sometimes i am so confused about this life. i know enough to know i don't know everything. that i might know very little is much more likely. some days i falter so much it's hard to believe i am stable. i say thoughtless things sometimes. i don't slow down enough. i try to pack too many things into a day. i find it hard to say no to a cause or a service commitment. i race through way too much and give too little my full attention. i don't always know how to ask for what i need, but then i'll expect others in my life to know and start to form resentments because they don't. my feelings were very hurt this weekend because of expectations i had and part of me so wants to be the drama queen. but i know that this leads me nowhere. so i am going to try the new approach i've learned. the "other" side.
the good news is that i'm maturing. that change happens. that i don't have to stay "stuck" in a mindset or a drama or a situation. i can try to change my perspective around a situation if i can't change the situation. this is a huge shift in my survival. a very huge shift.
the objects of my attention don't seem to suffer too much outwardly. but in my head they are all either cheating me or being cheated by me(it's all still very much about me). i still have the emotional maturity of a twenty-something because that's when i started using drugs and alcohol on a first-defense basis.
the course in miracles has taught me to always ask this question: "would you rather be happy or would you rather be right". of course, my first instinct always is to answer "i'd rather be both", but upon reflection, most times i'd rather be right. truthfully however, where does that get me in the end? being right usually gets me being left behind, alone and filled with tension. i can't really reflect on the happy part. that i am hoping to learn and become acquainted with in time.
so, i chose this clip and this song because it absolutely touched my heart the first time i saw it. it was while i was ill and stuck at home watching "love actually" over and over on cable- like i can do when i'm sick. the emma thompson character found an xmas gift in her husband's things (jewelry actually) and it is xmas morning and she is expecting to open a gift with that very jewelry inside. but when she opens it, it's a cd- the joni mitchell cd that contains this song. she excuses herself and goes to the closet to cry intensely but quietly so as not to alarm the children and spoil the day. she is introduced to this lesson in life that the course talks about. "would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right". the choices we make rarely come without pain. in the course of our lives we will be hurt. we will feel ignored. we will feel unnoticed. we will grieve. we will lose sometimes.
we can however still be happy even when our hearts break. feeling hurt is not the worst of our dilemmas in life. if we can look at our relationships as a whole and not as individual happen-stances, we can survive pain and be stronger and be happy. and we can understand our fellows and our loved ones more deeply because of it.
Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
9 comments:
You seemed to have hit the nail on the head in the first paragraph. (Expectations of others and then feeling resentful towards them.) I'm glad that you mentioned that you were "hurt". That is what it is about.
I am curious to know my friend why you slipped into writing in the third person towards the end of the fourth paragraph. I suggest you read it in the first person and see if it affects you differently.
Touching words here Rod. You are looking pretty pumped too. Take care, Denys.
very astute my good friend. i started at that paragraph and moved in reverse (or inward). it gets more personal the closer i get. it makes me happy that someone reads it denys.
Men. You can't live with them and you can't shoot 'em--to quote some rather less illustrious lyricists than Miss Mitchell. Note to self: Buy 'Blue' and listen to it until you cry your eyes out. Again.
Well, take it from a Colorado-born transplant who has come to embrace the depth of LA superficial values: You look REALLY good, and that's the important thing! (No, of course it isn't, but I bet it feels really nice to hear it) Made you feel better, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!
P.S. You really do edible in this pic. Okay, I said it.
Damn it. You made me cry. But is was such a sweet cry. I feel so lost at times amongst my expectations—good or bad. But now I know I'd rather be happy and whether or not I am being right just isn't a question I ask any more.
Pain is such an easy way for me to know I am at least feeling something. I endeavor now to let feeling good be just as powerful a sign that I can feel as my old friend pain is. And I don't think that had I not journeyed to the edge through my addiction that I would have that view at all. In that way each day and all it's sadness and glory is in preparation for the next.
How did such a bittersweet post come to show me what I needed to know?
WS
Beautiful post, and I've always loved that song!
You are so much more sophisticated and intelligent than I. I don't care what others think, if they don't tell me. Happiness? The only people who are happy are the ones who have enough to pay for the illusion. I'm not trying to denigrate anything you say. You are thougtful and caring. And I am self-absorbed and crude. If I can be satisfied and content, you definitely have the right to be, too.
Dare to be the person you DREAM to be.......
Hey I think it's great you pack so much into a day... wish I were more motivated. Joni Mitchell is amazing, and the guy in jeans at the top of your page is nice too.
You have never been anything to me but a beautiful, intelligent, and deep person with a very sharp wit, all admirable qualities in my book. I applaud your candour, I should have read this loooong ago. I do not have the cojones to extol my passion for Joni... seems out of character.
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