remind me

photocredit madjanski.pl

as i mentioned, i have begun reading david richo's book and i find so many simple but earth shattering truths in there. i only wish i were at the point in my life that i could easily put all these ideas and concepts directly to work in my life. i am working on it though.

Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:

Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

Love is experienced by each and every one of us, but for most of us five aspects stand out. We feel loved when we receive Attention, Acceptation, Appreciation, and Affection, and when we are Allowed the freedom to live in accordance with our own deepest needs and wishes. Children need these "five A's" to develop self-esteem and a healthy ego. What we need for the building of a self, is also precisely what we need for happiness in our adult love relationships. Intimacy, at its best, means mutual dedication to granting attention, acceptance, apprecation, affection and "allowing".

This is a touching and encouraging synchronicity built into our very being. The five A's are simultaneously the fulfilment of our earliest needs, the requirements of adult intimacy, but also of universal compassion and the essential qualities of mindfulness practice.

We can increase our capacity to give and receive these essential elements of love through mindfulness, an alert witnessing of reality without judgement, attachment, fear, expectation, defensiveness, bias, or control.
David Richo [How to be An Adult in Relationships - The Five Keys to Mindful Loving]

If I am not giving, I am holding on. If I am holding onto something I am not making space to receive. If my plate is full, there is no room for anything else. Practise giving, for as I give then I receive. Giving opens the door to life, giving opens the door to love and allows me to be given to. Dare to give myself over to love. There is nothing I need that love does not give in abundance. If I am not giving love I am wasting the life given to me.

more here

now how do i fit this all into my day to day life?

this love

"how to be an adult in a relationship" sounds so simple doesn't it. the truth is, for me, that it's something i really haven't considered until now. part of me would like to think this is pathetic, and part me thinks "thank goodness" i am even starting to consider it now. i am sure i will write about my experiences with this book now and again, as it seems to hold transformative elements for me, which i really need at this particular time in my life.

dr. david richo, the author of this book, has this to share about knowing oneself (which is a pre-requisite to an adult relationship). this article explores briefly the task of recognizing and working with the shadow sides of ourselves. i find it a little enlightening.

The poppy petals:
How calmly
They fall. -Etsujin

The Jungian archetype of the Shadow includes all that we abhor about ourselves and all the wonderful potential that we doubt or deny we have. We project these negativities onto others as strong dislike and project our positive potential as admiration. We can re-member and restore these capacities to our psyches. We explore our dark side as a source of creativity and untapped potential. How does our dark side manifest, go into hiding, and emerge to hurt or liberate us? What is evil and how do we protect ourselves from it? What is the shadow in our family, relationships, religion, and in the world? We learn ways to make friends with our shadow both positive and negative so that our lost life can be restored and renewed. Inner foes become allies; dark angles within us become archways of light.



To befriend the POSITIVE personal shadow: Use this triple A approach:

• Affirm that you have the quality you admire or envy in someone else. This can be a simple declaration or affirmation such as: "I am more and more courageous."

• Act as if you have that quality by making choices that demonstrate it.

• Announce it: Tell everybody you know that you are making these changes and ask for their support.

These are three steps we take. They are usually followed by shifts in our personality; we begin to act in wiser, more loving, and more healing ways with no further need for effort. This is the grace dimension, the spiritual assistance to our work.

To befriend the NEGATIVE personal shadow, here are five A’s:

• Acknowledge that you have all the attributes humans can have, that you contain both sides of every human coin. Acknowledge that you have the specific negative traits you see in others that evoke a strong reaction of repulsion in you. The urge to observe coexists with its opposite impulse to expose.

• Allow yourself to hold and cradle these as parts of yourself. Acknowledge that they may have gone underground for a legitimate purpose and are now ready to be turned inside out and become something more creative and empowering in your life.

• Admit to yourself and to one other person the fact of these shadow discoveries about yourself.

• Make amends to those who may have been hurt by your denial of your own shadow: "I saw this in you and it is in me. I have blamed you for what I am ashamed of in myself." Make amends to anyone you have hurt by any underhanded ways your shadow has impacted him/her.

• Become aware of the kernel of value in your negative shadow characteristic and then treat it as you did the positive shadow above: affirm it as true of yourself, act as if it were true, announce your discovery and program to others who can assist us in following up on it.

As you do this work, do not scold yourself as a critical parent for all your deficits. Have a good talk with yourself as a kindly adult: "I have been controlling and that is wrong of me, but there is a kernel of positive value in that controlling. It is my capacity for getting things done, for organizing, even for leadership. I will now concentrate on and release those wonderful attributes. I will find my positive shadow in my negative shadow!" This is working with what is rather than attempting to eliminate what is, and thereby working against psychic truth. Shadow embracing reverses self-alienation and connects us to our own rainbow reality.

To see your dark side, to see what you are really up to while not shaming yourself for it reconnects you to your true self and reveals its spacious grandeur. Such vision is a form of mindfulness. Turning against the external tyrant is useless. You have to see him in your own mirror: "This face is mine. I accept the fact that there is something dark in every one of my motivations. And I still see the light in me too." Jung, toward the end of his life, wrote: "I am astonished, disappointed, and pleased with myself. I am depressed and rapturous. I am all this at once and cannot add up the sum."

No coming. No going.
Everything is pretending
To be born and to die.

David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T., is a psychotherapist, teacher, and writer in Santa Barbara and San Francisco California who emphasizes Jungian, transpersonal, and spiritual perspectives in his work. He is the author of: How To Be An Adult (Paulist, 1991), When Love Meets Fear (Paulist, 1997), Unexpected Miracles: The Gift of Synchronicity and How to Open It (Crossroad,1998) , Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side (Shambhala, 1999) and Catholic Means Universal: Integrating Spirituality and Religion (Crossroad, 2000). For a catalog of David Richo’s tapes and events, please visit dave richo.



PSSST- in case you haven't realized, i'm a huge natasha bedingfield fan....

you might want to turn this up a little.....