kernel of value in your negative shadow characteristic and then treat it as you did the positive shadow above: affirm it as true of yourself, act as if it were true, announce your discovery and program to others who can assist us in following up on it.

As you do this work, do not scold yourself as a critical parent for all your deficits. Have a good talk with yourself as a kindly adult: "I have been controlling and that is wrong of me, but there is a kernel of positive value in that controlling. It is my capacity for getting things done, for organizing, even for leadership. I will now concentrate on and release those wonderful attributes. I will find my positive shadow in my negative shadow!" This is working with what is rather than attempting to eliminate what is, and thereby working against psychic truth. Shadow embracing reverses self-alienation and connects us to our own rainbow reality.

To see your dark side, to see what you are really up to while not shaming yourself for it reconnects you to your true self and reveals its spacious grandeur. Such vision is a form of mindfulness. Turning against the external tyrant is useless. You have to see him in your own mirror: "This face is mine. I accept the fact that there is something dark in every one of my motivations. And I still see the light in me too." Jung, toward the end of his life, wrote: "I am astonished, disappointed, and pleased with myself. I am depressed and rapturous. I am all this at once and cannot add up the sum."

No coming. No going.
Everything is pretending
To be born and to die.

David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T., is a psychotherapist, teacher, and writer in Santa Barbara and San Francisco California who emphasizes Jungian, transpersonal, and spiritual perspectives in his work. He is the author of: How To Be An Adult (Paulist, 1991), When Love Meets Fear (Paulist, 1997), Unexpected Miracles: The Gift of Synchronicity and How to Open It (Crossroad,1998) , Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side (Shambhala, 1999) and Catholic Means Universal: Integrating Spirituality and Religion (Crossroad, 2000). For a catalog of David Richo’s tapes and events, please visit dave richo.



PSSST- in case you haven't realized, i'm a huge natasha bedingfield fan....

you might want to turn this up a little.....

finally

We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.

pema chodron

i am including a couple of quotes that i found inspiring today. i know that change is happening around me. and i know i don't know where my life is heading. i am, however, regaining my faith in my path. man it is so incredibly challenging for me to find trust when i am passing through another gateway without certainty of the next stop. but i have to keep trying to believe in tomorrow.

Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about ~where~ we shall land, but rather on the belief that we ~shall~ land.”

carter heywerd

both sides, now

sometimes i am so confused about this life. i know enough to know i don't know everything. that i might know very little is much more likely. some days i falter so much it's hard to believe i am stable. i say thoughtless things sometimes. i don't slow down enough. i try to pack too many things into a day. i find it hard to say no to a cause or a service commitment. i race through way too much and give too little my full attention. i don't always know how to ask for what i need, but then i'll expect others in my life to know and start to form resentments because they don't. my feelings were very hurt this weekend because of expectations i had and part of me so wants to be the drama queen. but i know that this leads me nowhere. so i am going to try the new approach i've learned. the "other" side.

the good news is that i'm maturing. that change happens. that i don't have to stay "stuck" in a mindset or a drama or a situation. i can try to change my perspective around a situation if i can't change the situation. this is a huge shift in my survival. a very huge shift.

the objects of my attention don't seem to suffer too much outwardly. but in my head they are all either cheating me or being cheated by me(it's all still very much about me). i still have the emotional maturity of a twenty-something because that's when i started using drugs and alcohol on a first-defense basis.

the course in miracles has taught me to always ask this question: "would you rather be happy or would you rather be right". of course, my first instinct always is to answer "i'd rather be both", but upon reflection, most times i'd rather be right. truthfully however, where does that get me in the end? being right usually gets me being left behind, alone and filled with tension. i can't really reflect on the happy part. that i am hoping to learn and become acquainted with in time.

so, i chose this clip and this song because it absolutely touched my heart the first time i saw it. it was while i was ill and stuck at home watching "love actually" over and over on cable- like i can do when i'm sick. the emma thompson character found an xmas gift in her husband's things (jewelry actually) and it is xmas morning and she is expecting to open a gift with that very jewelry inside. but when she opens it, it's a cd- the joni mitchell cd that contains this song. she excuses herself and goes to the closet to cry intensely but quietly so as not to alarm the children and spoil the day. she is introduced to this lesson in life that the course talks about. "would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right". the choices we make rarely come without pain. in the course of our lives we will be hurt. we will feel ignored. we will feel unnoticed. we will grieve. we will lose sometimes.

we can however still be happy even when our hearts break. feeling hurt is not the worst of our dilemmas in life. if we can look at our relationships as a whole and not as individual happen-stances, we can survive pain and be stronger and be happy. and we can understand our fellows and our loved ones more deeply because of it.

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all


Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way


But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day


Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all